Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

[Proud Wife]

Worst day today by far. Went alone for a hospital appointment. Didn't have such a great time. Came home alone. Came home to an empty house. And here I've been all afternoon, alone, feeling terribly sad and probably sorry for myself. All I want is a hug and for hubby to tell me it will all be okay but that's never going to happen. Therefore the tears are flowing and will no doubt continue to flow today. He used to take me there. He used to park the car and wait for me. He used to bring me home and make me a cup of tea. I was the ill one, not him. Or so we thought. Silly little things that I'm perfectly capable of doing myself but oh boy do I want him to do them for me today. xxx

[Guest]

Oh my poor PW,

How I wish I could come to you. In time I think you will organise to go with a friend or member of the family but this is all new isn't it? You have a good cry darling and then think of a treat for yourself, I sometimes look at last minute breaks or craft or activity breaks, I may never go but it is a diversion and who knows, maybe I will go one day.

I can't be with you but I am with you in spirit and will have you in my heart while I am keeping my vigil.

Much love M xx

[Proud Wife]

Thank you M xx

Oh my word. Great minds think alike. You won't believe what I've gone and done. Only booked myself a dream holiday. Something to look forward to. Heading over to your side now to see the latest on how Louis is doing.....see you in a mo xx

[Dandygal76]

PW, I hope you are okay. I have not been on FB at all. I am moving out of our village and away from my dad this week and moving is stressful without leaving them alone. On top of dad scan on weds it is hard. I will get PCUK to send my e-mail address or ask them for it. x

[Proud Wife]

DG, you concentrate on moving my lovely. I haven't even found somewhere yet but I know the stress! I'm here if you need me but don't worry about FB or coming on here, you've got enough on your plate. I will have fingers and toes crossed for your Dad that his scan on Wednesday is a great one.xxx

[Guest]

Ooh, so pleased you've chosen a break. I think I will do the same as all this emotion is exhausting. My daughter calls them fly and flop holidays, that's what I want, I can do culture another time. Big loves xx

[Proud Wife]

Or if you don't want to fly I have a wonderful alternative for you. However,that's chat for another day over on messenger! xxx

[Dandygal76]

PW, how are things? I think a holiday would be great... have you booked that cruise? x

[Proud Wife]

Having problems shaking off such feelings of sadness. I can't describe how I miss him. It's like you wrote over on M's thread, you want that special person to make things right but it's the loss of that special person who's causing the hurt and you can't do a single thing about it.

Good luck for tomorrow DG, thinking of you xxx

[Dandygal76]

Pw.. I just wrote such a long message from this phone and lost it. I will message you on here or private tom. One day at a time

.. all you can do right now is keep putting one foot on front of the other x

[Proud Wife]

Happened to me so I know that feeling! Learned to keep messages brief when typing on phone which I'm doing now. All I wanted to say was concentrate on tomorrow first, there will be plenty of time to talk later on in the week. Your dad and his scan tomorrow is priority but bless you for caring. Thank you sweetheart. Xx

Sleep tight xx

[Proud Wife]

Its been a month since I last posted here and thought I'd update whilst it's far too hot to sit in garden!

Generally, I'm amazed at how well I'm coping. As long as I keep myself busy and don't stop and think, I get by. Of course I have my moments and they can hit at any time and for any reason.

The thing I find hardest to deal with is when I do allow myself to think about hubby, all I think about is his dying hours and the two only occasions throughout this whole ordeal that hubby cried at his situation. Twice in 14 months is incredible. I can cry twice in 14 minutes. When these thoughts enter my head, I ask myself why am I thinking those thoughts, think of good memories because that's what he would want but I simply cannot stop myself. It's as though I'm trying to punish myself because he's dead and I'm still here.

Had a major breakdown last week though. Hubby's wishes were that I bury his ashes at sea from a cruise ship ASAP after his death. Now before he got ill and as his wife, I tried for years to find out his wishes "in case of", he always said feed me to the sharks. Eventually I squeezed "cremation" out of him. I don't know if ashes at sea was another flippant comment or not but it's given me a massive moral dilemma.

