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Welcome to this new forum on coping with loss


PCUK Nurse Jeni
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  • 3 months later...

Not sure if this is the right section to post this on, but I found this very moving.

A friend of mine wrote this in a card she sent me.

"When the sky is not so cloudy,and you start noticing the sunshine,then just you remember his smile,and then remember all the times you were the reason for it."

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  • 2 months later...

It's been three months since I lost my lovely husband to PC, and I honestly don't know how I have reached this point.I've read other posts of anniversaries and I guess everyone is different, with some similarities.I've already had my birthday and our wedding anniversary, and I've volunteered to work for christmas.

I went back to work quite quickly,I cope because he wanted me to be ok and worried about me being so. I want to hit the next person who tells me I must be so strong,they don't see me break in half when I walk into an empty house,especially when I'm tired.

Losing my soulmate has literally cut me in half,some people don't find our love in a whole lifetime,we had 23 years,but wanted another 23+

He left me some messages on my laptop for the difficult days, but i'm trying not to watch them as I'll have nothing left,I have lots of memories I know,and I talk to him often, but on some days that's not enough.

I know I'm not the only person this is happening to but I could really do with some advice on how best to cope.

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Hi

It's been a year for me, tomorrow would have been our 3rd wedding anniversary but my second without Andy.

We were together 15 years, but being 34 and a widow I'm still struggling, time isn't healing, in fact, I can't even think too much about what happened because, when I do I feel like I may never stop crying.

Some days I feel like I'm coping, others I feel anger, tiredness, lost.

I can't sleep, can't concentrate, and when everyone else's lives carry on it hurts?

So, I guess, we're all in an exclusive club on here? One that no-one wants to be a member of.

We just plod on - try our best, and keep striving for survival ?

Xxxxxx

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Lynbo,I think you summed it up completely.

Some days we cope, some days are truly difficult.

Like you I feel lost, angry at life itself,and tired. I've been told this is all part of the grieving prosess,but there are times I feel it's getting harder with time, not easier.

You've just confirmed for me that it does get even harder,and I too feel hurt when people go back to thier normal lives when ours will never be the same again.

I'm quite new to this club that no-one wants to be in,venting on here with a good cry seems to help temporarily,but I may need some help, I'm just not sure talking to a stranger who didn't know him will help me?

I hope you spend tomorrow as you need to.

Take care x

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Hi Mints

Well, I find counselling a help, but I know it's not for everyone.

It's easier for me because I'm an only child, and my parents truly loved Andy like a son.

So, for me to talk about how I feel is hard as they get upset.

Maybe you could try a few sessions?

Last year I went to the church where we got married, I'm not particularly religious, but I found it comforting, tomorrow I'm going to the crematorium to leave flowers, then to visit a friend, our bridesmaid, she lives in Switzerland now but has come home to see me xxx

I would love to tell you it all gets easier, but I suppose, it all depends on your circumstance/relationship?

We had no children, so it's just me now, and as Andy was diagnosed and passed away 7 weeks later we hardly got to grips with it all and he was gone.

I think you have done well going back to work, I haven't.

Take care

I'm thinking of you

Xxxxxx

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Hi Mints and Lyn


I am so very sorry for you both on losing your husbands. I am not in the same situation, it's my mum who is ill. She hasn't got very long left, we have been told weeks, not months. At the moment I cannot even imagine the pain of losing her and never having her to talk to, but I know the time will come in the not too distant future.


I honestly cannot comprehend the thought of losing Chris, my husband. He, like your husbands, is the love of my life. I know I cannot say anything that you haven't heard before, but I just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.


louie xxxx

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Hi Louie

Thank you, it doesn't matter who are loved ones are, it's still awful, sad, upsetting and frustrating, as we want to do all we can.

It's good to speak with ppl who understand, as it's very hard unless you are living it or have experienced it

Xxxx

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Hi Mints & Lynne,


I wish I had words that would comfort you both, but I know there is none that can take the ache away. I really do hope you both find the strength to get through each day.


Lynne Im thinking of you today. Rachel xx

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After I wrote on here yesterday I watched my messages from my hubby on my laptop,I cried my eyes out but, they were a comfort.

Lynne,I too am an only child, and I've always been happy with my own company, but this is just lonley, even if I see friends they feel distant.I'm close to my mother-in-law who at an early age lost her husband and now her son before his time. I know she recognises what I'm going through, but is in pain also.

I had a son before I met my hubby,they grew very close over the years, and he's been agreat comfort to me, but again has his own life to lead, he calls quite often. We didn't have any children together.

