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This day last year, I sat with my 2012 calendar, filling in dates to remember and felt sick with worry and fear because I knew that the year ahead was going to be a dark, dark time and I wondered whether I would have the strength to face it. It was dark and the most difficult time I have ever faced and I have been haunted by the experience of it and the weeks leading up to Christmas were draining - I literally felt empty. Seeing people prepare for the holiday season and the continuous "what are you doing for Christmas?" just made me really angry and drove me to question what it was all about. What it turned out to be about was spending the day, just me and my daughter, exchanging gifts, sitting reading, eating our favourite meal (spaghetti and meatballs!) and being very, very thankful that we are healthy and happy and together. I used to dream about my husband every night - I was always so angry with him and upset in the dream and I'd wake with the same feelings which would stay with me all day. I hadn't dreamt about him for a little while until last night - New Year's Eve (although it was New Year's Day by then) and it was the first dream where we were laughing and joking about, as we used to, and I woke with a smile - at last. The sun was shining outside (at last!) and I felt a sense of calm and peace - no anger or tears. I felt it was a sign of what was to come and I filled in my 2013 calendar today with a feeling of hopeful expectation, safe in this feeling that my husband was looking out for us and was going to send us some good times. I know that many of you are facing dark and difficult times this year and I want to send you all my love and a wish that you find the strength to face them too. For those of you, like me, that have lost loved ones, I hope that you also find peace and a hope for better days ahead. You are a wonderful group of people - and I am so proud to be part of this amazing forum family.

Much love



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hello deb, i am so pleased to read your post, like you i am glad the festivities are over, for another year, as you say what might 2013 bring? who knows. praps best we dont eh!!

i am not in your position i know, but i sometimes feel as thou im grieving, spose its living with a time bomb. mostly im ok, but sometimes-------

anyway back to "you" its truly lovely that you are beggining to see a way forward, no matter how small your steps, they wil hopefully guide you to a better place, no memories will be taken from you, but they too will form your future, you must have learnt so much about yourself, and others? along the way.

you are a delightful person, always there for others, with a kind word or suggestion, its now time for you deb, and i truly hope you find the courage and strength, to face your future, head on.

very, very best wishes and love to you deb, laura xxxx

bring it on, 2013!!

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Dear Deb. Thank you for such an inspirational post at what is, for many, a difficult time of year. As you are all too well aware, it is difficult when you have lost your loved one. It is also difficult when you know that the loss is coming like an accelerating express train - as is my own case with my Andrea.

I took comfort both from your new found hope for the future and from your kind wishes to us all. Thanks Deb,


Paul x

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PCUK Nurse Dianne

Thanks Deb,

What an inspiration! I think your very moving post highlights the different chapters that you all move through along this journey. For all the forum family at different stages of this journey I feel your encouragement and sharing your feelings is very important. As we know the best resource or person to share with is someone who is/has experienced a similar journey and as humbling as it can be to be so open and share this; it is truly appreciated by others.

Thank you for your encouragement and sharing with others and lighting the way.

Best wishes for 2013,


Support Team

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Oh Deb, you are so wonderful to post about your feelings, echoing what so many of us are thinking and feeling. Thank you. Our first Christmas without Pete was a bitterwseet mixture and in many ways I am feeling his loss more now that it is all over. I cannnot imagine a whole year without him. I have never in my life lived on my own before and it is hard to keep going every day. Thank goodness I have my dogs, they get me up and out every single day. I am so thankful to have this forum and all of you as friends because the understanding of someone who has 'been there, done that' is so very special.

with love



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So lovely to her from you all - you all continue to inspire me and I wanted to mention people by name in my first post but was worried I would offend someone, but as it turns out, those I was thinking of most when I wrote it were first to reply. I am touched.

You are right, Laura - the grieving begins long before the loss and Paul, I remember the feeling that I was constantly running away from a train carrying a load I did not want off-loaded onto me - I feel for you both, living with this dreadful situation but I so admire your strength. I know you don't necessarily feel very strong because you are just getting on with it, but you are wonderful.

Sue, I wish I could tell you that it gets easier, but it didn't for me but I think that's because it is a process that you seem to have to go through and there is no avoiding it, and it takes time - its own time. I know that you are surrounded by wonderful friends and family and that is certainly what has got me through - I have felt very secure held in their collective arms. I, like you, have never lived alone and I lay awake at night jumping at every strange sound (had considered buying a dog!) I hadn't realised how safe I felt with my man lying next to me - I do miss that.

