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PCUK Nurse Dianne
Posts: 286
Joined: Tue Aug 14, 2012 3:29 pm

Re: Dealing with Mum's diagnosis...

Postby PCUK Nurse Dianne » Tue May 10, 2016 11:01 am

Dear CLM,

So sorry to hear of mum's passing, and please do accept our deepest sympathies and condolences from all the nurses on the support team. Thank you for sharing your innermost thoughts and brave face at this time.

You posts about the hospice environment are so important for others to hear so that they are also able to enter this amazing environment without fear at a very special time in their lives.

Thinking of you in coming days and weeks.

With our heartfelt sympathies.

Pancreatic Cancer Specialist Nurses
Pancreatic Cancer UK Support Service.

CurlyLittleMiss
Posts: 23
Joined: Fri Apr 01, 2016 12:25 am

Re: Dealing with Mum's diagnosis...

Postby CurlyLittleMiss » Fri May 13, 2016 10:05 pm

This has been one of the weirdest weeks of my life. I don't think it has sunk in yet, I'm still very calm about it all (and at times, I feel guilty for not being a complete wreck.)

I don't think I appreciated quite how many lives mum had touched through her life. When we have been the ones talking, we've been able to control the conversation and therefore our emotions. We've had lots of lovely cards in the post with kind words and memories of mum and while I know I'll look back in a few weeks/months and love them, they are very hard to read at the minute, but I also can't believe they've been sent because my mum is gone.

I popped in to work a couple of days ago and this afternoon just to get it 'over and done with' for want of a better phrase. I was absolutely fine when talking to colleagues, but as soon as some of my Year 6s saw me and asked how I was, I broke, especially when I saw a bunch of flowers and a card from them on my desk. A couple of them had written in the card along the lines of, "You're always there for us when we are sad, we are here for you too."

We have been able to sort mum's funeral, but have had a battle to get an appointment to register her death. Between us, dad and I phoned them 10 times yesterday after we'd got the necessary paperwork from the hospice, but with no answer. It took an email (one with the right amount of force, mum taught me well) before we got a response and were able to make an appointment for Monday. Hopefully that will soon put an end to the stream of official letters expressing sympathy for our loss but in the next paragraph asking for all sorts of documents.

It's unsettling to realise that while our world has just fallen apart, everything else carries on around you.
CLM x

sandraW
Posts: 1039
Joined: Thu Oct 31, 2013 5:38 pm

Re: Dealing with Mum's diagnosis...

Postby sandraW » Sat May 14, 2016 11:32 am

CLM,
I think your last statement is so true! its so hard to accept that others, and the world in general, can just carry on when your world has imploded.
How lovely that your Class 6 so obviously want to give back all the love and compassion you have given them in the past, you will also cherish those cards in time to come believe me, and they will make you cry and smile at the same time.
As for the feeling that you are unable to grasp the fact that your mum has gone, its a feeling we who have lost loved ones know only too well, it all takes time, and although we know deep down they have gone, accepting the fact is very different.. Wishing you love and strength for this next stage of your journey, take care sandrax xx

Didge
Posts: 825
Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2013 10:35 am

Re: Dealing with Mum's diagnosis...

Postby Didge » Sat May 14, 2016 1:38 pm

CLM, I think we forget about all the things that come after a death. I was surprised when I got cards (and delighted, I was very touched by them) but then having been through this before, I have no idea why I didn't remember things to expect, like cards. I also found registering the death had moved on - what happened to the legal requirement of registering a death within 5 days?!! However, I managed to sweet talk myself into an instant appointment by just turning up! Some areas do have a 'just turn up' arrangement if you don't mind waiting, if you don't want to book. But having to make 10 phone calls and an email are definitely not something you should have to go through - there is enough to deal with already. I also resonate with your breaking down with the students. Often we are strong when we are prepared and then something sneaks in and gets us - people being kind to me always does it! Hope the stream of officialdom eases off soon xx

CurlyLittleMiss
Posts: 23
Joined: Fri Apr 01, 2016 12:25 am

Re: Dealing with Mum's diagnosis...

Postby CurlyLittleMiss » Tue May 17, 2016 9:00 pm

Hello all,

Well, I think it is safe to say mum's death has well and truly hit me today. I'd gone back to work yesterday (after a painful trip to the register office) and was fine, made it through another day today, but then had a phone call from dad just after all the children had gone home to say that my granddad had suffered a suspected mini stroke this morning.

