My love 💔

[LisaC]

At work today a nurse who left a few months ago came back for a bank shift she came in the break room while I was having my breakfast. She asked me if the funeral had happened yet, I was totally flabbergasted like thinking do you really think I would be at work right now if it hadn’t happened, the sisters had been asked by occupational health to talk to everyone to not ask me questions, obviously as she left it was not passed on to her, it really hit me and it’s just been on my mind all shift I let the sister know I said I couldn’t manage to go to the funeral so it was a really hard question to have put to me, luckily the dr came in and was just chatting so the subject changed but it really affected me and I cried on the way home.

It’s just shit I’m so miserable work and my family are the only distraction from this awful life.

[CJG4CJG]

I just can’t comprehend work, caring for others and going back to the place where I was before this happened, would feel weird, scary, like nothing has changed but everything has changed. I really feel for you honey, my only reason now for existing is our children. Some days are lighter but I still wake every morning with this aching hurt. Feel like I’m a walking breathing empty person, you get me?

[LisaC]

Yes I’m always thinking why am I here I’m not anything to anyone I’m all alone no one would notice if I was not here their lives would carry on like nothing changed.

[CJG4CJG]

Yer but even with kids I still feel like that, because without him I’m a no one. Not a wife, not the person I was before, not bothered about the future or if there even is one. It’s just rubbish darling.... keep riding the rollercoaster.... hoping it will one day hurt a little less.

Thinking of you. X

[CJG4CJG]

Ahhhhhhhh I want life to go back 6 months and him still be here. It just doesn’t seem real, yet it does at the same time. Miss him.

[LisaC]

Sorry I didn’t reply, I was at work and then I done that thing where you mentally reply in your head but don’t actually reply.

It sucks moving into another month and they are not here, I feel like I’m on auto pilot just getting through each day to get to the next for reasons I don’t know.

I’m working this Easter weekend which is ok will give me something to do and spend time with people rather than be alone. I will go to tescos and hopefully get myself a Lindt chocolate egg that Lewis would of got me.

Hope your ok d

[CJG4CJG]

Ahh my children got Lindt chocolate eggs as that is their favourite too. The children went to their big grandmas (kids mum) yesterday, but it blew me up emotionally. Atleast that is done. Feel rubbish but trying to lay off the booze abit. My covid jab as made my armpit hurt - swollen glands I think. Have you had both of yours? Now going for a bike ride x

[LisaC]

Yes I’ve had both of mine now, sore arm both times, the second one my arm had a red warm hard bit for a few days and I had a good sleep after it too.

Sadly there were no chocolate eggs when I went to tescos they had all gone and summer bbq garden stuff in their place, one of the sisters did give me a cream egg yesterday though so not all bad.

Lewis mum sent me a message saying I’m welcome over for lunch in the garden today but I’m working and I probably wouldn’t of gone anyway apparently she knows how I feel. I want to scream at her that she doesn’t know, it’s like me saying I know how you feel and likening it to the loss of a pregnancy. But whatever I just don’t reply pretend I’m busy at work.

[CJG4CJG]

I’ve now blocked them all- kids family. It’s complete narcissism, the only contact when it’s a birthday or Easter etc. Absolutely no help or support offered grieving him they have abandoned us and continued to play mind games. I know it’s strong but I have got the point where I actually hate them! How’s work going? Do you like it being back? X

[LisaC]

Work is ok, it’s like I’m fine at work and go to shit at home but whatever. I had my own ITU patient today so it’s nice to be alone as when your working with someone else for one patient you can get abit lazy.

Lewis brother sent pictures of his grave to us all on the family WhatsApp saying ‘Lewis says happy Easter’ like wtf? I deleted the pictures I don’t want to see it, it really triggered me and I cried a few times, I sent a message saying I really can’t handle seeing the pictures if you want to do that it’s fine but I will leave the WhatsApp then, his mum and the brother has read it but no replies.

I feel like I’m crazy and over reacting but talking to the way people on zoom (the wocs have a regular Sunday chat) say I’m not, his brother put up loads of videos and pictures of the funeral on his Facebook on the day I hated that but I didn’t say anything.

