My love 💔

[LisaC]

Yes I find the evenings a struggle, I have been doing more zooms in the evenings just to occupy myself.

I went to my mum and dads today for Sunday lunch, my sisters dog was there so had a little dog therapy and then walked the dog back to my sisters, luckily the dog did not poo, I fear picking up dog poo, crazy really when you consider the job info.

I made a photo album for my sister in law for her birthday of pictures of Lewis with the kids or pictures he’s taken. I got myself a nice picture frame and put a picture up in the lounge area, Its nice to have it so I will go back to b&m and get a couple more nice frames and pick one for his mum to give her a nice picture in a frame when I see her on Tuesday. I’m going to give her the cuff links he wore to her wedding and his birth certificate. Maybe a aftershave. It’s not much but I hope she will like it. I don’t really know what to give her.

[CJG4CJG]

I think all of the above sounds lovely. Seems you have a good relationship with them all which is so nice. Going for a long long walk today in the hope it will tire me out tonight as despite taking the sominex I have started to wake at 3,5,6,7 again.... and so it starts the replaying and the missing him. I have just sorted the finances so chilling with that side now and working on me for a while. Need to get a filing cabinet as I have paperwork everywhere. Not started my picture collage either, haven’t been able to face it. But on a more positive note, the children seem to be functioning well so I must be doing something right! Who knows. Hope you have a good day. Xx

[LisaC]

My sleep has been an issue the past few nights too, took the sominex last couple of nights I’m up way past 2am. I’m sure it’s the anxiety of returning to work. I have a phone call with a well being/counselling service from the hospital tomorrow.

Arranged to meet his mum tomorrow as the weather is rubbish today.

I spent most of yesterday on his pc going through his files, photos, videos of him on the guitar, I uploaded them to Facebook and his family loved it. I’ve still got loads left to go in it takes ages!

I also received some memorial jewellery today with some of his hair as an inclusion. There’s not much hair in it that you can see to look but if you look close you can see it which is how I wanted it so I can wear it anytime and not have people looking at it thinking what’s that big brown blob in the middle.

Hope you are doing ok

[CJG4CJG]

That’s nice, the jewellery, and personal to you and him. Lovely. I put kids cowboy hat on the wall about our family sandwich picture. Generally trying so so hard to live in the now as thinking further than that makes me anxious and the thought of never seeing him again I can’t comprehend, maybe it’s an element of denial for preservation I dunno.... don’t move anything, think about him, talk about him, get through each day.... it’s like he has just gone away on a trip. Wish it was that way. My mum coming over to keep me company tonight, I’m ok just meh! Had to fill out the census thing this evening that came in the post #wrank- how many people in the house hold? Are you single, married, divorced, widowed and a wreck (tick)

I take the sominex every night. Otherwise I’m anxious and wake. The miserable weather makes you feel gloomy too right. Xx

[CJG4CJG]

I’ve signed off work for another month. Not ready. Not got the patients to care for others atm especially in the acute environment.

[LisaC]

It’s the first census I’ve ever had to do, I was a student living at home for the last one.

I can’t talk about him either, like typing I cry but I can do it, but speaking I just cry and generally make no sense.

You will know when your ready to return to work if you want to, for me it’s just to see people as I find seeing different people help and hopefully will help me sleep better.

[CJG4CJG]

Hello love

Spent the morning in bed as had a bad night, lots of thoughts, missing my hubby. But got my arse up and my work friends surprised me with a lovely walk and chat. My first census too, kid must have completed it last time. Erg.... did it, just sucked.

How has your day been?

[LisaC]

It has been an emotional couple of days. I had a phone call with a psychologist through some mental health service for staff which was hard and then an occupational health call today. She is going to recommend that my shifts be reduced in the phased return and no nights for a while. No redeployment unless there are no patients in the unit then there’s no choice. Also to have weekly one to ones with my manager and she is going to help me get counselling through the hospital and if I need more than the allocated 6 sessions they can override so I can have more as I don’t know how long the wait list is for bereavement counselling through the hospice.

