A forum for people to support each other after the loss of a loved one

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Carrying On

Postby Marmalade » Wed Sep 14, 2016 4:40 pm

Hello all,

It seemed to me that "Our Journey Without Chemo" had run it's course and that life after Louis deserved a thread of it's own.

Louis funeral was all we and he had hoped for. Good people, good music, wonderful flowers, so many speaking so well of him and the most beautiful service. I cried when they played his beautiful music, I cried to hear the readings and I cried when he was carried out of the church and when he went through the curtains at the crematoria. They were not great howling tears but constant streams of salty water which would not stop.

Despite all these tears I have been calm. Not happy nor distraught but calm and every day I wait for the hiatus to commence. I don't concentrate well and can't settle to anything but nothing too horrendous until the day before yesterday. At about 8pm I was on the phone with my daughter, we had had a nice chat and I was saying that I had a man coming who would pay me a small amount for each of the hardback books that I was going to get rid of. There was a long silence and it was obvious she didn't approve. Her view is that I am doing everything too quickly, not sure if that is too quickly for me, for her, for Louis or what because I started to cry, couldn't speak, had to put the phone down. We made up by text immediately but I continued to cry for 36 hours almost non stop. I had to pick up a prescription yesterday and all the while tears were running down my face. A man I knew hugged me and I told him that I wanted Louis to hug me, it was no good from other people. I cried and watched TV all night and finally stopped crying about 9 this morning absolutely exhausted.

I have never felt so utterly desolate. People phone, and call and see me, and text, and email but the loneliness is overwhelming and all encompassing. Even a tiny unintentional pushback increases the feeling of isolation and rejection. Hyper sensitive I guess.

I know it will all pass in time and that these great waves will be replaced by other less frequent but sharp reminders that life has changed and this thread will be my journey back to the light.

PCUK Nurse Dianne
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Re: Carrying On

Postby PCUK Nurse Dianne » Wed Sep 14, 2016 5:13 pm

Dear Marmalade,

Sad and wise words. There is no right or wrong, you have to go with your heart and do as you feel is right for you. These are difficult days and you have been such a wonderful generous soul in caring for Louis and those wonderful friends on the forum, we all feel for you in these lonely times.

Tears are so often frowned upon, however they are important to shed, Marmalade see them as special memories of Louis. Louis' funeral sounded like a wonderful celebration of a special life and so warming to hear so many came to show their respects.

Marmalade please do feel free to be in touch, more than happy to chat by phone if this may be helpful.

Thank you for sharing as always.

Pancreatic Cancer Specialist Nurse

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Re: Carrying On

Postby sandraW » Wed Sep 14, 2016 6:31 pm

It sounds as though Loius's funeral was really really lovely.
I was surprised I didn't cry more at Trevor's but I think like others I had done a lot of my crying in the weeks months before he died, or perhaps it still hadn't really hit me.
I think we try to stay strong, and get on with life because we know that's what they would want us to do, but we can only be strong for so long then something has to give! Sometimes when the tears start it does take time for them to stop but 36 hours is quite a marathon,no wonder you were exhausted my love.
I was cutting the grass a few weeks ago with tears streaming down my face, because the lawn mower cord kept getting caught on things, and I knew I wasn't cutting it the way Trevor would have cut it, and I felt as if HE was there, making it as difficult as he could for me. I got so cross, the crosser I got the more I cried and the more the cord got stuck. But I do think we need the release from being the big brave ladies that we like to pretend we are, after all our world has ended our lives will never be the same. and that is what is so hard to accept.
We always used to call that special hug " an arms round squeezy one " I know only its only Louis's hug that will do but I will send you one anyway just to let you know how much I care love sandrax xx

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Re: Carrying On

Postby Veema » Wed Sep 14, 2016 10:23 pm

And through those tears you still manage to comment on threads on here.

I think when you've spent such a considerable time caring for someone like you did for Louis, you must feel totally bereft when you haven't got that sense of purpose anymore.

Huge cyber hugs.


Proud Wife
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Re: Carrying On

Postby Proud Wife » Wed Sep 14, 2016 11:19 pm

I'm so sorry to hear you've had such a rotten few days. Even more reason for more of us to meet up because I think we will bounce off one another. Especially as everyone is at different stages of their mourning. Hopefully you will get a good nights sleep tonight, exhaustion plays havoc with emotions and of course don't forget, this is the first time in your adult life you are alone, that in itself is massive and it's going to take a while.

