This is familiar to me and something I still wonder about too. My husband spent a lot of time sorting out lots of practical matters. He made list upon list of things that needed to be done and spent a lot of time showing me things that he usually took responsibility for, knowing that he would not be there, hoping that I would be able to manage these things. He dealt with the whole thing in a very pragmatic fashion, with very little emotion. He would often sit silently, seemingly vacant, but obviously thinking, but even when asked, never shared his innermost thoughts with me. I have tried to put myself in his shoes and can only guess that he must have been terrified, angry, desperately sad and was unable to voice these feelings because the extent of them must have been beyond words. What do you do when you cannot find the words - you stay silent. Some things are just so surreal, there are no words, nothing that quite covers it. When we have the most difficult of times in life, being in the midst of it can be unbearable and it is only when we come out the other side, can we look back and make sense of it, see what we learned, how it made us stronger. Facing death is quite different - there appears no other side, no light at the end of tunnel - what must it be like to try and come to terms with that? How I wish I could talk to my husband but I just believe he is OK and that he might agree with that other saying that there is nothing to fear, but fear itself.
I am sure they are at peace and it is now up to us to find our own. I do hope you can find yours. Sending you lots of love.
A forum for people to support each other after the loss of a loved one
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