Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

[sandraW]

PW, as Marmalade says its whatever is right for you.

I was 17 and a half when my dad died suddenly at the age of 54 of a coronary thrombosis in the street. My mum left it up to me whether or not I went to see him, but he came home to my sister's house its 52 years ago and that's what you did in those days. Then because I had been to see my dad I had to go to see my Mum even though I was with her when she died. I felt I just had to go to see Trevor one last time, but the boys decided not to go, he didn't look too good either PW but he was still my Trevor, just do what you feel you want to do, and have no regrets make the decision and stick to it, sending you a cyber ((hug)) sandrax xx

[Didge]

You raise an interesting question Jeni as 3 funerals I went to last year were at least 3 weeks after the death (including Rob's) whereas when my husband died at the end of the 80s it was exactly one week and even that was considered quite long. In Rob's case it was the availability of the priest for the particular church he had chosen but in the others I think it was finding a venue for the wake. When my husband died we simply all went back to my House. However I have realised that many mourners are much happier coming to pay their respects at a venue rather than going back to the next of kins house. Perhaps also people want to personalise funerals so much more which is nice but takes time to arrange!

[Paige]

Hi PW,

As others have said the right decision will be different for different people. Like with you, my Mum, my sister and i all said our good byes on the day my Dad died and spent time with him after he had passed at the hospice. My sister and i were so torn about whether to go see him at the funeral home but for us personally we just knew that he didn't look well when he died and we knew he would look less well, we did however go and sit with the coffin at the funeral home, i didn't think i would gain much from this however it really helped my sister and i. My Mum also decided not to go see my Dad's body. For what it is worth i have no regrets about not going to see my Dad's body at the funeral home however i know this will be different for everyone.

Thinking of you.

Paige

xx

[Proud Wife]

I'm not big on words today as it's been a tough old day.

I asked for the funeral to be held earlier but I was told the 29th was the first available date that worked for everyone. I couldn't argue.

I am very happy and so very very sad at the same time to report that I did go to visit hubby today in his yellow submarine. I'm happy I did because I know he'd want me to check it was him in the coffin but also because he looked so very beautiful....to me and made me realise just how proud I am of they way he faced this evil disease head on, so brave and without complaint or self pity. I'd expected all sort of horrors but he was so peacefully lying there in his final resting place, in his bright yellow clothes of course.

I am so terribly terribly terribly sad though because it made me realise just how much I have been in denial. I've put shutters up to stop it hurting. I've been imagining him away on business. Not dead, how could be dead, it's just not possible. I'm sitting here crying as I'm typing this as reality's dawned I've lost the love of my life.

Rest in peace my sweetheart. I love you so much. Your Proud but heartbroken Wife xxxx

[sandraW]

Sending you a big cyber (((hug))) PW I understand just how you are feeling I really do love sandrax xx

[boa]

PW many of us here understand how you feel. I'm not sure it's denial as such. I think that, maybe, it's that this 'thing' is so big and such a change that we can't really get our heads round it. It's a tough disease and you are right to be proud of your hubby for the way he approached things and be proud of yourself too. Catherine

[jay]

Sending you a massive, massive hug, I truly understand also how you feel PW

love Jayne

xx

[Dandygal76]

Oh PW... I wish I had some profound words that were worthy of posting but all I can do is send you lots of cyber love. You are strong... One day at a time. I know your hubby would be so proud of you both. x

[Guest]

Dearest PW,

What can we say? How can our words help? Perhaps, just perhaps, knowing that we all share your heartache and are carrying the weight of loss with you may make is just a tiny bit less heavy. The people on here are all around you, you may not see our faces but we are there, silently marking time and holding each other up. Rest well PW, much love xx

[Guest]

Hi PW,

I am pleased you saw your husband, I think it can be a comfort, although I appreciate it is an individual thing.

I think they say he doesn't look the same, just in case you weren't there when he passed and didn't know what to expect. I too wanted to make sure it was Dad that was there, and that he was ok, if that makes sense? I never visited as much as I thought I would, probably a few times.

Will be thinking of you on the 29th and I will email you before. Won't be on the forum after today, but think of you and your son often.

Take care

Leila xx

[Proud Wife]

Please come back Leila sooner rather than later my lovely.

