What is going on?

[Tip Top]

I lost my partner of 40 years three weeks ago. He was my soulmate, we did everything together. It was expected but happened quite quickly in the end. Pancreatic cancer was a tough journey but he had a good death in the hospice with his family around him. We have had the funeral, which was lovely, and my family have been around, although they will leave soon and I will be on my own. 
 

I loved my partner with all my heart. We did everything together and the thought of living without him is intolerable. What I cannot understand though, is that I don’t seem to be grieving. I have cried but not much, and day to day I appear to be coping fine. I am getting things done, joking with people and socialising. It all seems very unreal. I should be a mess, why am I not collapsed in a heap? This makes me feel terrible, like I am not honouring my partner. I just don’t understand it and feel so guilty. I wish I could cry uncontrollably, that would make me feel much better. 

[rogs]

I lost my beloved wife Margaret to Pancreatic Cancer just over 2 years ago.  We had been 'an item', as they say, for over 50 years, and married for 49 of those years. We were very close.

 I had been nursing her for about 8 months, and the end was peaceful, thankfully.

 

But I didn't cry very much at the time - or since.   I was - and still am - mostly just numb.

It's difficult to describe what I feel like to other folk ... there are essentially no words.

 

I did feel guilty for a while if I laughed at a joke, or had a 'chatty' conversation with someone. I think most people I know will think I'm doing 'OK'.

But I'm empty inside, and I suspect  that many folk in the same position will understand that.

 

What is true is that for both you and I - and sadly many others - this new world we inhabit is very strange. 

It takes some navigating, and there's very little other people can do to help there.

It's a very personal and individual experience. There are no 'rules' as such.

 

Not crying much is certainly not very high up the list of being very important, in my experience.

 

 

 

 

 

  

[Tip Top]

Thank you Rog, and I am so sorry for your loss. It is so hard to live without someone who has been your partner and soulmate for your entire adult life. Numb is a good way to describe it, and so difficult to come to terms with. The tears have come for me this week, out of the blue, but then again suddenly disappear. 

 

Like you say, there is very little that friends can do to help. People ask all the time how I’m doing and I honestly don’t know what to say. I’m not ok but if I tell them how I’m really feeling, what can they say? So I function on a surface level with a smile and pleasantries. Lovely friends keep thinking of ways to treat me, but I don’t want to feel better, I want to feel really sad. I realise that sound both ungrateful and bonkers but that’s how it is for me at the moment. 

[Thesea]

I kind of understand what you mean when you say you want to feel really sad.  Sadness is so distinctive, it takes over and you just function on a basic level at best but at least you know where you are and it can seem like you're showing your love & respect for the person you've lost.  But I guess that when you're used to coping, getting by, trying to 'act normal' for someone who was suffering, you're not going to suddenly collapse in a heap.

Maybe one way of looking at it is that you were used to getting by just fine when your partner was alive.  And that shared habit continues which would be a way of honouring him and you will cry again when the time is right.

[rhi]

I feel the same. Still functioning, empty. Low energy and waiting on a tsunami coming which hasn’t hit yet. It’s such a strange feeling when you have loved someone so so much. Like you expect more already. Where is it? When will it come?

[Jj24]

Hi Tip Top,  I was so relieved to see your post, I could have written it word for word. And Rhi your image of waiting for a tsunami to hit is one that I have used as well. My husband, partner and best friend of 27 years died 3 weeks ago and yet i carry on walking around, making dinner, watching tv, joking with friends, but I want to feel the pain of his loss because without it there is nothing left. I feel like the pain would be an echo of the love we had but instead it is as if I have woken from a dream where none of it was real. I do cry when I talk to friends about him but like you feel I should be floored with grief. We still have another 2 weeks to wait for the funeral, which like everything else on this horrible journey has been a battle to arrange. 

He was diagnosed in November last year when severe back pain turned out to be a tumour on the spine. I gave up my job to care for him as he was very immobile due to the back pain and he was so positive and determined throughout that I had no choice but to match his strength and positivity. Maybe that is what is happening we had to be so strong for so long for our loved ones that when they go it takes a while for that strength to crumble? 

I hope you are doing 'OK' and sending strength to everyone out there coping with their loss in what ever way it hits.

[Janecav]

Where do I begin?

I lost my Husband of 34 years just four weeks ago.He started with indigestion, weight loss then fast forward 75 days and he died at home from pancreatic cancer. We had no one to help us and he died a painful death,waiting for someone to come out to us for 2 hours.

I too was surprised at how 'well' I was doing but the past two days I have been hit by grief & am lost. I have a 21 year old son at home and I  don't know how to help him through this or how to get through it either.We don't want to do anything and time has stood still but the days fly and then I think ,that's another day gone without him.

Just so lost.

