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Bee
Posts: 219
Joined: Fri May 03, 2013 9:39 pm

Re: Taking the plunge!

Postby Bee » Wed Jan 01, 2014 12:15 pm

Hi everyone,
I don't post often but do still read all the posts.
So the funeral was 23rd December , howling wind and pouring rain, which would have made Chris chuckle!
Standing room only in the church, over 350 people there, completely overwhelming for all of us. The service was just lovely, a real celebration amidst the tears. Our children helped to plan all of it, the music, the poems they read, our son carried his dad in, I am so proud of them. Then what a party we had, food wine, rugby songs,tears and so much laughter! I feel we gave him the best send off possible.
And then Christmas, last minute decision on Christmas Eve and travelled north to see family. It was never going to be easy but we got through it, that's all I can say. Our family and friends have been so supportive, but you just can't make it better for kids to wake up without their dad on Christmas morning.
We came home on Monday and spent last night with friends like we always do. I am so lucky to have amazing friends, another night we got through.
I always knew I would lose chris once the diagnosis was made but nothing prepared me for this. I know we were lucky that he stayed so well, and I had time in the hospice to say the things I wanted to but right now it's not enough. I just want to talk to him all over again, and hear his voice and touch him, and there seems no solution to how this feels. So I function on autopilot hour upon hour. Sorry am rambling !

I send all of you good wishes

Bee xx

Cathy
Posts: 788
Joined: Fri Mar 15, 2013 5:43 pm

Re: Taking the plunge!

Postby Cathy » Wed Jan 01, 2014 12:30 pm

Hi Bee

Please ramble away. So lovely to hear from you.

I am so glad that Chris's funeral went so well despite the weather. I am sure others on here who lost their partners recently will completely empathise with how you are feeling. Jonathan isn't well at the moment and I dread what the future holds. I completely understand how you must feel.

Loads of love and virtual hugs to you and your family

Cathy xxx

nikkis
Posts: 513
Joined: Mon Jul 08, 2013 8:29 am

Re: Taking the plunge!

Postby nikkis » Wed Jan 01, 2014 12:32 pm

Bee,
That sounds like an amazing send off, you must have been so proud of your family. I can't say anything to ease your pain, it's all so unfair.
Paul is still in the hospice, and last night they suggested that the girls and I stay the night and we had a lovely evening all together. I kept thinking that you would be pleased that we had done that, making memories.
Lots of love,
Nikki

sandraW
Posts: 1039
Joined: Thu Oct 31, 2013 5:38 pm

Re: Taking the plunge!

Postby sandraW » Wed Jan 01, 2014 12:40 pm

Hi Bee, not posted on here before, my husband also has P/C I will post his story later but I couldn't just read your post and not reply. I have been reading your and Chris's story and I just want to give you a big cyber ((hug)) and say how incredibly brave you are being its so hard loosing a loved one at any time but Christmas must surely be even worse, it sounds as though Chris had a wonderful send off, he sounds to have been a lovely man, and it was wonderful so many people turned up to show how much he was thought of.
This is such a wicked disease, and so many on here have lost loved ones recently,I can't
give you any help with how much you miss your beloved husband, other than to say he will always be with you in spirit and just still say all the things to him that you want to say, Best wishes to you and every one here Sandra x

J_T
Posts: 954
Joined: Sun Mar 24, 2013 8:15 am

Re: Taking the plunge!

Postby J_T » Wed Jan 01, 2014 1:13 pm

Hi Bee, glad everything went well and sounds like a really brilliant send off for the lovely Chris.

Glad you seemed to get the best you could out of the holiday season too. Know only too well how hard it is.

Much love
Julia x

Bee
Posts: 219
Joined: Fri May 03, 2013 9:39 pm

Re: Taking the plunge!

Postby Bee » Wed Jan 01, 2014 9:57 pm

Thank you all for your kind words, it really helps.

Have messaged June on Facebook as I think some of you are in touch there, don't know other surnames and I think she is away on holiday so will await her return and hopefully join you all on Facebook.

Nikki, so glad you and the girls stayed with Paul and as you said made memories, as someone wrote to me recently whatever happens no one can take those memories away. I hope his pain relief is improving.

Julia, I know that you know just how hard this is x

Sandra, thank you and I will look out for your post.

