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Ali - Helen

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Hi Helen

I saw your post last night - but can't find now.

I wanted to say something, how hard it must be in the run up to the first anniversary. I haven't got to the "dates" yet, things still ticking along as normal. My firsts for when Mum got really ill will be June.

I went to the crem today with Dad, we sorted out a placque for Mum, this will take about 10 weeks, so more than likely in the midst of the "firsts".

It was the first time I have been there since mum's funeral, broke down in tears, remembering standing outside after the service.

I don't think that we - as the people standing by - will ever get over losing a loved one, whether they are our parents, partners or children, I suppose we somehow come to terms with them not being here anymore. I am definately not at that stage - I seem to go in denial and suddenly wonder where mum is and that I haven't spoken to her for ages. Which is completely ridiculous as I used to talk to her every day.

I am going to start counselling soon, I have been incredibly angry, not any person or god, just at this cancer. I think, I hope, this will help.

Anyway I am rambling, I just wanted to say, hi - I'm thinking of you - I know others are sadly going through what we have already gone through, if you want to get into contact - and that goes for any of my friends on here - you can ask Jeni for my email.

Take care - hoping that everyone has a relaxed and chocomanic easter - I know that's what its not meant to be about - but complete chocoholic here.

Take care

louie xxx

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Morning and Happy Easter

So touched by your post-thanks

Yes ,it is so strange how we grieve and life goes on

Go to work as part-time practice nurse,but mum is in my head all time at the moment

Then when i come home-want to think what were we doing this time last year,i even looked at last years calender--so i know i went with her to GP this day last year,and i know it was sunny and we went for coffee to Brig o Doon hotel and sat outside,there was a wedding on and we watched all the photos been taken and she enjoyed it so much.The next time i was there was for lunch in October after we had a small family service to put her ashes with my dads.Brig o Doon hotel is not a sad place for me as we have had many family celebrations there.Even the hotel we picked for after the cremation is where i still go a lot for drinks and mum came with my husband and i sometimes.

My husband has suggested counselling might be an idea,especially as my sister and i have not spoken since october--both angry at each other for various reasons (mind you we were always bit like that) --she lives down south and we are in scotland so as you can imagine "things were said "--but hey ho,

Anyway sorry to go on and on--on a lighter note i was at a Latin dance class last night and we are cooking for friends tomorrow night----so weird as one just goes on, but there is nothing else for it.

Hope your dad is doing ok

Try to think your mum would want you all to be happy and she would want you to remember the good times and all her love----easy to write or say but harder to carry out at the moment (some days i manage it esp. when with my daughter who is 25 and we talk/joke about " gran things "

Anyway better go and get showered and get shopping, very easy to look at these boards for hours

take care and thanks

speak soon

Helen xxx

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