Thanks for sharing your experiences . . .

[Proud Wife]

Well congratulations Mo, you've finally realised it's all your fault. About time too.

Hope today is a better day for you all.

Much love xx

[Justamo]

Thanks for that Proud Wife. Due, no doubt to my Convent education I carry a shed load of guilt around with me, so a bit more won't hurt. I must say I am impressed by our DN. I just hinted that I could do with some support re the driving thing, and I got an e-mail, by return, (so stiff that it almost bent our internet connection) to tell Peter that driving was out of the question until (a) the DVLA were notified of the diabetes and (b) our GP agreed that it would be OK.

I have had a weekend off from posting. I just frittered away the time doing frivolous girl things like cooking, and washing, and ironing and stuff. And I did some boy things too, like checking over the cars and gardening. My Patient has got over the driving thing meantime, ("Look, you can't drive. Now Get Over It"), but it hasn't sweetened his outlook much and once or twice he's been at the kicking the furniture stage. The trick, I learned a long time ago from watching Yummy Mummies wearing leather trousers in Tesco, is to distract them before a tantrum starts with a bag of crisps or, if another Yummy Mummy is watching, Something Healthy from the fruit and veg aisle. Sadly it doesn't really work on 84 year-olds, but fortunately he drops off to sleep the minute his derriere hits an armchair and the news is on the telly. Thank the Lord for the 24-hour BBC News channel.

We saw his GP today. Nice man, very very kind, and quite concerned that whatever decisions Peter makes are all his own, and not because he's been pushed one way or another. I really should get out more, because Exhibit A was an Excel spreadsheet I had prepared showing the ups and downs of Peter's glucose levels. It's very pretty, and means a lot more to Peter than mere numbers, but it occurred to me today that in a crisis I revert to type and produce a spreadsheet to deal with it. Isn't that sad ? Perhaps it says more about me that it does about Peter. Anyway, the doctor looked at it (upside down) and sort of mumbled a bit, but he's told Peter to complete the DVLA forms and submit them and he will reply to them when they contact him. We were hoping that he would have the results from the last procedure but there wasn't really anything except the news that Peter's CEA Marker is 150. We are due to see Mr XXX at the end of this month so I'm trying to put it out of both of our heads until ten minutes before the appointment time.

Today Peter was 10st 4lbs. Good eh ? He was 9st on 15th September. I have several secret weapons: mascarpone ice cream, egg yolks in everything, cream in everything else, and if possible both egg yolks and cream. My latest weapon, which may well appear on WikiLeaks soon, is porridge. You can buy little pots of the stuff for about 70p and you have to add boiling water and stir, or you can buy a packet of rolled oats for about £1 (which makes 15 portions) and add boiling water and stir and stick it in the microwave for about 5 minutes. If you're smart, you add mostly milk and top it up with water. Then shove some fruit on top or sprinkle some cinnamon in it. Move over Delia, Mo's in town.

He got lost today. I left him at the golf club while I went to Tesco and when I got back he wasn't there. I checked everywhere, his phone was switched off, and I could picture him lying in the big bunker at the 18th hole having a hypo. I hunted and swore and hunted and swore a bit more, and then he sheepishly appeared from the greenkeepers' hut where he had been 'chatting and forgot the time'.

We drove home in silence but he made a peace offering by volunteering to wash up so all is forgiven.

I went to the gym early today but the pool was stuffed full of badly-behaved children because it's half-term holidays here. I only stayed for half an hour so tomorrow I'll go a bit later. I really miss my daily swim and it's becoming a luxury these days.

If you had told me one month ago that I would have been cursing Peter for going AWOL I wouldn't have believed you. He was yellow and thin and anaemic, and struggled to go up and down stairs. Just treating the undiagnosed diabetes has made a huge difference and he is now fit enough to have a hissy fit, which is where we came in . . . . . . .

Take care all of you,

Love, Mo

[Proud Wife]

Shame on you Mo. You forgot the egg yolk in peters porridge. Add a bit off cream as well for good measure and hey presto, porridge and scrambled eggs in one. Yum!

[Justamo]

No, PW. Not yum. Yuck.

