Trevor's Story

[sandraW]

Just to let you know, I am thinking of everyone on here, the ones of us who have lost our loved ones this year, the ones still supporting their loved ones and the ones still battling this truly horrendous disease. I found last night particularly hard.

I wish you everything you wish for, sending strength peace and love to you all, on this start to a New Year and I hope it brings some joy to you all, and thank you for all the support you have given me, love sandrax xxx

PS Special New Year wishes to our wonderful nurses and very grateful thanks for all the help and support you provide to us all. xxx

[Didge]

Thank you, Sandra. I'd echo that. And to all those 'silent' members who never post, thinking of you all and hope you get to enjoy every moment you can in 2016 whether as sufferers or loved ones and may there be new treatments coming soon! Didge x

[Guest]

Hi Sandra,

Thank you for your lovely post here. I too found yesterday very hard, and I cried the new year in. I think it is because last year Trevor and Dad were alive and we saw them, spoke to them, hugged them. Now it's a new year, they have never been here in this year. Although last year was the toughest year ever, we still had our loved ones in it.

Leila xx

[Ruthus]

Thank you Sandra. You are always very supportive on this forum. Thinking of you at a difficult time of year. I am hoping 2016 will be easier for you xx

[sheena]

Lovely words Sandra you just made me cry .I am dreading this awful path of sorrow,I was happy Steve made it through Xmas and new year ,but each day I see a difference and in him.sending you huge hugs and thank you for supporting me x

[jay]

Massive hugs Sandra, we carry on as we have no choice and know our loved ones would want us to smile and laugh again, its so hard though, Jem asked me out 28 years ago on new years eve. its my 50 th birthday tomorrow and going to get one of his old birthday cards out but at the minute not brave enough to root around in his massive box of keepsakes,

hugs to everyone

Jayne

xx

[Sueoliver]

Sandra I was thinking of everyone on New Years Eve. Thankyou for your continuous support it means so much. I hope this year is easier for you and you remember all the good times with Trevor.

All my love,

Sue xxx

[Didge]

Happy Birthday Jayne. Rob and I both had big birthdays a few days before he died. I do hope you manage to do something lovely to mark the occasion! Didge x

[Guest]

Hi Sandra,

Just wanted to say I hope you are getting through these days reasonably ok? I say this because I know this month is particularly hard for me, so it absolutely must be for you too.

Leila xx

[sandraW]

Leila,

I know I think about you every day too, your dad the 21st, Trevor the 24th, I really can't believe its been a year, yet in other ways it seems like 10 years.

I truly hope you are starting to feel stronger now, but this will bring it all flooding back.

Yesterday my youngest son and his wife had a 4d scan of their baby boy due at the end of June on all of the 10 photos he had his hand on his forehead, just as his Granddad used to, made me smile and cry at the same time. sending you a big cuber (((hug))) love sandrax xx

[Guest]

It does seem like years doesn't it? Feel like it has all passed by while I have been stood still.

Was starting to feel a little more confident, but everything all happened in April, and feel like I am on countdown.

Are you doing anything on the 24th? Lovely that you have a new edition due, and sounds like he is just like his Granddad already. I am sure he will be so proud.

Leila xx

[Proud Wife]

I will be thinking of you on the 24th Sandra (as I will Leila on the 21st).

As I've said to Leila, I always mark the passing of my mum and dad with something, whether it be a bunch of flowers, lighting a candle or going for a meal out. I know the first anniversary of Trevor's passing is going to be very tough and we are here if you need us.

The end of June will be here before you know it, so exciting and something to really look forward to and focus on.

Take care

PW xx

[sandraW]

Hi Leila and PW,

I am going to my youngest son's on Tuesday to look after my 8 year old granddaughter, while my son and his wife have a week away to celebrate their 10th Wedding Anniversary. I will probably come back on the Saturday 23rd, so will just be at home, with Trevor as I have his ashes here at home. I have my little dog, Missy for company, I must say I would be lost without her, and after 12 days away I think, no I am sure, I will be ready for home.

Hopefully the garden will have dried out by then and I can potter outside,as he would be grumbling about the state of the garden. I have a little plaque with a photo of him in the garden, and a vase so I will put him some flowers out there as the daffodills will be finished by then I think

Leila, I understand your feelings totally, but try to think of your Dad with happy thoughts and try not to replay the bad times, be sure I will be thinking of you. love sandrax xx

[Proud Wife]

Thinking of your tomorrow Sandra. I know it will be a very difficult day for you. Trevor will be very proud of how you've coped and how you come and here and help others in the same horrible position.

Much love

PW xx

[jay]

Thinking of you today Sandra and your wonderful Trevor

love Jayne

xx

[Didge]

Sending you lots of love Sandra. Didge x

[Sueoliver]

I have been thinking of you today Sandra. Sending you lots of love.

