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Justamo
Posts: 465
Joined: Sun Sep 04, 2016 10:38 pm

Re: Nina's Dad

Postby Justamo » Sun Jan 22, 2017 10:30 am

You know, Nina, that a family death brings out the best in some people and the worst in others. It's made you strong and caring and compassionate, but it just seems to have brought out the selfish side in your brother. I would try to avoid friction just now because it won't help anybody. Mum won't need people sleeping in the house for ever, she will become accustomed to fending for herself and she needs to be allowed to do this at her own pace.

Of course there's the old saying - a daughter is a daughter all of her life, but a son is a son till he takes a wife.

We'll all be thinking of you on Wednesday, but meantime if you're feeling mad and angry just get straight on here and let it all out.

Much love
Mo

Proud Wife
Posts: 733
Joined: Sun Jan 17, 2016 9:28 am

Re: Nina's Dad

Postby Proud Wife » Sun Jan 22, 2017 12:59 pm

First of all Nina, I'm am so sorry for your loss. I know this is a hideous time for all of you.

I totally get where you are coming from and whether it's grief or selfishness that's making your younger brother act this way who knows, it is what it is. Don't forget, you too are in mourning and feelings/emotions are just heightened.

As everyone has said, please come on here day or night and vent. Rant, do whatever feels good for you and just get it off your chest. You don't want to be falling out with family.

Thinking of you. (((hugs)))

Marmalade

Re: Nina's Dad

Postby Marmalade » Sun Jan 22, 2017 10:42 pm

Hi Nina,

Agree with all that has been said. My youngest brother was a pain when my Dad died but I had to accept that we all deal with things differently and there is no right and wrong way.

Your Mum will have to be alone at some point and it will be hard whether it is this week or next month. There is no reason to worry about this. Your Mum will be lonely but there is no need to fear spirits. Your Dad loved you all and would never harm any of you. Perhaps someone could stay occasionally to give her some company, I'm sure she would like that.

You are doing really well and being a good daughter. We are all thinking of you, praying for the repose of Dads soul and for strength for your family.

M xxx

yanina
Posts: 17
Joined: Thu Dec 15, 2016 9:28 pm

Re: Nina's Dad

Postby yanina » Mon Jan 30, 2017 8:00 pm

hi every one, its been a while.
dads funeral went ahead without any problems and the church was packed! there wasnt a seat spare in the church, im amazed at how many people knew my dad, and came to pay their respects its was so comforting to know how well thought of my dad was.

people came from his old places of worked where he had worked 30 yrs prior we did him proud and he had the best send off.

things still seem sureal and i still expect him to walk through the door at any moment, its as if hes gone away and were waiting for his return.

take care speak soon xxxx

Elaine123
Posts: 204
Joined: Tue Nov 29, 2016 6:49 pm

Re: Nina's Dad

Postby Elaine123 » Mon Jan 30, 2017 9:55 pm

Hi Nina I am so glad that everything went okay at your Dads funeral and that so many friends turned up to pay their respects that will be a nice comfort to you to look back on. Hoping you are bearing up well and I can just imagine that feeling of waiting for him to walk through the door. Thinking of you and take care of yourself at this sad time.
Elaine
X

sandraW
Posts: 1033
Joined: Thu Oct 31, 2013 5:38 pm

Re: Nina's Dad

Postby sandraW » Mon Jan 30, 2017 10:11 pm

Hi Nina, I'm glad you Dad had a good sent off, it really warms your heart to know how much other people thought of your loved ones.
I completely understand how you are feeling I likened it to being in a play, I felt as though I was acting a part, and when we had finished then my husband would just come back and we would carry on life as we had done before. I think its perfectly normal to feel that way, grief is a long process and we all handle it in our own way, sending love and strength for the next stage of your journey love sandrax xx

yanina
Posts: 17
Joined: Thu Dec 15, 2016 9:28 pm

Re: Nina's Dad

Postby yanina » Thu Mar 09, 2017 6:24 pm

hi all its been a while, but been trying to move forward after dads funeral.

i think im coping but still cant belive hes gone. mums not coping at night, she still having someone stay with her. wich is starting to cause a few problems with my younger brother as hes one of the people staying at night.

hes rung me tonight saying that he was gonna go out tonight and told mum he wasnt staying tonight .. she burst into tears and now hes pi**ed off moaning at me saying were gonna have to sort summat out. ermm sorry he aint dictating to me what im doing.

i support mum in the day time, i have a husband and 2 sons to tend for, and im not in th best of heaalth my self. him and my older brother dont have a famiy.

things are gonna come to a massive blow and this are gonna be said and regretted. yes mum as got to learn and stay on her own, its gotta be done

Justamo
Posts: 465
Joined: Sun Sep 04, 2016 10:38 pm

Re: Nina's Dad

Postby Justamo » Thu Mar 09, 2017 11:31 pm

Hello Nina, good to hear from you but I'm so sorry that you are having problems with your brother and your poor Mum doesn't seem to be coping.

