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life is so hard


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hi all ,

wanted to come on and say what i'm feeling at the moment...........

where do i start....as you know my dad passed away from p/c 6 months ago that was very hard and still is every day without him he was my rock......... now my best friend of 9 years has the same thing and has been told 3 months tops left..... what can i do i'm feeling like everything with dad has come flooding back and them feelings i had then are as strong now if not stronger then what they were back then.... i'm also torn in two of what to say because she keeps asking me to tell her how bad it is going to be for her family and is wanting me with her at the end I can't do it i feel so ashamed in saying this but i can't go through that again, i watched my dad i can't watch my best friend go that way aswell i am just being selfish or go along with her wishs

please help


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Oh Pauline, I'm so very, very sorry to hear the news about your friend and that you're having so much difficulty.

I can see that it's all become one huge issue for you and, being so emotionally invested as you are, that's completely understandable, but it makes it insurmountable. We don't do ourselves any favours, do we? By breaking this down into component parts you can, and will, cope beautifully with this terribly difficult situation.

First, your Dad and your feelings about his passing away. It's only six months ago and you're bound to feel that there is an empty hole in your life. It's still very early days. Right now, it's still about coping each day. Time doesn't heal the wounds but it does make them less painful and eventually you'll be able to think back and remember the happy times you spent with Dad without the raw pain. How long "eventually" takes to arrive is ultimately down to you - If you give yourself permission to grieve, it will be quicker than if you try to carry on as though nothing has happened. Remember you're allowed to feel sad and to talk about your feelings. If you think you're depressed then either speak to your GP or get in touch with one of the bereavement support services - I think Macmillan run something of this sort and there's always Cruse. They can help.

Your friend wants to know how bad it is going to be for her family. The truth is that you don't know. Every individual is different. My grandmother died of cancer, sleeping peacefully in her own bed without the aid of morphine or other strong drugs. My mother's passing (cancer again) was very different - in hospital with considerable doses of morphine and it wasn't peaceful at all. Whatever the circumstances, it's incredibly difficult to watch your loved ones deteriorate. Additionally, though, your friend's family are not you - every one of us has their own way of dealing with traumatic events and you can't say how they will react. One member of my family just stays right out of the mix. It's not that they don't care, just that they can't cope with watching. Others want to be there. The whole thing is very individual and you can't predict it.

Being there at the end: I can understand why your friend asked but it's not selfish of you to say that you can't. Saying "no" is one of the things that human beings are very bad at and we often take on too much because of it. One of the disadvantages of "polite society" is that we're made to feel we have to do everything we're asked, even if it's difficult or detrimental to our own health (mental or physical). If the thought of saying no to your friend face to face is too much then you need to find another way to do it. On the phone, or whatever works for you. Simply explain that you're still having trouble coming to terms with your Dad's passing and that you tihnk being with her at the end will be too much to bear. Go on to say that you find it very difficult to say no and you love her dearly but you don't think you can cope because of the feelings it will bring up.

Well, there I go, waffling away again. At least you know my thoughts are with you and I'm praying that you're given the strength to cope with these incredibly traumatic times. Do keep in touch with us all and let us know how you're doing from time to time.

Much love

Nicki xx

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