I for one though can say I look forward to reading your journey back to the light .

(((Hugs))) xxx

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Re: Carrying On

Postby Dandygal76 » Thu Sep 15, 2016 7:37 am

Yes Marmalade, "Our Journey Without Chemo" may have run its course in the most beautiful and dignified way and I can totally understand why you want a new thread to carry on your own journey without Louis.

It does sound like Louis had the most beautiful service and I am sure all the lovely words and thoughts towards Louis were wonderful and I would have cried throughout myself it is was me. He sounded always like an amazing and lovely man, father and husband.

I wouldn't be worried you cannot concentrate and settle, I think that is a natural reaction to any stressful situation and this is definitely classed as the most stressful in my eyes. And with that stress it is always our nearest and dearest that we have little tiffs with, it is the natural course of things. I think we have all learned through reading everyone else's experience that there really is no right and wrong to grieve and go through this process because it is a very individual thing with individual reactions.

I know it is not the same as a Louis hug but it was also very lovely that someone went out of their way to try and make you feel better. You do sound like you are surrounded by a great community and friends and when things are not so raw the beautiful lives and community that you and Louis built will comfort you more and more. I really do hope and believe so. In the meantime you may feel desolate but we are here for those empty times as well and we want to hear and support you through those unexpected drops over the little things. We can do hypersensitivity here anytime my lovely.

You will get back into the light, hold on to that every day. x

Much love

Last edited by Dandygal76 on Mon Sep 19, 2016 8:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Carrying On

Postby Wife&Mum » Thu Sep 15, 2016 10:06 am

Dear Marmalade

Today I'm breaking my rule of not visiting the 'Coping with Loss' forum to say hello and to send some virtual support and love.

May your new thread usher in some light for you very soon - I'm sure it will - and for others on the Forum who are also in deep mourning. My heart goes out to you all.

Much love
W&M xx

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Re: Carrying On

Postby Ant11 » Thu Sep 15, 2016 12:03 pm

Dear Marmalade, It's such a strange feeling being on the other side of the journey. Like so many people have said, you just have to go with the flow, do what feels right and cry as much as you want to. Tears are not a sign of weakness but a way of washing away some of the sadness. Love and hugs Annette xxx

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Re: Carrying On

Postby Didge » Thu Sep 15, 2016 12:34 pm

Marmalade, each carries on in their own way. I for one, when feeling overwhelmed have conjured up images of him, concentrated and DEMANDED that he come back. I've felt many a virtual hug that way. Yes it might be my imagination but I don't care. Also talking to him about my day, problems etc. That has helped me too. Xx


Re: Carrying On

Postby Marmalade » Thu Sep 15, 2016 12:37 pm

Ah you lovely people, its so kind that you come and walk with me on my journey, especially those of you for whom it is a path best not contemplated, I do understand the feeling.

The tears are intermittent now but SandraW is absolutely spot on with her lawn mower antics. I have run big international corporations and travelled the world, often on my own but this is something else. I am confused by the disappearance of my confidence. Every decision I make is undone a few hours or even a few moments later. A kind friend has suggested we have a weeks fly and flop holiday together somewhere warm in the next few weeks, my tired body says "oh yes", and another said "come to Cornwall with us we have a big house and everyone very relaxed" but minutes after the offers I realised that what is left of Louis spirit is here, in this house, and I don't think I'm ready to leave it yet.

It would be ridiculous to say that I am miserable all the time, the 36 hour marathon cry was an exception and should have been cathartic but I have to be honest and say it wasn't really. I am still snivelling on and off but not as bad. Yes, I have friends, many going to great lengths to be supportive, calling to see me, phoning, mailing, texting, taking me out, inviting me to meals or events and so on. I should feel blessed if I were not so busy weeping and wallowing.

I am also struck with the cruelty of how, when one tragedy happens another seems to follow hot on its heels. There are examples on here of people who have lost one loved one only to lose another in quick succession or to have some other devastating news. I was given some devastating news about my step son on the day of the funeral, he is not ill but it means we will no longer have any sort of relationship, and then yesterday, a dear kind friend who was so lovely with Louis while he was ill has had his marriage break up, got drunk, driven his car and killed a motorcyclist. I am his friend but I also feel the pain of the bereaved family who could not have guessed that their family member would go out and not come back.

