My love 💔

[LisaC]

The promethazine helps but I’ve found if I wake in the night for the loo I’m dizzy but after a proper sleep I’m ok.

I get the odd message from my sister in law how are you?, we’re here for you if you need anything. His mum sent me 3 heart emojis yesterday on Facebook messenger and posted on my wall the same thing. I don’t know I expected more I guess checking in every day maybe a stew or something. He told them to look after me and I feel ignored really.

It’s two months this week .

I got the cushion and teddy back this morning from his clothes, I will put them on the chair I think for now.

I’m hoping his mum should bring me some of the hair trimmings they got from the funeral place so they can be put into some jewellery she said she wanted to wait for the snow to go it’s been gone a few days now.

[CJG4CJG]

Ahh I’d love to see them if that’s ok? Maybe send me a pic on messenger if that’s ok, no worries if not. Taken the sominex tonight, not felt anything yet! The zopiclone normal zonks me out by now. Preying for sleep. Really heavy today.

Oh lovely, I’m so sorry you feel abandoned. It doesn’t take a lot for people to get in contact more but the truth is... people can be alien when it comes to grief. Doesn’t make it better, like I’ve said I’ve not heard from my husbands side nor have the children since 27/12 when they attached me. Hope your mum/family/friends have been better. Xx

[LisaC]

I sent you the pictures on messenger.

The sominex takes a little while to work but it does, I always have to think ahead and take it a while before I plan for bed which reminds me to take it now.

I suppose people do act differently in grief, I don’t know if they hold me responsible for him becoming so ill or they just distance themselves to make it easier but in the first few weeks his mum was in contact most days. It’s hard because as a nurse I knew he was not going to beat it no matter what but I couldn’t bring myself to have to let his family know how unwell he was, they were so hopeful the drs were hopeful it was hard to think that it wouldn’t work until he got really bad.

My mum asks me over for dinner on Fridays when she has my niece and nephews it’s good to see them and be silly and me and my sisters dog are becoming fast friends it’s only taken 2 years! My friend text me today for a walk tomorrow so I will do that.

I’ve been thinking about work and my certificate ends on the 25th I’m going to ask the dr for another as I feel anxious about going back it still feels too soon and there may be medication that can help the anxiety and hopefully start the bereavement counselling soon I sent back this self assessment last week.

Hopefully you get a good rest tonight x

[CJG4CJG]

Did you go for your walk with your friend? Was that ok, good company?

Slept really well last night on the sominex, just taken it so hoping I might get another good nights sleep.

My brother in law text me this evening, not the one that attacked me- that I haven’t heard from since 27th dec (along with my mother in law). He said “I don’t know if you know but grandad has had a mini stroke, maybe a good time to pull together”! Made me shake with anxiety again. I mean, it’s terrible and I genuinely hope he pulls through but he is 85 and had an amazing life, which I hope is longer obviously. But, let’s pull together because he is poorly- what about my husband, Isla and Max’s dad.... who was 51, diagnosed and died in 4 days, who hasn’t seen his children grow up nor get to coherently let his wishes be known? It makes my blood boil. Just selfish. Yet I was firm, polite but factual- said no I did know because none of you have contacted since dec but I hope he is ok. Door is shut to them and their selfishness. Rant over, sorry. Feels very lonely grief, and even more so when people who are supposed to be family stop contacting, don’t rally round and support you, attach you, then ignore you, then expect you to ‘pull together’!

X

[LisaC]

Yes it was a good walk, muddy and wet but I remembered the wellies, my legs ache now though.

What a bloody Wally your brother in law is pull together for the family jeez, in my opinion if I live to be that age it’s like don’t worry about me there are more important things to worry about like you!

I text Lewis’ mum today to ask the collectibles that were stored in her storage unit because we had to move the room around for the hospital bed. She said that she would arrange and drop it off at the weekend, also the beard trimmings to be set in jewellery for me too. So that’s good.