On hearing that I just completely fell apart and couldn't cope. Luckily (I think) I had the meltdown in front of a colleague who helped me get stuff ready for tomorrow and told me in no uncertain terms not to come in for at least another day. I'm very good at giving people advice and absolutely appalling at following it myself.

The register office just seems to have added to the problems. We eventually managed to get booked in for yesterday morning at 9.15, so we assumed it was the first appointment as they opened at 9. We got there and booked in with reception (the lady had a copy of who they would be seeing in front of her) and were asked to wait in the waiting room. The registrar came in and took a couple off to register their daughter, which we thought nothing of, as we assumed there was probably more than one on duty...only to still be waiting at nearly 10am. When we were eventually seen, we found out they had a problem with their system and couldn't access their bookings for today (although the receptionist managed!)so they had got muddled with who they were seeing. If I hadn't been with dad I might have said something, but it just seemed to add to the strain of all of this. At least we now have the certificate, but maybe that's why it has now hit me-this one bit of paper says that my mum isn't coming back.

CLM x

Linda G
Posts: 108
Joined: Fri Sep 11, 2015 2:06 pm

Re: Dealing with Mum's diagnosis...

Postby Linda G » Tue May 17, 2016 9:28 pm

Hello CLM, I haven't posted on your thread before but I have followed your sad (as they all are) story. Just want you to know that my thoughts are with you and your family at this sad time. The official business is very difficult isn't it? I used the "tell us once" service but still had to deal with official stuff after that. It just becomes so stressful. I agree with Didge, people being kind gets me every time, though to be honest it doesn't take much.
Take care
Linda G
XX

shelda
Posts: 59
Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2016 11:41 pm

Re: Dealing with Mum's diagnosis...

Postby shelda » Sat May 21, 2016 11:23 pm

Oh CLM I'm so sorry about your mum, as didge said on mine we've now crossed the divide, I've not been feeling up to posting after mum passed on 3rd May, I still can't come to terms it's all feeling very unreal I expect you are the same. Sending so much love to you and your family it bloody sucks!!!!

sandraW
Posts: 1039
Joined: Thu Oct 31, 2013 5:38 pm

Re: Dealing with Mum's diagnosis...

Postby sandraW » Sun May 22, 2016 10:48 am

CLM, what you went through registering your mum's death is inexcusable, for goodness sake, they know what people are there for, albeit some are for happy occasions such as registering a birth, they should have explained the situation and asked for appointment times from everyone and what they were there for, perhaps when you are feeling stronger, you could have a word just so it doesn't happen to some one else. I remember when we registered my husband's death we did it through the "tell us once service", so she gave us some paperwork when we got back to the car we realised it was for someone else, when my son took it back he told her in no uncertain terms what he thought about the mix up, its not what you need at such times.
Poor you hearing that your granddad is now unwell too, I hope he is improving, meltdown is there for a reason it releases pressure, we can only put on a brave face for so long and tears do help heal.
I hope you are feeling a little stronger now but it is very early days, and I am sure there will be lots more tears along the way take care sandrax xx

CurlyLittleMiss
Posts: 23
Joined: Fri Apr 01, 2016 12:25 am

Re: Dealing with Mum's diagnosis...

Postby CurlyLittleMiss » Sat May 28, 2016 10:53 pm

Hello all,

Things have been very up and down as you'd expect in the last few weeks. Still not really sure how we are now three weeks later, I honestly don't know where time has gone.

We still haven't had mum's funeral, which is hard, but with everything we've had to sort and the hold up in being issued the death certificate, I honestly don't know how we would have managed to arrange it in a shorter period of time. My dad is still trying to get his head around what he wants to say and hoping he will be strong enough to say it.

Thankfully granddad is on the mend now and can finally hear again after 7 months of faffing with his hearing aids (it's so nice not be blasted by the volume on the tv as soon as you walk through the door!)

I have drafted a letter to send to the register office when things have all calmed down. Thankfully the info they gave us for the 'tell us once' thing was actually about mum, otherwise I think dad would have let me loose in there.

CLM x

CurlyLittleMiss
Posts: 23
Joined: Fri Apr 01, 2016 12:25 am

Re: Dealing with Mum's diagnosis...

