Totally in awe of my wonderful Husband!

[Didge]

Sending you love and hope the day goes as well as these things can xx

[Linda G]

Sending you love and strength for today. Hope everything went as planned. It's a difficult day but you will get through it, with your loving family and friends by your side, and thoughts of your strong, brave and wonderful husband.

Linda G

XXX

[Dandygal76]

Hey PW, I hope all went as well as can be expected yesterday. I am sure you gave him a fine send off. Sending love to you and your son. x

[Proud Wife]

Thank you all for your good wishes, I am sure that helped the day go smoothly.

Yesterday went as well as it possibly could, we gave him the most fantastic send off in his yellow submarine! The service was lovely, the turnout was great and we couldn't really have done anything better. Catering was wonderful, flowers beautiful, now as for the yellow balloons....

I ordered 50 which were helium filled which were delivered in 5 batches of 10 balloons, covered in plastic. Because they were helium filled, they floated to the top of the ceiling which was fine. As everyone came in the house, all 5 started to move around as though they were walking on the ceiling which was funny to watch. About half an hour later one of 5 bundled dropped from the ceiling to head height and came up to my son and I, bouncing off of us. Everyone stopped to watch in wonder. It made its way around the room and then flew through out of the room into the garden and up into the sky. You could say that the draft from the open door made it move but dropping to head height is rather odd for newly filled helium balloons. Especially as the only 2 people it "bumped" into were my son and I! It had a life of its own - We were all certain it was hubby making him presence known.

On the centre island in my kitchen (I have an open plan downstairs) I'd used as a drinks bar. There were loads of bottles of wine, beers, fruit juices, soft drinks and different types of spirits. I was just saying (or perhaps nagging) about how hubby had continued to smoke during chemotherapy when all of a sudden there was a very loud bang. I looked round to see a bottle of bacardi had smashed on the tiled floor. The waitress who was in the kitchen preparing food was mortified and said she was nowhere near, it just fell. I went over to see that a bottle of Black label was laying on its side which had clearly fallen and knocked the bacardi onto the floor.

Now, I haven't drunk any alcohol for years as I'm not a drinker but I'd been having a few bacardis to help me calm me down. BACARDI IS MY DRINK AND BLACK LABEL WAS HIS. Out of all the different bottles that were on the table and there were loads, these were the only two bottles involved. Explain that, especially when some friends said no-one was near the drinks table at the time. I think hubby decided to shut me up before I made any further comment about him smoking!

Very relieved it's all over but feeling very very very low today. When he was at the funeral directors, he was still with us in body as well as spirit. Now the face and body that I loved so much and the arms that were there to protect me have gone. It's all so final. Going to stop now as tears flowing again.

Thank you again each and everyone of you for you never ending support. It's priceless xxx

[PCUK Nurse Dianne]

Dear PW,

Thank you for sharing your beautiful story of a very difficult day I am sure. As others will be in contact, you know many are thinking of you, and of course you know from a nursing support perspective we are here for you into the future as you need. There will be difficult days/weeks and months ahead we cannot deny that, however you are a strong lady and will find some peace in the future.

Please do not hesitate to be in contact if we can support in any way, we always have time to listen and that comes free of charge.

Thinking of you.

On behalf of all the nurses at PCUK.

[Judith16]

Dear PW

Sending you love, light, prayers and hugs xxx

Judith

[Linda G]

Dear PW, thank you for sharing. It does certainly sound as if Hubby was there in spirit, keeping you strong! The sadness and the longing run very deep. Your last paragraph moved me to tears and I know exactly what you mean. I have no words to offer at the moment. I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and your son at this difficult time. Be kind to yourself and take care.

xxx

Linda G

[sandraW]

PW Glad it all went well, it sounds like it was a fitting tribute to PH. I told you you could do it, even though it would not have been easy, I felt it was the very last thing I could for my Trevor, give him a great send off. sending you love and strength sandrax xx

[Guest]

Hi PW,

I'm not sure what is going on but I have done several posts recently which don't appear. I must have some sort of gremlin…. just want you to know that I am thinking of you always xx

[Dandygal76]