X

[Ruthus]

Excellent news that he has gained weight. Good work Mo. It's amazing that treating the diabetes can make such a huge difference to wellbeing. I know uncontrolled diabetes can make people feel very unwell. I have porridge most mornings and full fat everything. I like the creamy activia yoghurts.

Keep on going and hope you get a quiet swim soon.

Ruth xx

[Dandygal76]

Dear Mo,

I think that sometimes a weekend off or more from this forum is just the ticket. Also, as far as I am aware, from my very ignorant non religious perspective, I thought you did not have to worry about guilt... a few Hail Mary's and a bit of confession and all of the dilemmas and guilt will disappear in a puff of smoke. (please kick me if I am being to facetious)

My only experience in GP's is that of my own. Since childhood i have been part of a really well established sort of country practice. We are really blessed on this front (and mum working for them). But even before mum worked for them, they were great, same day appointments and the doctors... well I know I moan about the NHS but I have had a few occasions I took my little ones (when they were still properly little) to the dr only for a knock on my door at 7 in the evening to check they are okay. I walked in there when dad was diagnosed and got seen immediately. I said I thought they had let us down and I was taken through everything they did and the case conference notes they had that they 'missed it' (of course they didn't - it is the nature of the beast). I said to the doctor that day, I need to go because I am holding everyone up and he said me... 'Leigha.. you are the most important person I will see today'

And now look at me, I am clogging up your thread like Marmalade's that time

It is easy for them to say that it needs to be the patient that makes the decision and they need to make sure it is the patient decision but actually the patient decision cannot be made in that moment of knowledge being fired at them under the circumstance. I really wish there was some proper medical / emotional counselling available to people with terminal illness. How the hell would any of us negotiate through all this cr*p in their shoes.

I also love spreadsheets... you should be an auditor!

I also do not know what CEA marker is.. I can see from google but is it the CA19-9? If so then that is slightly high but you can only view it in terms of trends from previous. It does suggest metastatic disease from my immature research.

Fab weight gain as well. Is he still looking towards the op? If Ca19-9 is high then to me, that does suggest your next scan may show it is beyond this now.

I should be in bed... sleep is always good. x

xxx

Edited October 19, 2016 by Dandygal76

[Guest]

Brilliant, news about Peters weight. Top job Mo xxx

[sandraW]

Its great that Peter has put so much weight on, I know the type 2 diabetes made Trevor feel so unwell too, glad that you have the cream down to a fine art. love sandrax xx

[Proud Wife]

Just a reall quickie as I'm in the thick of it, DG I've texted you re the brilliant news.

CEA is an additional marker. I think from memory it's a common breast cancer marker or something like that but can (and I say "can", only "can) also indicate progression or cancer activity in pancreatic cancer patients. I saw hubby's CEA markers increasing proportionally with his CA19-9 markers. However, I have no idea what the normal range without seeking out hubby's results which will be impossible currently as the house is upside down. xxx

[Justamo]

Just had a phone call from my darling cousin to tell me that she has been diagnosed with Oesophageal Cancer, and probably can't have surgery because of a heart condition. She is a doctor herself, although in a very different field (she is a Professor of Psychiatry) and says she has forgotten all her medicine and could I research it for her. She doesn't do computers, and since she's retired she doesn't have lots of students about to do it for her.

So I've spent a couple of hours with Doctor Google and looked at all the sensible sites, and my spirits dropped a bit more with every web page. And not a single site like ours, with crisp, accurate and pertinent advice, all backed up by our lovely supportive and knowledgeable nurses and all of you feisty forum members.

I'll post her all the printouts first thing in the morning.

God, how I hate cancer. In all its shapes and forms.

Love,

Mo

[Guest]

Hi Mo,

I'm sorry to hear this and of course all cases are different but I know two people with the same cancer who have done really well so I hope that despite the heart problem some treatment can be given. Thinking of you as always xxxx

M xx

[Veema]

It's grim isn't it...but like Marmalade says everyone is different, she may do really well. This is the cancer that Nige's mum died of, but she did leave it really late before she went to the doctor, so it was too late for any sort of treatment.

Huge hugs...we're facing similar poor prognosis with my auntie's cancer.