On a brighter note, a good friend turned up at my door yesterday with a sorry looking old Chad Vally teddy bear and asked if I would help him renovate it so we sat in the garden unstuffing Mr Bear and then washed and rinsed him. His patchy, grey, very dusty fur turned out to be the most beautiful golden honey colour and as I sit here today he has completely dried and is waiting patiently for his nose to be darned, new paw pads and new stuffing. It's very therapeutic to sit quietly with a companion doing gentle things.

Have a good day all of you M x


Re: Carrying On

Postby Marmalade » Sun Sep 18, 2016 12:39 pm

I feel a lot better as we head into another week, no reason that I can see just time I guess.

The paperwork is fairly overwhelming and I can't shake off the feeling that financial institutions are deliberately dragging their feet. I have been waiting 2 weeks for a form from one of the major banks. They had certified copies of all the documentation delivered to their branch at the outset. Other institutions are just as bad. I am so glad I was advised to do the admin myself and just check in with the lawyer now and then, it must be saving a small fortune. I also didn't realise that probate is not required as I am both wife and sole executrix - well done Louis!

Spent this morning clearing a filing cabinet in the garage as a man and van are taking lots of junk away tomorrow so we can then make a start on clearing the roof and I can put the car away this winter. Louis kept every piece of paper so I have just been reading all the grovelling letters asking for money from the boys when they were young, the history of the cars, university applications etc. As a family historian it would be lovely to keep it all but realistically I will have to scan some of the stuff and bin most of it.

I went to Suzie's yesterday. We both feel we need to be together at the moment.

Well no great ups and downs for a few days but sleep is still elusive and leaving the house for any length of time makes me anxious. I would love to have a break with my friend and am looking but it will be a huge step to sleep away from the house so I'm not promising…

Hope you are all enjoying the sunshine and that those you love are safe and well M xx
Last edited by Marmalade on Sun Sep 18, 2016 3:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Carrying On

Postby Justamo » Sun Sep 18, 2016 2:52 pm

Poor Marmalade.

What a sad time for you but nice to hear that you feel a 'lot better'. I was interested to hear you say that leaving the house makes you anxious at the moment. You made me think of a wounded animal that stays in its den licking its wounds until it's strong enough to venture out again.

Lick your wounds as much as you have to. Nobody is timing you. Do everything at your own speed. There is no right or wrong with this process.

I have a poem written down somewhere, I think it may be Spenser - "Calm after storme, port after stormie seas ..." If I go looking for it now I shall forget what I wanted it for because my brain is only working in fits and starts, but you may know it anyway.

with my love

Proud Wife
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Re: Carrying On

Postby Proud Wife » Sun Sep 18, 2016 3:33 pm

Didge wrote:
> Marmalade, each carries on in their own way. I for one, when feeling
> overwhelmed have conjured up images of him, concentrated and DEMANDED that
> he come back. I've felt many a virtual hug that way. Yes it might be my
> imagination but I don't care. Also talking to him about my day, problems
> etc. That has helped me too. Xx

Not your imagination Didge, it's real. xx

Proud Wife
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Joined: Sun Jan 17, 2016 9:28 am

Re: Carrying On

Postby Proud Wife » Sun Sep 18, 2016 3:38 pm

Dearest Marmalade

Don't leave the house for any period of time until you feel good and ready. A friend of mine who lost her hubby in February is exactly the same. At the moment, all you can do is go with the flow and do whatever feels right. Don't make any promises, that only puts you under pressure.

Much love
PW xx

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Re: Carrying On

Postby Dandygal76 » Mon Sep 19, 2016 7:58 pm

Hey Marmalade, I hope you are still feeling better and that things are on a reasonably even keel. All that paperwork must be exhausting and I can imagine it was quite sad sorting through all the historic records. What lovely little treasures that Louis kept and I think scanning it is a great idea and definitely the way to go nowadays.

I can see that you and Suzy are a great support to each other and it must be hard to see her pain through this process. Even though she is an adult she is still your lovely daughter and we naturally want to shield them from these things. I dread to every be looking my eldest in the face if he has to deal with the loss of dad.

I can imagine the anxiety leaving the house and the comfort of all you have at home that is Louis. Perhaps some sleep could help this as well, have you spoken to the doctor? Lack of sleep makes everything so so emotional on its own without everything else you are dealing with.

Sad times dear Marmalade but just keep going, one step after another until you reach some sunshine.