My love 💔

[LisaC]

I have the same disbelief like that really all happened right? This morning I woke up and I was thinking I could hear the TV on in the lounge which meant Lewis was up, then I was like wait he’s not here and it was the boiler I could hear.

I can’t imagine the loss of a husband and father of your children, my loss feels small compared to yours.

I had lived alone for years before I met Lewis, I briefly lived with an ex but he left after a few short months, he was cheating. Lewis is the only person I’ve managed to live with for a long time. So it’s only been 2 years we were living together and he was in hospital from end of October pretty much until he died, he was home for 4 days before being readmitted then home for another week after that admission then he died in hospital, I’ve pretty much been living alone since then and the times he was home were so stressful, cooking cleaning taking care of him, appointments, covid test after covid test, video appointments. It was like a relief for me when he was in hospital.

Anyway I ramble on, from being in the WAY groups I see people who are at different stages months or years, they are still here, they say it gets easier but the first year is tough and there is no escaping that.

[CJG4CJG]

I must do the sign up stuff. It came through but no energy to do it. Slept last night first time in ages, so I’ll take that as a win.

We didn’t get any time for hospital appointment or for it to sink in, so I can’t imagine your situation either. Just hoping for a lighter day for us both Xx

[LisaC]

I slept pretty good last night too, woke about 10am which was nice. I do love a good lay in.

The WAY groups do zoom calls, I’m in a sub group for those without children, so there was a zoom chat last night and it’s nice just to hear different voices talking about normal things.

The days are definitely easier with the diazepam I don’t have the hysterical moments.

Always wishing us a better day x

[CJG4CJG]

Today I carried it, feels constantly heavy but lighter when I stop putting pressure on myself, judgements and opinions of others causing me more anxiety rather than trusting in myself and ‘my kid self’ (who was always my voice of reason). Had a nice long walk in the countryside with the dog, did some laundry, managed to do an online food shop as the children eating a lot with lockdown. Spoke to our doctor who was kind and got a nice email from work telling me not to worry.

It’s good that you got some sleep. Life is hard enough without it! Glad the diazepam is helping too. It doesn’t take it away I feel but nothing ever will, but find it helps me to carry it. Sending my thought and friendship X

[LisaC]

I know I feel like we are too hard on ourselves, and to be honest just getting out of bed is a major achievement, cooking a meal, doing washing it’s a big thing for me. I’m not worried that there is a pile of clean washing on the floor in the bedroom or dirty plates on the side.

That’s good your work said not to worry it must be a weight off your mind. I think the Dr is ringing me tomorrow to check up on me. It would be good to not be crying the whole time so I actually have a conversation with her!

I phoned Lewis pension people today because I was trying to give them the persons details who is dealing with it all, they said as I’m set as the beneficiary they can only deal with me and they will just pay me the money in 5-10 days. It won’t be much as Lewis was mostly self employed apart from the last two years but it was part of his plan he wanted me to have it to help if something happened to him.

There is a random act of kindness group on the WAY Facebook with amazon wish lists, someone sent me a bar of chocolate today, it made me smile I sent a few things to people. Hopefully it makes them smile too

X

[CJG4CJG]

Two days of carrying it and I wake heavy, feeling of heavy dread, it’s never going to be ok that he is not here. The world is a lesser place without him and how do I carry it! My body and mind feel full, my heart is broken. Shattered. Trampled.

I hate making all the calls and doing all the practical stuff, I care not for it all atm, feels like a kick in the chest. But I must for the kids, for kid, it’s just heavy. It’s nice that you got to have those conversations with Lewis and you know his wishes- well some of them. We didn’t get the chance to do/say anything much. Just be together, cuddle, and a final kiss. Which I am grateful for them all but it just feels raw. A black hole.

Bad day.

Joined the WAY, and verified it this morning. Not sure how to do the Facebook thing or the random acts thing- maybe if you have the energy you could send me a link? My sister coming for a walk later, tired and heavy, don’t want to get out of bed. But I think it will make me feel lighter for a little while so I will force myself.

Wishing you a peaceful calm day.