Postby CurlyLittleMiss » Mon Jun 13, 2016 10:44 am

Hello all,

So it has now been five weeks since we lost mum and I'm still not entirely sure where that time has gone.

We had mum's funeral last Monday. Everyone tells me it was a good service, but I can't really say I remember too much about it, I was in my own little world. As harsh and as horrible as this sounds, it was good to see my brother finally show some emotion over the situation, I was getting worried he was bottling everything up too much.

Thankfully, the sun was shining which meant we were able to walk behind the hearse as it left the house round to the church, which is what my dad wanted. And although there were tears during the services at church and the crematorium (especially after my granddad called out "Goodbye my little girl" as we left the chapel), it was mostly a day of laughter, stories and my family up to their usual tricks, which mum would have loved.

We held the reception at a lovely venue overlooking the lake in our local park and the staff there were amazing. They were the only people when we were looking for somewhere who actually seemed to want to cater for what we wanted, rather than just sticking to their usual menus and everyone said how well it was done and that it had my mum's name written all over it.

The only thing now, is I feel at a loss. While we had the funeral to plan and wait for, we had a purpose, something to keep us going as there was so much to do. And also, before last Monday, it was almost like it wasn't all real, because mum was still physically here, even if not with us. Now, it's all final, she really is gone and isn't coming back and we have to start getting back to 'normal'.

CLM x

sandraW
Posts: 1039
Joined: Thu Oct 31, 2013 5:38 pm

Re: Dealing with Mum's diagnosis...

Postby sandraW » Mon Jun 13, 2016 11:02 am

Hi CLM, It is so hard as you say while the planning and organising is going on, you somehow cope better, but when that's over stark reality hits. I am glad it was a lovely day for your Mum's cremation, it does make it easier some how, and it sounds as though you planned it all just as she would have wanted. The hole your Mum has left in your life will never be filled, but she will be with you in your heart and mind forever, take care love sandrax xx

Evamed83
Posts: 1
Joined: Sat Jun 11, 2016 12:26 pm

Re: Dealing with Mum's diagnosis...

Postby Evamed83 » Mon Jun 13, 2016 4:49 pm

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shelda
Posts: 59
Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2016 11:41 pm

Re: Dealing with Mum's diagnosis...

Postby shelda » Tue Jun 14, 2016 1:43 am

Oh Curly, can totally relate to everything you are saying and going through, it's 6 weeks today since I last held and kisses my mum and most days I still walk around in a daze doesn't feel real!!! It sounds like your mum would have been so proud, I cried when I read about your grandad, like my nan I know how bad it feels for us losing our mums but it's not right for a parent to lose a child a whatever age. You can email me if you every need to hun as we are pretty much at the exact same point with our loss. Sending lots of love Shel xx

CurlyLittleMiss
Posts: 23
Joined: Fri Apr 01, 2016 12:25 am

Re: Dealing with Mum's diagnosis...

Postby CurlyLittleMiss » Thu Aug 04, 2016 2:49 am

Hello all, apologies for the silence for the last few weeks.

I somehow managed to make it to the end of what has been the most awful school year I have ever worked through. It just seemed to be one thing after another and then another for good measure.

Today though I am feeling guilty. I'm currently sitting in my lovely hotel room in Mexico. But I've just had a big meltdown on my friend because I'm feeling guilty for being here, relaxing and enjoying myself while my dad is 'stuck' at home.

In truth, he couldn't get me to the airport quickly enough last week and probably would have packed my suitcase for me if I'd given him enough time. But still, I feel bad for enjoying all these things that he should be doing with my mum. I know in all honesty, he's probably enjoying having a bit of a break from me checking on him!

I don't think it's helping that I'll be 30 in a few weeks and not only will this be the first birthday without mum, I found an email from her the other week promising me she'd be here for it after I jokingly told her off for going away for my birthday last year. We had big plans for this summer and were going to celebrate my 30th and mum and dads 60ths together. Now, I'm just not interested.

I know we are starting the get to that stage of 'firsts' without mum and I'm dreading her birthday in September. But I know as tough as they will be, we will get through them together.

My friend has assured me while it doesn't necessarily get any easier, you become more able to deal with these important dates in your own way (his dad died nearly 3 years ago now) and will find a new way to celebrate.

CLM x