Hey PW. Sounds like you had a fitting send off for hubby and yes, those weird things do make you wonder... especially as you have always said hubby has a good sense of humour. I hope that comforted you because I am certain he would want to give you a message he is okay if he could. You are going through some hard hard times right now but you know we are all here for you if you need us. Sending love to you and your son. x

[Proud Wife]

I so want to provide support to my friends on here who are still on the good side of the divide and post on each of their own threads but I feel so very low and negative and sad, I'm afraid I'd be no help at all so it's better I refrain at the moment. I think I'd just end up making you feel worse. After the amazing help I've had, I want to give back but I'm so sorry, I just feel as though I don't want to talk to anyone, I want to be left alone in my lonely painful bubble. Please, please, please be assured I am following your stories and willing you all on, your loved ones can be one of the lucky ones, never lose hope.

I've spent the day trying to find somewhere to live. The house that we live in has brought us nothing but bad luck. This is not a rash decision, hubby and I had been looking for months now but of course, bereavement and moving home are two of the most stressful things, especially when I need to drastically reduce our living costs. I haven't been able to work for the past 14 months due to my own ill health, it's just everything coming down like a ton of bricks and all I want is my other half to lean on. I think I can truthfully say today is the first day where I've realised he's not coming home. For the past couple of weeks we were able to keep going by busying ourselves in the funeral and making sure everything was perfect for hubby. Reality has dawned and it's the most awful feeling I ever, ever had.

I remember vividly reading Linda G's posts on the very same subject and sweetheart, I now know exactly how you feel.

To those of you special brave people on this journey, stay strong and keep fighting if you can, someone somehow has to get the better of this evil disease in memory of those that were just not able to.

Truly Proud but heartbroken Wife xx

[sandraW]

Hi PW Don't worry about not feeling able yet to offer support, how can you be expected too, you have just lost your beloved husband, you just need to think about yourself and your son. I am sorry to hear you have to move house, as you say its not a good time but if it has to be done then it has to be done, regardless of whether its a good time or not.

I was used to doing things for myself as Trevor was away a lot, but he was always there as backup on the phone or when he came home, I found it very hard to accept that he wasn't just away again and would be back at the weekend. Please just take care of you, post when you need to, we are all thinking of you love sandrax xx

[Dandygal76]

PW, please don't beat yourself up... you have enough on your plate. The only thing you should be concerned about right now is nurturing yourself and your son. No-one is thinking or expecting otherwise. I am sorry you are having to move right now as well but you will come out the other side of this and hubby is right their with you in your heart. Sending you cyber hugs. x

[boa]

PW

It's very good of you to want to help others. Just take time to yourself. Some of us here know exactly how you feel but we can also tell you that as time passes the feelings of sadness lessen. Post on your thread and let us know how you get on.

Catherine

[WifeampMum]

Dear PW,

You have given SO much support to others here, but it's clearly now time for you to put the needs of you and your son first.

Your forum family are here whenever you need us and you have our unconditional support. Post here whenever you want and we will try to help.

Thinking of you now and over the coming weeks, sending wishes of strength and comfort,

W&M xx

[Guest]

Dear PW,

It's a ghastly ghastly time and nothing can take away the pain. We all know it or fear it. Even you saying how you feel in the above post helps because others have felt like it and they know they are not alone. People like me know it's coming and will not feel so at sea knowing that others have felt our pain. You are always helping us.

have you thought about talking to Macmillan's financial people who are incredibly helpful and they also know what you have been through. I will also sell the house and reduce costs after it is all over with Louis. It's too big a cost and like you I have not been working. However, I am not going to be pressured as losing someone close is enough stress for anyone. Truly, the Macmillan team are there for this sort of thing and there is nothing to lose just having a chat. They were brilliant at taking me through all the forms and claiming for things I never knew I could get (we have savings so thought we would get nothing).

Most of all, be kind to yourself and if you want to be alone and lick your open wounds then do, you are not crazy or weak or stupid, or letting anon down, you are overwhelmed with grief and only time can cure it. In the meantime we will keep posting for you and you will know we are still here and will wait for you. M xxx

[Dandygal76]

xxx

[Ant11]

Hi PW

We know exactly how you feel and when ready, I am only at the end of email. xxxxx

[Dandygal76]

Hey lovely Proud Wife. I just wanted to send my love and tell you to take care of yourself and your son. You are never far from my thoughts. x

[Proud Wife]

Hello my lovely forum family

It's taken me a while to come back on here although I never left! Have been busy looking at properties and coping with estate agents who will really stop at nothing to get you to view somewhere where there's not a snowballs chance that it will be suitable. Why do they waste their time and ours?!!