[LisaC]

The pension call was hard because it was a general phone number the lady on the phone I spoke to first did not seem to understand so I was just like I’ve been sent a letter to claim pension for my partner he's dead! She was like let me just put you on hold then she like I’m very sorry for your loss can you confirm some things then she said I will transfer you through to the bereavement team, the lady there was so different calm voice, spoke slowly it was easier to speak to her. Lewis always said to me he would be dead before he was 40, I did not believe him. Before he met me his diet was bad, did not manage his diabetes well ate pizza all the time full sugar drinks etc, he was better with me but no amount of good diet could have stopped what was going to happen.

If you look for WAY Widowed and Young, WAVY official (widowed and very young) and WAY RAOK 2021, there are separate groups for those with children but I’m not in that group, the groups are usually signposted in the groups, I had to answer some questions to join just to make sure I was a member of the WAY website etc. I sent someone a colouring book on the random act of kindness thing, it’s sad but I was excited all day waiting for this person to get it, gave me abit of joy.

I have the heavy feeling of dread too, it’s Lewis funeral on Thursday, I’m dreading it so much, I don’t want to go I don’t want to see anyone.

[CJG4CJG]

My husband was always very very fit. Yes he liked a drink and smoked but his heart was strong and his lungs and his Physique, having been a keen athlete, rugby player and pe teacher. The doctor said this is maybe why he didn’t show much symptoms until so so late. It’s very hard to understand, comprehend, accept because it’s so so cruel and unfair. Wish it was me, but wouldn’t want him in this pain either. Can’t win.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow, and Lewis. You do what you need to do to get through it for you and for him. Big hugs xxx

[LisaC]

I feel bad for not planning on being there tomorrow but it’s just not what I want. I thought I was doing the music I got it all set up on the iPad with the portable speaker then his mum texts me, don’t worry nick his other brother is doing it. I feel like I’ve got no job in the planning of the funeral I feel so left out. I don’t even know who’s going. Lewis was a window cleaner his brother is having the work vans in the funeral procession, I mean 2 white vans Lewis hated those vans he always complained about them it’s his brothers business but I don’t really see why.

I’m going to get up get changed and go out tomorrow and hopefully by the time I’m ready to come back my parents will have gone home as they will probably try to come to the flat looking for me. I’ve made a playlist on my phone of our favourite music and got a box of his favourite chocolates (chocolate seashells) so I will see him tomorrow afternoon probably.

I know they probably have not left me out in purpose but I feel really left out and like my opinion does not matter. They tried to go against his wishes in hospital, I wish I knew what he wanted for after but you never know when that will be.

Sorry for the offload I have a lot on my mind and a mega migraine for the past 2 days.

Hope your ok x

[CJG4CJG]

Thinking of you, and your Lewis today

[LisaC]

It was such a surreal day, I went to a park while the funeral was happening it was sunny there was lots of dogs running around having fun and it was just peaceful. I went to see Lewis after everyone had gone I stayed there for maybe an hour and a half playing music and alternating between sobbing and staring and the hole in the ground. The man filled in the hole and I helped arrange the flowers. I put the ones from my family at the top.

I ended up walking round to his brothers where everyone was and just sat there I felt like the odd one out, I just went and sat on the stairs away from everyone and cried for abit.

His mum is talking about some god awful headstone she’s found so I’ve asked if I can help choose she said yes. Hopefully I can stear her towards something that is more him if there is such a thing but a love heart is not it.

[CJG4CJG]

You are surviving. You went to see him, you did what felt right for you and him. You did well! Your amazing! X

[CJG4CJG]

Kids family haven’t spoken to me for a month! Over 15 years together, two beautiful children and they can’t be bothered. Ride it out, stay true to your love/bond, and trust yourself lovely. X

[LisaC]

Thank you

I don’t quite know what the point in surviving every day is, it all feels so pointless, but whatever.

I need to clear off the stuff that I put on the hospital bed as they are finally coming to collect that on Monday.

That’s a shame about his family, I think if Lewis could see he would be upset that they did not involve me, I get my robin visit every day so I’m good. They will see the error of their ways but it might be too late by the time they realise.