Sue xxx

[sandraW]

Thank you everyone, I cannot believe a year has passed since I lost my beloved "darling" Trevor, in one way it seems weeks and in another it seems like years since I last saw and spoke to him. Our boys and their families have been wonderful but it is hard without "your" special person, who would cheer you up when you feel down and laugh with you and just be there. I just have to keep telling myself that he would want me to carry on without him, but sometimes it is just too hard, but most of the time I manage to.

As my 8 year old granddaughter told me last week "Granddad is still here Nana, he kisses me every night when I fall asleep he is sat on his cloud watching us all the time. Didn't have the heart to say he was probably chatting to the person on the next cloud, especially if she was female and needed help steering her cloud and probably missed most of what we did. He still makes me smile

love to you all sandrax xx

[Guest]

Sandra,

Hope today wasn't too hard for you. I was telling my counsellor yesterday that it seemed like yesterday, but a 100 years ago at the same time.

Whata beautiful thing for your granddaughter to say, I started to well up, and then I read your part, and I just had to smile. How very lovely.

Bless you Trevor.

Leila xx

[WifeampMum]

Sandra, saw on Marmalade's thread that you're back from holiday. I've missed your warm and wise posts. It's been very quiet here lately...maybe a good thing if it means people aren't needing much support at the moment.

Welcome back and I hope you had a great break.

W&M xx

[sandraW]

Hi W&M

Thanks for that, that's a really lovely welocome back.

I had a lovely much needed break thank you very much. Its 16 months since I lost Trevor now, I went to Mexico last year with my elder son and his wife and two children for 10 days but the loss of Trevor was still very raw, even so we did have a lovely time. This year I went to Morocco with our younger son and his family, they have a 11 week old baby baoy and an 8year old daughter. We went for 3 weeks, 2 weeks at their appartment and a week at at beach resort, I made the descision not to use my phone or the internet for the whole holiday as I felt I needed a complete break.

I also read the book Patrick Swayze's wife Lisa, wrote about his 21 month battle with the disease and how she too had to fight for treatment for him, even though they had private insurance and money. She explained how she felt keeping on top of all the meds and making sure the drs knew all the facts when he was admitted ect, how wearing it all was and how at the end of it how worn out she was. And, how even though she had done everything she could she still felt that she had failed him, a feeling I know I still have and have read others have too.

She said how the doctors wrote him off immediately telling him he had only weeks to live, yet he lived for another 21 months and made a TV series, The Beast, doing some of his own stunts, wrote a book and recorded the audio book too, as well as riding his horses on his ranch. In some weird way it put things into perspective for me that even though you throw all you can, money, expertise, all the chemo treatments available, he had Folfox, Gemcap, Gemcitabine, Abraxane, and Oxilaplatin as well as numerous surgeries for stents and bypasses the disease will always win in the end, no matter how brave the fight.

I realised again just how lucky my Trevor was, as he stayed remarkably well throughout and managed to live his life well through his 21 months of treatment, his decline being sudden and I am now sure due to an infection not the actual disease itself, dying the way he would have wanted quickly and with his pain under control, even though he was determind to beat the disease right to the end.

Somehow, I just feel more at peace, well for this week at least lol.Thanks again love sandrax xx

[WifeampMum]

So pleased you had a good break. No phone & Internet seems like a very sensible but very hard feat to achieve. You must have an iron will!

Thanks for sharing about the Lisa Swayze book. I wonder if that heart-rending feeling, that one could have done more, is an inevitable part of caring/grieving for someone with such a tough disease. I hope that you find it becomes less and less intrusive and that today's peaceful feeling becomes a more frequent companion.

I would just like to say that for some PC patients I don't think the disease will necessarily win in the end. Let's keep our fingers and toes crossed, anyway. Hope is massively important and there may be a wonderful treatment breakthrough around the corner.

W&M xx

[sandraW]

W&M I hope and pray that there will soon be a massive break through every day, if it could be diagnosed earlier, so surgery is still an option then the patient can win, I hope the young american teenager Jack Andraka can get his test passed soon, as that sounds promising, cheap early detection is deffinitely the way to go, if its cheap then it can be used if the doctors think there is a chance of the symptoms being PC, lets hope there is some good news soon, sandrax xx

[Dandygal76]

Sandra, it sounds like you had a lovely time in Morocco and I think stepping away from the internet does not hurt at all. We cannot allow this disease to define the rest of our lives, we have to push to move beyond it although I am always grateful of your support. W&M is right that in the forum quiet moments you can be quite stoic and a firm support and I have appreciated every one of your posts to me.

I am glad the book helped you.. we truly are between the devil and the deep blue sea on these decisions and we all have to remember that the alternative decision would be unlikely to make that difference. The odds are truly stacked against us.

Trevor was lucky... not to get this disease and not just because he made it 21 months. He was lucky to have such a caring and lovely woman in his life to carry him though all he went through. x

[Guest]

Lovely to hear from you Sandra and I've ordered the book! Much love M xx