Glad you had a good sleep

X

[CJG4CJG]

Ahh that is so good that she said she will bring them round. Very kind of her, maybe you will stay friends? How are you doing in general? I feel it’s like step forward two back, step forward two back. Feel guilty that I am alive and he isn’t!

The sominex has made me spin abit this morning, only woke up at 10 but tbh I’ll take that atm.

Much love xx

[LisaC]

I think so they have all said I will always be a part of the family but they have just kind of left me maybe it’s how they are dealing with it I don’t know.

I only woke up about half 10 did not sleep till gone 1 though, I had a little cry before bed. Most days I’m ok I’ve been having little cry’s it is 2 months tomorrow, had a little chat with the therapy lady and that always stirs up my emotions.

I just feel guilty that I didn’t get him to the hospital sooner but he wouldn’t go his mum said I was being silly and that he did not need the hospital. Basically not anything I could of done but I still feel guilty.

[CJG4CJG]

I think it’s a man thing maybe? Kid wasn’t himself for a while but we had lots of external knocks the last few years, his work screwed him over, then our dog passed, then covid etc. He was drinking because he was down and so I think this probably masked him being poorly poorly, plus he was so strong willed and independent we both just thought we would come out the other side. Then band, implosion, cancer! Gone! Now I wonder if he was drinking as much as I initially thought and how much of his behaviour was the cancer and not alcohol. Therefore I feel guilty! Guilty I don’t see it before, guilty I took the doctors words for it (blood tests clear, cxr clear, USS of liver clear). Just feel like an implosion. Feel deperately sad that he isn’t hear, sad at the lack of support from friends and so called family, sad that we had fought so many battles and then it’s all stolen away! Still no word from his family...... it’s now too little too late! Feel guilty I’m alive and don’t know my place I. This world anymore. Can’t believe he isn’t here.

[LisaC]

Exactly, I go round and round thinking if I had done this then would they have found it then but I remember explaining literally every symptom of it to the diabetic nurse and drs and they didn’t think it so how was I supposed to know. Ultimately we feel guilty but we’re not.

I cleaned lewis’ pants and sock drawer today I know it’s a weird thing to chuck them all away but what else would I do with them, then then rolled into tidying all the drawers then going through my wardrobe and clothes drawers. I know he would be saying you have been waiting for those drawers to empty so you can fill it with more of your stuff! Lol but yes I did. Also so many wires, leads and plugs for god knows what everywhere, he has like 3 boxes of wires! Anyway another pile of clothes for a charity shop whenever they open again or the clothes bin at tescos if it’s not too full. I have an eye test tomorrow I will use the money from Lewis’ pension to pay for new glasses if needed he’s paying me back as I used money from my grandads inheritance to pay for our glasses a couple of years ago. And getting the old car serviced on Friday another chunk of money but needed to be done.

[CJG4CJG]

I just can’t imagine moving anything let alone getting rid of stuff. I wear kids boxers in bed and we always wore each other’s socks anyway. His stuff is still exactly where it was left. Don’t know if the day will ever come but right now, doing nothing is ok. Going to try to sleep tonight without the sominex, feel really spaced and tremory today. Feel emotionally tired too. Bored. Lonely. Sad. Glimmers of ok I can do this, then shit I don’t want to do this without him! Back forth back forth!

Hoping your days been ok today. It’s only 5 o’clock and I already feel ready for bed

[LisaC]

I moved the lounge around a couple weeks after he died I hated seeing the chair where he would sit so it moved it around, different tv unit it looks good. People deal with things differently there no right or wrong, yesterday I threw away more of my stuff and clothes than his little pile of socks and pants.

When I look back I think how I hoped every day I would not wake up and how would I manage etc but I’m still here I have no idea what my future holds or what to do but I’m just going with the flow every day.

I had my eye test today, stronger prescription got myself some new glasses with anti glare to help at work all the computers and lights give me migraines sometimes. Got myself a big pizza from Sainsbury’s for dinner. Hope for you to have a good sleep tonight and feel better tomorrow.

