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Steve is Nearing the End of his Fight


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Hi all,

I haven't posted for a while because, as some of you know, events take over, and you just don't get the time to sit and "dump". Steve was in hospital a couple of weeks ago with the neutropenic sepsis, which he got over, then we had another appointment with the consultant scheduled for Monday 5th to re-assess his ability to cope with another round of Folfifinox. which they agreed would start Tuesday but at a reduced dose. They took a blood test just to check he was Ok. We turned up on Tuesdy morning and the blood results weren't done correctly so we had to wait for more to be done. By the time they checked there wasn't enough time during the day to fit in the whole regime, so told to return Wednesday. On both Monday and Tuesday afternoons we had the hospital visits then went Christmas shopping for an hour. During both nights he was awake with the famous "breakthrough pain" which the OxyNorm didn't touch. On Wednesdy morning Steve was running a temperature and vomiting. The oncology nurses said to get the GP to get an ambulance to bring him straight to the ward.

It turns out he has a massive internal bleed - it could be the stent or just the tumor taking hold and doing its worst. By Friday, after endoscopy, CT scan and X-rays, they reached the conclusion that he was now at the point when palliative care only would be the right course of action. He also has markers for a bad chest infection so is on heavy duty anti biotics. In the last 10 days he has had 10 blood transfusions, numerous iv fluids, and is on massive doses of OxyNorm/Levomeprozamine, and Ketorolac for the pain, in syringe drivers. They told us last Friday night that the next 24 hours would be critical, so we spent the weekend camped out at the hospital in a lovely relatives' room. He somehow pulled through, after a couple of days of agony till they got the pain meds at the right strength, and is now spending most of the time asleep, and in his own drug induced world. The boys say he's now on planet dad where he knows what he means, but we have no idea.

We have had such a roller coaster of emotions flooding through us. At first we just didn't want to see him in terrible pain and wanted it to be over. Then he was settled and we thought he looked like he was hanging on, and we weren't sure how we felt. Now he is calm and mostly sleeping we just want him to sleep peacefully and not wake up.

Doesn't there just reach a time when everyone feels they have had enough suffering? The once strong intelligent and healthy person you knew has been transformed into a semi vegatitive being, who needs everything doing for them, and they have no control over their own body. My once incredibly proud husband doesn't even raise an eyebrow when he needs tidying up after his bodily functions have a mind of their own. He would have been mortified at the thought of this happening to him.

I see that there are other new contributors on this forum and my heart goes out to you - this is truly a cruel cruel cancer. To the regulars who are kind enough to give words of wisdom after their loved ones have gone, and those going through what I am, I send big hugs and sympathies. Before Steve reached this stage I read posts and couldn't imagine what you were going through - now I can.

Now I've vented, I'm just off to phone the ward to check on Steve.

Love, Diane xxxxx

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Oh Diane,

I'm so sorry things are looking so bleak for Steve. I am going through the same thing.at the moment with my mum, its so difficult.

Take care louie xxxx

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Hi Diane,

Im very sorry to hear about Steve. As you say it is such a cruel disease. I dread when it catches up with my dad. Your both in my thoughts and prayers.

Take Care..Rachel x

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To Diane,

And Louie, and all of you that are in this terrible position. It's been 7 weeks since I lost my dad and I find myself checking on the website almost daily to see how people are doing. It must be the time of year. I remember so clearly the wanting it to end but never wanting it to end.

I'm so sorry to hear how poorly Steve is Diane. There's nothing I can think of to say that will help at all or that even feels remotely helpful.

By heart goes out to you and your sons. Thinking of you lots and wishing you love, strength and courage.


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Hi Diane

Read your post and was filling up, I KNOW what your going through, you are being a tower of strength though, my thoughts, prayers & love go out to you,

I'll be thinking of you & Steve


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