A forum for advanced pancreatic cancer issues

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Re: Ascites

Postby Veema » Fri Mar 24, 2017 7:48 am

It was 6 months yesterday since Nige died...in some ways it seems like yesterday and in other ways it seems a lifetime ago. There's been so much to sort out that I'm only just coming to the end of it, the caravan goes next weekend and with it my old life.

I'm still functioning ok, but have started, recently, to cry a lot more...I think realisation has set in. I struggle to look back at our lovely life together because I feel so sad that we won't be making any more memories as a complete family. I look at photos and can't believe that I don't have that relatively carefree life any more. All those things I took for granted...all the time I took Nige for granted. I should have spent more time with him instead of doing my own thing...what a waste. I sit in the staff room listening to all the women moaning about their husbands...I never had cause to moan about Nige, he was a brilliant husband...I actually said to one woman 'at least you've got one' when she was complaining about her husband. I do find my tolerance of people in general is lower than it was (and I was never a tolerant person!)

Phoebe is stressed about school...she's got her SATS coming up, they've got her extra time and she's doing them in the heads room with the little girl who's mum is dying of stomach cancer...the family support worker is invigilating them and they will be able to take breaks when they need to. I'm dreading the transition to high school and all her hormones are starting to kick in...all this I have to deal with on my own.

So...I'm half way through that first year...we did Christmas, we did my birthday, we did Nige's birthday and we've coped...we've yet to get through Phoebe's birthday and our summer hols, but we will cope.

Sorry for the overly depressing post...


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Re: Ascites

Postby sandraW » Fri Mar 24, 2017 1:02 pm

That's what we are here for V, because we all understand exactly how you feel
Its nearly 2 years since I lost Trevor and I have been really really down this winter worse than last, sorry if I am not giving you much hope that you will start to feel better anytime soon, but its a whole new life for us all.
Its just hard, to accept that we are, never going to see them again ever!
I always felt stupidly that after some amount of time Trevor would suddenly be here again, I don't know if it was some kind of coping mechanism, or what.
It sounds are though the school are being really supportive of Phoebe, its such a hard time for her too of course, but you two are obviously very close, so I am sure she will get there.
I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you both, and at the end of the day its all just a matter of time, time heals so they say, and how lucky are we to have those wonderful happy memories to look back on, take care love sandrax xx

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Re: Ascites

Postby Elaine123 » Fri Mar 24, 2017 8:42 pm

Hi Vee I am so glad you felt you could share your feelings with everyone here and far from being depressing I found it so realistic and I think loss and grieving for the person we loved for so long is something that we all can identify with whether they have gone or are still here going through there own journey with PC. As Sandra said it is a whole new life for us all and we will never be that person again that we were before this horrible disease came into our lives. I try so hard not to dwell on the future but I know it is there waiting in the wings. I am thinking of both you and Phoebe and I hope your wonderful memories sustain you both until you can reach a place where your feelings and memories are not as raw. Thinking of you both . Hugs


Re: Ascites

Postby Marmalade » Fri Mar 24, 2017 8:45 pm

I know exactly what you are going through V and understand so well the feeling of things being like yesterday but also like a million years ago. I still cry almost every day and find making decisions daunting without Louis.

You did your very best for Nige with the knowledge that you had at the time, that's all any of us can do. You have come a very long way in that six months, dealt with some big events and made lots of decisions and you have always kept your precious daughter at the top of your priorities.

It's very hard but you have done really, really well so don't be too hard on yourself or expect to feel "better", its far too soon. You have a good cry, Nige was worth it xx

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Re: Ascites

Postby Elaine123 » Sat Mar 25, 2017 9:44 am

Thinking of you and Phoebe ....I hope you both have a good weekend and this spring weather gives you both a lift....hugs to both

Proud Wife
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Re: Ascites

Postby Proud Wife » Sun Mar 26, 2017 7:51 pm

I thought you'd been quiet over on FB. I can so relate to how you are feeling. It's just over 9 months for me and I'm starting to feel differently. Whereas before I would just keep thinking about all the bad things, now I have to blank them out because it hurts too much. Not sure if that's a step forwards or backwards.

If we all had the wonderful benefit of hindsight, we'd all have done things differently so you can't beat yourself up on anything you may or may not have done. Neither of us had any idea that our marriages would end abruptly like this before diagnosis.

I really do think you should have a chat with your GP, you don't have to do anything or take medication if you don't want to. Selling the caravan must have been a major trigger and of course you're fretting about Phoebe, who my heart goes out to as well as her little friend. Life can be so damn cruel and there's just no answers as to why. I read about a little girl of 4 who died 22 minutes before midnight after a hit and run accident yet her parents were selfless enough to donate some of her organs. I dread to think how her mother is coping today of all days.

I think we need more nightly conversations to lighten the mood! You know where I am xx

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Re: Ascites

Postby Dandygal76 » Sun Apr 02, 2017 7:43 am

Hey V,

The passage of time is mad isn't it. Next week will be 2 months without dad. I am so busy worrying about my mum now though that it is hard to process my own feelings at times. Oh and I get the amount of things to sort out.. it is never ending and I am looking forwards to the day I do not dread the post box with another letter with that horrible word '(deceased)' after his name.

It is awful trying to manage the kids feelings on top. My eldest has just spent the last 2 months (other than 1 kick off day) pretending everything is normal and nothing has happened. I am just at a loss in what to do with him and so I just have to let him carry on and process things in his own way.

I also wish I had spent time with dad but we are only human. It wasn't wasted time to have time to yourself at any point. Time to ourselves makes the time with them even more special. He loved you because of who you are and that is all part of who you are.

I am sure you will make the best of Phoebe's birthday and that she will forge new happy memories of birthdays and holidays that will embed in her mind way before those pesky hormones kick in. She will do you both proud, I am sure of that with a mum like you supporting her the whole way.

I hope you are both having a good weekend.

Stay strong my lovely. x