Ascites

My mum bought me a crochet dragon for my birthday (I like dragons) so have to do that yet...I've also got a schnauzer blanket to do...I've no motivation at all, but thanks anyway.

Darling V, I was not asking to jiffy you up, I know that doing anything is an effort and motivating yourself is a full time job. I guess in am just hoping ton create a diversion.

Everything can wait until you are ready. I love gardening but have gone off it and have just been watching all the tender plants keel over and die, just can't face clearing up. I know I must crack on and function but extras are just going to wait.

I hope you can think of some small things to get you through until your baby comes back.

Much love m xxxx

I'm on a christmas shopping mission. She's been to a party this afternoon, so managed to get in town and get a few things...hopefully I can get most of it done whilst she's away...or could if I had any idea what to get her!!!

To be honest I need chivvying up...I've become a right lazy mare...the house is a tip, I've got an ironing pile like Mount Everest and I actually cleaned the en-suite at 11.50pm last night because I was so fed up of looking at the mould in the shower!

We've got a day off football tomorrow, so am going to make some in-roads into the cleaning.

Sounds like a plan! Cleaning can be therapeutic especially when you go from really slutty to clean haha. I told you before, get some contract cleaners in while you are out shopping and send the ironing out. You may never have to see the cleaners again so who cares what they think, although I think that losing your husband is an acceptable reason for the chaos. My daughters house is a pit until the cleaners arrive once a fortnight. She refuses to spend her time off cleaning. She has no shame and I envy her.

If you do get any inspiration for Christmas gifts do share, my head is full of cotton wool and refusing to come up with anything.

M x

Thanks for that Mo... I looked up the poem and I think I will go back to bed now!

I always make the mistake on here to think I will respond to the quick things and sit down later and reply to my friends. Then the kids get in the way and life and my non response is not due to my not reading... just because I want to give a proper response.

Veema, you need to do whatever makes you 'happy' and I hope you are all packed for Phoebe and that she is looking forward to tomorrow. What I would give to be that age again. It is a blessing and a curse to have your adorable daughter in this situation. A curse for the obvious reasons but a blessing that I am sure it will make both of you closer than you could ever have imagined and also that it is such a wonderful age to have to focus your time on.

Think to Friday (as I am assuming that is when you pick her up from school) and all the chitter chatter and loveliness she will bring home to you (and I will assume some really tacky present). Life is sh"t at times but you have so much to look forward to around everything that has gone on. Phoebe will make life go on. She is both your legacy.

I know you treated yourself to a car but if life is chaos how about a spring clean... I did it early in the year when everything got on top of me around dad. £150 and someone came in from a professional company and sorted my whole house back to normal... including ironing. I took the kids to the pictures! Hahahaha. It was lovely. x

I just read Marmalade's post after yours... great minds and all that....

By the way... hope you are jealous. My sons both have birthdays in December and I have wrapped up everything already for all events. As of yesterday... it is all done! x

Well, I've managed to get all the christmas decorations down from the loft along with 2 trees and all the outside lights. One tree is up and decorated (it is the first sunday in advent, so it's ok), the rest will go up over the next week. House is now a tip. I thought it would be emotional, but it was quite nice really...Nige and I always had a row putting the tree up. I did miss having our little sherry and kiss under the false mistletoe.

Anyway, that's one hurdle over.

Vx

Well done V, small steps.

I miss cuddles and kisses too, it's the hardest thing I think. Get those decks up and fill the he place with good cheer

M xx

Veema, that is lovely. Make a toast to Nige and have a sherry anyway. I will be thinking of all of you through this first bitter sweet Christmas. x

With you on the cuddles and kisses V. There's just no substitute. We are just not doing Christmas this year. Along with the cuddles and kisses and not being able to talk things over when I need an opinion, one of the hardest things for me is looking at hubby's empty chair, dining, tv etc. I just couldn't put a turkey in the oven or lay the table knowing he'd not be sitting at the head. I'm sure next year will be different xxx

Hi Veema, glad to hear you're keeping Christmas as normal as possible for Phoebe.It's bound to be so hard for you, and I think you're a star to have done as well as you have.