Hope your doing ok

X

[CJG4CJG]

I don’t think hubby’s family will see the error of their ways ever, they are very stubborn, or not atleast until his narssastic mum gets her own life. She is 79 and still thinks she is in charge of everything and I guess kids brothers never have stepped away and been independent whereas kid was fantastically strong and ind, he built a family of his own, that was his priority. I know kid would be so sad for me and the children that his family have been so awful, but not surprised he knows what they are like... we discussed it may times.

Hopefully it will workout between you and Lewis fam. It’s hard and feels pointless when your worlds imploded. Day by day lovely. Xx

[LisaC]

That’s a shame

I think in situations like this you have to just cut people off if it’s not helpful to you or your family you know what you need support wise and if they are not it then forget about them.

I’m sure it will be fine with Lewis family, I’m someone who keeps quiet to keep the peace and to be honest I don’t really remember those first few weeks. I don’t know if I should of asked to be involved or if they should of asked but whatever it’s too late now.

The hospital bed and few other bits of equipment are finally being collected on Monday so I need to go into the gaming room to get all the crap off the bed so it’s clear so they can take it away.

Life feels very pointless right now, I don’t feel like I have a purpose in life. The family support therapist suggested I try to get myself into a routine and I feel that going back to work with give me a focus but I’m not ready to go back yet. I’m going to see the girls tomorrow I’m hoping to make a cake, I love baking and every nurse loves abit of cake.

Hope your having a good weekend

[CJG4CJG]

Yes finding a purpose now is really hard, I get it, very hard to know who I am and what I want to do with my life now. Only ever wanted to be with kid and everything else came too. Just playing it day by day and hoping for now, survival is ok and the rest will come. Not ready for work at all, especially in the current climate. Focusing on finding calm, the kids, dog and fresh air.

I know what you mean about things being a blur. All very surreal!

It’s difficult to cut them out as they are Max and Islas family too, but definitely going to let the children decide if they want to see them and when and steer clear myself. On the children’s terms not theirs.

Oh yes, used to love it when someone brought in cake or cookies! That’s nice. Will keep you busy too for a little while xxxxx

[LisaC]

Yes that’s a good plan with the children.

I bought myself a weighted blanket apparently it’s meant to help relax you, it’s nice I like the weight of it on me. I also got a big sausage type pillow that is good for pregnant ladies but it’s nice to have in bed take up the empty space.

The cake turned out good I even decorated it hopefully it’s nice, the bit that fell off the edge tasted nice.

I just try to find stuff to occupy my time, I currently have a 3D puzzle of the hogwarts express being made it’s much bigger than I thought!

[CJG4CJG]

Lighter day, moments of OMG same house, everything still in its place, used to be home-

But he’s not here! But kept busy and carried to day. Getting used to my own company. I have lots of jobs to do around the house but no interest atm, just finding calm walking the dog hoping it will get lighter.

The pillow and cake sound great.

Generally I’m a kronenbourg and zopiclone kinda girl nowadays

Night lovely xx

[LisaC]

Yes I know I think what happens if I end up having to move, the flat is rented so I’m like what if the landlord wants to sell up I will have to live somewhere where he has not been. I don’t plan to move until I can buy a property myself.

The hospital bed and other bits are being picked up tomorrow so hopefully I can get the room back to its gaming room glory. There are lots of his ‘toys’ in his mums storage unit so it will be nice to get them back. There are a few bits that belonged to his grandad so it will be nice for his family to have them as they mean nothing to me but I’m

not ready to let them have any of his things yet. One of his brothers would like a guitar of his and his nephews wanted his trainers, strange I know but Lewis had an extensive shoe collection fancy Nike trainers timberlands vans and stuff they are pretty much new as due to lockdown he never really went anywhere to wear them so it will be nice for them to have them and it would make Lewis feel down with the kids knowing his teenage nephews want his shoes. I will keep some of the other pairs.

I had a nice time seeing the work girls, I went to the chip shop to get myself a burger and chips and spent lunch break with them and they enjoyed the cake.

I’ve ordered some sominex to try which is promethazine a strong antihistamine. Antihistamines usually make me sleepy so hopefully they help I seem to sleep not too bad it’s just the getting to sleep for me.

Hopefully the beer and zopiclone help!

X

[CJG4CJG]

Hi Lisa

How’s today?