Vx

[Dandygal76]

Hi Mo

I am so sorry you are having to deal with your cousin's cancer as well, what an absolute blow.

I have just looked it up as well (sorry, can't help myself!) and it is very similar to PC in that it tends to get found in the late stages as well. It is a minefield on information. So, is it at a stage to be operable otherwise. I do so feel sorry for people with heart conditions that limit their treatments even further in such already difficult circumstances.

I cannot remember when you said but I thought your were both going to see the surgeon soon? Has there been a result from that yet? I also do hope that Peter and Boris are on reasonable form and not causing you any unnecessary grief in their endeavors.

Much love to you my lovely.

xxx

[Dandygal76]

Darling Mo.. you seem very quiet. I hope everything is okay. x

[Justamo]

What lovely messages. I haven't been online for a day or two, because: Men get Flu, children get the Sniffles, and women Get On With It. (And cats, by the way, get a thumping great bill from the Vet) So I've Got On With It with a roll of kitchen paper permanently at my side, spluttering through the most disgusting cold you can imagine (one of those lovely wet ones) and feeling like the wrath of God. It started immediately after my flu jab last Wednesday (and which also, incidentally, gave me a lump the size of an egg on my arm and was intensely painful for a couple of days). Never had that before. Don't want it again, either. All shelveable jobs were shelved and I just slobbed about, wheezing and dripping like a tap, and only paid attention to really serious things like making sure the two men in my life were fed.

Well, My Patient was up and about early this morning because we had to take his beloved car into the bodyshop for major surgery to its back end. He bade a tender goodbye to his baby and watched anxiously as a mechanic with a large hole in his ear (intentional, I think) drove it away to the nether regions of the workshop for a pre-med. Then we went to fix up the hire car (paid for by The Clot's insurance company) and it will be delivered this afternoon. So My Patient took my car up to the Golf Club, "Just for ten minutes," an hour or so ago and I daresay that if I checked right now I would see him on the practice fairway swinging a club around and swearing a lot. You will gather that he is feeling well and happy, and that we've got his blood sugar fairly well levelled out.

We saw the DN at the clinic on Friday, and he was very pleased with Peter's progress. We're all aware that by its very nature we can't actually control this diabetes, but we can help some of the extreme highs and lows which have affected his wellbeing and general mood, and as Peter has gained more weight we seem to be heading in the right direction. 10st 8lbs today. Just a bit different from 9st on 15th September. I have been dishing out extra creons if it's a protein heavy or fatty meal and although it's largely guesswork the fact that he's gaining must be good. He's been extremely co-operative about eating extra stuff and pigging out on Forbidden Food; probably because I put him on the 5/2 diet at the beginning of the year because he was too fat.

BY the way, the DVLA rule is that you have to report to them if you become insulin dependent. You can drive thereafter if your doctor doesn't forbid it, and eventually the DVLA will get back to you with official permission to get behind the wheel, unless you intend driving one of those huge lorries which travel across continents. Unfortunately, the DVLA are about 17 weeks behind with their correspondence at present so we might as well whistle rather than watch the post.

Boris is well and extremely happy, because I have been confined to barracks for a few days which means he gets more attention. Apart from suicidal tendencies** he is fine.

We are due to see the Bogeyman, sorry, the Surgeon, tomorrow and no doubt he will wipe the smile off our faces. I see the poor man as a harbinger of doom and if he told me the time I would check it with my watch. If you lose confidence in somebody it stays lost. That, no doubt, says more about me that it does about him, but I can't forget the extreme volte-face when the Gas Lady challenged him. Peter now completely understands that as it is HIS body he has the final say about who does what to it, but again he is of the generation (like me) that treats doctors and misters like little tin gods and gratefully acquiesce to any suggestion, no matter how silly it sounds.

I printed out reams of stuff for my lovely cousin, who received it all on Friday and rang me. "It doesn't sound too good", she said. I told her to wait until her cancer had been staged, and a care plan was in place, and then I would look at more specific information for her. And I urged her, very strongly, to get in touch with MacMillan for support for herself and her partner. What is it with professionals ? Do they think that asking for help is admitting ignorance or something ? Cousin is a very respected professor in her branch of medicine, but she hasn't seen a drop of blood for the last 40 years or more. And we all know how quickly things move on. Her partner is pretty shattered too, and all she can say is "That makes all four of us who've had cancer now". (She had breast cancer some years ago).