I'm back at work because I need to financially, maybe I'm not ready

However, I've made an app. with my g.p. to be refered for councelling.. fingers xxxx

Louie and rachel,thank you for your thoughts and prayers,I think it helps to know there are people out there who understand.

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Hi mints

Well an emotional day, but not as bad as last night, which was horrendous!

I totally agree, being an only child you kind of get used to yr own company, but this is very different.

My house does not feel like a home anymore, most nights the ticking of the clock makes me feel quite alone and isolated, just sat in silence?

I have many lovely friends, who I love dearly, but those little jokes, cuddles, chewing over the days events, it's not the same is it?

I'm glad you are going to go to counselling, proud of you, you can only try.

I hope the waiting list isn't too long?

The first session will be hard as you will have to tell 'your' story, but then, it should get easier?

Here's hoping so?

Today, I have a house full of flowers, and a head & heart full of happy memories xx

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  • 1 month later...

I have only just found this discussion forum for coping with loss. It has been 3 weeks since I lost my Dad. Nothing prepares you for this, it doesnt matter who the person is , not even when it was kind of expected. I am totally heartbroken, it seems to be getting worse some days. Some days I do nothing but think about him and how much I love him and miss him. Mornings and last thing at night are the worse. I wake up thinking about him and go to sleep thinking about him. Some nights I dont sleep at all, then I konk out I am so tired then I lie awake again and so the pattern repeats itself. I know he is in a better place but I miss him so much. I am grateful that I moved in with my Mum and Dad for the last 3 months to help look after him as I really cherish all the talking we did and I love my husband for being so understanding and letting me do that.

But now everything is so empty. I get angry at people laughing or having a good time and then I feel guilty as it's not their fault. All in all I am a bit of a mess. I am back at work, its a distraction if nothing else.

I may think about counselling at some point.

Thanks for letting me vent!

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Helen F

Vent away, I'm finding this time of year rubbish, it is my second Christmas without Andy but I guess I was on autopilot last year? As this year feels ten times worse, I want to scream at Christmas adverts, and people fighting in queues in town, the meaning is not the same, I've no tree and no decorations, Andy loved all that, I've been in the loft looked at the boxes of decorations, cried and come down.

It's torture.

My grief has moved on, but to a level where I am making myself ill trying to remember our last Christmas, his voice, his touch, it's not a nice place.

Laying in our bed on a night just thinking, unless I have a sleeping tablet and be a zombie the next day?!

My parents are feeling it too, they haven't put a tree up, we are all totally shattered.

I'm donating what money I would have spent on cards to PCUK.

That's my bit to make good of the terrible situation

Xxxxx

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Hi there,


I'm new to this as well. We lost our mum to PC on 27th December 2010. It was all so quick, she was admitted to hospital on 8th Dec, and before that had only been feeling ill for a few weeks.


We had less than 3 weeks to come to terms with the fact that our otherwise healthy mum had cancer and wasn't going to get better. We hadn't realised how close to the end she was, had hoped that she might at least have a few months so we could say goodbye. The day she died was also her 64th birthday. We are all finding it difficult as the anniversary approaches, but particularly my dad who has spent the last 12 months going through the motions but not finding any joy in life as his precious wife, who had been by his side for 43 years is no longer there. I still feel so bitter. My daughter was only 8 months old when my mum died and I feel robbed that she will never have the priviledge of knowing and having a relationship with my mum. That the version of my dad she will know will always be incomplete. I am comforted by my daughter as know that without her to distract me I probably wouldn't be coping as well as I have. My poor dad does not have that luxury.


I just wanted to share my story and let people know that as the difficult Xmas period approaches, my thoughts & prayers are with you all. It won't be easy and I'm sure many tears will be shed, but you'll get through it (this is the mantra that i'm hoping will carry me through :)


J.

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Hi Helen&Dairylee,


Seems we're all struggling at the moment,as xmas gets nearer.I can't wait for it to be over,I try to block out as much as possible, like Lynbo I haven't put up a tree or any decorations,not even sent a card,this is my first xmas without my husband

Helen it's tough for you as your loss is so recent.

Dairylee my heart goes out to you and your dad.

It's going to be difficult for all of us, but we will cope by trying to remember the best of times,shed a few tears, and maybe treasure those memories.


Look after yourself eveyone,


Mints

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Hi it's 2.30am

I've been laid 'thinking' again.

I don't think some people realise that Christmas isn't always such a happy occasion?

So, I too am thinking of you all and sending love.

One of my friends contacted me today to say that she too wants to donate to PCUK instead of sending Christmas cards.

I was touched

Xxxxxx

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  • 1 month later...