Proud Wife, I know what you mean about 'Not doing Christmas this year'. Obviously I've not been in your position, but I do remember the first Christmas after my Dad died. Each year he used to truss the turkey and get it ready for the oven, and the first year after he died I was in tears on Christmas Eve with a turkey as big as a donkey (as my Mum used to say) to deal with and all I could think about was my Dad with a tea towel wrapped round his waist doing the necessary and sneezing because of the feathers. I felt like chucking the whole thing and serving up poached eggs on toast. Not because I couldn't be bothered, but it just wasn't the same without him. I still think about him every Christmas Eve, and have a little slurp of cooking sherry by way of consolation.

This year we are doing a very quiet Christmas, just the three of us, and I'm on duty on Christmas morning at church, so it will be a lateish lunch and then, no doubt, we shall miss the Queen's Speech (Gawd Bless Yer, Marm) because we'll be asleep in front of the telly. I have no idea where we'll be for the following Christmas, so this one will be extra sweet.

Love, Mo

Had a rubbish week at work this week, nearly told them to shove it on Wednesday...have gone from no consideration at all from a particular teacher to her now being totally over the top and treating me like I'm about to break down at any point...I think I need a change of job...I'll give it some serious thought over christmas...spoken to financial advisor today and he reckons that I'll be able to generate enough income to not have to work, which is a fall back position. On a positive note, Aviva have finally agreed to pay out the life insurance without going to probate, so that's everyone now...can't believe I've got away with that!

Phoebe wrote a lovely letter to Father Christmas the other night - she generally lets me see it before she puts it in the envelope and leaves it on the doormat for the elves to take, but this year she shoved it in the envelope without showing me - I opened it later on and it started as usual asking for a few things which don't amount to much but then she wrote 'Now, I need your help this year Father Christmas, and I think you can do it, in fact I know you can. I just want me and my mummy to have the best christmas ever' I was in bits reading it.

Hope everyone is doing okay...have you all got your christmas trees up???

Vx

Hi V, nice to hear from you. Been wondering how you are.

Nothing sickens me more than insincerity. For somebody to go from 'no consideration' to 'being totally OTT' is both patronising and hypocritical. Surely other people have noted her behaviour ?

I agree that perhaps a change of job would help, but I think it's terribly important not to make any life-changing decisions for at least six months. Good to know that the two of you won't end up in the workhouse if you do tell them to shove it, but try to maintain the status quo for a while anyway. If The Particular Teacher's behaviour becomes really offensive, drop her in it. Complain about her, and try not to cry while you're doing it. If she can treat a colleague like that, then she shouldn't be in charge of children.

Phoebe's note to Santa made me sniff as well. What a lovely kid she sounds. You wouldn't know it was Christmas in our house. We can't put a tree up because Boo is still boisterous enough to want to climb it, but the crib will be laid out shortly and then it will feel more like Advent.

Take care

Love Mo

Dido (the dog) ate all the baubles off the bottom foot of the tree...she is in disgrace and banished to the kitchen when I go out as she just cannot be trusted. She has never done this before...I now just have the strings and the little bit that you tie the string to hanging on the tree.

I know I shouldn't laugh but......hahaha

M xxx

Veema, you have a Designer Tree.

Other people have ordinary trees, but you have an Art Installation.

It's probably worth a fortune.

Love, Mo

You could try one of those 5 gate baby gates. My very good friend had 2 sets of twins and another child all under the age of 5. She did this and put all the presents inside as well to stop the crawlers opening them and it worked a treat. x

yeh...was going to try the guinea pig run around it, but the arm of the sofa is right up against it, so unless I have a major furniture reorganisation (which I don't have room for), it's pointless. I've bought some more baubles today and she will now be banished to the kitchen whenever we go out and have to leave her.

Finally getting christmas organised, in the main thanks to good old amazon.

Vx

So yesterday I told my class teacher to eff off, chucked my ID pass at her and waltzed out of the building...all over the children's christmas party hats can you believe...I feel pathetic, but she just pushed me that one step too far. I didn't go to the nativity performance last night and I haven't been in today either. I have to go and see the headteacher on Monday at 10am. It will all be blamed on my 'grief'.

