What is going on?

[Tip Top]

I lost my partner of 40 years three weeks ago. He was my soulmate, we did everything together. It was expected but happened quite quickly in the end. Pancreatic cancer was a tough journey but he had a good death in the hospice with his family around him. We have had the funeral, which was lovely, and my family have been around, although they will leave soon and I will be on my own. 
 

I loved my partner with all my heart. We did everything together and the thought of living without him is intolerable. What I cannot understand though, is that I don’t seem to be grieving. I have cried but not much, and day to day I appear to be coping fine. I am getting things done, joking with people and socialising. It all seems very unreal. I should be a mess, why am I not collapsed in a heap? This makes me feel terrible, like I am not honouring my partner. I just don’t understand it and feel so guilty. I wish I could cry uncontrollably, that would make me feel much better. 

[rogs]

I lost my beloved wife Margaret to Pancreatic Cancer just over 2 years ago.  We had been 'an item', as they say, for over 50 years, and married for 49 of those years. We were very close.

 I had been nursing her for about 8 months, and the end was peaceful, thankfully.

 

But I didn't cry very much at the time - or since.   I was - and still am - mostly just numb.

It's difficult to describe what I feel like to other folk ... there are essentially no words.

 

I did feel guilty for a while if I laughed at a joke, or had a 'chatty' conversation with someone. I think most people I know will think I'm doing 'OK'.

But I'm empty inside, and I suspect  that many folk in the same position will understand that.

 

What is true is that for both you and I - and sadly many others - this new world we inhabit is very strange. 

It takes some navigating, and there's very little other people can do to help there.

It's a very personal and individual experience. There are no 'rules' as such.

 

Not crying much is certainly not very high up the list of being very important, in my experience.

 

 

 

 

 

  

[Tip Top]

Thank you Rog, and I am so sorry for your loss. It is so hard to live without someone who has been your partner and soulmate for your entire adult life. Numb is a good way to describe it, and so difficult to come to terms with. The tears have come for me this week, out of the blue, but then again suddenly disappear. 

 

Like you say, there is very little that friends can do to help. People ask all the time how I’m doing and I honestly don’t know what to say. I’m not ok but if I tell them how I’m really feeling, what can they say? So I function on a surface level with a smile and pleasantries. Lovely friends keep thinking of ways to treat me, but I don’t want to feel better, I want to feel really sad. I realise that sound both ungrateful and bonkers but that’s how it is for me at the moment. 

[Thesea]

I kind of understand what you mean when you say you want to feel really sad.  Sadness is so distinctive, it takes over and you just function on a basic level at best but at least you know where you are and it can seem like you're showing your love & respect for the person you've lost.  But I guess that when you're used to coping, getting by, trying to 'act normal' for someone who was suffering, you're not going to suddenly collapse in a heap.

Maybe one way of looking at it is that you were used to getting by just fine when your partner was alive.  And that shared habit continues which would be a way of honouring him and you will cry again when the time is right.

[rhi]

I feel the same. Still functioning, empty. Low energy and waiting on a tsunami coming which hasn’t hit yet. It’s such a strange feeling when you have loved someone so so much. Like you expect more already. Where is it? When will it come?