Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

[Proud Wife]

Please don't ask me about house hunting. I have yet to meet one single estate agent with an ounce of decency or the ability to tell the truth. Funny thing is I can see straight through their lies.

We are coping as well as can be expected thank you. I have found a coping strategy. I just imagine hubby away on business. At the moment, it's far too painful and raw to think about him dying or dead so I don't. I have photos everywhere and I talk to him as though he's in the house with me. Problem is, with my son back at work now, I talk to myself all day when at home and it's becoming a habit. I was out a few days ago and a lady said do you realise you are talking to yourself. I didn't. Not in public! I am not sure whether by refusing to accept he's died I am making the grieving process harder but it gets me through each day so that's what I shall do for now. On the odd occasion that I allow myself to consider what's happened, the pain is just to unbearable and after losing both my parents in the way that I did, I've learned how to block out things that hurt too much.

The hardest part of all for me to stomach is the thought that he wasn't ready to die. I remember him saying he wanted to do whatever was necessary to stay with my son and I for as long as possible (and this came from someone who prior to diagnosis never believed in chemo). It hurts so much that he won't be around (physically) to see my son marry and have children. Everyone else carries on with their lives but his was ended far too young. I would willingly give up my right to see him and live on my own for ever if it meant he could still be alive.

I think it will be a lot easier for me personally when we move home (this house has been so unlucky) and there are too many memories here. I know everyone is different but I think it will help for me to make a new home but take hubby with me if that makes sense? I also really don't like looking at his ashes. Hubby was such a brave strong intelligent man, I have trouble coming to terms with seeing his remains in a temporary casket in a cardboard box (I'm going back to funeral director next week to have some taken out for jewellery to me made and the rest to be put in a shattering tube). To me, it's just not dignified so the sooner I can carry out his final wish of scattering the ashes at sea from a cruise ship, the better!!

Anyhow, enough from me. To each and everyone of you on this unwelcome journey, much love xx

It's been 6 weeks today since my world was shattered

[Dandygal76]

Oh PW, you are doing great and I can't believe it has been 6 weeks already. It is nice to have you back although I do wish you never had to even be on this forum.

I am sorry the house hunting stuff is turning into a bit of a nightmare because it is the last thing you need but I am sure you will find the right place soon... don't let their scheming for commission wind you up.

I don't think most people are ready to die unless they make it into really old age PW so don't beat yourself up. I know what a bitter pill it is to have been given the PC diagnoses so young and it doesn't help but there are always those worse off. We have a woman at my sisters school who is early 30's with young daughter who has been given a terminal diagnoses. Cancer is just pants. My dad doesn't want to die... we have been cheated and we all know that. Life does carry on though and I can only imagine the pain of seeing it where you are now but the key is to remember the good times, enjoy your lovely son and don't let things become bitter. The best you can do to honour him is to live, find happiness (which will come eventually) and help your son become the man of his image that you are seeing more and more since this happened to you both. Every time I see people my dad's age smoking, drinking, overweight (not that there is anything wrong with it all or them) I can feel anger that my lovely healthy dad got this. He fought his whole life to be fit and healthy and to be there for my son. My son is 16 and my dad is his dad in every way. They are inseparable and he brought him up with me. I have the issue that my son is not given the same leeway and sympathy because it is seen as his grandad and it is hard.

And, you are not talking to yourself hun... I hope he is with you in spirit and listening to every word and laughing that you got caught chatting in public. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.... keep on chatting.

Sounds like booking that cruise would be a great idea for you. Where you thinking and can I come

Much love to you. x

[Proud Wife]

I totally agree with you DG. When I have really down and self pitying moments, I think about the 28 year old sister of a hairdresser I met who had been diagnosed with terminal bowel cancer at exactly the same as my hubby. She was given 1-2 years, hubby was given 3-6 months. She lasted only 8 months, hubby lasted 14 months so absolutely, there as so many others out there who have drawn an even shorter straw.