Have to stop now, Tiger Woods has just got back from the Golf Club and Needs Feeding !

love Mo

I will edit this for typing mistakes later on.

** Suicidal tendencies as in leaping over the banisters and forgetting that there's a flight of stairs on the other side. 1 life down, only 8 to go.

[Guest]

All good news Mo, you are doing an incredible job. Don't forget to reward yourself occasionally, some little treat or a bit of time off if there is a friend who can caddie for Tiger ha ha. I'm having my first ever nail extensions tomorrow just for no reason Lots of love M xx

[Justamo]

Had our long-awaited appointment with Mr XXXX today, hereinafter referred to as Bogeyman.

He was able to tell us absolutely nothing. The two procedures involving tubes shoved down Peter's throat have revealed nothing helpful; he has no answers about the left adrenal gland being enlarged and started to talk about 'revisiting some earlier scans'. He didn't mention the Operation word and neither did we, although I think he has grasped that we don't want a lot of heroic stuff going on in his operating theatre. He did say that he would refer us to an oncologist - I think we should have seen a cancer specialist almost at the beginning of this - and when I asked him about the distressing night sweats which have started quite recently he had nothing to offer, although he did say he would ask them to do a thyroid check. Prompted by me he also agreed to check for anaemia. Despite having written it down I completely forgot to ask about the CEA figure of 150, but I'll save that for the oncologist.

So Mr Bogeyman spent twenty minutes or so telling us nothing. He also had a bit of a pop at the Consultant Anaesthetist who refused to take part in the Whipples Op. "Perhaps a little over-cautious", he said.

So our opinion of Mr Bogeyman has fallen by another couple of points and as before I sincerely hope that I never have to see him again. Perhaps we'll be able to have confidence in the oncologist - I hope so. I feel as though I don't really trust any of them now. Except for the Consultant Anaesthetist - I though she was terrific and transparently honest.

So we salvaged the remains of the day by going out in the hire car. It's a nasty, buzzy little thing but it made a change for Peter to drive and the weather was spectacular. Utterly gorgeous and bitterly cold - never above 5 degrees and quite often 0 or 2 degrees, brilliant blue sky and comparatively few tourists around so it was nice. We treated ourselves to lunch out, then called in at the showroom where I used to work to catch up with mates before tootling off home to a less than rapturous welcome from Boris who was thoroughly miffed at being abandoned for the day. He is stalking about radiating Attitude at the moment, but there's some cold chicken in the fridge and Boo will sell his soul for chicken so he'll get over it.

And speaking of Boo, Peter tried to kill him this evening. We've changed his mattress (Peter's, not Boo's) back to the new one which had temporarily been removed in case it was causing night sweats, so at one stage we had two unwieldy mattresses in the upstairs hallway. Peter disposed of the redundant one by heaving it over the banisters and there was a fairly muffled squawk when it hit the deck below. I hurtled down the stairs expecting to find a flat cat, but fortunately it had missed Boris who was outraged - he had been sleeping in the patch of sun by the front door and the mattress had invaded his space and missed him by about an inch. That's another life accounted for.

I'm DEFINITELY off to the gym tomorrow. It's my aquarobics class and I'm missing my mates. I've also gained weight but that must be by osmosis and not food because I haven't eaten a THING apart from threequarters of a lettuce leaf and half a tomato. But they were stored next to a tub of creamy cheese in the fridge, so I expect some calories just hopped across into my miserable few rations. My Patient was 10st 8lbs today ! Brilliant.

It's so nice that V and Marmalade and other loners stay on this forum. It must be hard for them but I for one benefit from their experience and knowledge. And plain common sense.

Love, Mo

[Guest]

Hi Mo, Sorry about the Bogeyman, you can and should ask for a second opinion or simply to see another doctor. My daughter tells me it is very common to do this and no one thinks its at all odd, its important that you have faith in your medical advisors. Speak to your specialist nurse about how to do this. As I have said before, the surgeons and the intervention radiologists do not have care of the patient before or after their bit so many look only at what it is technically possible for them to do.

