My love 💔

[CJG4CJG]

My names Carla. Both my husband and I were CJG initials hence my username.

Glad you got some sleep, yay. Days are certainly more manageable with sleep.

I think just being able to talk to someone a little, momentarily eases the loneliness and yes the constant replaying again and again and again.

My diet consists of toast pretty much atm but sometimes I just finish off the kids food. As my appetite is not great. I am able to cook for them and get them to school. No deviating from the routine as socially in person I feel overwhelmed and social awkward.

Chilled weekend. Got abit of snow yesterday so took the children sledging.

[LisaC]

Yes mostly toast, cheese in toast, beans on toast, soup, pasta or a takeaway.

I will be able to leave isolation on Monday, my brother in law tested positive for covid so that’s where my nephew got it from, although I’m sure I’m sure my sister was thinking it was from me as I had been at the hospital a lot.

We only had a little snow and it rained it away shortly after I woke up. It’s nice and sunny this morning.

[CJG4CJG]

Going to take the dog out for a walk, listen to some music. Just got to get motivated to get out of bed. But is sunny here too. Haven’t had beans on toast for ages! Yum. Might be my super. X

[LisaC]

I felt really low today, I realised the date. It’s been a month it feels like the longest month ever but also I can’t believe it’s only been a month if that makes any sense.

I feel so tired today I’m in bed with some calming music on.

Beans and cheese on toast is the best.

X

[CJG4CJG]

Yes it makes sense. I remember having the in-laws for tea and them telling the children the date, one month and instantly felt washed out. That shock or certainly for me, everyone is different, but shock one month without them and yet feels like seconds, years, minutes.... it’s all

Blurred!

Your doing great!

Just found my daughter crying in her room, post daddy garden challenge, she is very private like him. And I told her what I’ve been told and actually what I believe..... it’s OK to not always be OK. Just getting today done. All I can do today. Xx

[LisaC]

Thank you, your words really help me, I was like totally fine at the beginning I think I was stuck in nurse mode explaining it to the family who were not believing and wanting him to have private treatment listening to all the rubbish this private dr had told them, it was like it was not happening to me and he was just in hospital and he just never came home.

I just keep replying every last moment I my head and upsetting myself.

There’s a book called it’s ok to not be ok some people have said that’s good, I’ve ordered it but not yet received. I made a start on the other book you recommended I’ve only managed a few pages I flit between one thing to another, I’m watching about 3 different series right now, doing a diamond painting and I bought some paint by number things that I saw Mrs hinch doing, they are however massive must be a3 size so they will take some time when I get round to it.

I was in bed for like 4 hours this afternoon but I’ve managed to get up and dressed now.

[CJG4CJG]

I have that book too! Now reading it in small doses.

Yes me too, nurse mode then wham! Explaining what is happening whilst I suppose disassociating myself from the reality.... then Pain! Empty! Alone!

But all I can do, is day by day! Yes I still replay and replay and replay.

I generally get up to feed the dog early then go back to bed with tea and drugs. Chill, find my calm. When I can muster, house work, dog walk, maybe some games with the kids (like daddy used too), then prey for sleep. The paint by numbers sounds like a good distraction! I found myself walking and walking today, like being in the fields with nature.

Hope you get some sleep. Thinking of you. X

[LisaC]

I joined a zoom chat last night on a Facebook group for people widowed without children, they are all people from the WAY support group. I didn’t say much but it was nice to hear and see different people and see that life goes on and I won’t be stuck like this forever.

I sleep ok but I need 2 zopiclone to do it. The weather is nice today I might go for a little walk. I need to take the recycling to the bins then I will be able to use the dinner table to do some of the painting!

I need to take Lewis his clothes tomorrow too

Hopefully you have good day

X

[CJG4CJG]

Hello

I have had the WAY info pack through but not done anything with it as of yet.

It’s my husbands birthday tomorrow. Have pain in my heart, like someone squeezing it. Miss him. Miss him all the time. I gave hubby odd socks- that what he is used too! X

[LisaC]

I totally understand the pain I feel it all the time, actual chest pain.

Lewis’ birthday is in May and it will be 6 months the day before his birthday.

The WAY stuff is ok there are so many people who are just nice and helpful, I’ve signed up for a pamper party evening on zoom, face masks and anti wrinkle cream hopefully a giggle, I’ve bought myself a face mask to make me look like a monkey, lol.