Take care all

Bee xx

EmmaR
Posts: 197
Joined: Fri Sep 20, 2013 11:06 pm

Re: Taking the plunge!

Postby EmmaR » Wed Jan 01, 2014 11:03 pm

Dear Bee ,
The celebration of Chris 's. is life sounded wonderful but the reality of what as happened is not so ! But you were strong for all the occasions Christmas, New Year , and now it is one step at a time it's 6 weeks since my Jon passed we had been married 51 year's and I like you just want to hear his voice talk to him hold him and wonder how I will carry on with out him at my side but then I think of all the brave women on this forum in just the same position as us and it is the thought of them thinking the same about us gives me the strength to look at Jon!'s photo and smile but when I am angry boy do I shout at him ....

Take care all of you on this forum .
EmmaR x

Sueba
Posts: 94
Joined: Sat Oct 20, 2012 4:08 am

Re: Taking the plunge!

Postby Sueba » Fri Jan 03, 2014 12:30 am

Hi Bee
You have done amazingly well!
I lost my husband,at age 43,November 15th and found Christmas and New year extremely hard.My 3 boys were brilliant it was me in tears!
But like you say we just need to live an hour at a time for now,numbing my brain seems to be a survival technique!trouble is I keep loosing things,keys in the fridge etc
I'm sure in time we will be able to think of our hubbies with a smile rather than tears but for now just get through each day!
Hugs
Sue
X
P.s. Look me up on Facebook,Susan {name removed - moderator} ,don't be put off by the naked calendar pictures on my wall!!!!

belgrade
Posts: 157
Joined: Fri Jul 05, 2013 11:53 pm

Re: Taking the plunge!

Postby belgrade » Fri Jan 03, 2014 12:52 am

Hi Bee,
My heart goes out to you and all the others who have lost their husbands, I know exactly how you feel. I found Christmas quite difficult, but the New Year was in many ways harder. As Sue says, take it one day at a time. I find that trying to plan for the future sends me into a state of panic, so I go from day to day. Still find myself being drawn to this forum and feeling the sense of loss that is felt by many on here, but at the same time drawing support from the fact that others understand completely how you feel. Please keep posting!

Hilary x x

Bee
Posts: 219
Joined: Fri May 03, 2013 9:39 pm

Re: Taking the plunge!

Postby Bee » Wed Jan 08, 2014 10:48 pm

Hello , lovely ladies .
You are all so lovely with your thoughts and ongoing support. I never thought this kind of forum would be my thing, buts it's amazing how you connect with people who are miles away and have only PC in common.
Sue, I messages you on Facebook , wanted to check I had the right person before I sent a friend request, but maybe I got it wrong??
So another week has passed, been full of sorting affairs, tax forms, lists and paperwork, such a joy, especially when your brain is struggling to focus and it now seems a huge task to make a simple decision. Kids have gone back to school and so far it's going ok. I am still signed off sick and work seems a terrifying concept so not sure that I am ready for work yet, and then I feel,guilty about being off sick, so it's a no win situation.
It's four weeks tonight since I lost chris, someone asked me today if I felt angry. I don't and I haven't, I just feel numb or just desperately sad , mixed in with waves of fear for a future without him, is that just me or do some of you feel that way too ?
I think of everyone on here everyday, battling on against PC and making memories, or managing day by day and trying to find their way..

Take care all

Bee x

J_T
Posts: 954
Joined: Sun Mar 24, 2013 8:15 am

Re: Taking the plunge!

Postby J_T » Wed Jan 08, 2014 11:15 pm

Hi Bee
The paperwork is just a nightmare isn't it? I decided to do probate myself and sent it off last week. I'm now sweating that I filled the forms out correctly and stupidly I sent the stuff off recorded instead of registered! Oh well!

You are right that the future is a bit scary without your partner and you soon begin to realise that its now down to you to sort out any household problems and you just have to get stuck in.

Its early days yet Bee so don't be hard on yourself and certainly don't feel guilty about being off sick, they will manage. Go back when you are good and ready and not before.

Much love
Julia x

Carole McGregor
Posts: 50
Joined: Thu Dec 13, 2012 9:19 pm

Re: Taking the plunge!