In our case the oncologist was appalling (district hospital) and I am still speaking to the authorities about him, that aside, he told us that he could give chemotherapy, it may extend life by 4 to 6 months and that we should consider what the likely effect would be on a person with multiple complex conditions, particularly heart and the quality of the time he had left. All perfectly correct.

Well, to be honest Louis didn't really want to go anyway so his decision was easy, he'd had a belly full of hospitals and did not see the point of putting himself through misery for 6 months to gain 6 months and then do it all again maybe. Very personal choice. From what you say, Peter seems much fitter than Louis was at this point, he certainly couldn't have lifted a mattress or played golf, too weak, heart shot to bits, although his weight was good. I am very encouraged that chemo might be an option for Peter and give him a very much better outcome. I am a bit appalled that you are only just being referred to an oncologist and want to rant against the delays in the NHS and the apparent inability to run appointments and consultations in parallel.

Yes, yes, yes, do go to the gym! Do something normal and fun, its very easy to get grumpy when there are no diversions and take it out on yourself or the patient, or the cat in your case!

Much love

M xx

[Guest]

Hi Mo,

Hope you got to the gym and that you are over the lurgy with which you were afflicted at the beginning of the week. Don't feel you have to post, I just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you and sending you a hug xx

M xx

[Justamo]

A hug, just when I needed one.

A grotty sort of day, mostly because Peter came home at lunchtime really pleased with himself; he had been on the practice fairway and had hit 40 golf balls more or less successfully. He'd had a brilliant morning, his confidence was back, and then I went and ruined it all by checking his blood which was 4.1.

So once again I had to be the Bad Cop, and point out that he shouldn't have been driving at all, and that if he had been stopped he would have had his licence removed immediately, and probably permanently. I said all this while shoveling jelly babies down his throat with one hand and pouring his soup with the other hand and smelling the bacon under the grill catch fire behind me. Just to help, Boris was copiously and noisily sick (on the sisal mat - you try getting cat sick out of a straw mat and let me know how you get on) because he had stolen the bacon rinds while I was attending to My Patient.

FIVE TO DRIVE. FIVE TO DRIVE. How many more times ? No, he didn't check his blood before he got behind the wheel. Because he was absolutely fine, that's why. He didn't feel shaky. He was perfectly alright and I was just being stupid. As usual. I have told him over and over that he must 'load up' with carbs BEFORE he takes any additional exercise. I have supplied breakfast bars for that very purpose. I have put breakfast bars in every pocket of every jacket. I have even supplied a suitably up-market box to keep in his locker at the golf club so that he is not humiliated by pulling out a box of Tesco Basics or whatever in front of his pals. (Because he's a snob, that's why). Why is it that a friend's six-year old daughter manages her diabetes with a damn sight more skill than Peter ? Because she does what she's told, that's why. And I'm just nagging.

So I think I'll ask his DN to take him gently buy the throat and explain, again, what he must do to minimise risks to himself and others. I have offered up a Novena to St Jude (Patron Saint of Hopeless Causes) and it's made no difference. Notes and biscuits in pockets hasn't helped. Biscuits in locker hasn't helped. This Head in the Sand routine will have to be stopped. Forthwith. Before one of us throws a real tantrum about it.

Tonight he has gone to a meeting at the club and without being prompted he picked up his little bag containing blood monitor thingy, and all the associated impedimenta including jelly babies to take with him. But will he use it ? I am now considering staking out the Golf Club car park to check but perhaps that's a step too far.

Really, though, I am thanking God that he is able to go out and about at all. Re-reading my early posts, when he was first diagnosed and felt properly ill, I am thankful that he is enjoying these days and able to live an almost normal life. He's had some pain this week, but the painkillers do the trick fairly quickly, and despite his best efforts we've kept his blood sugar pretty level every day which makes him feel better than when it was swooping up and down.

I am also trying to cut my posts down to a reasonable size. Trouble is, once I start dumping my miseries on all of you I just can't stop.