I know that you were in touch with a hospice before your Dad was taken into hospital. Could you get in touch with the hospice again and ask if there is any support available for your Mum ? I am very concerned that she still needs somebody there overnight. And if your brother is not co-operating this could really turn into a long term problem.

You could also search for CRUSE online. Theye are a bereavement charity and might have somebody who could advise you. I am certain that other forum members will have ideas too. You have done the right thing by posting about your problem and somebody will have suggestions to help.

If you possibly can, try to avoid confrontations with your brother. They only cause you more stress and don't seem to improve his attitude very much.

I do hope things improve soon.
With love, Mo

Marmalade

Re: Nina's Dad

Postby Marmalade » Fri Mar 10, 2017 8:32 pm

Hi Nina,

It is still very early days in the bereavement process and your Mum will cry. I think you have to accept that she may cray at any change, not necessarily because she is frightened but because it makes the loss of your Dad more real. I think you should try and find out what the issue is, Is it security, loneliness, or some other issue?

Some things your Mum could try are having a radio or audio books in her room to listen to, changing bedrooms or redecorating, get a pet dog or cat, fit extra locks or door chains, keep a phone in her room, leave a night light on. I found that I had to change the bedroom around making a comfortable place that did not constantly remind me of Louis illness.

It is an good idea for your Mum to speak to her doctor and to a counsellor about her worries or loneliness. Learning to live alone is horrible but the thought of it is often worse than the reality.

I hope this is of some help x

yanina
Posts: 17
Joined: Thu Dec 15, 2016 9:28 pm

Re: Nina's Dad

Postby yanina » Wed Jun 07, 2017 5:00 pm

hi all its been a while :) 6 months to the day yesterday dad died, im coping well and being strong i do my grieving away from people , but mum still cant accept hes gone, totally understandable but her grief is dragging me down, as im having to cope with hers as well as mine, this in turn is making me resent my mum, because shes not allowing me to move forward!! me and mum have never had a strong bond as mother and daughter, id say its more of a friends kind of relationship,so i cant even connect with her and talk about dads death or console her,if im honest there's a bit of resentment there not because of dads deah, but because she wont allow me to move forward and get on with my life.
we all took the holiday we booked with dad while he was alive on the 22nd of may for a week, which was a nice holiday, nice weather great food, mum had a couple of crying moments totally understandable dad should of been there, but i just couldn't console her, couldn't even hug her, there was nothing there no love , no feeling sorry for her ... this is how she as made me feel from being a young age.
she as allowed a councilor to come and see her , i hope this does her good, she needs to accept dad's death, and try to move forward its making her ill. shes just got over a nasty cough after having it 7 weeks, she needs to get out join a club do something because shes making me feel guilty/blaming me because she's not seeing any one. well she wont if she sits in the house all day doing nothing.
this is all getting me down i just want to run away from it all i have my own things to deal with, but i cant. i want to scream at her to leave me alone.

Didge
Posts: 825
Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2013 10:35 am

Re: Nina's Dad

Postby Didge » Wed Jun 07, 2017 6:47 pm

Hi Nina. From where I'm standing you need to distance yourself emotionally from your mum in the grieving process. It seems that you are resenting your mum from not moving on because you don't feel able to if she isn't. And that is causing the resentment. So do your own thing, start enjoying your life and accept that your mum is not able to do that yet. Feeling sympathy for her is not the same as being sucked in. Encourage other family members or friends to try to coax her out from time to time but don't do it yourself. And above all don't feel guilty about moving on! Good luck. X

Justamo
Posts: 465
Joined: Sun Sep 04, 2016 10:38 pm

Re: Nina's Dad

Postby Justamo » Wed Jun 07, 2017 8:47 pm

Poor Nina. Didge is absolutely right. You do have to distance yourself emotionally from her; it sounds as though you've never been close anyway. You are both grieving in your own way, and as you are younger and stronger (and possibly better adjusted) you are at the moving on stage. If she can't come to terms with what's happened then nothing you can do will make it better.

Be kind and caring and all the other stuff but she is an adult and has to stand on her own two feet. Enabling her to wallow is not helping her to face reality. Sounds hard and bitter, but it isn't really. It sounds as though she may be run down after a cough that's lasted for 7 weeks, but now that the Summer (!) is here she may pick up a bit. Withdraw just a little bit if you can, gradually, otherwise you'll end up hating her. And do not, on any account, feel guilty. You have been a complete rock over this sad time and have nothing to be guilty about.

Love
Mo

yanina
Posts: 17
Joined: Thu Dec 15, 2016 9:28 pm

Re: Nina's Dad

Postby yanina » Thu Jun 08, 2017 6:50 pm

thank you so much for your reply's and words of encouragement really does mean a lot its great that i can say what im feeling and know that some one knows what im going thru.

i find my self ignoring her when she goes on one i either go quiet and say nothing or just change the subject quickly..

im going to the gp tomorrow to see about seeing a bereavement councilor, i really need to talk to some one about my feeling and how my other is making me feel.

thanks again for all your comments
:D :D :D