As to the cruise, I just don't know. My son now HATES cruising after taking so many voyages when he was younger plus of course there is no internet or telephone access whilst at sea - what 21 year old doesn't need their smart phone surgically removed! He's told me that he will come on a 2-3 night cruise but they only go as far as belgium and I'd imagined something a little bit more exciting such as the caribbean or monte carlo for example to send hubby off somewhere he'd love. So I have a dilemma, scatter ashes where I don't really want to scatter them or scatter them on my own. I don't know if it makes a difference where they are scattered as the sea will take them where the sea wants them but I'm scared I make the wrong decision and hubby won't approve.

Anyhow, there's no immediate rush and I'm sure I will find a solution. xxx

[Dandygal76]

Hubby will approve of anything you do because it will consider what he wanted balanced against the realities of life. I am not sure how your finances are but how about a friend for your lad to come along. Or perhaps a compromise with hubby that he would approve of.... You could book a nice holiday and often resorts do overnight or couple of night cruises to places. I think we were on the Greek islands and got a cruise that included Egypt for a few nights. If things were reversed and you gave you wishes to your husband would you mind if he adapted them slightly to achieve nearly the same thing? I am sure he just wants you both to be happy. I do think it is important your son is there and there is a middle ground... perhaps there are other options to suit you both and hubby. I would suggest, because I have done it myself before, that you go to a small independent travel agent because they are so great. Tell them what you want and why and take your son to say what he wants... their knowledge and solutions will likely inspire you. There are some still about.. I have used Advanced Travel in Stony Stratford before and they were amazing. It is a personalized service and they worked out cheaper than the big companies. x

Edited July 26, 2016 by Dandygal76

[Proud Wife]

I'm taking my son to LA in September as it's somewhere he's always wanted to visit and I think after what's happened, he deserves a decent holiday! When we couldn't agree on a suitable ash scattering cruise I mentioned about doing it in LA but hubby was very specific about doing it from a cruise ship that I just have to respect his wishes. In any event, I think it's a nice idea as the captain of the ship overseas this and will conduct a short religious service which I find quite comforting. It's all done very respectfully so I have to keep reminding myself it doesn't matter where, as the tide will take the ashes away anyhow and if it is done closer to home, then each time I cruise in the future, I will sail past "the drop off zone" for want of a better description!!

Thank you for your opinion on whether son should be present or not. I'm an independent person and I suppose a very capable person and would have done it alone if I had to - just didn't know what was the right thing to do, trying to keep hubby and son happy at the same time I suppose. I'm hoping an itinerary comes up that appeals to him but I'm probably being delusional!! I would have to book him his own cabin and on cruises you have to pay near on double for single occupancy so I would happily have him take someone with in his cabin but that's not the problem. It's not being able to access facebook, whatsapp, twitter etc whilst at sea. Apparently! I do agree to a certain extent, I hate not been able to access emails or surf the net in between ports but I hate flying so cruising from Southampton is such a winner for me.

You have however put my mind at rest that it doesn't really matter where the ashes are scattered as long as they are scattered.

Lots of love xxx

[Dandygal76]

Hi PW

I did not mean to be too opinionated about your son and I know you are very independent. It is just at 21 they still don't really get it and I thought he may regret not doing it with you later. I just know in my life I did not really 'get it' and appreciate my parents until I had my own kids. But, I obviously do not know your son.

They are a nightmare around these electronics... I don't know how we coped in our youth. I also never realised you could not get signal from a cruise ship... but yes, I can see the issue now.

Whatever you choose will be okay and it will be beautiful.

X

[Dandygal76]

How are you doing PW. Keep seeing you post for others but was wondering how things are your end. x

[Guest]

Hi PW,

I think LA will be wonderful and whatever you decided on where to scatter ashes will also be perfect! Hubby married you and lived with you and I am sure that plans you made together sometimes changed so I'm sure he would go along with whatever you decide, you will have done your best and that is all we can do.

Estate agents, yuk! I will have to see how I feel but I might try and do it myself when the time comes or use one of those companies like the one Sarah Beaney mentions. I will have to get a book….

Talking to yourself - I've been talking to myself for years as I often feel I am the only person who understands me. I have always chatted to my departed Dad when I am gardening, either out loud or in my head. It's not harming anyone else.