Lewis legs had swollen due to the enlarged liver I got him some ultra wide trainers and super wide socks he never got to wear them so hopefully they fit. I picked his widest leg jeans too, he hated the skinny legs but it was hard to find just normal jeans sometimes!

[CJG4CJG]

Yesterday started off ok ish, got stuff done. Took kid his birthday present (a bird feeder) for near him and the children and I sprinkled our beloved dogs ashes over daddy to keep him safe. Our other dog went in with him to keep him warm.

Evening fully of streams and streams of tears. Only just got up, chest pain, stress, miss him. Children are okay atm, fed (bacon rolls- a daddy special), watered, playing with their friends online. Need to get motivated and go walk the dog. Ergggggggggg miss him.

Did you take Lewis’s clothes yesterday? X

[LisaC]

Yes I took the clothes, I put a few little bits in his jeans pockets. You know those key to my heart key ring sets? He got us them a few years ago but they broke and are somewhere in the flat, I got some new ones with our initials stamped on and gave him the key, I’ve got the heart in my purse. I put a couple of special guitar picks in there too, a funny picture I drew on one of his medication pots during his first hospital admission and wrote him a little note on the back. I also put a little gemstone heart in his pocket and I got another one to give him mum.

The lady at the funeral place saw me I must of looked so sad because she told me to come in, I got really upset because I have no input into the funeral, his family are literally only texting me when they want something, I thought I was picking all the music that he would like, Lewis mum said she wants a Beatles song played, and I know like everyone likes the Beatles but Lewis would not choose to have that at his funeral given the choice.

I picked the AC/DC song thunderstruck as it’s pure guitar awesomeness who he would love and is totally him, he tried to play it but he was out of practice. His ‘going in’ song is pink floyd wish you were here which he always told me he wanted that. The funeral lady was like do you know what the coffin looks like, I made a face it is totally not what I would choose for him, I asked how much it’s going to cost almost 4K! He would be raging they have spent so much money on this.

I gave the funeral lady the web address for the tribute page for people to donate money too, so that will go on the order of service. I don’t know why lewis mum did not want it on there. The total is £1000 now I’m glad hopefully it will help people.

I’m really struggling with the whole funeral thing I don’t really want to go, I don’t want to see him in the box or drive behind him slowly or walk behind him in the church. I want to just sit outside and be alone. His mum does not understand and she’s like no you have to sit with someone, I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do. The therapist from the hospice told me if I tell my mum about it and she can tell her and get off my case. It’s not a like a horrible thing that I don’t love him, it’s that I love him so much it causes me physical pain and it is mentally and emotionally damaging to me to see that.

I’m sorry this is so long it’s just hard when I don’t feel like they are doing Lewis right.

[CJG4CJG]

It’s ok and good to get it off your chest. It must be awful that they are not making all decisions with you as you were the closest person to him. Emotionally, physically and each other’s future. You do what you feel is right on the day, for you. You may change your mind closer to the time or on the day, and that’s ok. What they think you should be doing is irrelevant.

I had troubles with in-laws too, but as his NOK it was my decision all of it and actually he would have wanted it that way 100% he always said “you and me”, although I tried to be considerate and include them. They don’t talk to me or the children anymore. His mother said “I should be over it by now, and I don’t like her, and she has lost her son” then his brother got violent infront of the children making the children cry and physically assaulting my

Mum. All because I didn’t go to their house on Boxing Day because I was too emotional. But being considerate I asked the children if they wanted to go which they did, so I sent them. Not seen them or heard from them since. Clearly about their grief but I can only honour kid ‘my, Isla and Max’s world’ and other people can not expected a grieving spouse to March to their band. Loosing a child I can not imagine, awful, and valid grief, but I do believe the magnitude of the loss on daily life, things shared and confided is of greater impact to a spouse.

You hold true to yourself, to ‘you and Lewis’ and just take it day by day. X

[CJG4CJG]

I meant I do believe the magnitude to the spouse is greater. It’s not a competition and all grief is valid but the magnitude to your life together is greater. Stay true to yourself and Lewis, that’s all you can do!

[LisaC]

I know I think to myself they all have each other still, I have nothing my future is gone.