[CJG4CJG]

Well that plan failed... took the sominex as want some sleep, but don’t have to get up tomorrow so can chill. Go up early and drive to meet a friend locally, first time I’ve been in the car properly and alone. Then went to see another friend who the children wanted to see but our friendship is abit temperamental atm so was abit stressful! Had a wobble when I got home but my friend in the village came over and talked me out of my misery. It ok not to know what to do now, like you and have to keep telling myself... day by day! Program on the tv Re grief at 10 channel 5. Might give it a goosey, not like it can make it worse! Anyway, sleep well, hope you enjoyed the pizza. X

[LisaC]

Yes a lot of people are talking about that program on all the WAY pages I will see what people say before I watch it on catch up.

I have to be up early tomorrow to take my car to the garage for a service and to check out the wipers for some reason they have stopped working when I try to wash the windscreen, it’s next to my parents and my brother in law works there so I know it will get done properly I always worry about getting mugged off being a lady.

Pizza was good, just a cheese one so a really big cheese on toast essentially.

[CJG4CJG]

Slept well again I think. The sominex is brilliant as long as I haven’t got to be up at the crack of or I’m too dizzy. Food shop just arrived- it’s the only thing too look forward to nowadays! The bringer of wine!

I watched that programme, was pretty mild, don’t feel it touched the sides! But gave me something to watch none the less, did you watch it? Wind has come out of my sails abit this week, prob because I haven’t been able to walk as much with the children at home. X

[LisaC]

I will probably watch it over the weekend on catch up if I remember. I don’t watch live tv anymore I just watch everything on demand now.

I find the same with the sominex if I wake up early than normal I’m abit dizzy, I had to get up early today to drop my car off for a service so I was dizzy for abit but it did not last long.

[CJG4CJG]

Do you find they give you headaches? Outwardly I am calm but having a few manic internal days again, going over and over and over. Just hurts! Hurts he isn’t here! Don’t know how to do this! You get me?

[LisaC]

I don’t have headaches actually and I tend to suffer with headaches but maybe it’s just coincidence.

I totally get you, every thing hurts my niece was taking Snapchat pictures on my phone and one filter gave me a beard she said ha you look like Lewis, I miss Lewis. It was like a stab in the heart.

[CJG4CJG]

Found our daughter Isla crying in her room again today. Went in and gave her a cuddle. Slab! Can’t make it better, feel the same as you. Panic, tears, more panic! Keep turning the cog of emptiness Carla! Her friends were being mean, yup know how that feels. Just impounds your already broken heart. It just happened so quickly, so many unanswered questions, so much hurt, loss, anger, despair.

I hear what you say about your niece, my niece said the same to me.... she used to call kid dad when she was little because she didn’t have a relationship with hers then and our children called kid dad obviously she just thought that was what he was called. Hurts. Such a good man, good dad, good husband, good teacher, good athlete, good brain, bad hand!

[LisaC]

Oh dear were they being mean because she’s lost her dad or general girl spitefulness?

It’s hard to know what to say the kids I don’t really bring it up as I don’t want to get upset in front of them, but it is like a punch in the gut and winds me if they mention it.

I’ve just been sorting out bits as I got the things from the storage unit yesterday. Lots of pop figures and back to future collectibles that I bought him among other things. I’ve put up what I like and kept other things in a box that I think his family might like. Sorted out a big pile of old paperwork for shredding. I it feels good to sort it out and tidy up, we were both a little bit of a horder. Lewis loved to start a collection, he’s got key rings of places we’ve been, playing cards, guitars, old cameras, and so many tools!

Hopefully today is a better day for you and you are enjoying the sunshine if you have it, my mum got her washing dry on the line on Friday and she was very excited about it!

[CJG4CJG]

That’s nice you have lots of bits and pieces of his around. I haven’t moved a thing and probably won’t for a while. I wear his boxers in bed and his comedy t-shirt that says ‘tickle my pickle’. Went out in the garden for a bit today and out for a walk with the children to our local lake. Took my sominex at 6- hoping for an early night as school run tomorrow. Kids family are having nothing for our house, they can jog right on! In fact I don’t even want them in the house having not spoken to me for two months! 15 years plus we have been together and they have treated me and the children appallingly- kid would be disgusted.

