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sandraW
Posts: 1040
Joined: Thu Oct 31, 2013 5:38 pm

Re: Feeling totally lost

Postby sandraW » Sun May 15, 2016 11:27 am

Hi Shelda,
As PW is not around at the moment, I thought I would reply to you, you need to email the nurses for Monday, and ask that they pass your email address on to PW, she can then contact you directly.
Glad your Mum's final resting place is so beautiful, and that the funeral all went well. As for getting back to normality, it will be a totally new normality for you without your lovely mum, but you can be sure she will never leave you, and will be with you always, take care love sandrax xx

Proud Wife
Posts: 740
Joined: Sun Jan 17, 2016 9:28 am

Re: Feeling totally lost

Postby Proud Wife » Sun May 15, 2016 8:16 pm

Thanks for advising Shel, Sandra. Would love contact, it sounds like the shock hasn't really hit you yet and I'd like to be there for you when it does.

I think you have to follow your heart and stay with your Dad whilst if feels right, is your hubby okay with that? Your mum must have been a very special, much loved lady indeed to pack the church out. I hope that gives you and your family a little comfort.

Much love xx

Thinking of you xx

shelda
Posts: 59
Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2016 11:41 pm

Re: Feeling totally lost

Postby shelda » Sat May 21, 2016 11:46 pm

Hello hope everyone is okay. The last few weeks still feel like a sad film I've watched, I've cried a couple of quick tears in unexpected places like HSBC and Morrison's but I'm managing to plug it all somehow as I'm really afraid of starting and not being able to stop. I have been referred to occupational health through my work as I've just not been able to go in, my job demands alot and the way I feel I'm too distracted and feel unable to do it, I feel like I'm maybe being too self indulgent by being off but I just can't face anyone not in my little circle at the moment. I've just cried reading Curly Little Miss posts about her beloved mum as I couldn't believe how our experience in final days were pretty much identical!!! Love to everyone xxx

Linda G
Posts: 108
Joined: Fri Sep 11, 2015 2:06 pm

Re: Feeling totally lost

Postby Linda G » Sun May 22, 2016 10:30 am

Hi Shelda, I am thinking of you in the lost place you are at the moment. I know from experience that everything you do has the ability to bring tears. Simple things like the supermarket shop, the sunshine and the rain, a favourite program on tv. Anything really. You try to keep it in when there are others around but its so difficult. I try to wait until I am home alone (which is most of the time) then just let it out. You are perfectly allowed to be self indulgent in your grief. Its thirteen weeks now for my husband and there are still tears every day, sometimes a few and sometimes a lot. And lots of things I can't do. I still only see a few people, like you I cannot face anyone else. Take your time and do whatever feels right for you. Take care.
Linda G
xxxx

sandraW
Posts: 1040
Joined: Thu Oct 31, 2013 5:38 pm

Re: Feeling totally lost

Postby sandraW » Sun May 22, 2016 11:07 am

Hi Shelda, A good cry will not hurt you, you don't have to be brave you have lost your lovely mum and its devastating for you, you are certainly not being self indulgent. It's still early days and it takes time to work through grief and what's right for one is not right for the other. Its good that your work are being supportive too. just take care of yourself it might take time but it will get easier, sandrax xx

Marmalade

Re: Feeling totally lost

Postby Marmalade » Mon May 23, 2016 10:02 pm

Dear Shelda,

There is no time limit on grief. You don't wake up one day and feel fine, it's a process of adjustment that can take a very long time. Everyone says it get easier and it does but it's very early days yet. Don't worry about crying in the supermarket or anywhere else, grief doesn't have to be hidden and there is hardly a soul out there who has not felt the same or who will not feel the same at some point. Let the tears come, you are not crazy, just very very sad. When the tears are done, which may take a while I hope you will find comfort in the memories of when you were all well and and full of vitality and life was good. It won't always be like this and the fog will clear it just takes a while and it won't be hurried so be gentle with yourself. M x

boa
Posts: 131
Joined: Thu Jul 09, 2015 1:13 pm

Re: Feeling totally lost

Postby boa » Tue May 24, 2016 7:22 am

Marmalade, that is a very comforting post for us all. Thank you. Catherine

Proud Wife
Posts: 740
Joined: Sun Jan 17, 2016 9:28 am

Re: Feeling totally lost

Postby Proud Wife » Tue May 24, 2016 7:04 pm

Have emailed you xx

PCUK Nurse Jeni
Posts: 1088
Joined: Mon Jun 14, 2010 1:30 pm

Re: Feeling totally lost

Postby PCUK Nurse Jeni » Wed May 25, 2016 10:26 am

Beautiful post Marmalade, thank you.