[CJG4CJG]

Yer I find putting it on social media personally, very distasteful but that’s just me. Kids brother wanted to video the funeral I was like no! Kid wouldn’t have wanted that and tbh I wouldn’t want that for myself either. Who was their was their and its a precious memory. Everybody is different though as hard as it is. I’ve been really heavy the last few weeks, difficulty shaking the pain and the empty. I hate it when people don’t reply, it’s so rude. Especially from ‘family’ you would expect to be more understanding and empathetic. But clearly as we have discussed some people have an inability to see further than the end of their own nose! Sending love x

[LisaC]

I ended leaving the WhatsApp group as they all read the message and didn’t respond for hours not even a ‘sorry you feel that way’ so I left and the next day his mum messaged me saying she didn’t realise how I felt about the grave. They want me to come back ect. They were gobsmacked at my reaction apparently and they all find comfort in the grave blah blah blah. She said everyone misses him especially Ross (his brother) that made me abit irked like I felt like she invalidated my grief like no one can miss him more than they can. She said I don’t reply to messages, when I looked back I do but not always straight away sometimes I need to think or I just don’t have the energy. Basically I will just send an emoji or something if I can’t manage a reply at that time.

I seem to be so tired these days I feel like I’m could sleep all day, I have my first long day tomorrow 7-20:30. Work is like an escape right now even though I’m cream crackered after.

I’ve signed up for my first local WAY meet-up too in may a pub meal

Hope your well.

[CJG4CJG]

I haven’t done anything with the way group, probably would find comfort in it but don’t have the energy. I’ve been feeling really really low this Easter half term. Weather shite. No routine. Kids family non existent and don’t care about me.

It’s nice that they have asked you to come back to the WhatsApp. People just don’t grasp that you lived with them, shared the most intimate of things physically and mentally, were each other’s everything. Yes he has a mother and brother and I’m sure they are grieving but the impact and loss is no where near the same. Isn’t it just the gift that keeps on giving. X

[LisaC]

Yes Easter sucked. Christmas was just a week after he died and I was still in shock I think I did not really take in the ‘holiday feeling’ so this Easter it was just so rubbish I worked the Saturday/Sunday but the Friday and Monday were just so sad I had no energy to do anything.

I do enjoy the WAY groups I go to a lot of zooms I’m doing a virtual beer tasting this weekend with some people and I have a cocktail making class with them at the end of the month. It is nice to talk to people who actually understand and also make me feel like I’m not the one who is being unreasonable.

[CJG4CJG]

I met kid when I was young. He was my first everything and only boyfriend. He used to make me laugh, and was just so so strong and kind. Max our son has got his sense of humour and his smile. I’ve been really low lately, have upped my antidepressants again and today as been the only day on the last few weeks I haven’t thought..... I wish I was dead. It still feels like a nightmare I’ll wake up from, this happens to other people not to kid, to me, Isla and max. His stuff is hear where he left it, the world keeps turning it’s like he is on holiday and will come back.

Wish he would! I know my heart has gone with him.

[LisaC]

Yes I tidied up Lewis’ gaming room (basically second bedroom with the computer and consoles set up in) I put some of his clothes in his suitcase. Some t shirts I was like they don’t fit him anymore so I thought I should throw them, but I put them in my pj drawer. But it’s funny none of his clothes will fit him anymore, I don’t know what my thinking is.

I seem to be getting lower in mood in my days at home. I’m going to a friends for lunch tomorrow and a walk. I hope I don’t cry I’ve already cried twice at work today. I’ve had enough of this life, I want to get off the bus.

[CJG4CJG]

I want off the bus too.... let’s piss off to the country together?! As long as there is beer on tap I’m in!

Still not moved a thing! Don’t want to. First visit to the pub today though, which was nice.

Not sure still if I can go back to nursing.

[LisaC]

I’ve moved things but not got rid of anything.

It must of been cold at the pub my car had frost on it this morning. But being true British spirit the cold can’t stop us! I saw pictures in the news of people sitting outside eating in the snow that’s dedication.

You would think I would find nursing triggering after everything, the sound of the monitor alarms, pump alarms, medications, but it’s when I go to the atrium to the shop that makes me heart race.

[CJG4CJG]

What hospital do you work at? I am at the (Hospital name removed - moderator). Doctor has signed me off for another 2 months. I just don’t know what I want to do with myself. On one hand it would be a shame to give it up, I trained hard for it and I like helping people but on the other, I’m too heavy in grief and already carrying myself and the children not sure I have enough to give anyone else! That make sense?

Walking certainly helps my mind. Took my mum on a walk today, she was exhausted! Finishing my day on 41894 steps. I’ve even got the dog to sleep! And she is a collie- full of energy!

Still taking the antidepressants (sertraline) and my sleeping tablet (sominex). I think you are absolutely incredible! I didn’t know Lewis, but I’m sure he would be super proud of you!!!!!!

