Young Children

My Dad was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer and had his Whipples operation in October 2008. I decided to be as honest as I could with my 5 year old daughter and I explained that Grandad had cancer and that the bad cells in Grandad's body were taking over the good cells. Dad went on to have Chemotherapy and I explained that this treatment would try to 'zap' the bad cells. My Daughter was extremely close to her Grandad but she took his initial illness in her stride and her reaction was unremarkable.

Throughout his 6 months of Chemotherapy, my Dad would take my daughter on outings every weekend. I would remind her that Grandad may become tired and she was mindful of this, gently telling her Grandad that if he got tired or felt ill he should tell her and they could go straight home!

Throughout Dad's illness I reminded my daughter that Grandad had cancer but I didn't elaborate and of course, at that time I had no idea of the prognosis so there was nothing to add. However, after my Dad received his last dose of Chemotherapy he contracted septicaemia and was admitted to hospital. My Dad was extremely ill and spent 9 days in intensive care in an induced sleep. I told my daughter that Grandad was very ill and I hoped that the doctors could make him better. My daughter asked if Grandad could die and I told her the truth, that yes he could die but I hoped that he would get better soon. As the days turned into weeks for my Dad's hospitalisation, I was able to take my daughter to see her Grandad twice when he was having good days and she talked his head off!

After 6 weeks in hospital my Dad deteriorated and died. I was not looking forward to having to tell my daughter (who was now 6 years old) that her doting Grandad was gone. I explained that Grandad's body had stopped working properly and that the doctors could not make him better. I told her straight that he had died (until that time she thought that Grandad was staying in hospital forever and did not make the link between life and death).

I took my daughter into the garden and we sat down. With my arm around her I told her that the doctors could not make Grandad better and I told her that he had died. There were tears for a minute then my daughter went into the house to give her Grandma a big hug. After that my daughter was very philosophical about the whole thing. She started a memory book in which she promptly wrote about how sorry she was that Grandad had died. She discussed with me how she could talk to God to make sure her messages got through to Grandad. Finally, she wrote a letter to her Grandad which was placed in the coffin before his funeral.

I also wrote to the school, letting them know of my daughter’s loss and explaining what she knew about her Grandad’s illness. I suggested that she may ask questions about life and death but as far as I know, she has been perfectly okay at school.

My daughter was given the choice of whether or not to attend the funeral but she said it would be ‘too sad’ so I accepted her decision and she went to school as normal. After the funeral I told her about the reading her Uncle had delivered and she enjoyed listening to some of the things about her Grandad that she hadn’t known. We looked through the photograph album and chatted about the good times she had had.

I was dreading telling my daughter of my Dad’s death but she has taken it in her stride. We’ve noticed that she goes to her Dad for extra cuddles now. We are ensuring that she has lots of love and support and we are keeping her in a routine so that she feels the security of a loving family.

Dear Gill

Children take cues from their parents and the other adults around them. You have always come across as very straightforward - honest and realistic whilst at the same time hopeful - but above all very practical. It sounds to me that your daughter has been watching your reactions very carefully and is now able to deal with the loss of her dear Grandad by copying you. Her little memory book is her way of dealing with her feelings in a practical way. There may have been times when the two of them were alone and Grandad was able to reassure her and explain things to her in a way that she could understand, no mean feat when talking about terminal illness and death, but you obviously managed it between you and your dad.

I think it is wonderful that your dad spent so much time with your daughter, unfortunately my mum really withdrew into herself, always believing that she was going to get better and would spend time with her family when she was well. She never once acknowledged that she was going to die. The younger grandchildren are coping fine but the older ones have found it harder. I have faced this before and am adjusting fairly quickly, but my sister is still bewildered. Death is a part of life and children do very well if they are helped to understand that by those who love them, and in amongst all your sadness at the moment I hope that you will take comfort from the fact that you all did right by your little girl.

Still very early days for you, but I hope that you are managing ok. all the best xxx

Thank you Chinup for your very comforting message, I have never experienced a death and my Dad being overcome by this disease has been so profound. I take great strength from my daughter who remains bright and cheerful and positive. When she wrote her letter to her Grandad she said how sorry she was that he had died and how much she loved him she ended it by writing 'you taught me everything I know' - I take great comfort in the fact that my Dad had such a positive input in my daughter's formative years and it is now my responsibility to continue where he left.

How are you coping since your Mum passed on? I was reading your previous messages last night and I can really relate to your note to Ellie about your loss. I too can't believe my Dad has gone - it's as though he's disappeared as daft as that sounds, but most of my tears and thoughts of despair came when he was in hospital. Now there is calm and I am waiting for the real grief to hit me, but maybe it never will. I worry that things won't be the same again - my Dad was such a traditionalist, he had a childlike love of Christmas, Easter, Bonfire Night and birthdays - I will find it difficult to muster the strength to keep these occasions special and will never be able to outdo the effort of my Dad. Even while receiving chemotherapy my Dad would decorate two full sized Christmas trees and hang lights inside and outside of the house. My Dad's house was like Santa's grotto and he loved every minute of it!

I am glad to hear that your Dad is coping. I am amazed at my Mum who is really making an effort to keep going. She has 5 of us children and we go round and help around the house. My mum is disabled and I thought things would be far worse than they are but she has found strength and I feel that I don't have to worry unduly about her.