Jeni,
Support Team.

shelda
Posts: 59
Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2016 11:41 pm

Re: Feeling totally lost

Postby shelda » Mon Jun 06, 2016 1:08 am

Thought I'd pop back on, still feeling lost, more than ever. It was mum's birthday on Thurs then a month since she died on Friday. I still feel dazed, angry and alone as my dad, aunt and others are experiencing the same it's sometimes hard to talk about what's happening inside you incase it upsets them. A few tears have been shed but I still keep swallowing them down afraid to let go. I keep questioning whether I did everything possible, wondering why this had to happen (which we all do I expect) I'm feeling so close to complete meltdown it scares me, do I just go with it or clench my jaw and keep it in...I really wish I could go somewhere isolated and scream. I miss mum so much everyday, how can you still feel somebody but not be able to see them or touch them, I almost feel like a child who doesn't know better by questioning it all the time, I lie awake for hours replying different things that have happened over the last 11 months, and even find myself drifting off during the day into the videos of it all in my head. I have to go and see a therapist tomorrow for my job for them to assess me, wouldn't mind but none of my managers have even been in touch to send condolences about mum, not even a lousy card, but get HR to put me through speaking to some stranger as you can probably tell I'm pretty angry about it!!!!
Anyway rant over, love to all my fellow PC warriors xxx

sandraW
Posts: 1040
Joined: Thu Oct 31, 2013 5:38 pm

Re: Feeling totally lost

Postby sandraW » Mon Jun 06, 2016 9:50 am

Shelda, Sorry to hear you are still feeling so down, but its perfectly understandable as its such early days yet. I think we all get those feelings did we do enough should we have done this or......
This disease is so cruel, and can be so quick, and we all wonder why us, but that's just life I suppose, hard though it is. Its such a shame that work have not been more supportive but as I have said before its difficult for people who have not been through what you have to just understand how you are feeling but it helps us so much just to know that people are thinking of us,
I hope the meeting with the therapist is of some help for you,and is not as bad as you are expecting I understand they are a stranger, but hopefully they will be a well trainer stranger and that you will be able to get some things off your chest, take care and let us know how you are doing, love sandrax xx

PCUK Nurse Jeni
Posts: 1088
Joined: Mon Jun 14, 2010 1:30 pm

Re: Feeling totally lost

Postby PCUK Nurse Jeni » Mon Jun 06, 2016 11:31 am

Hi Shelda,

So sorry to hear all this, and the fact that your work have not been in touch or supportive confounds it all. It is a welfare issue, but some work places are much better at this than others.

I really hope that you are able to open up to the therapist - as Sandra says, hopefully, they will be really effective and make you feel like you matter, and are able to open up to them. You might find it does you the world of good, hopefully.

Have you had any sort of bereavement counselling at all? Is this something you feel might benefit you Shelda? Maybe it would be god to "share the load" of the replaying in your mind with a trained professional, to see how they can help you through this? Cruse bereavement counsellors have helped many folk on here, and otherwise.

Take care,
Jeni.

Pancreatic Cancer Specialist Nurse,
Support team.

Linda G
Posts: 108
Joined: Fri Sep 11, 2015 2:06 pm

Re: Feeling totally lost

Postby Linda G » Tue Jun 07, 2016 8:02 pm

Hi Shelda, it's very, very early days in your grief for your Mum, don't be so hard on yourself. I know what you mean about not letting go in front of family members. I stopped going to see my older sister because her and her husband both got so upset when I cried. I went yesterday for the first time in weeks. I only stayed 15 minutes so as not to upset them. My younger sister the opposite, she lets me cry as often and as much as I need to. I sometimes go to the garden of remembrance in our local crematorium and howl out my grief. Its easier on rainy days as there is nobody there. I still cry every day, sometimes for a little while and sometimes for hours. Its 15 weeks since my husband died. Like you I go back over everything that happened over and over again. I think it's probably quite normal. I am going to a bereavement group for the first time tomorrow. It's not something I thought I would ever do but the waiting time for individual sessions is 10-12 weeks. Talking to a stranger might help you, I do hope so. I don't really know what to expect from a group meeting but it can't do any harm.Take care Shelda.
Linda G
XXX
Linda G
XXX

Proud Wife
Posts: 740
Joined: Sun Jan 17, 2016 9:28 am

Re: Feeling totally lost

Postby Proud Wife » Tue Jun 07, 2016 10:18 pm

Don't get me started on crying! I think between us all,we must be keeping kleenex in business!

I think bereavement counselling can be so helpful and Linda, I happen to think a group meeting will do you the world of good because you'll be surrounded by people in exactly the same position. Really pleased that you are taking the brave decision to go. Please let us know how it goes

How are you Shel? Xxx

shelda
Posts: 59
Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2016 11:41 pm

Re: Feeling totally lost

Postby shelda » Tue Jun 14, 2016 1:26 am

Hello everyone, doing one of my late night visits again,thank you Linda, Sandra, Jeni and not forgetting PW. The nurse I was sent to was very nice and told me to just go with what I'm feeling, thinking and don't question the process and thanks to your kind words on here I have been able to open up a bit more with people and have shed a few more tears. It's been another hard week as dad wanted me to sort all mums stuff for charity, other family members, etc...alot of stuff brings back memories and the smell of her in the wardrobe it's taking ages as I just want to sit with her stuff and remember good times, definitely some outfits I can't get rid of which luckily dad is fine with, he wants to declutter as he's said the "stuff" isn't where his memories are they are inside him. It's going to be a hard few days again as I'm turning 40 and so desperately wanted mum to be with me at this milestone,my family are throwing me a small party so I know mum will definitely be there in spirit, she loved a good get together. Plus I've my friends husbands funeral tomorrow, he was diagnosed with lung cancer a month before mums diagnosis last June, he passed away 3 weeks after mum, it's bloody awful so much cancer!!!