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PCUK Nurse Jeni
Posts: 1111
Joined: Mon Jun 14, 2010 1:30 pm

Re: My Mum - stage IV

Postby PCUK Nurse Jeni » Thu Dec 15, 2016 5:05 pm

Hello MM68,

We are very sorry to hear of the passing of your mum.

Please accept our sincere condolences on behalf of the nurses on here, and the wider charity.

The support you have had from the forums members I am sure will bring comfort to you as you read them.

Kindest regards,
Jeni Jones
Pancreatic Cancer Specialist Nurse
Support Team
Pancreatic Cancer UK
email: support@pancreaticcancer.org.uk
support line: 0808 801 0707

Posts: 473
Joined: Sun Sep 04, 2016 10:38 pm

Re: My Mum - stage IV

Postby Justamo » Thu Dec 15, 2016 8:58 pm

Hello MM68, I'm so, so sorry for your loss. Feeling 'guilty' in some way is part of grief. The guilt is irrational, but it happens to most people so you're not alone.

And please remember that your mum did not die alone. She died surrounded by the love of her family and you did everything you could to make her comfortable.

I can't find words which will make you feel any better right now, but I can promise that in time you will come to terms with all this and the black memories will give way to the happy ones.

Love and prayers

Posts: 25
Joined: Mon Oct 31, 2016 9:48 am

Re: My Mum - stage IV

Postby Mymum68 » Fri Dec 16, 2016 4:19 pm

Thank you everyone for your kind words.

Funeral was yesterday, it was a lovely service.

I know I did the best I could and I know my mum knew that.

It is just so hard to comprehend all. In the begining of November we had check-up with oncologist, she had the best tumor marker results ever since getting ill. She was energetic, gaining weight. Than on November 15th we had next chemo session, after this things went down. She turned yellow, got stent in bile duct. On the medical record from this appointment it was written that there were foods remains in stomach - despite the fact that they did not give het to eat 24h before the procedure. CT was not performed (only one CT machine available in local hospital and that was broken)-. They did the ultrasound and only found tumor on pancreas and no clear evidence on tumor on livers (where she had it) let allone anywhere else, After she came home, she went downhill sharply - vomitted brown fluid, could not eat etc. She died in 2 weeks. I keep thinking that perhaps she had blockage in duodenum and that if stent had been inserted she would be still alive. Obviously I'm not medical expert and it could all be wrong - but all I read shows that she had duodenum blockage as well. I have no clue why did they not check that when she inserting stent in bile duct. One week after comming home she was to weak to go through any kind of procedure. This thout together with her last hour tortures me. I feel I faild her and she could still be with us. But if you take your loved one to hospital, you do expect that they check what is needed - specially since they saw that there were food remains in stomach. It hurts beyond words :-(

Posts: 473
Joined: Sun Sep 04, 2016 10:38 pm

Re: My Mum - stage IV

Postby Justamo » Fri Dec 16, 2016 4:40 pm

Dear MM68

I'm sure you have read lots of threads on here, and you will have heard that we all think this awful disease is a roller coaster. One day everything is fine, the next day it all comes crashing down around you. Torturing yourself will not bring your lovely mum back and it will hurt you and your loved ones. You did everything you could for your mum.

I'm glad the funeral service was lovely - that will be a big comfort to you. Why do you think you failed your mum ? As you say, you are not a medical expert and you did your best. Perhaps when you feel a bit better you could speak to one of her doctors and ask them to explain all the decisions that they made.

Your mum is at peace now. Try to take some comfort from that.
With love and prayers

Posts: 503
Joined: Mon Feb 02, 2015 5:35 pm

Re: My Mum - stage IV

Postby Veema » Fri Dec 16, 2016 6:49 pm

You didn't fail your mum. Pancreatic cancer is a horrible beast and notoriously difficult to treat and nigh on impossible to be cured from...I know there are those which have been, but they, in my opinion, have been extremely lucky.

My husband died in September and I often think that there was something I could have done, should have done to prolong his life, but that might only have been for a few weeks or months and who knows how poorly he would have been during that time. I now hold it in my heart that he died when it was his time, he didn't suffer too much and the outcome would have been him dying anyway, regardless of how much I could have fought for him.

I'm pretty sure that when they put the bile duct stent in that they go through the duodenum to get to the right place, so the camera on the end of the scope would have shown if there was any blockage there.

Your emotions are very raw at the moment and although it is something you will never, ever get over, you will stop blaming yourself and understand that there was nothing more you could have done. Your mum will have known you were there, she possibly waited until she was alone to die, and she will have known that you tried your best and that is all anyone can do.

Please keep talking about her...tell us something about her, something before she was ill, share your memories and that helps to keep them alive in your heart.

Much love