Losing my mum 💜

[May888]

Some people may have followed my story on here In the “advanced pancreatic cancer” forum few months ago. 
 

Just a little background, my mum was diagnosed with PC which had spread to liver and stomach end of March. Was due to start chemo, with delays from the hospital communicating blood test results, things deteriorated rapidly with my mum. 27th June she passed away. I was with her when she passed away in hospital. When I called for the rest of family to get to the hospital, sadly they didn’t make it in time, but I was glad I was with my mum until the end and she wasn’t alone.

 

fast forward 14 weeks, and today was suppose to be my mums 74th birthday. I miss her terribly. She’s left an unimaginable void in my life, and feel I can’t get past this grief. Everyday since my mum passed away, I’ve shed a tear. I know people say talk to friends and families, but I feel such a burden that I don’t talk to anyone about my feelings. 
 

I thought I would be ok after a month or so, but it’s been over 3 months and the pain of losing my mum hurts so much. I cry myself to sleep sometimes watching videos of my mum. We were so close, we would speak 2 or more times a day, now it’s just silence. My dad doesn’t show his emotions or feelings and it’s difficult to talk to him. He saw me upset and crying once, and he “mums gone now, don’t be sad”. 

 

when my friends asks me if I’m ok, I just tell them I have my good and bad days and that I’m ok, but really I’m not coping. I’m reluctant to go to my GP, as the nhs are so understaffed and I don’t want to be a burden and waste their time, when someone needs it more than me. 
 

part of me cannot accept and get my head around how quick from my mum wing diagnosed to when she passed away. She didn’t even chance to start chemo. Part of me is glad she didn’t start chemo because I know it would exhausted her, and at the end of the day the end results will be the same, just chemo might buy a little more time. 
 

I know everyone copes with grief in different ways, but I feel at such a loss, and want to be with my mum so bad. 
 

sounds so stupid, but sometimes I say out loud to my mum hoping she can hear me, that I wish I was ill too so I could be with her. 

[Mumshelper]

I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this. I only lost my mum 3 weeks ago. I’m 29, she was only 62. 
 

She was my everything. We lived together, I was her main carer. What she went through I went through with her. The end came quickly and unexpectedly, it seemed to creep up so aggressively. Life is very empty and dull without her. Everybody’s grief is different and everybody deals with it differently. 
 

Sometimes I think my life has lost purpose now that she is no longer here but there is every purpose, you just have to find it. I know you might not be in the right mind set right now but try and focus on the things you can do. Could you take up a new hobby or start new classes? It would be a way to meet new people, keep yourself busy and your mind active. Search online for grief counselling. I’m sure PCUK offer it too. You have every right to feel the way you are feeling and speaking about it will help.
 

When we organised my mum’s funeral, the funeral director told me my mum will be forever young, she will never be old and wrinkly. It made me smile and I think about it daily. There is no time frame on how long we grieve and it really is the price we pay for love.  You were lovely to have that wonderful connection with your mum, as was I. Some people don’t have it at all. I hope you find some sort of comfort in these words, you are not alone

[Floofmom]

I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling with your grief.  My mum died last week and I am coping ok....at the moment.  I think it will hit me in strange ways in the coming months.  I did a Grief Counselling course through work, run by CRUSE and they told us that it is different for everyone.  It takes us time to come to terms with and there is no set period of time where we suddenly find we are ok.  It takes as long as it takes.  It does sound that you are feeling like you want to talk to someone about it and if you feel ready to do that then it may really help you.  I think CRUSE have a helpline and they would be a good option but there are others out there.  Also, if you are having suicidal thoughts please do talk to someone, anyone.  I am not implying that you are suicidal, I just know that grief affects people in different ways and sometimes we need to reach out.  Your GP may be busy but they should make time for you, you are as important as anyone else and they may be able to offer free counselling.  Don't feel embarrassed or worried about reaching out, this is exactly what the helplines are for.  Sending you a big hug xx

[May888]

Hi Mumshelper, I’m sorry to hear the loss of your mum. Thanks for your kind message.

 

I feel I’m stuck at the moment with grief. I feel I’ve lost a lot of confidence, as I haven’t been back to work since May. I lost that routine and seeing people. Plus I’ve decided to quit my job in London and move in with my dad, who lives in the west.midlands. My dad wouldn’t cope on his own, so I’ll be with him. Then I guess it start looking for a job. The motivation has gone in me, 

 

I know people say time is a great healer, and that there is no time frame and that we never stop grieving, we cope to live with it, but it’s very difficult to think like that for me at the moment. 
 

I would be telling someone in my situation that grieving for a loved one is normal, and that there is no time frame when to stop, talk to friends and family, or GP, your loved ones are always with you, support is out there etc. I’m the one that gives the advice, but I never listen to my own advice. For me I find it hard to reach out and talk to family and friends about my feelings. I always bottle things up. I know I shouldn’t but I’ve always been like this. Over the years I’ve kept things bottle up and no one really knows how I’m feeling. Part of me keep things bottled up is because I don’t want the other person to worry and I feel a burden on them. Maybe it’s because I find forums like this helps abit.

 

 

[May888]

hi floofman, I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. I briefly followed your story on here. 
 

as I mentioned in my response to Mumshelper, it is difficult. 
 

someone did also mentioned about cruse bereavement help. I’m stubborn in asking for help, and a little embarrassed as I’ve always felt I’ve been strong and I put on a front that everyone thinks I’m ok, but also I tell people I’m ok, when really I’m not. 
 

I know life has to carry on and we never stop grieving, but it’s proving hard at the moment.

 

I feel I don’t want to reveal too much of my feelings and emotions on here, as I know there are probably thousands of people feeling the same way as I am, and I fear of upsetting people. 

sending hugs to you and everyone who knows someone going through PC

[Skippy]

I am so sad at the loss of your mother and your grieving process. I lost my Dad, my best friend I was 40 but so dependant on him for all his love and enduring support. I thought I'd never be able to live without him. I counted days at first - then the weeks, thinking ' I've got this far' I'm doing okay?. Thinking how have I made it so long without him ? Each person has to cope with grief in their own personal way. I don't think I heard myself laugh until 12 months after my dads funeral. it was a shock to hear myself laugh again. Don't blame yourself for taking longer than what 'anyone else thinks is timely'. There is no pain like it.  What I know is by me processing beyond my anger, the guilt wish id had said this, spent more precious minutes, and that huge black empty space he left-' i turned to the 'exchange of circumstances' thoughts. -what would I have wanted for him? had I died first? I'd have wanted HIM to live life and to cherish the times we had, how lucky we were,  but more important I'd not have wanted him crying,  and giving up on living. He's been gone 35 years and his loss can be as raw as day 1. (Like today his birthday)  if I let it. But I know I can cope by doing him proud, and ive to get up and on with life. I'd have wanted that for him. As I know he would want it for me. There's no easy way through loss and grief. 

[Sonia1]

Mav888 - I lost my beautiful dad to PC in August and it’s safe to say I feel just as awful today as I did the day it happened. 

 

Every word you have written resonates so deeply with me and how I feel it’s unreal.
 

I really wish there was something I could say to make you feel better  

 

I just hope and pray that eventually one day the grief becomes a little more bearable for all those who are suffering x

 

 

[Erin0110]

I'm really sorry to hear that. I send you all support that I have.