It was good to meet up with his mum yesterday, she was appreciative of the few little things I gave her and understanding that it will take me time to be able to part with things. I got her a little Mother’s Day present too which she said she was dreading Mother’s Day without Lewis this year.

It’s just a funny time and I don’t really know what I’m doing I just feel like I’m going through the motions every day.

[CJG4CJG]

That is so lovely that your workplace have been so flexible with you. I have pretty much decided I’m not going back, I think, - I can’t return to work at that hospital even though he was only there a short time then at home, it’s too traumatic. However, I guess I don’t really have to decide yet what’s the worst that can happen... they sack me! Don’t care. So nice that you have a good relationship with his mum. Yer going through the motions, I get it. When is your first day? X

[LisaC]

My first day back is Wednesday and then next is Sunday shift, occupational health have said for two 5 hour shifts first week, I’m currently on 2 7.5hr shifts.

I don’t think they can sack you, the occupational health lady was so understanding with me and said it’s a sudden death and Lewis had longer than your husband. She was surprised that I was coming back but I said I’m all alone so I want to come back to see people and do something, as I’m bored sometimes. Anything to take my mind off what I think about sitting at home all day.

Are you in a union? Just thinking out loud if your work start being a pain.

[CJG4CJG]

Yes I am with RCN. I’m sure it will be fine. My children just came in with cards made at school and presents and tea and toast. So cute.

My sons card, he has drawn a can of kronenbourg 1664 and put “you and dad having a beer” - I wonder what his teacher thought lols.

[LisaC]

Aww how lovely, I love little kids drawings.

It’s my sister in law’s birthday today I took round her present of the photo album and she loved it, I’m glad it took me ages!

My mother in law also liked her little presents too, she said she was upset because Lewis was not here and she could not have one of his hugs.

Hopefully the rest of your day is good and you have a nice rest.

[CJG4CJG]

Spent the da today walking and walking. With stellar my collie and a friend. Found myself daydreaming and thinking of kid a lot, or passing places we have been together. Do you do that? Took the kids to the dentist- freaked me out abit the clinicalness, but lucky neither children needed any work. Bolognese for tea and early to bed.

Hope your day has been okay? Xx

[LisaC]

I haven’t really been anywhere other than my parents and tescos since.

I’ve just been getting bits ready for work in Wednesday, I bought a new bag so transferring all the bits into there. Done abit of diamond painting, it’s almost finished hopefully get it finished tomorrow. Nervous about going back but the phone call with occupational health on Friday and the report she sent to me today has helped me feel slightly less anxious as she does not expect much from me to begin with so I don’t feel as much pressure.

Pasta for dinner tonight, will go shopping tomorrow.

[CJG4CJG]

Good luck for tomorrow lovely, let me know how it goes. Will be thinking of you.

I put an application in for a community nurse post and got an interview, but now I’m anxious and dreading it! Just not sure about anything. Maybe it’s too soon? Or maybe I just need to throw myself back in and get on with it? I dunno. Feeling abit down this week, lethargic and miserable. My councillor said it’s my last one next week. How are you getting on with yours?

[LisaC]

It’s been ok, I’ve not done much really just being here and sorting little things out. I’m really tired though, it took a while to get to sleep last night because of anxiety about today, and then I almost left home without brushing my teeth.

Community nursing sounds good, I done a placement with the district nurses when I was a student and loved it. You can only go for the interview and see what happens.

The counsellor from the hospice rang me yesterday to see how I was and she said she will leave me to it as I sounded ok and explained I have support arranged at the hospital and I am on the waiting list for bereavement counselling with the hospice but she has given me their number so I can call them if I need prior to my turn on the waiting list.

[CJG4CJG]

Total panic last night and withdrew my application, not sure if it’s the right thing or not but I just don’t feel ready. I dunno, in a hole this feel.

Anyway, early message today to wish you luck on your first day back. Hope it goes ok, will be thinking of you xxxxxxxxx

[LisaC]

My first day back was yesterday. It was ok, I didn’t do much just little jobs not much was expected of me so that took the pressure off. I was so tired when I got home and had a little nap. Next shift is Sunday.

