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Our Journey without chemo

Guest Marmalade

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Marmalade, the description of your darling man's last morning was beautiful. My sister in law also died at home a few years ago, surrounded by friends, music and with a smile on her face. You have shown that there is another way for those who choose it. Many people and their relatives are afraid to say no to chemo and to chose to stay at home if they can. Many make their choices positively but some make them out of fear. I think many will take comfort from your story. And you are not alone in the house tonight. Louis is with you, of that I am sure.


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Dare I ask how your first night alone was? I can appreciate after spending all of your adult life with Louis it is going to take some getting used to. My sister in law lost her husband last year to cancer and lives alone as her children have left home. She keeps telling me how lucky I am to have my son living with me and of course I am.

Will be back later, just wanted to check in on you and Judith xxx

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Didge, you are such a darling!

My first night alone was not too bad. I got off to sleep ok but woke at 1am and watched some olympics for an hour then went back to sleep until 5am then dozed off and on. I think it is going to take a while to get out of the habit of waking and checking on Louis every few hours. I am in the house alone now and am content for the moment.

I had thought I may tackle a 2.5 hour drive to my sisters today and come home tomorrow but as I forgot to pay in the car park when I took a parcel to the post office and forgot to bring the shopping in for several hours I have decided its safer for me to stay where I am and in any case I don't feel I want to stray too far away from the house now. How I feel changes hour to hour, even minute to minute so I think I'll stay put until I am in calmer waters.

Going to look for some undemanding TV this afternoon as the weather is wet and windy and I did manage half an hour weeding and tidying before lunch.

M xx

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Marmalade, just been marking one year since Rob's funeral. He was a rebel but opted for a traditional Catholic requiem mass also. Keep talking to Louis and you will not feel alone. And the small hours are when you will catch the best of the final day of the Olympics! I've only ever managed midnight so far! Xx

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I have no words Marmalade...I got off the ferry this morning and checked on here immediately, but couldn't post then...what a trooper your man was.

Huge hugs, lots of love and strength and thank you for showing me that there is another way to the hell I have envisaged.

V x

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Hello all,

Have been going through a period where there is nothing to say, ergo no posts. I'm doing ok I think, I don't really have anything to compare it with but I am functioning better than my sweet daughter who has taken it very hard. I am sleeping in fits and starts but no worse than I have been while Louis was ill. I do tire very easily. I drove and hour and a half each way to my daughters yesterday and that was quite enough, having to concentrate for that long was difficult.

Funeral is next Wednesday and I think that when that is over and everyone else goes back to their normal life the loneliness will be accentuated. I'm dreading it of course just as I am dreading the probate stuff and the disposing of his things and all the other ghastly reminders that I am only half of something.

I met with the church organist lady yesterday and inevitably cried discussing Louis' beautiful music. She has been caring for a husband with MS for years and her reaction has made a big impact on me. She took my hand and said "shall we go outside and chat while we hang the washing out?" Two women sharing a common bond and doing everyday tasks as therapy. It did help and I have a feeling we will become friends.

Our favourite district nurse dropped by yesterday after her shift. How nice is that? Just wanted to know how Suzie and I are and brought me a condolence card. Then today Louis' lovely GP rang me to see how I was, she is not my doctor and I am not even with her practice! The kindnesses are overwhelming. I am arranging to have a slap up lunch for everyone delivered to her surgery on the day of their next team meeting. It's a surprise I am planning with the practice manager.

I hope you are all surviving the heat and humidity and that DG has managed to find everything after the move. xx

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Dear M

I'm so pleased you posted as I've been wondering how you were but didn't want to 'bother' you. I'm afraid I'm lousy at finding the right words, especially when someone that I care for is going through a such an awful time.

So I'm going to end here by simply saying that I hope you continue to do 'OK' but don't be hard on yourself if you find yourself wobbling all over the place. You're only human.

Much love

W&M xx

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I have just returned after my holiday, and have read your thread, I want to send you and Suzy love and hugs, your Louis, like my Trevor did it their way. Your thread is so beautifully writen and thankyou for sharing your experiences, of Louis's life and death whilst dealing with this truly horrendous disease. it will help so many people who have great fear of the end of life.

You can be as modest as you like, but you are obviously a very special person, who is much loved by those around you. As for your blip regarding seeing the love between your daughter and her husband, that's the hardet part there is to bare, the loss of, your special person, the one who knows you better that you know yourself, the one your always turn to when you have a funny story, a memory, or need a hug. I know you will cope, because you are one strong lady, and you will do it for Louis, he will be there in your heart and you have so many beautiful memories to carry you through. love your forum friend sandrax xx

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Dearest Marmalade, I hope everything goes as you intend it to be tomorrow. You have all been in my thoughts often and I am sorry I have not been around to post. We are here for you, whatever is to come in terms of emotions and whenever it comes. I think the meal for the GP surgery will be lovely as well.. they were exceptional to you and Louis throughout this. Send my love to Suzy as well, I can only imagine how horrendous it is to lose such a wonderful and lovely dad. x

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hey Marmalade. How did the meal go for the GP surgery and how are you? I hope you are all doing okay given the circumstances and that the day you planned for Louis went exactly as you wanted it. You are never far from my thoughts. x

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Hello Marmalade.

The Requiem Mass for your lovely Louis sounds beautiful, especially the Stabat Mater. Seldom heard these days. And thank you so much for sharing your very precious memories of your last goodbye.

If you are a music lover, do you know the Benedictus from Andrew Lloyd Webber's Requiem ? It's one of the most uplifting pieces of music I've ever heard. I listen to it in my car because Peter and I have very different tastes in music.

With love and prayers,


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