Thinking of you, M xx

[Proud Wife]

I think I inadvertently answered your question DG on M and Louis' thread! I think I'm doing pretty good considering. I've stopped looking back at the last weeks, days and hours. I've stopped thinking about him laying there in his yellow submarine because it is just too painful. I think about hubby probably every minute of every day but I try to concentrate on the happier memories because he told me over and over and over again not to dwell on the negative but to focus on the positive. I just want to make him proud of me every day and to know that come bed time, I know he will think that I've done okay.

I still think I'm in denial, I don't think about him being dead but I just think about him. I've said it before but whether that's the right way to mourn I don't know but it works for me and I'll take that for the time being. It gets me through each day and I can't ask more than that during these early days.

Love amd strength to you all xxx

[Dandygal76]

PW, I don't think there is a right or wrong way to mourn, we all have to do it our own way and I for one am amazed at how you are coping and hubby would be proud of you. If there is denial then that is also to be expected and the mourning process will work its way through all these things naturally so don't worry that it is not how you expected it. As you said on M's thread, there is no choice unfortunately and history has shown time and time again that people do come out the other side and find a different happiness.

I hope you are having a decent weekend considering all you are going through. I have been to my cousins wedding and stopped away which was lovely and dad enjoyed himself. I find typing on the forum on my phone difficult but I did keep an eye on things and would have responded if anyone was in desperate need. It seems the forum has been very quiet this weekend though and I hope this is because everyone on here is doing okay at the moment. x

[Proud Wife]

Wowza DG! Thank you! Hubby was the type of person that didn't have time for tears, tantrums or negativity - all of which I've been know to have! So now, I try to make the best of each day in his memory and as I said when I go to bed I ask myself did I do him proud. A friend told me recently that hubby had spoken to her and had told her he was only worried about how my son and I would cope afterwards, well I'm not giving him any reason to worry. I don't say this lightly, my heart breaks when I allow myself to think that I'm never going to see him this side of the divide ever again and I feel sick to my stomach but I have to find coping strategies. This might sound a bit weird but I do think hubby's guiding me mentally though because my outlook on life has changed and I'm doing things differently but I didn't consciously change anything - that gives me comfort because I truly believe hubby is helping me cope. The "old" me would have been even more emotional I think. I have my moments were life doesn't seem worth living but they are few and far between....thankfully.

And I think you are absolutely right, there will be a time when I will naturally have to face this head on but I'm not ready for that for a long while. I just need to get through each day with a half smile on my face, only because it's what hubby would want and expect from me. But oh my word, how I miss that special, special man - I can't put that into words, I just can't explain the sorrow and the hurt that we were not allowed to grow old together.

On a more positive note, I'm so pleased to see that you you and your dad were able to enjoy the wedding - was the sun shining on the bride, I hope so - it's been here on and off all day and when the suns out, I'm in the garden enjoying the rays deep in thought, talking to hubby in my head. I too keep popping on to see if anyone needs support. If I can help others going through the same, I'm happy.

Enjoy what's left of the weekend xxx

[sandraW]

PW That's what has got me this far, its just over 15 months now since I lost Trevor, I try to keep going because I know he would want me too. I try not to be selfish and think why me, because its not only me, or you its happening every minute of every day to someone, and I know how lucky I am to have such special memories of him, to cherish. Its still hard though, sending you a hug love sandrax xx

[Dandygal76]

PW. I just saw your post that you are struggling today. I don't think you will be off that roller-coaster for a while yet and I am thinking of you. You, with Marmalade, have shown tremendous grace and strength as you both encounter the other side of the great divide in this disease. Go to bed knowing that you are making hubby proud of you on this day, it is okay to grieve. x

[Proud Wife]

It was reading our lovely marmalade's description of Louis breathing that just brought everything back to me as it's exactly what happened to hubby in his final hours. Totally out the blue - I did not expect to react like that at all. Just shows how very good I am at blocking horrible memories.....most of the time. I know it's normal. Even now the tears are streaming so will say night night for now. I'm sure M won't read this as she has far more important matters to attend to but if you do my lovely, don't feel guilty it wasn't your fault! Xx