[LisaC]

I work in (Hospital name removed - moderator). I wanted to do my training in Norwich but I had a not very nice boyfriend at the time and he said if I went there he would go there too. I wanted to go to get away from him, I did manage eventually. All my childhood holiday were up Norfolk/Suffolk way my Nan had a caravan in Lowestoft.

I worked so hard to get into nursing and where I am and I love where I’m working I didn’t want to give it up, I was assaulted by a patient a few years ago it was really hard to come back to feeling like I wanted to be a nurse and for a while I felt like it was just a job and I just done what I could to get through the day. Where I work is more rewarding now so I makes it easier. Understand that you feel like you’ve given everything for you and your family to get through the day and to think of giving even more for other people who essentially mean nothing to you (I don’t mean nothing like not worth anything but not a personal connection).

I’m not on any anti depressants sometimes I feel really down and it’s hard to shake I know they might help but the dr said the effects starting are sometimes worse and she didn’t want to start them, but this was the time around the funeral this scared me so I’m not sure if I should or not.

I went to my friends for lunch today I mentioned that I had a Nintendo switch that I was going to sell as I don’t use it and i got it for Lewis for his chemo appointments, her son had wanted to buy one so he is buying it off me, it worked out well saved him a few pennies and got me some extra. My friend and her dog had a little walk around the block, buddy the beagle is so lazy he’s so funny him sitting there watching us eat like he had not been fed for a year!

I feel like I’m just going through the motions every day not sure why and what for. I hope he’s proud he has not come to get me so I guess I’m stuck here.

[CJG4CJG]

I love that.... he’s not come to get me! Has given me food for thought. The children have been coping amazingly, so proud of them, they are so much like their daddy. I have found the antidepressants help no end, don’t know if I would be here without them. Feel scared and lonely and sad, so sad that his life was stolen so quickly, abruptly and too soon .... still semi feels like he has gone on holiday! I will need to do something for work, but I just don’t know what or when yet. For now, I’m thinking of breeding stellar. Kid had been researching breeding with her, it was always our plan, and she is 3 now so a good age to have a litter... welcome a few little lives into the worldx

[LisaC]

I don’t know what else I could do for work, I like baking and cake decorating, it’s my nephews birthday next week and he’s asked me to make him a Ron Weasley inspired birthday cake. I’ve got a printed picture of a Lego Ron weasley and I’m decorating the sides of the cake with icing in all the house colours, not much green for slytherin though. So I waffle on I could do that for a living but I’m still at half decent amateur decorator. But the cakes taste good and that’s all that matters.

What kind of dog is it you have? Lewis loved dogs he always wanted a staffie, he grew up with golden retrievers. I always wanted a cat, hopefully when I own my own place I will be able to get myself a cat, I know cats our quite independent and would be ok with me not being home all day.

[CJG4CJG]

Hey love. Sorry it’s been a while, a lot been going off here! My dog is a border collie. She is beautiful. In season next month

Ahh cake sounds yummy. I’m not a good baker unfortunately. Still walking and doing up the house- distraction techniques.

Did my husband headstone yesterday, which was hard. His mum sent me an email saying I barely knew him, have messed up our children, didn’t look after him at all and I should never sleep with the guilt I must feel! Stone hearted witch! Thank goodness for good friends, neighbours, parents and my family! X

[LisaC]

Wow she’s sounds a gem!

I can’t believe that she’s thinks this is acceptable behaviour, was she always like this or just since he died? Totally toxic.

I’ve made the cake, the sides look great I might take the top off and re do it, it’s not my best effort.

I went to the zoo for an impromptu visit as they had tickets available now the kids are back at school, saw the plaque for my adoption of the otter which was nice, done a little photography as well.

The name of the otter is Tevy which means angel apparently Lewis mum was like it’s a sign he’s an angel I know it, she thinks he’s everything, a robin, a feather, he’s in heaven I don’t know if I believe in it all not heaven anyway. To me the otters name sounded like TV which Lewis loved that’s what was going through my mind. I got myself a gold card too so I can go when ever I like, I’m lacking in enthusiasm for exercise, I used to go to the gym and classes but I have not done anything for months, I managed almost 9k around the zoo yesterday.

[CJG4CJG]

Ahh that’s so lovely that you got to go to the zoo and see your otter. Lovely day out! I took Isla with a friend to Milton Keynes shopping yesterday, followed by a big spree in IKEA. Kid would have hated that, he’d be like... you shop, I’ll go to the pub, pick me up when your finished

6 months today! Not crying or messy just feel meh. Staying in bed for a while having a chill then going to go for a long walk with stellar. Miss him. Just isn’t real. X