A forum for people to support each other after the loss of a loved one

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How are all your Ladies coping ?

Postby EmmaR » Fri Jan 24, 2014 4:36 pm

Well I am feeling very low at the moment it's 9 weeks since my hubby passed away I know that about 5 or 6 ladies lost their loved ones in the months leading up to Christmas so I was wondering how you are coping . I have a lovely supportive family near by and I know they are feeling it too but at the end of the day when it's only me wow do it hit me ,I go out for walks on my own and with family but I have to say at the moment the heartache and sadness is still an overwhelming feeling so how are you lovely ladies who went through everything I did while our loved ones were fighting PC coping with every day things with out them .

Love EmmaR x
Last edited by EmmaR on Sat Jan 25, 2014 12:25 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: How are all your Ladies coping ?

Postby J_T » Fri Jan 24, 2014 7:32 pm

Hi Emma, sorry to hear you are struggling a bit, but early days yet.

I lost Ray 12 October and I think I'm coping quite well. Not as teary as I was but still when I do feel them coming on I tend to swallow them back. I look at Ray's photo every night before sleep, a picture of him smiling back at me and I just have to shake my head because I still can't quite believe he's not coming back.

I've tried to keep busy. I've been to swear my oath for Grant of Probate and sent off to the registry, should hear soon. Once that is done I just have to sort his premium bonds then that should be it paperwork wise. I think we're lucky we have photos and video of our loved ones these days. It's kind of bitter sweet but overall it does help me.

Julia x

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Re: How are all your Ladies coping ?

Postby belgrade » Fri Jan 24, 2014 9:02 pm

Hi Emma and Julia,
Dave died in September and I think I've finally accepted that it's not all a bad dream. I function well on a day to day basis, enjoy looking after my young grand-daughter two days a week, meet friends for lunch, shopping etc. but coming home to an empty house and not having anyone there to share your day is very hard. I think one of the difficulties for me is the fact that I only retired seven months before Dave was taken ill and we were very much enjoying a "chilled out" lifestyle (having taught in secondary education for 38 years) consequently I had not developed a "retired" lifestyle where I had planned to do voluntary work, go to the theatre more often etc. This is certainly not the retirement we had planned, but as I've said in a previous post, I still have the choice to live a rich and fulfilling life. Dave was denied that choice, but I will do all the things we'd planned and in a strange way, he will still be beside me. I still talk to him, ask his opinion about things, I always knew what his respose would be. People say to keep busy, and I find this easy to do as I'm fortunate in that I'm never short of someone to go out with, but the profound loss is not having someone to do "nothing" with. I just miss him being there. Dave was always the joker and had a wonderful sense of humour and I feel at the moment that the "sunshine" has gone out of my life. I'm sure the sun will shine again, but not just yet.
Sorry for the ramble, just thinking aloud.

Hilary x x

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Re: How are all your Ladies coping ?

Postby EmmaR » Fri Jan 24, 2014 11:12 pm

Thank you Julia and Hilary ,
I think we all feel the same Julia I do as you do every night look at Jon's photo and shake my head and in the morning I say well it 's another day with out you help me get through it , Hilary I have just started to take my youngest grandson to school again ( parents have to work ) and me and Grandad have taken him since he started but as you said it's the empty house that gets to you , I talk to Jon and shout sometimes at his photo telling him when I sit with my evening meal on a tray watching rubbish on tv I say look at what you have reduced me to ! then I think that's not what he would have wanted , when he realised how ill he was I said but we have had 51 wonderful years of marriage and he said but I want more ...

Sorry for rambling but we have all done it on this so helpful forum many times before and by posting today and receiving your replies I do feel a little more positive and not so alone in my what I think is my why me situation.
Thanks girls for being there as always .
Emma x

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Re: How are all your Ladies coping ?

Postby Bee » Sat Jan 25, 2014 12:09 am

Hi Emma and everyone,
It's six weeks and one day since I lost Chris. It is so very hard and in many ways harder now than the days just after he died. I feel like he will just walk in at any minute, but if course he won't. I long to hear his voice, and snuggle up next to him at night but I can't. I have an amazing group of friends and family but as you say coming home to reality is hard. I live day by day and try to keep busy. Two kids at home gives structure to the days and we are all looking after each other. The thing I find so hard is trying to help them and as a mum knowing that I can't fix this or take their pain way, it's heartbreaking. Right now it doesn't help but one day I know I will take comfort from the fact that chris knew how much we loved him, and he lived life to the full until the very end.
A friend said to me yesterday that grief is like having a belly full of sharp stones in the pit of your stomach, they will be there forever but the sharp bits will smooth down with time, I hop so , because right now the pain and sadness is intense.

