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EmmaR
Posts: 197
Joined: Fri Sep 20, 2013 11:06 pm

Re: Scared for my dad

Postby EmmaR » Sun Oct 20, 2013 11:31 am

Helen nothing I or anyone on this forum can say that will really convey our true feeling as to what your are going through so I will just send as much love as I can to you and your family you will get through this stay strong and remember( If you weep because the sun as set your tears won't let you see the stars ) old Hindu proverb .
Emma xxxxx

Helen_Catherine
Posts: 12
Joined: Tue Sep 10, 2013 2:01 pm

Re: Scared for my dad

Postby Helen_Catherine » Fri Oct 25, 2013 10:18 am

I can't believe I am typing this but my dad past away at 12.50am on Wednesday morning. After spending a day asleep for most of it and not being able to talk when he was awake, I think it was all too much for him and he slipped away about 4 hours before I left him. My last words to him were to get some rest now and that I loved him very very much. I know that he wanted to say it back but he couldn't. I couldn't say goodbye to him, I always said I would see him tomorrow even though I knew there was always a chance I wouldn't. It broke my heart when my mam told me to rush to the hospital and then she rang me again whilst I was on my way to say it was too late. Part of me thinks that as my dad was quite a quiet and private man at times that he wanted to pass away on his own. The day before he kept telling us to go home and I think that he found it difficult us seeing him how he was and wanted to be left alone. I know that most people would have kept vigil at such a critical time. But after spending the whole day with him the day he died, I began to sit there and wonder if he actually wanted someone to be there 24/7. It was difficult because he couldn't answer me if he wanted to be left alone or for me to sit with him. I guess the not knowing will always torment me if I did the right thing or not. He never complained about what was happening to him and I can't imagine how difficult it would have been for him. It doesn't feel real at all, and I know it hasn't sunk in. I just want to grab his clothes and smell them to feel like he's here still. I keep thinking he will walk through the door but I know deep down he never will. I don't know when or how I will come to terms with this loss and words can't describe how much I will miss him. I wish all the best for every one of you on your journey with this horrid evil cancer. My journey was only short but you did help me along the way.

Jwilson
Posts: 100
Joined: Sun Jun 09, 2013 9:52 am

Re: Scared for my dad

Postby Jwilson » Fri Oct 25, 2013 10:31 am

Helen, so sorry to hear about your dad, you sound just devastated. That feeling of expecting him to walk through the door followed by the realisation that he never will......terrible. I understand that. After my mum died a few years ago I kept thinking oh I must tell mum that, then the jolt....oh no I can't ever tell her anything any more. The suffering is over and by gum there is suffering with this flipping thing. Keep strong....or strong ish
June

Cathy
Posts: 788
Joined: Fri Mar 15, 2013 5:43 pm

Re: Scared for my dad

Postby Cathy » Fri Oct 25, 2013 11:02 am

Hi Helen

Oh I am so so sorry to hear this. Your Dad's journey was so swift I'm not surprised you feel it doesn't feel real.

You did a great deal for your Dad and it would have been very clear to him, and a huge comfort to him, that you loved him dearly so please don't torment yourself by wondering if you did the right thing. You did everything right as far as I can see. And it sounds as if his last few hours were very peaceful.

Sending you lots of virtual strength for the days ahead and virtual hugs

Cathy xx

KATB
Posts: 178
Joined: Thu Mar 28, 2013 10:41 am

Re: Scared for my dad

Postby KATB » Fri Oct 25, 2013 12:15 pm

Oh Helen I am so very sorry to hear this. I lost my own dad on the 12th so I know the pain you are in.

I think you are right about people not wanting everyone to be there at the very end. I was with my dad for the whole of the week before he died but he actually passed away when my brothers and I were downstairs and not in the room with him. I was devastated by this but the district nurse told me that her mother did exactly the same thing and it did make me feel better. I was there as much as I possibly could be and so were you.

Sending you love at this difficult time.

Kate
x

PCUK Nurse Jeni
Posts: 1086
Joined: Mon Jun 14, 2010 1:30 pm

Re: Scared for my dad

Postby PCUK Nurse Jeni » Fri Oct 25, 2013 12:22 pm

Dear Helen,

I am so sorry to hear the news of your dad passing away.
It really is a devastating blow when this happens in such a speedy manner. My thoughts go out to you. I know I speak for the whole support team, and indeed the charity, in sending our sincere condolences.

For both you and Kate, then I understand the story of your loved ones wanting to be alone - sometimes, it seems as though they wait for a moment when there is no one around, and then slip off peacefully. I have both professional and personal experience of this, so I know exactly what you say. People often say a baby will be born when its ready to be born - I guess we can say the same about death - they slip off when they are ready.

Its great that you are all supporting one another as well as you do. Very special.