Bought a photo frame at the range the other day, going to make a collage with photos for the hallway. Give me something nice to do in the evenings. How are you sleeping now? Without the sleepers I’m wide awake!

[LisaC]

I’ve managed the last couple of nights without and managed to get to sleep a reasonable amount of time after getting into bed.

I see things of his and I think oh his brother would like that or maybe his sister would like this, the things in know one of his brothers wants is one of his guitars, I’ve got that one in the bedroom to make sure I get enough of what I need seeing it before I give it to him if that makes sense. There will be rules though that I know Lewis would want me to make known, no leaving the guitar in the sunshine as it warps the wood, wipe with a microfibre cloth, have it on a guitar stand no laying it down or against the wall and her names maybeline.

But totally stuff his family they have acted appallingly to you.

[CJG4CJG]

That’s good you can sleep without. Alcohol and drugs all the way for me, however I am travelling further in the act without panic.

Not sure if I want To go back to work, not sure who I am or what I want to do without kid. Feel lost. I am struggling to comprehend that he isn’t on this plant anymore. The world keeps turning and people carry on but it all seems insignificant to me without him.

Met kid when I was 11. Girl crush. Bumped into him in a pub at 16 and perused him. He was my first, everything. Messed around for a while before getting together properly. He was my person. Love him

[LisaC]

My certificate runs out this week I’m going to ask for another one, not sure if I will get another 4 weeks but I think a little bit more time, I’m just sort of starting to be able to do ‘normal’ things so I feel like I could go back it would be a phased return and I have annual leave to use up and we’re allowed to carry over annual leave to the next year so they will make the working weeks easier for a little bit.

It’s different for everyone some people find going back to work straight away helped but I definitely could not of. So don’t beat yourself up if you’re thinking of not being able to go back or taking longer.

It’s our 4 year anniversary on the 23rd it’s crazy to think to timeline of events that came to me meeting Lewis if I did not make decisions about my life at time then I would not of met him. I’ve had like this relationship curse where I’ve not managed to get past 3 years without it going fits up, I was engaged to someone before Lewis and he cheated on me and left me a couple of days after Christmas so I met Lewis quite quickly after I was drinking with a friend and in plenty of fish and swiped right on a picture and then he tracked me down. I’ve booked myself in to give blood on that day, my 4th donation and Lewis had 2 units of blood the week before he died as the cancer ruined his HB. He could of had my blood as I’m O positive so hopefully my blood will help someone in a similar situation.

[CJG4CJG]

That’s a nice thing to do, I just don’t want to go anywhere near the place! Not sure what I am going to do but trying to live in the now atm. Lighter day today ish... children back at school and I went out for a walk with a friend. 18k. Lightens the load abit. Ive never had another boyfriend, had a crush on my hubby when I was at school then fell in love with him when I was 16. My first and my heart always. Are you watching anything good on tv? I can’t find anything and I’m so bored. Just not sure about work- if the doctor won’t sign me off I’ll put my notice in.

Find the evenings long! Sad! Lonely.

[LisaC]

I’m just watching the walking dead from the start again the new series starts soon. Lewis used to do most the tv picks as I would always like to watch 24 hrs in a&e or casualty and he hated stuff like that so he watched various programs on Netflix or prime and I would dip in and out depending on my shifts. I have been watching Disney + to get to sleep.

It took me a long time to find Lewis and to have him taken from me after such short a time really sucks, I think what have I done so bad to the universe to deserve such heartache. After having all the shitty boyfriends emotionally abusive, cheating to find my happiness and some overgrown cells just come and fuck it all up.

I was Lewis’ only ever partner he led a pretty isolated life due to his hearing difficulties but I got him out there and we went lots of different places he loved it, every year we decided to take a little trip on our a anniversary, it’s painful seeing the memories pop up on Facebook, tomorrow is going to be rough.