[CJG4CJG]

Oh shoot yes I remember you saying it was Wednesday, I get my days muddled up with each day being the same! Glad it went ok. Xx

[LisaC]

My second day back today, going good so far, everyone has been really supportive and kind. The sisters looked at my shifts for the next few weeks as occupational health said no nights for a while so changed my off duty for that and I am able to carry over my remaining annual leave, it’s 90 hours from 2020-2021 so quite abit so that will help make the weeks lighter for a while.

I’m glad I done it, on my few days off after the first shift I felt like I was able to do more rather than sit there and think about things over and over.

[CJG4CJG]

So pleased to hear it’s all going well work wise, it’s a massive step but sounds like you have a good network to help. Doctor signed me off for another 6 weeks and will see how I feel then... hoping the dreams will ease and panic of change lessen. Maybe wishful thinking. Heavy heavy weekend but lighter today so hoping for a good week. Lots of time spent in the garden, trying to keep busy. Xx

[LisaC]

Had my second covid jab today, sore arm and day off tomorrow some of the girls have felt abit rubbish the next day so I’m glad to be off, I came home and had a good 2hr nap.

I got abit emotional today and just went to the loos for a little cry, Lewis’ brother has got a new office for his business and said he wished Lewis was there, I felt abit hurt because if Lewis would be there then I would of been too, I’m literally 2 minutes away from them. Also his brother bought loads of plants to go on his grave, they had to be ones that would not be eaten buy wildlife as deer and rabbits frequently visit for snacks, I was hurt when his mum told me as I would of like to have been involved, I haven’t been able to visit as it makes me too upset but I would of like to have been asked, I don’t know if I’m being to sensitive or my feelings are valid.

It does feel better to be abit busier though, I’m currently working on a paint by numbers, abit more involved than the ones I used to do as a kid!

Hopefully your week stays lighter for you.

[CJG4CJG]

Your doing so amazingly well, when your ready to go see where he is sleeping you will know and if you don’t want to that’s fine too. Glad work is keeping you busy and your paint by numbers.

I got another email from my mother in law this morning.... she has tried being the matriarch, she has tried guilting me, she has tried bullying and is now

Going for I’m sorry (but still only talks about the children and I am irrelevant). No Thankyou, ship sailed for her, cant take on too many rocks or I will sink, and I know I have to stay afloat for the children. Bad night last night, could stop crying hysterically. Sank some wine and still felt pissed this morning on the school run.... not my wisest move. Bacon sandwich and a nap and cups of tea this evening! It will be 5 months tomorrow..... feels like ages without him and yet like it was yesterday sometimes. Can’t believe I haven’t actually died of a broken heart!

X

[LisaC]

I think sometimes that I didn’t love him enough as I have not died of a broken heart, I’ve read that your most likely to have this 3 months after loosing your partner, and I’m just like well I’m still here I must be shit then. But then I beat myself up even more for thinking that.

I thought I could paint some rocks to put on the grave when I’m ready, I can go to the beach and get some nice big pebbles.

I had to wear full PPE at work today ffp3 mask and all that jazz, it’s been maybe 5 months since I wore it last I certainly did not miss it.

Maybe it’s a mother thing thinking about how the loss has only impacted themselves, Lewis mum is like it’s a different thing to loose a child it’s worse for me, I’m like thinking yes it’s different I don’t know that you can say worse, I’ve lost my identity, my best friend, my partner, my personality, financially, literally not one area of my life will be the same.

But anyway we plod on.

[CJG4CJG]

Ahh that’s sounds like a nice idea, to paint the rocks and take them to him.

Yer I thought that soooo much, why am I still alive. Bract I remember in those first few weeks having physical chest pain thinking is this is it.... will I just have a heart attack! Nope. Still here and he’s not, shite. But I have to be for the children, I know that now.

It’s not worse for her at all, it’s very very sad and like you said a pain we don’t know but the magnitude of loss on our daily life, future, and past is different to theirs. They didn’t tell them everything, go to bed with them every night, share their hopes and dreams and mould to being one. X