I want to respect his wishes and do exactly what he told me to do. When I first brought the ashes home, they FREAKED me out and was happy to do as he asked. Now, I get so much comfort from them. I feel as though he's still with my son and I, albeit in a different form but those ashes are literally all that remains of his physical body and I can't get rid. I talk to them, I stroke the box, I hold and look at the box. As I was ordering a biodegradable urn, I suddenly broke down in tears and could not stop crying for days. It suddenly dawned on me that I couldn't fulfill his wishes. Now I'm not sure if that is his way of saying keep them and don't take his comments literally - my reaction amazed me as I was quite pragmatic about how I was going to do it. Even if it's not him, I am torn. Do I keep them and keep myself happy or do I keep him happy by burying at sea and then be without the one thing that keeps me sane?

For now, I'm not going to do anything, after all it's only 3 months since he passed. I hope what I should do with them becomes clearer in the future.

Love to each and every one on this horrible, horrible journey, on both sides of the divide. xxx

[Dandygal76]

I think it is wise to keep them for now, it is not something you can change your mind about later if you scatter them but this way round your choices remain open until you are in a better place to decide. Everything you have ever said about your lovely husband just portrays that he cares more about what you need right now to get through and I doubt very much that your actions would make him unhappy. I can't believe it has been 3 months already. x

[Proud Wife]

Because he's not here to tell me "I love you" anymore, being an insecure type of person (believe it or not!) I need that reassurance. Something told me to go upstairs to a certain place and I found the anniversary card he gave me one month to the day before he died, that I'd put away for very safe keeping. I read those words over and over again until my eyes were so blurry, I couldn't read them any more. It gave me all the reassurance I needed. His last words were "Whatever happens in the future, I will be with you, wherever you are". I strongly believe he directed my upstairs.

I look at his photos and think it's been so long now since I saw you/spoke to you/felt you. I hope the immense feelings of sadness will fade in time. Until then, I just try to make the best of each day because that's what he would want me to do and 9 times of out 10 I succeed.

Much love x

[Veema]

PW...have you thought about ashes to glass? They take a teaspoon or so of them and put them into jewellery or a paperweight ir something...that way you could keep a little bit of him close to you and do what he wanted with the rest. I've looked at this and I think this is what I'll do.

Much love

Vx

[Dandygal76]

He is with you and he loves you dearly. Whatever decision you make that is right for you will be right for him. You are doing amazingly well for you and your son, you have done him proud PW. x

[Guest]

PW, I am with you, I feel what you feel, the insecurity, the confusion and fear and I miss the hugs and cuddles so very much. Be brave sweetie, we will be able to move forward in time and all will be well but for now just let those tears come xxx

[Proud Wife]

It seems this roller coaster of an experience still continues on the other side of the divide.

No sooner had I come to a decision regarding scattering of the ashes (Marmalade, typical example of loss of confidence) another issue causes concern and this one not solved quite so easily.

I've noticed over the past few week (maybe several - time goes by so quickly) my son can't talk about his dad anymore. Looking at photos is a no no and he runs a mile from my latest hobby - putting together photos into a video format that I can watch when I am feeling lonely.

Apart from the fact that I need to talk about him constantly (and I have no-one else that I can bore on my favourite subject for more than 5 minutes) I am really worried. I have kept the memory of my mum and dad alive for almost 20 years now by constantly talking about them and reminiscing. I feel - no, that's wrong - I want to do the same, if not more with hubby. I also can't share any stories from this forum with him, he can't cope with the sadness. I suppose his way of dealing with this is just to blank it out. I did that when my mum and dad died, just put up a wall and got on with life because I had to as a working mum with a young child. I didn't have time to mourn as such. I can see my son doing the same but he's 15 years younger than I when I lost my dad. We have very little family and he doesn't have the safety net of a spouse like I did at the time.

Has anyone had similar experience and if so, what should I do if anything? I've asked if he wants to see a counselor but he says no, he's just getting on with it. Of course in normal circumstances, I would have asked hubby what to do.....

[Guest]

My lovely PW,

You got it right when you said we all grieve differently. In general I think women like to talk about their feelings and chaps don't. He needs a little space to grieve in his own way. It won't be forever but we are all like new Mums when they talk of nothing but babies.

You can't fix everything for everyone PW, just do your best xx

[Dandygal76]

I agree with Marmalade PW. My son is the same, I cannot get him to talk about my dad at all even now. He just gets busy busy and overcompensates on that busy front. He will come round after dealing with it on the path he has to tread. I am sorry I am not writing more but I am off to work and I will try later. I am doing about 90 hour weeks at the moment trying to stay on top... at least today starts with a 'workload' meeting with my bosses so hopefully it will calm down. xx

[Dandygal76]

Hey PW,

I am glad you reached a decision over the scattering of hubby's ashes. Whatever you do it will be a fitting tribute I am sure.