[Dandygal76]

PW I hope you are not considering that what has happened is in any way, shape or form your fault. You fought hard for hubby and hubby equally fought hard for you guys. I know you are second guessing things like chemo breaks etc but it is futile to do that. For a lot of people chemo breaks are great and give a good quality of life and then they fall back to the chemo routine without problems after that break. The decision was not a mistake, it was a legitimate decision that was required to be taken at the time and because of the circumstances at that time. Equally, the chances are the nasty PC disease would still have carried on regardless of no break - it is just the way the blasted things works. You don't know otherwise PW and we have seen this beast turn so quickly on other people with it - all of a sudden it just sticks 2 fingers up and carries on regardless. We can always second guess ourselves and our decisions but ultimately you must keep remembering that stage 4 PC does take most people in the end... it was not something you could control, it was always mostly inevitable that hubby would succumb - and quickly when you were not expecting it. You be proud that you got him well past the median of statistics, it was a gallant fight by you all. x

[Guest]

I am reading PW and am so very sorry to have given you pain. I think the waves of grief will keep coming for a while yet and it's perfectly fine for you to be emotional, it's natures way of getting the pain out and laying the foundations for healing.

I know you understand that I have to get my thoughts out and I love you for it, I have to do it for myself, for those who are holding my hand across the interweb and for those who fear caring for their loved one at home and the dying process itself. The writing gives comfort to me and may, one day give reassurance to another tortured soul facing the final fling, but you knew that didn't you? Bless you x

I hope that today will be easier to face and that when you chat to hubby you will feel reassured that you did good, that he is at peace and that you can look forward with confidence.

Much love M xx

[Proud Wife]

Oh my goodness M, of course you must get your thoughts out. It's just very hard to explain in words that although we've never met and I don't know Louis from Adam, I really, really care about you both. Believe it or not, I take a lot of comfort and enjoyment from reading your posts and I think it's a most amazing selfless act to think about giving reassurance to someone else that they can care for a loved one at home, truly I do, so do not and I repeat, do not change your writing in any shape or form!!! The wobble I had and the wobbles that will follow will do me good because I don't let go of my emotions unless someone forces them out. I was shocked at how your post affected me only because I wasn't aware just how well I was blocking horrible thoughts out.

Today is a good day. Yesterday I took myself off to the hairdressers. Long story short, because time was so limited during the last few weeks of hubby's life I let someone I shouldn't cut my hair as it was convenient. OMG I have never had such a hair disaster ever in my life! Over the years I've struggled to find someone who can manage my unruly hair and many a time hubby said go and treat yourself and get your hair cut by a known stylist - only because if they can't do it right, nobody can. I resisted all my life as I didn't feel I could justify the cost but yesterday, feeling as I did, I gave in! Best decision of my life. My weight is very much an issue for me and clothes an even bigger struggle so I like to compensate by making sure my hair and nails look okay. I now feel loads better!

Better still, I was recommended to a hypnotherapist so I'm just about to make an appointment to help with weight loss. We shall see! I found this particular hairdresser by googling at 3 o'clock in the morning when I couldn't sleep - I'd like to think hubby influenced my decision to go to her because if I do manage to lose my weight, it will be a miracle hahahahaha!

Hubby was always the driver in our family and always wanted to drive me to wherever I needed to go so of course, that has all changed now. It might sound pathetic but I don't like driving to places I don't know but I found my way there and back without too many wrong turns! That in itself made me feel good as I have to be independent now.

Being totally honest, I think I am doing exceptionally well considering. Each morning I talk to hubby's photo, I tell him I love him, I miss him, my glass is half full (used to be half empty) and that I will make the best of the day. More I can't do at this stage but I am learning to accept there will be triggers that will set me back and if they didn't, I wouldn't be normal.

I'm taking it one day at a time and if, like today I can say it's a good day, I'll take that....with open arms.

