Despairing

[Cazzza]

My husband died as a result of this wretched disease 3 years ago today. The whole thing was a total whirlwind, with his death happening 3 weeks after his diagnosis. This left us with no time to discuss anything and my total fear of what was happening and perceived lack of urgency with his treatment manesfested itself in anger and sheer terror. His loss gets no easier with time and I question constantly whether he tried hard enough to stay alive, even if he ever loved me and if I should have done things differently, if I made things worse, if he knew what was wrong sooner but didn’t tell me.

Life has been very complicated since his death and whilst the constant flow of tears has subsided I find it difficult to deal with the unanswered questions I have (answers that only he can give). I’ve been counselled extensively and it hasn’t really helped. Would very much welcome thoughts on how to deal with these thoughts and to be able to be thankful for the short and happy time we had together.

[toodotty]

Hi Cazzza,

I am so sorry that you are still struggling with the loss of your husband, but relieved that you are receiving counselling. I am a Stage IV PC sufferer and you should not blame either your husband or yourself. I was a very fit 55 year old when I was struck down and was not only shocked at the lack of treatment options but also by just how quickly the disease progressed. It is a hideous disease because by the time you are diagnosed you have literally been starving to death for months. Hence the rapid decline and the difficulty in fighting back. The situation is compounded if treatment is not swift and by the general acceptance of medical professionals that they best that they can do "is make your final days comfortable".

There are still many things wrong in the way that pancreatic cancer is treated, you cannot blame yourself or your husband for not being able to defy impossible odds.

Best wishes, toodotty

[Proud Wife]

Hello Cazzza,

You are about 8 months ahead of me, I lost my husband June 2016 and it still seems like yesterday.

I believe you have these questions going round and round in your head...because you are not able to get the answers from your husband and you know you never will. If you can think back to before diagnosis and any sign of illness, did you ever question your husband's love for you?

We were "lucky" in that we had 14 months together, I can't imagine what it must have been like for you. No time to get your heads around diagnosis, let alone anything else.

Lots of things go over and over in my mind. For some reason, I keep thinking back to the time we were sat in consultants office and heard the news and I keep thinking about the moment he passed away. That's my heart hurting. My head tells me don't be so silly - think about the happier times but its so much easy said than done. I know I feel guilty whenever I am enjoying myself and suddenly realise I've not thought about him for the past hour. It's all part of the grieving process I suppose.

All I can say is, try to accept what's done is done. You can't change the outcome. You can't turn back time. I hope talking to others who know exactly what you are feeling helps because you have to have walked in our shoes to truly understand how this vile disease devastates lives.

Toodotty, you are amazing by the way. Purple hugs to all xxx

[PCUK Nurse Jeni]

Hello Cazzza,

Thank you for your post on the forums.

I am so sorry to hear that you lost your husband to pancreatic cancer.

It can be very difficult to handle the speed at which pancreatic cancer can take someones life - this would not be an unique situation, unfortunately, and we do speak to other people who have had similar experiences and have found this challenging to understand.

There may also be an element of some "post traumatic stress", Cazzza - due to how fast things happened to your husband, and the fact that you had not time to discuss things together. The anger and feelings of terror could be as a result of this.

I know you have had counselling, but have you had any specific help in terms of post traumatic stress Cazzza? There may be councillors who are more skilled in this field than others. And maybe this might be something to explore?

If you would like to speak to any of the nurses here, then our details are in the signature below - or even drop us an email, if you wish?

It is very hard when you are affected by such an event - and you lose a loved one - making sense of things can be puzzling and sometimes, we don't arrive at answers either. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Kindest regards,

Jeni.

Jeni Jones

Pancreatic Cancer Specialist Nurse

Support Team

Pancreatic Cancer UK

email: nurse@pancreaticcancer.org.uk

support line: 0808 801 0707