Phoebe cried her little eyes out last night, saying she keeps remembering the morning that Nige died and how horrible it was...it was horrible and I wish more than anything that she hadn't seen it all, but I can't do anything about that now, so we had a good chat about it, I told her how brave she had been, what a great help she had been and that her Daddy would be so proud of her for all she'd done. I told her that, yes, it was awful...really awful and I wish that we hadn't had to go through that, but that we hadn't thought he'd die so quickly. She blames herself...god knows why, but I know children often do blame themselves when something bad happens, so we talked about that and that it was no-ones fault and that it was just shit that Daddy had got such a horrible disease, but he'd done his very best and we'd all tried really hard to get him better. I told her that I just wished I could take it all away from her and make it better, but I can't and we've just got to get on with it the best we can...that its okay to talk about our worries with each other and have a good cry about things, because we've had a rubbish few years. God, it's hard.

So...had a bad week...cheered up a little by PW's picture that she sent me on facebook...shame we can't post pictures on here, it would have made everyone smile...

Things can only get better.

Vx

Oh V, hug hug hug hug.

(That almost came out as ugh ugh ugh. Thanks Google).

Wish I'd been there to see and hear you tell her to Go Forth And Multiply. I wonder what the Head Teacher is going to make of it ? If she starts to patronise you, punch her.

Poor Phoebe. Bless her heart, but what a good mum you are. I know that a lot of kids feel guilty if their parents separate but I didn't realise it could happen with bereavement as well. That's the good thing about this forum, shared experiences build strength.

My stepson visited yesterday. He's 54, I inherited custody of him when he was 8 and so I can tell you that postnatal depression lasts for 46 years. Honestly. He's fried his brain with marijuana, is covered in knife wounds, rattles with various pills and is extremely needy. Apart from that he's a wholesome chap. His reaction to his Dad's illness is to tell us about his own self-inflicted problems, which is why hearing about Phoebe almost reduces me to tears. You've got a little gem there,V.

Try to enjoy your weekend and come out of your corner fighting on Monday.

Love and ughs

Mo x

V, tell the headteacher that you are still grieving but then your heightened emotional state has merely brought to a head some on going issues and made them more difficult to ignore! Get your speech in first and list your issues.

If you like the response and feel supported then stay, if you don't, and feel patronised don't respond. Say you need time to consider. Then start looking for a job, why not retrain as a teacher! At least then you would get paid the rate for what you are doing,

Brilliant job with phoebe! Perfect response to a difficult situation, xx

Veema I could not have put it better than Marmalade just has, its not all down to grief, and don't let them pass it off as such, I think when we have been though what you have it makes you feel as though you are just not going to put up with sh** anymore and some things are more important that just keeping the peace.

As for Phoebe, it upsets me that she feels that way bless her, but I suppose its only what we feel, she is certainly lucky to have you for her Mum, and at least she got it all out with a good cry, tears are so healing even though they are exhausting and give us a very red nose.

I hope your meeting goes well on Monday, and try not to punch anyone please!!! take care, love sandraxx

Hope the meeting with your Head went ok Veema. Massive hugs to you and Phoebe.

love Jayne

x

I'm on gardening leave until next term and then I'm going back in a different class in a different part of the school. She agrees that it isn't just my grief, although she does think that it's making me less tolerant of crap situations and where as I'd have just shrugged it off before I'm not putting up with it now. True enough.

She has spoken to the teacher in question who doesn't think she's done anything wrong, so now she has to do without a TA as no-one will work with her. Trouble is, she's an outstanding teacher, so nothing is really going to be done about her.

She also wants me to have bereavement counselling...it's all paid for by the school and is done in school time. I don't really want to have counselling...can't think of anything worse, but I've agreed to think about it.

Today, I've spent sorting out some photos from Nige's previous marriage that he had into albums for the lads...and I've also been through all my digital photos and copied all those of Nige onto USB sticks for them. We might have only had 12 years together, but they were 12 good years, packed full of memories...there are almost 2000 photos of him!

Vx

Hi V,

I think the head came to the right conclusions and the solution appears to be equitable and fair. I hope a new class and teacher will give you a manageable challenge and make you feel better about your job.

I'm with you on the counselling, I get counselling, from friends and family and people who know me and Louis and who love me and can be open with me, some have lost partners themselves others are young and are excited about the future. Grief is normal and takes as long as it takes and the rest of society has to deal with something which is not instantly solved or alleviated. Mind you, if it's free, you could give it a go, if you get just one good thing from it it will have been worth it.

Personally, I am finding a lot of comfort, reduced washing up, and an easier shopping experience by eating a diet of biscuits. Not good for me but a new experience and, from some 'special' people on Facebook…

Huge hugs and best love,

M xx