Hallo to everyone,

It's almost nine months since I lost my husband, Kevin. He was my soul-mate, my one and only and I am in despair. Christmas was awful without him and I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I am in work, sort of...having a few days off sick (not for the first time recently). I hate letting them down, but have been crying more and more. I do manage to sleep most nights, but not before my mind has gone over and over the last weeks that Kev and I spent together. He was diagnosed and gone within a month. I play it all over in my head so many times. It's heartbreaking and I keep coming up with more questions and blaming myself for not realising there was something wrong. I know that this is illogical. I know that I did all I could, but it doesn't stop me from thinking that I should have done more...

What a cruel world this can be.

I am sending good wishes to everyone suffering from this awful disease and all the family members left behind dealing with the awful aftermath. I had some counselling with Cruse and it WAS helpful. I am going to go back for some more and I urge anyone in this position to try it, it really can help. Best wishes to everyone. xxxx

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Hi everyone.I came across this site for information and advice a few months ago when my dad was diagnosed with pc.My dad passed away on the 7th of december and it was really sudden and unexpected. We knew that the cancer was termianal and that he only had a few months left but we thought he would be with us for xmas, which he was really looking forward to.aswell as my wedding next week. i have now postponed my wedding as its too soon and i cant imagine getting married now without my dad giving me away. it has been such a terrible time and he was in a lot of pain which was so hard to see. i keep telling myself that he is no longer suffering or in pain and is in a better place but nothing can take the pain away. When my dad first passed and on the day of his funeral and the days following i felt a strange kind of calm and strength. i felt my dad was keeping me strong. but i have had a bad few days recently where i feel so upset and angry. the hardest thing is not coping with my pain but seeing how upset my mum is. life really will never be the same for her. they were married for over 30 years and never spent a night apart.she said she wished she had died with him and that she has no future and will never be happy again.it hurts me so much to see her like this. i'm trying my best to comfort her and be there for her but there's nothing i can do to take her pain away and it kills me .

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PCUK Nurse Jeni

Hi Nia and Laura81,


I am very sorry to hear about the pain you are both going through with the loss of a loved one to pancreatic cancer. It is a difficult disease, and very viscous the way it takes hold of a person so fast. Also, although there is never a good time, it is particularly difficult around the celebration season, as memories are never far away. Others seem busy going about their business, and it is difficult to make sense of what is happening around you.


I do hope you both find some peace soon, and remember, that the support line is always available for support, or a listening ear.


Kind regards,


Jeni.

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  • 7 months later...

Hello,


This is the first time I´ve posted anything on any kind of forum. I´ve read what others have written and their words could have been written by me.


I lost my husband six months ago. He was diagnosed with PC two years ago but was able to have an operation to remove the tumour. He tolerated the after treatment extremely well, gained weight, was getting fitter. We really thought he´d been given a "second chance". But suddenly his health went into decline with various other complications and, shockingly, he died in March.


I feel part of me died with him. We met when I was 18 and have been together every day since, every day for 38 years. I feel so empty and lost and every morning when I awake the thought of the day stretching ahead of me without him, fills me with dread. Tears flow all to easily and too often. I´m so tired. I haven´t had a good night sleep since he died and the emotional turmoil is exhausting too.


I´ve just celebrated what would have been his 70th birthday by going to the Cathedral, lighting a candle and quietly reflecting on the wonderful life we had together. Next month would have been our 33 wedding anniversary. Then it´s my birthday, then Christmas. But every day is like an anniversary to me - a first day without him.


We didn´t have children so there is no-one to share my grief with. I have really good friends who have been wonderful and supportive but I´m aware they are getting on with their lives whilst my life, as I know it, is over. I just wish I could stop the pain.


Thank you for listening.

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Hi Sharrie,


First of all,welcome.

There are many of us in this exclusive club that no-one wants to be in, but it can be a huge comfort, if only to know we are not alone.

The tears, tiredness, and the dread of each day does ease, I think, by doing little things that bring us comfort, like lighting a candle.

I went through our photo album and put a lot more photos of us around the house, birthdays and anniversaries, I stll put out old cards we sent each other.

Friends and family can be great but they're not always there for the very low moments, we generally choose to have those alone, don't we.

It's been just over a year since my husband died, and like you I feel a part of me has died also(and sometimes wishes it),sadly I don't think we can stop the pain, just learn to live with it.Time takes us into another era that is completely alien to us and out of our control.

I find the evenings the worst, I still chat to him, and imagine a reply, I'm sure if someone saw me they'd think I was bonkers.