[Jj24]

I am so very sorry for your loss and for the clearly traumatic nature of your husband's death that must have been devastating. For us the funeral is not till next week and I think I'm just holding it together until then. I can feel anxiety and dread growing. I have 2 children still at home and we have all agreed to have counselling in a couple of weeks via the local hospice. It sounds like you didn't get much support from a hospice but I know macmillan also offer counselling so it might be worth contacting them? 

It just doesn't seem possible for life to have become this in a few short months. 

[Janecav]

Thank youJi24 

I'm sorry for your loss too.Yes it's surreal as to how quickly our lives are changed forever.

My Husband's funeral was a real celebration of his life,my Son and I spoke about the happy funny memories we have of him and how much he was loved and there was sobs and laughter.We feel we made him proud that day.

It's understandable to feel anxiety and dread but you will get through this funeral because the love you have for each other will hold you up & give you strength.

[Jj24]

Hi Jane, thanks for your lovely and encouraging words of comfort and yes i hope the funeral will be a celebration of his life too, he has so many friends who love him dearly too. I have barely left the house over the last 4 weeks and so I think part of the anxiety is facing so many people and hosting the wake. I cant believe he wont be by my side.

[Jj24]

My husband's funeral was on Wednesday and it was a truly beautiful celebration of his life and the very special man he was, packed with the friends and family who loved him so much. I thought the funeral would mark a change somehow and unplug the grief in me but I am still feeling numb and empty. I dont know what to do with myself, I want to feel the pain of his loss and instead feel like I will just have to get on with sorting out the mundane admin of his death.

 

[broju]

Yes, just do that Jj24.  I found all the admin gave me a purpose.  The numb, empty feeling will fade and be replaced by pain in many forms. They say time is a great healer but I’m not sure such loss ever heals. It changes and maybe we learn to live with it but I’m not sure about that either.  Don’t worry at all that you appear not to be feeling grief just now. Take each day as it dawns.  
 

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[Jj24]

Thanks Broju. It does help to express things on this forum. I have decided to crack on with  everything tomorrow 

[rhi]

Hi @ji24 @Janecav
 

So sorry you’ve had to experience this hell too. I know what you’ve been through and still will be too.

 

One thing that’s helped me is focus on the day only. I lose control of my emotional well-being when you imagine too much in the future. Ground yourself in today and try and make a habit of it.
 

I couldn’t bear to bring myself to go to Mums house and clear it out. I distanced myself from family and friends and still do. Self isolation helps I think to an extent but I do make sure I walk the Dog every day. Try and eat well. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Write. Even here. Seek help when you need it. I have been plagued with infections, viruses, bugs, aches and pains for the last 5 months. You name it I’ve been to the doctor. I’ve thought I had pancreatic cancer. I’ve been to my GP more times in 6 months than my life I think. 
 

i am engaging with counselling. It helps. 
 

i still have extreme fatigue.

Im not able to work to my same capacity as before. Sleeping is an issue. Not all the time. But can be. 
 

it’s such a hard hard journey but we’re experiencing it together in our own ways. 
 

please look after yourself. Do whatever you need to do to get through the day 

 

 

Edited August 19 by rhi
Wasn’t finished.

[Janecav]

Thank You RHI I will try to ground myself in the day as you suggest.Yes self isolation helps to gather my thoughts I find.Sorry you have had health issues for the past five months but its good that you can go to your Doctor and seek help.

I too am on the waiting list for counselling,which I`m hoping will help me.

Yes it is a hard journey and its good that we have this forum to talk about things with others that have experienced similar trauma of pancreatic cancer and the devastation that it brings.

Look after yourself too. 

[Jj24]

Sorry to hear about your health issues Rhi i think the trauma and grief can take a very physical toll on the body. I hope you are feeling better and getting stronger again.

 

Today should be our 21st wedding anniversary, every year we would take ourselves out to a really nice restaurant to celebrate, last year he was suffering from terrible back pain but we had no idea what it meant at that stage. Looking at the photo of him from that day I can see the pain in his face but as ever he put me first and we went out for lunch. In his card he wrote here's to the next 20 years. I want those years with him back, i want our life back. We had just started to look forward to the years ahead with the kids now working or at Uni, we were making plans and couldnt wait to have that time for ourselves to do things just for us. Now I am dreading next week when my daughter will be heading back to uni and my son will be at work, I dont have a job to go back to now, so what do I do?  I am intending to have counselling and have lists of things that I should be doing but somehow the days go by and I hardly ever find the motivation to do anything.

 

I took the kids out for lunch today to mark our anniversary and it was a good way to mark the end of this time mourning together. Its only been 11 weeks but I just feel so sad and empty and my mind is on a constant loop of feeling like I let him down when he died and I continue to let him down now.

 

Sorry for the pity party, I guess it is just the first of many difficult significant dates to navigate in the year ahead.