I think your son does need some space on things until he is ready to deal with it. Boys are funny things aren't they and they just want to pretend it is all not happening around them and just act like normal and like all is okay with the world. You doing your memory bits is lovely but he has to find his own path to tread through his ordeal and he will come back to you the lovely boy he is when he is good and ready, you know that. Perhaps do your bits whilst he is out and find a compromise. I am also a talker and I am grateful for my partner because my son hates it if I talk about it. I have to really curtail any cancer chat with him and pick my moments so I massively get it and I can really understand how hard it must be if there is not someone else you can chat to about hubby. If your son is anything like mine then what I do know is the push and want to chat the more they pull away.

You can always PM us for a chit chat. I know I have not been online much but I will keep an eye out for you.

xx

[Proud Wife]

Thank you both for your wise words. I suppose it's just my insecurities. Although he's now an adult, I still want to parent the right way and look out for him. I always had hubby to bounce off if I had any concerns and now I am sole parent. I think what you say makes perfect sense, I only hope that time will change him to a certain extent and that at some time in the future, he will be able to look fondly back at videos and photos and remember his dad for the amazingly colourful positive character that he most certainly was and not as a PC victim. xxx

[Coxylewis]

Hi I'm so sorry to read of your loss. After losing my mum I came off the boards and have struggled daily. Only now able to come back on and see these posts. The good memories will always be with you and him in your heart forever. You sent me a lovely message after my mum died and it was appreciated.

[Proud Wife]

Thank you very much Coxylewis. By virtue to the fact that you have come back here, I hope that means that your struggling is a tiny little bit less. You will always be amongst friends here.

Lots of love to all xxx

[Proud Wife]

So, back home yesterday after having done the deed. Or mission accomplished.

My son and I took a 5 day cruise from Southampton - Amsterdam and Le Havre. Hubby and I loved to cruise so it felt a little weird to take him on his final voyage....this time in hand luggage. The only way I could cope was by referring to him as precious cargo and joking about it. DG understands how a warped sense of humour gets you through things that are just too painful otherwise so I hope no-one feels that I'm being disrespectful. Hubby would have joked the same way, only that he'd have needed a much bigger suitcase to carry my remains. I think I mentioned earlier that I could not part with all his ashes. I have some put aside in a lovely canister that has an image of a sun set at sea which will remind me of where we have laid him to rest. It's also a huggable shape and weird or not, I get a lot of comfort from that.

So back to the service. It was AMAZING. Thank you very much to a wonderful captain for such a respectful send off and to the security officer for ensuring I didn't follow in the sea after the ashes by accident. He held me tightly!

We did this on day 2 when we were halfway between UK and Amsterdam. Very fitting as hubby was Dutch. We were taken to a very low deck and a wide door was opened revealing a calm sea 3/4 feet below us (which is why said security guard needed to hold on to me!). The captain said a few prayers, I then emptied the urn gently into the sea followed by a scattering of yellow rose petals and then the urn itself which was biodegradable (I'd written my very last message to hubby on the lid so I wanted it to go with him.) Present were a few crew members who knew hubby from previous cruises and of course my son who stood with his arm around me throughout. At the end of the service, I gave the captain a card with a donation to a charity of his choice in my hubby's memory. He was shocked - he said no passenger had ever done that before - so I was really pleased I did because I was not charged for the ceremony.

The nicest part of all, we were presented with a beautiful certificate giving us the exact co-oridinates of the point where hubby was finally laid to rest so that on future cruises, I only need to tell the ship and I will be told when we are passing that point again. So.......I now have a valid excuse to book as many cruises as I wish!!!!!!

On that happy note, I too am going to close this thread. Well at least for now. I will continue to support my friends here but I know this chapter has to be closed. I need to try to come to terms with my loss. I am going to print off every page in this thread and add to my memory book as it's important for me to always keep his memory alive.

In order to try to do so, I need to tell the whole wide world one last time, how much I loved that man. How proud I am to have been his wife. How much I miss him and long to feel his arms around me again.

Sleep peacefully my darling. Wait for me upstairs and in the meantime, watch over our son and I and help guide us to make the right decisions in life.

I love you HUBBERGUND. I love you LOULOU. You were and are truly the BESTEST DADDA in the world.

Until we meet again.

YOUR EXCEPTIONALLY PROUD WIFE. xxx