Sue F and Dianne thank you for your comments - they mean so much but I really would not be where I am today (I had a vision of Reggie Perrin then!) without you all.

I am certain we will continue to be here for each other.

Love to you all and especially Paul - things are so tough for you at the moment and I think of you and Andrea every day and hope for the very best for you both.



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Hi Deb

I'm glad that you have found some peace, and have had the all important dream that you longed for.

This Christmas has been such a strange time for me and my family. Christmas day was not that great, in one part I kept thinking back to last year when mum showed her defiance to the doctors and raised a glass to us, the last day that she was coherent and awake. My Dad didn't make things too easy for me, and instead of having a relaxed atmosphere, it was rather tense in the expectation that he would kick off at any moment.

It was mum's anniversary on Sunday 30th Dec. The day before I was in such a state, dreading the actual day, luckily my brother had spoken to my Dad and we had sorted things out. The day itself, it wasn't too bad. I felt annoyed with myself that I slept through the time that she passed away, but I was so tired the previous few nights I had been going to bed very late so as not to lie there thinking. I decided on the morning to go to church and something very strange happened, I got approached to see if I was interested in job at a local school, I was so shocked, that it happened on that day of all days, I feel mum had a hand in it.

I went to the crem with Dad, my brother, kids and Chris, I was pleased we went but unfortunately the book with mum's name in wasn't opened for some reason, which was a disappointment, but we laid some flowers at her plaque, and it was nice doing this as a family.

I woke up on new year's day and it seemed the weight had been lifted, the sun was shining - at long last - and we went to the beach for a day out, I feel sad that mum is no longer here, but the trauma of last year has turned into a sort of dream state, one that I don't ever want to see again, or at least for a very a long time. I feel that she is still around me, but this is a new year, and a new start. Good luck to you all at whatever stage on this awful journey will chat soon xxx

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Hi Louie

So glad that you found the strength to get through a difficult xmas. I see on your other post that you were not well yourself and despite this and the disastrous veg/turkey issue (I am sure you were NOT alone with that one, Louie!)you managed to clear the air with your Dad and find your own peace. I am a great believer in fate (even though I question it's choices) and I believe you sleeping through the time of your mum's passing anniversary was fate - what else would you have done but spent those moments thinking and stirring up painful memories so perhaps to be sleeping peacefully was itself exactly the right thing to be doing in your journey to find some peace. So wonderful to also be offered a new opportunity - what does that say too? A sign that it is time to look ahead? I think you are right that your mum is guiding you onto a new path. I know that I have spent all of last year clinging on to my husband and torturing myself with thoughts and memories of those awful last few weeks when instead I should have been remembering our very best times and looking to make new best times. He won't be here to be part of it, but he will be tagging along and watching us. I'm sure your mum is doing the same with you. It is up to us to not let them down by giving them something sad and boring to watch - what do you think Louie?

Sending you lots of love and a hope that we continue on our new path feeling more positive and hopeful. So glad to share it with you.



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What a moving post

So glad you have reached a place of Happy Memories for you and your daughter

It is certainly a strange process

So awful to lose a parent quickly to this PC


To lose your husband,sorry cannot imagine

You are so brave,I also realise one has no choice but to try and stay sane-- whatever that is

Tears still come easily reading many of these boards

All the very best for this new year



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PCUK Nurse Jeni

Hi Deb,

Just back to work today after the Christmas period, and wanted to thank you personally for your lovely, hope inspired post.

You are an amazing "warrior", and you will get through this year with a different outlook, filled with new opportunities.

We really appreciate you Deb, and all you do for others on the forum.

Take care,


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Hello Deb,

What a lovely post about the New Year and moving forward. I too have finally got round to filling in the calendar for 2013 - I have still put in Steve's birthday and deathday and our anniversary and the date of his funeral! Those dates will always be engraved in our hearts and minds.

It would seem that your healing process is starting to work so good luck for this year. It is sometimes hard to express to our family on here that we are gradually moving forward, even if it is only little steps, but I hope it also gives inspiration to others.

With love and hope for the year to come.

Diane xx

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