A forum for advanced pancreatic cancer issues

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clair2305
Posts: 154
Joined: Thu Aug 13, 2009 1:43 pm

Blue

Postby clair2305 » Sun Oct 17, 2010 10:11 am

Dear All

I am just writing this to let you know that Blue lost his battle with this horrible disease just after 3am on Friday morning. He had been in hospital for 10 days, had fluid drained from his right lung and had a procedure to stick the lung to the chet wall (so fluid would not build up again).

We knew that he was getting worse and the doctors wanted to get him home.

He came home on Wednesday and spent time with our parents and his son.

It was very peaceful and he was not in any pain. He was also conscious up to a minute or so beforehand and we spoke.

I am truly devestated, don't know what to do....have never arranged a funeral before and am trying to keep everyone involved but not really getting any input....my saving grace being Blue's dad.

Our doctor was brilliant, she came and saw Blue on Thursday and came out on the Friday morning too. SHe'd given me her mobile number when Blue was diagnosed and I thought I wouldn't need it.....she even nearly put cider in my tea on Friday morning!

She said to me that she knows that I am good at organising as Blue had let me organise all his medical appointments and everything else and that this is the one thing I have to organise for him.....but it's the one time I don't want to use my organisational skills

My heart is hurting, I feel physical pain like never before.

deb68
Posts: 34
Joined: Sat Apr 17, 2010 4:58 pm

Re: Blue

Postby deb68 » Sun Oct 17, 2010 1:23 pm

Dear Clair

I don't get on here that much since Gemma's death but just happened to log on and found your message. I am so terribly sorry to read about Blue - you were one of my inspirations when I found this site and your strength, resilience and devotion to Blue really came through. Of course there is nothing I can say but please know that all my love and thoughts are with you and your family.

With much love

Debbie.xx

Ellie
Posts: 302
Joined: Thu Sep 04, 2008 11:03 pm

Re: Blue

Postby Ellie » Sun Oct 17, 2010 4:57 pm

Oh Clair, I am so terribly, terribly sorry to hear the awful news. I knew things hadn't been good for Blue recently, but didn't realise they were that bad. I am in tears writing this, as I felt we had a connection with both our husbands going through similar experiences. I can only begin to imagine how you are feeling right now. You both fought so long and hard but also shared some adventures and good times along the way too, as Brian and I have done. I am so relieved, for your sake, that the end was peaceful and you were there with him and could talk to him.

Nothing I can say will make it any easier but you know I am here, as others are, if you need anyone. All I will say is that you should be proud of how you fought for Blue, helped him, supported him and did everything possible for him and I hope the only tiny consolation is that he is no longer suffering. I wish you the strength to get through all the arrangements you have to make and hope you will take good care of yourself too.

Sending you my sincerest condolences, love and hugs and you will be in my thoughts.

Lots of love
Ellie
xxxxx

Nardobd
Posts: 479
Joined: Sat Feb 14, 2009 6:25 pm

Re: Blue

Postby Nardobd » Sun Oct 17, 2010 6:06 pm

Clair I'm so, so sorry. Like Ellie, I'm crying as I write this. You're in my thoughts and prayers but I know there's nothing I can do to take away that desperation and pain you are feeling right now. You n Blue were obviously so much in love and it's obvious that you were a tower of strength to him in so many different ways. I know this last task will be the most unpalatable of them all but I'm sure you'll manage it with your usual efficiency and thoroughness.

Look after yourself and don't forget that we're all still here to support you if you need us. My heart goes out to you.

Love
Nicki xx

pamela
Posts: 27
Joined: Sun Aug 08, 2010 9:52 am

Re: Blue

Postby pamela » Sun Oct 17, 2010 9:33 pm

Clair,

I am so sorry to hear about Blue. I have been following your posts for a long time. My thoughts and prayers go out to you.
pamx

pauline
Posts: 48
Joined: Mon May 25, 2009 3:24 pm

Re: Blue

Postby pauline » Tue Oct 19, 2010 12:00 am

Dearest Clair ,

I am so so sorry to hear the news about Blue you are in my thoughts and prayers

love hugs and kisses
Pauline xxx

clair2305
Posts: 154
Joined: Thu Aug 13, 2009 1:43 pm

Re: Blue

Postby clair2305 » Tue Oct 19, 2010 7:20 am

Blue's funeral is next Tuesday at 2.30pm

I've asked if people wish to make donations that they are to the research work his Professor and David Tuveson are undertaking into pancreatic cancer. If people wish to make a donation to PCUK in Blue's name then that it great too.

It's hard picking music for the service (5 pieces), I've got 3 but am finding it hard to get a slow piece for entrance to the church and to the crematorium. I want Your Song, by The Streets (not the Elton version), this was the song we had at our wedding, but I think people are trying to sway me from it, saying it will always make me sad when I hear it, but to be honest it will make me sad anyway.....

Oh what to do......

Ellie
Posts: 302
Joined: Thu Sep 04, 2008 11:03 pm

Re: Blue

Postby Ellie » Tue Oct 19, 2010 3:41 pm

Hi Clair

I'm sure things can't be easy for you right now. So much to do and so many thoughts going through your head.

Just wanted to send you love and hugs and say I am thinking about you.

Love
Ellie
xx

lynbo
Posts: 269
Joined: Sat Aug 28, 2010 6:23 pm

Re: Blue, and the song

Postby lynbo » Tue Oct 19, 2010 9:44 pm

Clair,
After I lost my husband you were the first person I emailed a post to on here, as I wanted to help you when Blue was constipated, since then I have followed your posts.
You have done the best job in the world, and I know Blue is so proud of you.
As for the funeral, I too wanted a familiar song, Coldplay - The scientist. Our wedding song, in the end I chose not too, as I thought I would never view our wedding DVD the same.
I chose Oasis - Stop Crying your heart out, instead.
Everyone is different, and I know you will do what is best for you.
I am so so sorry for your loss, my love and thoughts are with you

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

millyjo
Posts: 74
Joined: Mon Aug 03, 2009 4:29 pm

Re: Blue

Postby millyjo » Fri Oct 22, 2010 8:01 am

Dear Clair,

So sorry to here the sad news about blue.
I have been following his battle with this terrible disease, you have both been inspirational.
God bless you.
Try and look after yourself.
My thoughts are with you.
Kind regards
Millyjo x

Juliana
Posts: 178
Joined: Thu Sep 25, 2008 1:36 pm

Re: Blue

Postby Juliana » Sun Oct 24, 2010 12:13 am

Clair, I struggle finding the words here as I've watched the two of you fight this sh*tty disease admirably....and your love for your husband radiates through your posts full of thoughts, struggles and emotions. I just wish nature had cut you two a break and that Blue would be one of the lucky ones.

I do find it particularly difficult posting, and have done for a while - mostly because each time I log in I read of a new diagnosis or a battle lost.....and see my life reflected back at me, cowardly I know - but even now, when I am feeling at my worst I still catch myself wasting precious time as if it really isn't happening.

I am so sorry Blue has gone, leaving this earth and your loved ones isn't easy, knowing your going is like a torture - and for those who are left behind...? Let's hope some new beginnings grow from a wise and enriched life, full of good memories and great empathy.

Thinking of you,
Juliana x