I was doing okay up to about Saturday night but remembering how I cried when I saw his coffin for the first time and remembering how I sobbed my heart out when I went to see him in the chapel of rest, as a crier, how on earth am I going to get through Wednesday? My stomach is churning at the thought of them just bringing him home (outside the house only en route for the crematorium) but he won't be able to walk inside and call out "I'm home". I have coped so very well, up to now.

My darling left home to get treated for an infection. We had no idea that he would return in a coffin. How am I going to be able to walk away at the end of the service knowing he's going to be cremated? I'd so much rather he be buried but I have to respect his wishes, that's what he wanted. I'm going to be wondering have the burned him yet, oh my word, it makes me feel sick to the pit of my stomach. I know I know I know it's not my husband, his spirit has not left me but physically all I have left of him is his body and I'm not ready to let that go. I don't suppose I ever will. Does this sound familiar to anyone? I am going to freak and make a show of myself. I was by hubby's side throughout, I couldn't make him better but I could be there with him, that was important. Now I am going to have to leave him alone when he enters the furnace. I don't want his final final journey to be alone. This is why I would have preferred him to be buried. Sorry for this emotional posting but Ihave to get it out and it's not something I can say to my son. xxx

[PCUK Nurse Jeni]

Hi PW,

This is very tough for you right now, and really, quite a normal reaction - the thoughts of him going past the house, the thoughts of the cremation - and if you are not accustomed to this.

However, its perfectly commonplace isn't it? Will there still be a plot to bury his ashes or what? I know some cemeteries do this, and at least then there is a "place" for you to go should you want to - I wonder is this an option? Or, maybe there are plans are there, for his ashes?

You will be OK on Wednesday - just be true to yourself PW, and don't try to "hold face" for anyone else, just be yourself. You are very strong.

Thinking of you,

Jeni.

Pancreatic Cancer Specialist Nurse,

Support Team.

[Proud Wife]

Hi Jeni

Again, his wishes were ashes spread at sea so I just have to do that. I asked him if I could keep them and he said that was a big no no. However, he did say that I could have some glass jewellery made with some of the ashes which will be really important to me as if I have a necklace made, I can keep him close to my heart.

The problem I have Jeni is understand why he died when he did. Was it an infection that took him or the disease? His oncologist has said that I can meet with him to get any questions answered but I know hubby, he would not want a "post mortem" over what happened, he would just tell me in his matter of fact way, it's happened, get on with it and make the best of it. I had just expected him to become skeletal and when that started to happen, I would know the end was near.

He weight normally around 87kg. On diagnosis because he'd been losing weight, he weighed 73 kg. With the love of a good woman who always believed the way to a man's heart was through his stomach, got him up to 98kg at his heaviest. He weight 83kg when he was admitted to hospital for the last time so that is by no means a starvation weight.

Also because he coped so very well, it didn't look like he had extensive disease. Or perhaps it did and I just couldn't/didn't want to accept it. He'd not been able to eat solid food for 2 months but was surviving okay (????) on Ensure. His walking was affected but because he was mentally the same old awesome hubby, maybe I was in denial. i don't think I will ever know.

The only thing that haunts me is, he was taken into hospital on a Friday with an infection. On Saturday morning I was told to expect the worst which came as a massive shock. I asked for every antibiotic to be thrown at him and by the monday morning, he was perfectly lucid and I was able to talk to him. I even told him how they'd told me to expect the worst because of the infection and we both laughed. On the wednesday, the oncologist came in and said if he got himself fitter he could have more chemo. I saw the oncologist on the Friday took him to one side and asked did he mean that or did he just say it to keep up hubby's morale. He said he meant it. When I told hubby to follow oncologist's instructions, he asked me if I was being honest with him and could he really have more chemo if he wanted. Because of what I'd been told, I swore on my life I was being honest, which I was. 2 days later he died. This makes me confident that I don't think hubby ever knew he was going to die then which is such a massive relief to me and I don't feel guilty that I gave him false hope because I didn't, I truly believed it 2 days before he died that chemo was an option. This is why I struggle.

But, if I put my emotions to one side and think with my head, I just feel that because hubby was such a strong character, he fought and fought and fought without us realising he was on empty.

Again sorry for rambling today, just feel the need to "talk" xxxxx

[Guest]

Hi PW, you ramble my lovely, you can say whatever is in your head. Sometimes we can answer and sometimes there is no answer and we can only sit on the side lines.