I think that’s really considerate of you to think about giving his family stuff, I don’t want to part or move anything. Not that they have asked for anything as they don’t talk to me at all! Coming to terms with that.

Didn’t sleep well last night, had a dream kid was poorly and came into our room and woke disorientated in the middle of the night and couldn’t get back to sleep. Been on a 4.4h walk today after school drop off, 17km, in the countryside with stellar. Aching now but found my calm

For the day. Hoping the lack of sleep last night and the walk today will knock me

Out tonight. I took antihistamines when I had to have a break from my zopiclone, slept but felt dizzy in the morning. Saying that was still grateful for the kip. Looking forward to a bath and bed. Oh the little things.

It’s nice you could see your work friends! I can’t bring myself atm to be in big public areas let alone back in the hospital where he was. X

[LisaC]

The bed and other bits are gone the chaps left about half an hour ago, they done it really quickly. I got abit upset I don’t know why because I absolutely hated the fact that I had to have that stuff here but it’s like another thing gone I said it all happened so fast like did it really happen? Did I imagine the last 4 years of being with Lewis.

That’s quite a walk I’m far to fat and lazy right now but I know I should get out for a walk as it can be just as good as an antidepressant I’ve read.

I didn’t take any diazepam last night I wanted to see if I could manage without and I did sleep and woke about 7ish but it felt like 2am!

The ward Lewis was I on was made a respiratory ward a couple of years ago but before that it was the stroke unit, my dad had quite a bad stroke a few years ago so he was on that ward too. I’ve been working at the hospital as HCA, student nurse and then nurse it’s like my second home I’ve worked there since I was 20. I feel safe there I have not really thought about that it’s the place where Lewis died, lots of my family have actually died there. It just does not cross my mind really.

I told my work friends about the WAY support groups and they were glad I was talking to people because they are like we can be sympathetic and everything but at the end of the day we will never understand.

I ordered loads of nice smellies from boots and got this sleep body butter stuff so I will slap some of that on tonight if anything it will help my dry skin!

Hopefully you are not aching too much from the walk and lovely hot bath should help!

[CJG4CJG]

That is nice that you feel comforted in your work friends and work place. May make it easier/more supportive going back... whenever that is. Kid left the hospital and I cared for him at home but still, the hospital has moved staff from pillar to post because of the covid and all is very uncertain and manic I think it will overwhelm me atm.

I went on a zoom last night with the loss foundation- people who have lost their partners to cancer. But don’t think I was in the right head space as the minute I went on I just felt tired and wanted to leave. But didn’t want to be rude so stayed until the end. The WAY stuff gives me something to scroll but I prefer this, one to one sharing. Feels more personal

So good you managed some sleep without. Has your pillow arrived?

I’m still taking my sleepers as just can’t sleep without them, but I believe the sertraline to have helped with my anxiousness/jumpiness.

Hope you have an ok day lovely. Xxxxxx

[LisaC]

I do think about when I will go back how it will be, I will have to have a chat with the sisters, a phased return type thing and hopefully if I could not be redeployed to elsewhere in the hospital that would be helpful. It gave me slot of anxiety anyway being moved to elsewhere so I can’t imagine how I would be if they moved me after what happened.

The pillow helps it’s just something else in the bed, I did move pillows to be that side but this sausage pillow is nice I put my arm around it sometimes. I got it from the qvc website it’s a pink fluffy one. I also took a sominex last night and slept for 12 hours!

The WAY groups have lots of zooms there is no pressure to talk or even have your camera on. The first new member session I kept my camera off and I’m usually quiet in the background. There is a without children group I’m in and they do a zoom Sunday evenings, they are a nice bunch and just talk about good tv shows or favourite biscuits, how was your week etc. The WAY forum is good I check on their most days.

Have a good day

X

[CJG4CJG]

Hiya

Thought I had replied earlier, sometimes I think My Memory is recuperating and then it’s gone again. Just had a brain wave.... have you read the book I told you about that you bought?

Feel really lonely and don’t want to ‘over burden’ people as all ready people just pull away, and covid, and trying to get my

Head around the fact I will

Never physically see him

Again! Anyway, dog walks today, football in the garden with the kids, wine!

Nytol

And now bed. Day done. How was yours? Xx