On Wednesday we brought hubby home which really freaked me out initially. I thought it would be comforting to have him back but I know I'm in denial so of course having him home makes everything real and I'm just not ready to cope with that yet or I suppose accept he's gone for good.

I seem to be torturing myself the whole time. I'm constantly looking at photos and yearning to see him in the flesh. I keep thinking about the last 8 days of his life - its really hard to explain but I feel like I need to make myself suffer because why should I have a normal life when he's been robbed of his. My son has picked up on this and feels I need counselling, he's right of course but I'm not quite ready.

Other than that, life carries on. Some people who I least expected, have been truly amazing and supportive but as well as being a Proud Wife, I am also a very very Proud Mum as my son has been just FANTASTIC. And that's an understatement! I never expected such support or wisdom or maturity to be honest when he's also mourning the loss of his dad.

It's lovely to see some new members posting here, I promise to join in the chat when I can but in the meantime I am following everyone's stories and wishing you all well. Normally you can't shut me up but at the moment, I just feel so lost, I'm not sure what I can say that would help. It will come back though as I know the raw, heartbreaking emotions that I'm currently feeling won't last forever. Well at least I hope they don't.

Love to each and everyone of you affected by this disease. xxx

[boa]

PW

It is almost six months since my husband died. I can tell you that your feelings are the same as most of us in your situation and many of us wonder why we are allowed to carry on when a loved one couldn't. But the other thing I can tell you is that in time the feelings get better and you adjust to what has happened. I'm so glad you have the support of your son. You say that you know your current feelings won't last forever and I think that this is an important aspect of the healing process so that we can look forward to time where things have changed and that we accept that our lives are now different. Please post when you can.

Catherine

[Guest]

Hi PW,

So glad you are not far from us. Finding somewhere to live is a hugely stressful situation so no matter what the pressure, take your time. We've done very well buying and selling over the years but always have the same rule, sell yours first and move into rented it necessary - being a cash buyer who has already sold gives you the very best bargaining power.

Try not to beat yourself, it's part of the grieving process and it's horrible but it will pass. You had a wonderful husband who you miss terribly. You feel sad because it is a sad situation, you are not mad and you don't have to get over it. Time will make it bearable. Much love xx

[Dandygal76]

Hey PW, I suspected you were still looking in on us and we know you are supportive even if you cannot post. You have a lot on your plate and as we have all said, you need to look after yourself and your son at this time.

How is the house hunting going? I do hope you find somewhere suitable soon so that it one less thing to worry about. We are moving on 20th August which will be a bit of a wrench. I live in the same village as my parents currently and we are moving to the city. I am not sure if it is the wrong or right time to be honest and I keep changing my mind. We will still only be 10 minutes away though.

I hope things have settled with having Hubby's ashes home. It must have been strange and hard to cope with. It is natural that you will yearn for him and physically ache to see him and also to keep going over things. Hubby would not want you to suffer and he wants you and your son to thrive and when you are ready, you can get the Counselling to help with this if you think that is right for you. There is no rush in these things, it is such early days in your grieving process.

It is amazing the personalities that shine though these times. People that you think would be useless turn out to brilliant and then people you thought would be there just can't cope with it the way we need them to. I think people touched by cancer also have such a different and supportive perspective on it that you just cannot get unless you have been through it.

I hope your son is continuing in being a tower of strength to you, it must be so hard for him also and you are right to be very proud of him. You have each other and that is a good thing and he has your hubby running through his veins and that must be of great comfort to you.

You won't feel lost forever and you will find the path again towards a different happiness.

Lots of love.

xx

[Dandygal76]

PW, I never know if it is the right thing to post on here and say again that I am thinking of you. But I am. You need to deal with things the way you need to deal with things but you are not forgotten, and neither do you need to post anything back. x

[Dandygal76]

Hey PW, how is the house hunting going. I hope you and your son are coping. You know we are here for you if you need us. x