Well, my gorgeous little girl goes on a two day residential trip with her school tomorrow. She's all packed and ready to go and I shall miss her so much!

Hi Gill,

I just wanted to say that I really loved your story, you little girl is such an inspiration.

I'm glad to hear that you are doing ok so far and its great that your mom is managing. Regarding the occasions like Christmas that you mentioned, maybe your little girl will be the one who helps you all get through it. She will still want to enjoy these occasions so maybe that will enable you all to enjoy them aswell. I hope so, its certainly what your dad would have wanted.

Take care

Lisa

Hi Gill and how wonderful to hear that your daughter has taken the news so bravely. I know how worried you were about telling her and it is just fantastic to hear that, with her loving family around her, she is coping with this dreadful time.

Just as you did all you could for your Dad, you've enabled your daughter to understand by being gently honest with her throughout. Don't underestimate your part in this - as chinup says, children learn how to deal with issues by watching their parents. Having said that, at just six years old your daughter is an inspiration!

Stay strong Gill and keep on letting us know how you're getting on.

Love

Nicki x

Thank you for your reply Nicki, we're all getting on very well. When my Dad was around, my mum was pretty melodramatic and would be like a dying swan at the drop of a hat. She had her health problems and we always thought my Mum would go first because my Dad was so strong and was never ill. Now things are very different and my Mum is left a widow in a very large and lonely house. We were very worried at first but she has been fantastic and so strong. I know she has her moments but they are guarded and take place mainly when the family is not around. My Mum has 5 children and we have all naturally assumed our different roles. My brother will keep the gardens tidy and mow the lawn. My sister will tickle up the house, I have taken on all things financial and will carry out any other small task I note my Mum cannot manage. My other sister takes coffee and a chat with Mum and we all ensure that we invite her round for tea/dinner so that she always has something to look forward to. All things considered, she's doing exceptionally well. It would have been my Mum and Dad's 50th Wedding Anniversary in August 2009 which of course will be very traumatic for my Mum so I'll make sure she's not alone and, if she wishes, I'll take her out with me and my daughter for the day.

Gill

Your Mum is lucky to have such a supportive and loving family to help her through this difficult period. I'm so pleased to hear that the roles have been divided up between you - that means none of you are having to take on too much. I'm so pleased to hear that you're all getting on ok, it's early days yet, of course, but I know you'll all lean against each other for support when you need to.

I'm sure that the wedding anniversary in August will be traumatic for all of you and I think it's a lovely idea to plan an outing with your Mum and Daughter that day. It will, I hope, help all of you to cope with the first "big" day since your Dad passed.

Love and strength

Nicki x

Hello all,

I'm currently in turmoil over whether to tell my children about my disease. They are 6.5yrs old, 4.5yrs old and 21months - obviously the baby will have no clue and I doubt my 4yr old daughter will understand that much, but my 6yr old son - he is quite mature i some ways and has some understanding of life and death.

Originally last year when I had my diagnosis (Feb 2008) I decided not to tell them, they were too young in my eyes to understand and I wouldn't be able to cope with the questions they would ask. They are aware that my 'tummy' doesn't work properly because they always ask if I have taken my medicine when I have eaten (my Creon), and they were aware of my operation last year (whipples) and very interested in my tubes and staples (robot-mummy). As my chemo/radio therapy went smoothly I felt no reason to let them know how ill I was, and as the year progressed I actually thought I could be one of the small % of people who can beat this thing.

Now that it has returned, and spread I know my treatment is to stall the inevitable and so I am left wondering if I should tell my children, to prepare them or let them carry on as normal - not changing anything (I will write letters for when they are older of course) and let them have a worry free/emotional free run up to when I do pass. Sometimes ignorance 'is' bliss.

Kind regards,

Juliana

Hi Juliana,

I’m sorry but I’m not writing to offer you advise because I’m not in a position to do so. I’m 31 and my mom died on the 18th July two days after her 52nd birthday so different circumstances.

But I just wanted to say how very brave I think you are! I can’t read your post without crying and can’t even imagine how difficult this must be for you (and your husband)!?

My mom wrote letters to us, some we knew about (of course we never read them before) and one we didn’t know about until we found it. It was and is heart breaking to think that my mom was brave enough to think about what was going to happen to her and to write those letters. I feel that I never really realized it until we read them and I never told her how proud I was of her.

You must be an incredibly strong and brave person. I wish you lots of luck, I’m sure whatever you decide to do will be the right thing! Please let us know how things are going.

Love Lisa xx

Hi Juliana,

My daughter is 6 years old and she lost her grandad (my father) on 28 June 2009 to pancreatic cancer. From what you say in you posting, your children are aware of the events that have bought you all to where you are today. I'm sure you will do what you think is right as events unfold. My daughter is so philosophical about her grandad passing although they were so incredibly close. I talk about him often but she says that she doesn't want to talk because it would be too upsetting - I wish she would let it all out but something is stopping her (which surprises me). My belief is that my daughter will reflect on the course of events later in life so your letters could be key to your childrens' understanding of what you're going through.

All my love and best wishes, Gill xx