Postby Carole McGregor » Wed Jan 08, 2014 11:58 pm

Hi Bee

So good to see your post. It's such a strange time isn't it ? Really hard to know what to say when people ask you how you are. When Clive died, I sat in the same position in our kitchen for hours as people came and went around me. I just felt heavy, if that makes any sense, as though my body had slumped and everything slowed down. Still feel that way and I think it's the profound sadness that you talk about. I've often wondered if it is worse to lose someone suddenly without warning or to have the pain of watching the person you love most in the world gradually slip away from you. Haven't reached any conclusion but do think that on some level, without realising it, I began preparing myself for the worst from the moment Clive was first diagnosed so in a way, have already gone through the shock and anger phases and now left with the deep grief and overwhelming sense of loss.

Your children are much the same age as mine (13 year old twins). They are worrying me a bit as they don't seem to want to talk about their Dad's death. How are yours doing ?

Paperwork is endless isn't it ? Discovered when cancelling Clive's credit card that we have been paying for a dial up Internet service for property we sold 7 years ago ! Oh the ear bashing I would give him if he was here !

Much love
Carole

PCUK Nurse Dianne
Posts: 284
Joined: Tue Aug 14, 2012 3:29 pm

Re: Taking the plunge!

Postby PCUK Nurse Dianne » Thu Jan 09, 2014 9:16 am

Morning ladies,

As I am sure you know Jeni and I try not to 'intervene' too much on the forum, as it is 'your space', however we do log in to check and make sure you are all safe and receiving good support and comfort from each other.

We appreciate this is such a difficult time for many of you with recent bereavement and also at this time of the year. I know for those of you with young children, even teenagers, it can be quite difficult knowing how to cope with their 'loss' and bereavement coping too. There are some bereavement support groups and charities available to you, and one of those well recognised ones is called Winston's Wish. This is a free service and they have a very 'user friendly' web site if you may be interested in having a browse over it (Winstonswish.org.uk).

Also don't forget to look after yourselves too, there are support facilities if you do feel that you would like to talk to someone, also if you have a local 'Maggies Centre', they come very highly recommended. We are also here if you do feel that you just want to chat.

Take care ladies and thinking of you.

Dianne
Support Team

nikkis
Posts: 513
Joined: Mon Jul 08, 2013 8:29 am

Re: Taking the plunge!

Postby nikkis » Thu Jan 09, 2014 10:33 am

Hi Bee,

If it makes you feel any better I have been off work since Paul had his surgery In May, there has just never been a point where things have been stable enough for me to go back, but I know what the guilt feels like.Very hard in our job to support other people when you are going through hell. I also think the times you spend alone between visits is difficult, but you will know when you are ready.

My dad died suddenly from a heart attack when I was 20 and like Carol I have wondered what is harder that sudden loss or this slow painful waiting. I think that this is perhaps harder as at least with a sudden loss you have not had a long disruption to normal life beforehand, and you know they haven't suffered. That's how I feel today anyway!

Take good care of yourselves,

Love,
Nikki

cestrian
Posts: 220
Joined: Mon Jun 03, 2013 12:20 pm

Re: Taking the plunge!

Postby cestrian » Thu Jan 09, 2014 12:40 pm

Hi All

Absolutely in awe of the courage shown by each and everyone of you following the deaths of your loved ones. Only you know how incredibly hard it is but the fact that you are able to post on here and offer each other such incredible love and support is truly inspirational.

My wife had a GP appointment this morning as, at 68, she is having some problems with her short term memory and also, on occasions, is a little confused. She seems to be suffereing form anxiety to some extent which she thinks is down to my diagnosis last year. I was very moved when she blurted out to the doctor "When anything happens to Mike I just don't want to go on!" I'm sure that some, if not all, of you have felt exactly the same at some time but I do truly hope she will find the strength that you all demonstrate. I know that our two adult children will give her loads of support when the time (hopefully a good way off) eventually comes. In the meantime I have vowed to be much kinder too her even when I'm not feeling 100% myself and get grumpy and short of patience. A bit of a surprise as she has always been very positive and even optimistic almost to the point where I have wondered if she truly understood my prognosis. She obviously does but has maybe suppressed the reality in her own mind to avoid the pain it would invoke.

Love and Peace

Mike