Love and hugs to all of you xxx

[Guest]

Atta girl PW,

I have unruly hair too! It really is freaky the things we have in common. I have asked admin to give you and the other regulars my email address. We definitely have to meet up one day.

I will be very interested to know if the hypnotherapist works - I'm done with diets.

Think you are doing well? Of course you are doing well, just as hubby would want you to.

Much love, M xx

[Dandygal76]

PW, wobbles are fine and letting your emotions go is fine. It is not only good for you but it also shows others that it is okay to come here and have wobbles and be supported. This is what we are here for isn't it? To support each other in the ups and downs and to be patient and to understand and then to give lots of cyber support.

I am glad you had a good day yesterday and had a lovely hair cut. In those times when you are down you need to hold onto that and know that with every passing week those moments will increase and you will forge a new and differently lovely life whilst remembering fondly how you got there.

A hypnotherapist for weight loss sounds a good a plan as any. I have just started running again to try and get mine under control but I only do it if I am up early or late enough that it is stealth and no one can see my tubby bits bouncing up and down as I go at 0.01 mile an hour. I always worry now. Because my nan on my mums side died early of bowel cancer and then my dad has PC and the gene mutations for both can be the same... I feel like I could also leave my kids far too early. I need to healthy up (not that it helped my dad!). Anyway, it really is great to do positives to make yourself feel good. You are empowered to influence what you can and it will give you some strength to carry on through the rest of it.

My dad is also the driver with my mum to everywhere. If it was a party as well he always drives and my mum drinks because he is not bothered. Our large family mainly lives in London and I should remind him today that he cannot go anywhere because I do not want to be designated driver! I would have to though.... to smooth the path for my mum and maintain some normality for her should the worst happen. Have you tried something simple like a decent SAT NAV for when you are driving? They are so great when you get used to the timing of the turns on them.

You are doing so so well hun. There will though be many bumps in this road and just know that when there are... we are right here for you.

xxx

[Proud Wife]

Morning DG, see you are online, just reading your post!!

[Proud Wife]

I would LOVE to meet up Marmalade. It would be great if there was a small group of us who could communicate/meet up outside of this forum. I think possibly it would do us all good but when the time is right.

Let's chat via email once admin do the necessary, I'd love to find out where everyone is from and then DG, I do my best to find the rendezvous. I do have a brilliant Sat Nav but I made the mistake of thinking that I knew better than it, so I spent that journey hearing "recalculating" "recalculating" "recalculating" hahahaha!

I'm afraid exercising (other than walking) is out for me, i have too many physical problems, plus I'd probably cause numerous accidents if I was seen jogging. I have a LOT of weight to lose but my diabetes medication makes me hungry (it's known for that) and because I'm not smoking anymore, it becomes harder and harder to lose weight. However, as a yoyo dieter my whole life, if I try a new means, I seem to succeed the first time and hypnosis is a first for me....you never know. At least it's something positive for me to do.

When hubby was first diagnosed, we had a film made where he was giving advice to my son and I for the future, that we could look back on after... Well I watched it a few days ago and one of the things he said to me was, "don't worry if you anyone comments that you are too fat, too thin...one ear in and one ear out" so by jove, I'm going to live by that one piece of advice!

Wishing everyone a lovely, peaceful weekend. My sunlounger awaits. xxx

[Dandygal76]

I am just popping out but have you thought to try that bloody metformin I hate. It is supposed to be a great diabetic medication and one of the side effects is weight loss... a win win perhaps. A lot of people get on with it but not my dad so we all know I hate the stuff. x

[Proud Wife]

That was the first medication I tried. OMG it made me feel sick, full of wind and unable to go out unless a toilet was within a distance of 1 foot. Not a pleasant experience at all! I was told to try the slow release version but they are the size of missiles and I find it difficult to swallow large tablets. I'm in the hater's club!! xxx

[Judith16]

PW Glad to hear you had a good day, would love to have a meet up, would love to email chat with everyone to.

[Proud Wife]

Judith, I have tried to message you from facebook - I cant seem to work how to do it from group!

Check your messenger - we can chat more opening over there.

Hope things as well as they can be your end xx