There are days though, thats not enough, when I miss him so much I have what I call

" a bad day" Then I attempt to remember the laughter, his smile,and the memories that will stay forever.


Be kind to yourself Sharrie,

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Thank you, Mints, for your kind words.


I feel so alone. I want to talk about my husband all the time, try and figure out what actually happened and why he died. So many questions. Although his CA19 readings were very high, a PET scan came back clear - just a week before he died. The cardiologist had seen him a few days before and was happy and said she didn´t need to see him for another six months. I just don´t understand how this has happened.


I keep thinking I´m living in a bad dream and one day I´ll wake up and he´ll be there beside me, his hand reaching out for mine as it did every morning for so many years. I still can´t believe he´s gone. How does anyone get over this awful sense of despair?


A friend told me that the pain I´m feeling now is the price we pay for love and that every tear is worth a moment of a life shared. I´m sure you too have shed many tears and I am deeply sorry for your loss as I know what you are going through. I wouldn´t wish this pain on anyone. I too have looked through old photographs and have placed one in every room. And I like the idea of putting up cards we´ve sent to eachother - I´ve got quite a collection, 38 years worth in fact.


Thanks again, Mints. it´s comforting to know you´re there.


Sharrie x

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Hi Sharrie,


Again, a similar story.

We saw a district nurse in the morning who said she would "flag up"when things got worse.

Later that day my husband collapsed and died, alone, while I was at the shops.

I remember spending days analysing coversations with health proffessionals, and tormenting myself with different senarios,but as they say, hindsight...

Just as you describe I can relate to waking up and taking a few minutes to realise it's true.

Like you I wanted to talk about my husband to friends and family but I think they got a little fed up with it.

I still find it hard to be in the company of couples,and some people even suggest I might meet somebody else, I know they mean well but,I guess they don't realise what we meant to each other.

I would love to offer you some advice to help heal the pain, but I think it's different for all of us, with some similarities.


Take care.

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Hi everyone


I have not posted before and did not find the forum until quite recently. I don't want to depress anybody but I lost my only son Gavin to this evil c****r. After a major surgery in 2009 (he was 39), he was having problems which was attributed to IBS and the like. They removed his spleen part of his intestines that had twisted and died and part of his pancreas and fitted him with a colostomy bag, telling him when his intestines had had time to recover they would do a reversal. A week after leaving hospital he was readmitted with severe abdominal pain and went through a further surgery and went to ICU for a week. In all this time he had lost 3 stone in weight at 6ft 3ins it was not too obvious. He was told they would send him an appt. for December to have a scan and the reversal in the new year. When December came and he heard nothing he phoned and they said they had no record of him!!!! they finally gave him an appt for a scan in January in February he had a letter from Oncology for an appt. Needless to say I knew what this

meant but said nothing, we both sat at that appt to hear the consultant say "this is serious you have PC" to say we were gobsmacked is an understatement the surgeon the previous August had done a biopsy but chose not to tell us the results!!!! After a 3 month course of 3weeks on and 1 off of chemo he chose not to have (his words) any more of that poison pumped into him. He had several stints at the hospital and spent end of Oct & Nov 2010 in the [name removed - moderator] and Dec in [name removed -moderator](hospice) he only wanted to come home to his own flat that he bought in Dec 2008. We brought him home and I moved into his spare room and the district nurses called everyday. He passed peacefully on 10th January.

I am still in pieces, I tried to return to work but they made me redundant, I have had counselling, didn't think it was for me, but I do get a lot of support from another forum for bereaved parents. It is a very hard and lonely road, my partner tries I have been with him over 10 years and he is very fond of Gavin, communication with my daughter is very strained, I just feel so very empty and alone. Gavin stayed living at home until he was 35, [name removed -moderator] is very expensive to buy and he said he would rather give me board than go elsewhere. We had such a brilliant relationship and I miss him so much.


I am sorry if I have overstepped the mark but once I had started it was difficult to stop. My heart goes out to everyone walking this road with PC.


Best wishes

Gavin's mum, Catherine

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Dear Catherine


I am very sorry to hear of your Son's terrible ordeal. For me it is quite frightening reading this as I am very nearly your Son's age.


He was so young, and seems terribly unfair and unjust not only by that fact of having this hidious cancer but also by the lack of care/information from the doctors.


I lost my mum 8 months ago, and have a vague idea of what you are going through, but cannot really offer any help as the age difference and relationship is so far apart.


There are a few people on here who have lost children/husbands/wives in this age bracket. I hope that you get some help from this site, it is a very good informative site and I have made friends on here who know what you are going through.


Take care.


louie xxx

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