Page 23 of 25
Posted: Thu May 05, 2016 11:06 pm
I am sending you Cyber hugs Sheena. From what I have read of other stories this is not unusual so please don't beat yourself up. You are allowed to grieve and there is nothing wrong with that. I will leave it to the others who have been there to help you, I just wouldn't want to say the wrong thing. All my love, L x
Posted: Fri May 06, 2016 11:11 am
Please do not apologise at all for coming back onto the forums. This is why they exist as well, to help people like yourself, who have lost a loved one to the disease. You are more than welcome to keep coming on when it is suitable for you - the impact of pancreatic cancer does not just stop after the loved one passes away - its a journey, day by day.
Sheena, there is nothing wrong with whats happening for you right now - you are going through stages of grief, and sometimes, out of the blue, it just intensifies - this can be weeks, months or even years later. Its probably not possible to pinpoint precisely why you are feeling like you are after 3 weeks - as Dandygal said, there is nothing wrong with this. Each person will grieve in a different way - for some, their answer is to "get busy", work, "back to routine" - thats what works for them, and it helps them to cope with the feeling of loss. Others will not be able to leave the house, sometimes, even getting out of bed is a struggle, nothing seems worth it anymore, they feel like giving up etc...Still others have a balanced attitude to grief - they have their "sad" moments, and always keep positive memories alive, but are able to move on and face forward. And there are those who don't move on, and who need professional help to deal with the deep emotions attached with the grief.
Its very early days Sheena - 3 weeks is nothing, and you are bound to have the days where the tears flow - there is nothing wrong with expressing your emotions through shedding of tears - its actually quite a positive thing, and I am sure Steve will not be cross with you at all, Sheena. You do need to be kind to yourself when it comes to this, and don't have "high expectations" of yourself to "move on", be "doing well", etc....Being strong can be maintained for a period, but actually, none of us can be 100% strong 100% of the time.
You have had a pretty torrid time in the past several months Sheena, and have endured a lot looking after Steve, as did he I know. Don't put a time scale on your grieving. Acknowledge it, and process it, in as much time as is needed.
Cruse bereavement care run a helpline, and it might be useful for you to be able to call them and have a chat just to hear from those trained in this area, and see whether they can help you (I am sure they can). Here is their web address:
Take care Sheena.
Posted: Fri May 06, 2016 12:26 pm
So sorry I missed your post, I agree with every single word Jeni has posted.
As for tears I think they are healing although they can be exhausting and give me a very red nose.
I still cry at the stupidest things as you say looking out into the garden and it suddenly hits Steve/ Trevor is never going to be there again its soul destroying,and frightening too. I drove past something the other day and thought Oh I must tell Trevor about that, and again it hits, I had to stop the car while I got myself back together, in fact I am in tears now just thinking about it. So don't be hard on yourself, its takes time and after all you have been through it is very early days.
I'll say again when I lost Trevor it was though I was in some kind of theatre production and when we had played our roles everything would be back to normal, and he would come back and everything would just carry on as before, but of course that wasn't the case and reality hits. Its a year now since I lost Trevor and I still miss him so so much but like you I try to be strong, I am sure you will get there, it just takes time. Please drop me an email and you can tell me all about your new grandchild Thinking of you love sandrax xx
Posted: Fri May 06, 2016 12:50 pm
I too missed your post Sheena. Both Jeni and Sandra have said it all. I just wanted to say I am thinking of you although I cannot begin to imagine what it feels like.
You are doing brilliantly and I followed your story whilst Steve was alive. You could not have done any more for him.xx
Posted: Sat May 07, 2016 8:44 am
This is so normal in the grieving process. I think we have been through such an intense process with them that when it is all over it just leaves you in shock! We fought with them every step of the way and watched them go through something no one should ever go through! I still think of it as a nightmare!
It has been 3 months since Mum died and I find it surreal and strange! I am up and down and sometimes just cry! I also sometimes feel angry and dislike everything and want to change everything around me! I try to just get on and I suppose everyone around me would never know how I feel.