Kind regards,

Jeni.

jules 2015
Posts: 55
Joined: Mon Sep 23, 2013 10:20 pm

Re: Scared for my dad

Postby jules 2015 » Fri Oct 25, 2013 2:37 pm

Dear Helen

I am so so sorry to hear the news about your dad, I have been reading your posts as your dad's situation sounrd so similar to my dad's. You must be so devastated, this dreadful disease seems to take over so quickly, I'm glad that he didn't suffer any pain.

My thoughts are with you at this sad sad time

Julie x

Thriae
Posts: 29
Joined: Tue Oct 22, 2013 11:48 pm

Re: Scared for my dad

Postby Thriae » Fri Oct 25, 2013 2:59 pm

I read your thread as part of coming to terms with the inevitable death of my dad. I just wanted to offer some personal reassurance that it - as I believe - was almost certainly the way your dad wanted things to be. I, like others here, have experience of the seeming ability that we have to choose( (to a certain extent) when to enter and when to leave this world. I know people who have hung on until after Birthdays or Mother's Day to die as if to make the timing of their death and the manner just that bit more bearable for those they leave behind. Or perhaps, to exert some last choice and control over their life that is about to end.

I believe this even more keenly after the experience of my 3rd child's birth. He was almost 3 weeks overdue, and by the time my parents arrived from nearly 300 miles away - planned to meet their new grandchild by this time - I went into sudden labour about 2 hours after their arrival at our home. It was as if he waited for the moment to be right. If the same is true in life and death, and if you share such beliefs, I hope you can find comfort and peace in yourself that your dad died at the moment that was right for him.

Of course, you have your grieving to do, and nobody would wish to rush that, but I do hope you will not berate yourself for not being there and are able to move from the tears, shock and sadness to a position of happiness and fond memories.

Kind thoughts.

Helen_Catherine
Posts: 12
Joined: Tue Sep 10, 2013 2:01 pm

Re: Scared for my dad

Postby Helen_Catherine » Sat Oct 26, 2013 8:50 am

Thank you so much for your replies. I guess I am kind of looking for reassurance about me not being there when we passed away. And what other people think about it, I hadn't really thought about it until now whether someone did have control over when they actually pass away. But that day I was thinking about how much he was suffering and if he was hanging on until I had gone just so he could pass away quietly. My dad wouldn't have wanted to see me upset hence up until the day he died I never cried in front of him. It's kind of weird in a way how he was asleep for most of the day then after I had nipped to go get a coffee and I came back he was awake. He couldn't speak and he couldn't hardly move but he did mange to move his hand to hold mine. And he had his eyes open and I know he was listening to what I was saying to him. I'm glad I had that time with him and I will hold onto that for comfort.

We are arranging the funeral for my dad who was none religious so we are having a humanist ceremony. He was very adamant he wanted no religion so we will be thinking about a lot of memories we have of him to put in the service. I have wrote a poem for the funeral as a kind of goodbye from me to him but I am worried people might think it is a bit amateur. I am no professional poet so I'm thinking whether to have the one I wrote and be slightly embarrassed or just look for another one that a professional has wrote!

EmmaR
Posts: 197
Joined: Fri Sep 20, 2013 11:06 pm

Re: Scared for my dad

Postby EmmaR » Sat Oct 26, 2013 6:48 pm

Helen so so sorry to read your post me and my family are on the same path that you have just walked just been told no Chemo for my hubby so I dont know how long we have .Please stay strong for your mum and please use your poem it will be your loving goodbye to your Dad and not anyone else's .
EmmaR XX

Jwilson
Posts: 100
Joined: Sun Jun 09, 2013 9:52 am

Re: Scared for my dad

Postby Jwilson » Sat Oct 26, 2013 9:58 pm

Dear Helen


Your father would prefer your words before the words of any literary genius. You knew him better than any one so have the confidence to stand up and tell it how it was. Amateur my foot! Good for you for writing something. I have been half thinking about what I should say when this killer takes my husband. Like your dad Bill is non religious. Ashes scattered in the mountains that he knew so well is what he wants. I don't know if I could carry off actually getting up and speaking. All the best to you if you do it!!! Take a deep breath and go for it.
June x

Bee
Posts: 219
Joined: Fri May 03, 2013 9:39 pm

Re: Scared for my dad

Postby Bee » Sun Oct 27, 2013 7:23 am

Hi Helen,
I am really sorry to hear your dad has passed away, it's sounds like you did everything you could for him all the way through his journey.
As for the poem, what a lovely idea, I am sure it won't be amateur or criticised because it will from the heart. Sy what you feel because the truth can't be wrong!

Take care,

Bee xx

Cathy
Posts: 788
Joined: Fri Mar 15, 2013 5:43 pm

Re: Scared for my dad

Postby Cathy » Sun Oct 27, 2013 6:51 pm

Hi Helen

Please use your poem. Even if you decided not to get up yourself to say it, someone else would, or you could even have it printed as part of the order of ceremony (in fact you could do that even if it was spoken during the ceremony). No-one would think it amateurish, more likely to find it incredibly moving.

Cathy. Xx