And thanks, Marmalade, I got rid of my cold, managed my class on Wednesday, and got a swim on Thursday. Next week I really will try to get my daily exercise in, it makes a huge difference to my own pain levels and morale. I now have an evening off, I'm going to get a couple of hours in my study with paper and paint and stuff so that I should be in a better frame of mind by the time Peter comes home. (Provided that he has a sensible blood sugar level that is . . . . )

Take care

Love, Mo

[sandraW]

Well I for one love your posts so dump away.

Men eh! if it was the other way round, you would do all the checks necessary, wouldn't you? but not men they are their own worst enemies, but its great to hear that Peter is feeling better regardless.

How is poor Boris, I hope he has recovered too and that you had a good couple of hours being creative, take care love sandrax xx

[Justamo]

Thank you, Sandra, for enquiring after Boris. He is absolutely fine and currently asleep inside the quilt cover on my bed. He frequently gets thrown across the room when I go to make the bed because I don't realise that he is inside the cover, I assume that he's underneath, but it doesn't seem to do him any harm and certainly doesn't put him off going to bed. He has a radiator 'nest', his own bed inside the airing cupboard with a cat flap in the door, a cushion on the sofa and another cushion next to the radiator in the lounge. But he wants to sleep in my bed. Until he finds somewhere better, that is.

Good News and Bad News: Bad News - Peter has, of course, caught the nasty cold I had at the beginning of this week and is making the most of it. He doesn't have a temperature but is feeling quite sorry for himself. Don't blame him. It's a short, nasty virus that's going about and he's had to cancel his own flu jab which was this morning.

The Good News is that we at last have an appointment with a Proper Doctor. An Oncologist, which is who I wanted to see right at the very beginning. Next Friday, 4th November. The consultations are held within the MacMillan Suite at our hospital, so there will be other resources there too which can only be helpful.

I rang my lovely cousin this morning; she is having a CT scan for her esophageal cancer on Monday and sees a surgeon on Wednesday. She's fairly stoic; being a doctor she's more used to inflicting pain that being on the receiving end but she'd be the first to tell you that she hasn't seen a drop of blood or a plaster cast for 40 years or more so her medicine is completely out of date. Her partner has also had cancer (breast) but has been clear for 10 years or more, and they have been in touch with MacMillan who have been very helpful.

Cold and cloudy today, so the garden can remain untidy while I get on with indoors stuff. Hope you're all OK. Feel so sorry for poor Autumn and she's on my mind this morning.

Love, Mo

[Guest]

Post away Mo, it's what the forum is for and we love your posts because they are honest and witty and exactly how it is. I think you tell Peter off but you know so well how important it is for him to have these good days at the golf course. He does love you and is not trying to annoy you he is just trying to be independent. He is also a man so struggles with taking advice!

At last an oncologist! Fantastic and Peter is so much better now so I'm hoping he can offer something Peter can cope with.

Glad about the gym and time out. You need diversions too, you need to be in tip top condition to look after Peter and cope with the worry.

I wish you a peaceful night and will Put in a word for you both at mass tomorrow xxx

[Dandygal76]

Hey Mo,

I have just had a catch up with your thread and your new nemesis Mr Bogeyman. Hopefully that will be the last you see of him! I also did see your issue re night sweats and did google it at the time until I was caught by the other half who had a strop because I was trying to be cancer talk free for the week and may have slipped on occasion. Anyway, I saw this page...

http://www.sweatology.net/night-sweats/night-sweat-and-cancer/

It gives some herbal solutions and you know I am in to all that stuff!

It does sound positive that your cousin will be seeing a surgeon. I can imagine that the type of cancer though has varied complications. The esophagus just seems such a front line cancer if that makes sense, a bit like lung cancer and breathing. Not that any cancer is okay but I hope you get what I mean and I hope your cousin does not suffer on the daily front.

It seems you are just stuck in that waiting game on so many fronts. I really hope you have a good meeting with the oncologist. I do not understand consultants like Mr Bogeyman... how has it helped you both to know the anesthetist may have been a little over cautious. Is buoying up his own view of things more important that the mental health of his patient.