I am considering contacting cruse as well as I am sure it would help.
I think we are all traumatised after losing someone this way so it will take time and support for us all. Please don't feel alone and keep posting as we all understand on here!
Thinking of you,
Posted: Sun May 15, 2016 8:36 pm
Collect my darlings ashes on Tuesday can't wait to be together again.I am on a up and down spiral God it hurts real bad at times ,but I have a daily ritual when I wake I kiss Steve's wedding ring which I wear on my other hand and when I go to bed I repeat wishing him good night somehow makes me feel better so I guess it's ok hope you are all doing good x
Posted: Mon May 16, 2016 1:30 pm
Nice to hear from you.
That's nice to hear that you are getting Steve's ashes tomorrow. I hope that you gain some comfort from these. Its good to hear that your "daily ritual" makes you feel better. Its still early days Sheena - tomorrow may bring comfort but also it may bring a flood of emotions back to you.
Whatever happens, you know where we are and your forum family will reach out to you.
Pancreatic Cancer Specialist Nurse,
Posted: Mon May 16, 2016 2:08 pm
Hi Sheena, I don't post very often now but I want to let you know Im thinking of you. Jenni is right when she says 3 weeks is nothing. Its 12 weeks and 1 day since Stewart died and I feel no different. I have his ashes and it is a little comfort. It was our 6th wedding anniversary last week and I took some ashes and scattered them along one of our favourite walks along the seashore and the cliff tops. I like to think he can hear the sound of the sea, it was one of his favourite things. I have bad days and not so bad days. I still cry at some point every day, sometimes a little and sometimes for hours. I also have little rituals - I sleep with his dressing gown and it sits on his arm chair all day. I have a special photograph that sits on the coffee table all day and the bedside table at night. I always say good night, love you and kiss his picture, then good morning , the same ritual. I don't know when or if ever we will feel any different to how we feel now. I just agree with you that it hurts so bad right now. I guess we all have to do our own thing until we can wear our loss as part of who we are. Only those who have lost a beloved husband can understand the "specialness" of that loss. Everyone who looses a loved one suffers from that loss, but the grief of losing a husband is beyond despair.
Posted: Thu May 26, 2016 2:10 am
Me again so today my darling brother was found dead at his home .I am devastated he was only 64 he went to drs on Monday who said he had a virus and now his gone .my world is shattered .
Posted: Thu May 26, 2016 7:50 am
Sheena, so, so sorry to hear this. My thoughts are with you. Catherine
Posted: Thu May 26, 2016 12:55 pm
Ah Sheena, I am so sorry to hear that terrible news, you must be in bits. life is so unfair, my heart goes out to you. Its hard to understand how a body can cope with so much grief at one time Take care of yourself. My thoughts are with you and your family.
Posted: Thu May 26, 2016 1:14 pm
Oh my goodness Sheena.
I am so sorry to hear this devastating news - what a terrible sock to you. Did he live alone Sheena?
Sending you our sympathies from all the nurses here Sheena - you are certainly in a tough season right now.
Posted: Thu May 26, 2016 4:37 pm
I am so sorry Sheena, life can unbelievable at times, my Dad died 6 months after my husband died. To be honest my Dad's death which was a year ago yesterday has never really sunk in. Sending you a massive cyber hug.
Posted: Thu May 26, 2016 5:31 pm
Sheena, you poor thing. What a terrible time you are going through. Sending you a cyber hug and know that we are thinking of you through this dark time xx
Posted: Thu May 26, 2016 9:44 pm
Identified my brother this morning and told him I was sorry for not being there .how sad he died alone there is a post mortem they reckon he was dead for a couple days which means not long after he visited the Dr.I am now signed off work and been given sleeping pills as I stayed awake all last night.my mind is in whirl this is going to be a long struggle.Ty for your kind words my heart is aching so much x