Much love xx

[Didge]

PW these thoughts do torment us but what you described as the hard lump which you could see and feel in his stomach was exactly the same as Rob in the days before he died so I think the end was coming pretty fast and I think it was the best outcome for him that he didn't realise how close the end was. Rob really struggled with that so am glad your hubby was spared. if having some jewellery made so you can keep him near but scatter the rest in accordance with his wishes, that seems the best of both. I think scattering at sea us lovely. A very close friend opted for that for half her ashes as she had lived on a boat for some years. Will be thinking of you. Xx

[Dandygal76]

Hey PW, do not torture yourself over what has happened. When we saw Professor xxx he told us that it was likely infection would take dad before the cancer. Their immune systems just weaken. There was nothing you could have done and everything you could do you did it already. I also get the cast my ashes to the sea. I have always had the same wish for myself and my family knows this. I don't want my family to mourn at my grave, I want them to live their lives and be happy. I am sure he had the same thoughts for you. You are strong and you will get through this week. We are here for you. x

[boa]

PW

As others say, many of us struggle with thoughts of the last few days. You did everything you could. My husband's ashes were scattered at sea. His friends with whom he owned a boat did it and stayed on land. I could see where the boat was. They said some poetry and scattered some ashes and then another poem and so on. They said it was special and peaceful.

Catherine

[Ant11]

Dearest PW

My heart goes out to you and as your forum family knows exactly what you are going through. As others have said, please try not to beat yourself up. The what ifs always seem to get in the way. We will be thinking of you tomorrow when you celebrate your wonderful hubby's life. Just be yourself and if you cry it doesn’t matter. Tears are a way of washing away your sadness. I spoke at Tracy's celebration and couldn’t read it out loud without crying but on the day, after a few sprays of rescue remedy was able to compose myself and talk. I felt very calm like Tracy was giving me the strength to do what I knew was the last thing I could do personally for her. I also tried to think how Tracy felt for the past 28 months and going through what she did and all because like all our loved ones they just don’t want to leave. The idea of Ashes into Glass is a lovely way to always have them as part of you. Oliver and Georgia are having rings made this way too. Sending you strength and massive hugs PW, in our thoughts and prayers and only at the end of an email when you are ready. Annette xxxxxx

[WifeampMum]

Dear PW, strength, hugs and love from me too for tomorrow. I'll be thinking of you. W&M xxx

[sandraW]

PW, you will manage tomorrow I know you will, as for tears, they are healing and calming so let them flow, if you need to. Trevor too went into hospital, but for a drain fitting, expecting to come home again after a few days, so I know exactly how you are feeling, but perhaps it was better for them that way. And we all want the best for them don't we.

As for the cremation I felt that it was just the envelope that Trevor had used while he was here, and the important documents inside had gone to a better place, but its still very hard to leave them there alone.

I have a pendant made from some of Trevor's ashes its very simple and it just nestles between my breasts so he will be smiling, my sons had it made for me without my knowledge and I wear it always I just feel its part of him. The rest of his ashes are on his side table at home, that was his wish, when I die our ashes will be scattered together, somewhere nice.

I feel for you so much and I am sending ((hugs)) love and strength for tomorrow, I will be thinking of you take care sandrax xx

[Dandygal76]

PW, sending you all my love for tomorrow. It will be an amazing send off and you will hold your head up high as that amazing Proud Wife and Proud Mum. And if the tears flow then the tears flow and that is nothing to worry about my lovely. You love him and he is yours to cry over as much as you need to. x

[Tinlady]

Thinking of you for tomorrow and going forward xx

[PCUK Nurse Jeni]

Thinking of you today PW.

Jeni.

[Guest]

HI PW,

We are all thinking about you today, the day here is dark and I am thinking of you in your wonderful yellow and how much your hubby would have loved the fact that he is still lighting up everyones life and making them smile.

Funerals are supposed to be endings but of course they are not. They are a chance for everyone to reflect on and celebrate the life of a good and gentle man. Your husband will be with you in your heart and soul forever and you will see him in the little mannerisms and gestures of your children and their children. His body may be absent but his spirit lives on through them.

My love to you and the family,

M xx

[jay]

Thinking of you PW

Massive hugs Jayne

x