Bee xx

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Re: How are all your Ladies coping ?

Postby Cathy » Sat Jan 25, 2014 12:37 pm

Hi Emma and my other lovely friends

It is very early days for me.. My Jonathan's funeral is next week. The pain is terrible at times. My friends have rallied around which does help.

All I will say is that I do think knowing others have tread this path before me really helps.. As does the knowledge that it will become easier in time.

As partners I think we need to take comfort in knowing we did all, everything, we possibly could to make things better and, by doing so, we actually did. No one else could have done more or done it as well. This is what I think.

Cathy xx

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Re: How are all your Ladies coping ?

Postby EmmaR » Sat Jan 25, 2014 4:59 pm

Well I don't think there is a quick fix for any of us coping with the loss of our loved ones as Bee said the pain and sadness is so intense ,Cathy you are right knowing others have walked the same path does help ,and like Julia I am trying to swallow back the tears and as Hilary said the sunshine as gone out of her life ,so let's hope as we move forward one step at a time even if it's a small step things will get brighter for us all .

Can I share this little story with you last week our youngest grandson aged 8 ( we have 4 grandsons and 1 granddaughter ) asked his Mum my daughter - in - law did she think someone who died could come back she paused and said I think the answer to that as to be no then asked him why he wanted to know his reply was well grandad never went anywhere with out his watch and it's still in granny 's bedroom ! and me not having the heart to move it from where Jon last put it when he took it off and of course when he is dropped off for me to take him to school and I am getting ready he pops in the bedroom for the usual bounce on the bed so must have seen it , he then told his mum grandad always said right let's check that I have everything before we leave and with actions he would say wallet ,watch ,testicles and spectacles and it would have them in fits of laughter boys being boys you know which word they would find hilarious , it just go to show even children are thinking and struggling with their thoughts .
Hope it made you smile a little at this very sad time as it did me thinking about Jon saying those words as we would be getting ready for a trip with them to the beach or park and I am sure you all have wonderful memories to help you carry on .

Cathy be strong on Friday we will all be thinking about you as you have done so many times for us .

EmmaR x

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Re: How are all your Ladies coping ?

Postby Cathy » Sun Jan 26, 2014 11:04 am

Hi Emma

Thank you. His funeral is on Wednesday. We're nearly there I think with plans.

The watch story resonated a bit with me.. your saying that it hadn't been moved from when Jon last took it off. Each day I've been trying to do something (moving something or clearing something away) like his clothes from the chair in the bedroom (now in his wardrobe) was a biggy. His toothbrush is still next to the sink though. Something's might not be moving for a while.

Love to you ladies

Cathy xx

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Re: How are all your Ladies coping ?

Postby EmmaR » Sun Jan 26, 2014 5:41 pm

Sorry Cathy got the day wrong I do remember you saying the 29th, yes the moving of items are a big thing but I suppose we have to do it sometime or other but as my daughter says there is no rush if they give us comfort .

Emma x

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Re: How are all your Ladies coping ?

Postby Birchen » Sun Jan 26, 2014 6:07 pm

Hello to all you ladies who have recently lost their loved one. I have read all the posts and feel exactly the same. It feels like I am going through the day to day living but I do not feel as if I am really here. I know is sounds rubbish and I admit to do find myself talking to Terry all the time especially at night when the house is empty, which I find is a great help. Terry seems to have thought of everything and had asked several ladies to make sure I get out and about which they are sorting out lunches and evenings out, which is so thoughtful of them all. Oh, Cathy good luck for Wednesday and I am sure the day will go in a blur. I find myself going over Terry's funeral quite a lot as people keep telling me they were there but I can honestly say I don't remember who was and who wasn't there. It is comforting to know that maybe the pain will get less but everything just stills seems so hard at the moment. Thinking of you all so much as we are all going through exactly the same pain. Love Lyn xx

Carole McGregor
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Re: How are all your Ladies coping ?

Postby Carole McGregor » Mon Jan 27, 2014 12:12 am

Hello ladies

It's now 3 months since Clive died. Some days are ok. On others, I make packed lunches for the kids, wave them off to school and go back to bed and cry all day. I have great friends and a really supportive family but nothing can fill the void that Clive has left. Everything that happened in that year from diagnosis to death keeps going round in a loop in my head. I spent days detailing it all for a formal complaint that my MSP has lodged with the NHS on my behalf - 5 weeks for an 'urgent' CT scan, over 3 months to start chemotherapy, no palliative care available the weekend before Clive died etc etc. I know in my heart of hearts that the outcome would probably have been the same for Clive regardless but the experience has left a wound that I fear will never heal and a bitterness that is hard to contain.