I am glad Peter is out and about, however naughty he is around it all. You need to hold onto these times because things can change around the pesky chemo for PC. The routines can be brutal but you have a wealth of experience on here to help you through.

I think making sure you get to the gym and doing stuff for you is so important. It will give you the strength to help Peter through these times.

Let us know how it goes with the oncologist and be prepared for the fact some of them are not that great. I dearly hope you get a good one but just be prepared either way for your meeting. The last thing you both need is to walk out and not have the solutions you both desire. xxx

[Justamo]

Thanks DG. I'm glad you've taken a week 'off' from cancer. You are actively campaigning for appropriate treatment for your dad, whereas I seem to be rejecting treatment (i.e. surgery) for Peter. I suppose I am rejecting treatment really; I just want him to be peaceful and calm and dignified (that's another pig just flown past the window); I know that's Mission Impossible on Planet PC but Marmalade and Louis had a stab at it and made a pretty good job of things by the sound of it.

Peter is not a patient Patient. He is not good at hospitals and waiting rooms and bossy nurses; he will flirt with the pretty ones (yes, I know that's Neanderthal, but bear with us for now) and he hates doctor-speak. In fact he goes almost completely silent at any sort of medical consultation and I am waiting for somebody to ask me, "Does he take sugar?" And this is a man who had two heart attacks 50 (yes, fifty) years ago. In those days you stayed in bed for six weeks and had at least six months off work and people were collecting for a wreath as soon as you were admitted to the Heart Ward. Things have changed since then and now you can usually get your heart attack over with in a weekend and are ejected from the Cardiac Unit tout suite. It was grim determination which got him back to fitness in those days, and the same determination got him through major spinal surgery 25 years ago. He did every exercise demanded of him, went through punishing physiotherapy, attended the gym daily and put every ounce of effort into his recovery. And recover he did.

But people mellow over the years. Which is why, above all, I just want peace and quiet for him. If he wanted to fight for survival, believe me I would be fighting alongside, in front of, and behind him. Eaxctly as DG is doing for her Dad. But after 42 years together I know, deep down, that Peter is winding down. When I had cancer I gave up. At one stage I wanted no more of it and he did my fighting for me; he drove me to daily radiotherapy and frogmarched me into the department. 'Giving up' is not in Peter's vocabulary. But I sense that this time things are different; he is detached from the consultations we have had, and even when talking to his GP, somebody he likes and knows well, he doesn't really engage in the conversation.

I'm sure the various medical professionals we have seen, especially Mr Bogeyman, think that I do all the talking in this partnership. Actually, I don't. It's just that Peter is pretending that they aren't there and that this Thing will go away, so somebody has to respond to their questions.

This afternoon our Priest called in to see him. Priest used to be a nurse, although that was quite a long time ago and medical things move on with frightening speed. He and Peter agreed that 'a couple of years' would be fine, and if chemo could supply that then they would both be satisfied with the outcome. Priest cannot understand the insulin regime and is horrified at 5 injections a day, and Peter was able to explain it fairly accurately which means that at least some of what DN and I have said has sunk in.

So really we are just ticking over. I am given to understand that there are two gastric cancer consultants at our hospital: one is into aggressive chemotherapy and the other isn't. It's luck of the draw which one we get, and in any case the stories may be wrong. Neither of them can be worse than Mr Bogeyman and thanks to this forum I am a little more informed than I was at the beginning of all this.

I am grateful for the link DG and I'll have a look at it. Once I've cleared my desk which is now invisible beneath 50 wonderful ideas that I've had over the past 3 months and started but not finished. But his morning I found a letter dated 7th July, so I must be nearing the bottom of the heap by now.I definitely cleared it all up at the end of June. Or was it April ? Today has been a good day, yesterday is history and tomorrow is a mystery. So it's time I stopped being all literary, got on with the washing up (nothing like an oven tray to bring you down to earth) and cleaned the cat's litter tray. I get all the good jobs.

And again, at risk of being boring, thanks to everybody on the forum. Your support is invaluable. It's too easy to bore the pants off people by talking about cancer, but this forum is my 'safe place' where I know I can witter on without fear of impatience or criticism. I think !

Have a good week folks.

Love, Mo