I think Lewis mum is understanding a little bit she just text me saying to do what I have to do and they and Lewis would understand.

I spoke to the GP and she is giving some diazepam to help get me through the next couple of weeks, hold off the zopiclone and can take 3 diazepam a day if I need, I’m glad because I do work myself up and my mind goes through a million things so hopefully it will help.

The dr said to me I can always do my own little good bye which is what I was thinking of, just going to the grave and put some of his favourite music on or watch an episode of friends or Jurassic park which he loved.

Thank you

[CJG4CJG]

That’s nice his mum messaged you.

Everyday just feels like survival atm x

[LisaC]

Yes day by day at the moment

I feel better for getting things off my chest and getting help though, I’m abit worried about taking the diazepam! I’m worried I will take one and wake up tomorrow afternoon.

[CJG4CJG]

Yes they gave me clonazepam and I too was worried about it, but if you feel you need it you will make the right choice for you at the time. So go with it.

Really bad few days following hubbies birthday. No sleep and panic attacks again. Lots of tears last few days. Tense and exhausted. Just exhausted. Worried about work, driving people away, letting people in, the children massively, and the reality. It’s all so so heavy. It’s ironic, people don’t understand fully and every individual grief is different and that feels lonely and yet I wouldn’t want them to understand as to understand would mean they would have to have gone through this and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. You get me?

[LisaC]

I took 2mg diazepam last night it took me a while to go to sleep so I will take it earlier tonight but I had a feeling of calm before I went to sleep and today I’ve managed to clean the bathrooms, do some washing and cooked a meal with some vegetables and everything!

Who knows if it is the medication or it’s just a good day.

Lewis birthday is the day after it will be 6 months I’ve already requested it off as annual leave.

It’s difficult because you need the support from your friends but they don’t understand they will be like she should be over it by now or something equally insensitive. There is a lady at my work who is around my mums age and she is a widow she lost her husband a few years ago, so I think my colleagues are aware of how difficult it will be for me and will be understanding. I’ve had more messages from my colleagues than I have my friends. I went to my work yesterday just to see them and also get rid of the sharps bins. It was good to see them, and just talk, lots of my colleagues have had babies recently, they have all been boys! I said they are all boys to make up for the big boy that my Lewis was. I think it’s 6 or 7 boys we have had in a row now.

Sending hugs

[LisaC]

If your worried about work could you talk to occupational health? I know most wards are covid wards at the moment but you could ask for redeployment to somewhere different. I don’t know about where you work and stuff but a lot of my colleagues are sent to general intensive care when we are well staffed, it’s quite sad and unpleasant working there with all the covid patients and I can imagine it would be quite triggering so I would not want to be sent there but that’s something I would have to discuss at some point.

[CJG4CJG]

It has only been 3 months, I don’t feel ready to go back to work. I can’t even get out of bed this morning a friend took the kids to school. I did their packet lunches last night. Feel weak, yet heavy and tired so tired. Miss him.

[LisaC]

Oh there is no rush for you to go back, you know it takes as long as it takes.

I know I’m not ready to go back but I do enjoy the visits when I’ve just popped in for a cup of tea or something. It just makes me feel normal, takes my mind of my life for 5 minutes.

I would probably do a phased return type thing, I’ve never been off work this long so it will be hard going back to the 13hr shifts with a rubbish nights sleep.

It’s good that you have a friend who is able to take the kids for you, good that they are able to go to school during this time it gives you some time alone to just breathe.

[CJG4CJG]

Was thinking about you, thought I’d say a hello. How’s your day been?

[LisaC]

It’s ok, I always seem to be in my pjs till midday, I went to tescos for some shopping, got down the road and realised I had forgotten a mask and the bloody shopping list! I hadn’t eaten so was shaking because I was so hungry had to grab a cheese toastie from the costa. I’ve read abit more of the Sasha bates book now I’m bed watching a crappy movie hoping for sleep!

I’ve been better on the diazepam I still have crying moments but I’ve not have the hysterical moments, only taking them in the evening as then when it’s the worst.

How have you been?

[CJG4CJG]

Some days I think, no you must push through carry it, for the children. He would want you too. But mostly I feel bitterly empty sadness and disbelief, can’t imagine living without him. No energy, tired, fed up. Don’t know how I am going to cope with this!