So, I struggle on. Stress induced eczema on my face, a miserable cold that I can't seem to shake off, physio for muscle spasms and trapped nerves - time for a holiday I think. Another first without Clive.

Cathy - I have a feeling that Jonathan's funeral is going to be a very special event and I hope you find comfort in all the wonderful memories that will be shared on the day.

My love to you all.

marie souter
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Re: How are all your Ladies coping ?

Postby marie souter » Mon Jan 27, 2014 5:40 am

hi emma,

aw am not coping at all .. still .. its getting worse if anything .. my heart goes out to you all xx

PCUK Nurse Dianne
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Re: How are all your Ladies coping ?

Postby PCUK Nurse Dianne » Thu Jan 30, 2014 3:42 pm

Hi Ladies,

It is so lovely to have you all supporting each other. These can be difficult days for you all at different stages along the 'journey after PC' and your stories are sad, touching and humbling. You have all been so supportive of each other on this great forum, and I am sure you will have close links for some time. Winter and the dull dreary days do not do much to encourage us at all. Have you ever thought of trying to arrange a 'face to face' get together somewhere central? I am sure it would be an emotional day, however something for you all to look forward to and share a common bond. I am sure you already feel like great friends and this may be something that you could do perhaps on a 'semi-regular basis' then if you wanted?
It is worth thinking about, and I am sure if you arranged a 'get together (ie lunch or otherwise) would give you all something lovely to look forward to a little later in the year. Give it some thought ladies, happy to chat about it if you want any input.
It is so lovely to see you supporting each other in this way. Take care all and be proud of all that you are achieving.

Support Team

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Re: How are all your Ladies coping ?

Postby Jwilson » Thu Jan 30, 2014 7:22 pm

As another one of the PC survivors group I thought I would have a go at putting feelings into words. Bill died November 19th after being diagnosed on April 12th. My biggest problem is this.....how unfair life was to Bill! That's it. I live on my own, I hate my own company, I stay up very late....don't I Julia? The empty house is just horrible. I try to keep busy. I am planning fundraising for the local cancer centre by holding a sort of supper club at home. If I have a whole evening ahead I buy ingredients and cook curry! Crazy I know but it gives me something to do and there is a purpose....fundraising. The freezer is kind of full just now but three curry nights booked so far. This lot on here as in pancreaticcancer.co.uk need our support too so a donate page, purple ribbons and now a quiz being planned gives me a focus. I am turning out to be more practical than I ever thought.
The unfairness to Bill is what I find so distressing. Why did he have to suffer that shocking pain? Why did his legs blow up so that he fell downstairs? Why did eating cause such agony? He was fit and healthy and this time last year we had no idea what was ahead for him.
He worked for almost 40 years. He didn't get a day of retirement and here I am....planning to do things to our house, able to go where I want and he had all of his retirement plus the possibility of grandchildren snatched away.
Sadly for those just recently diagnosed the doctors really do know what's going to happen as they see it every day. We feel upset by how blunt they can be and we don't want to give up but at the moment......the outlook is bleak. I feel so sad on the forum now. Different names, same terrible diagnosis. I really hope that in the not too distant future the prognosis is more hopeful and that progress has been made. I will do my beys with the fundraising....then they won't have died in vain

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Re: How are all your Ladies coping ?

Postby Sueba » Sat Feb 01, 2014 12:24 am

Hi all

It's 11 weeks since Mick died and I still can't quite believe it....
As others have mentioned the pain of grief is the hardest thing,ups and downs all day,plus as you can see from the time I've posted I'm not sleeping!
I went through the ordeal of an inquest yesterday,something else to bring me crashing back down.Friends are saying now you can draw a line under things....not really the pain is still there
I'm keeping busy seeing friends,looking after my 3 boys and all the paperwork etc which helps as a distraction.
I'm worried I'm becoming a miserable sod though,I'm not used to being this kind of person and in my positive moments I can picture him saying "man up!!"
Like others I've been fund raising for PCUK with our naked calendar,it's been a great distraction to be honest plus if we can raise awareness in our community it's a bonus.
For now I'm trying to live hour by hour and fulfil Micks promise to look after our sons

Love and hugs to all