A forum for people to support each other after the loss of a loved one

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Unable to cope

Postby Fifi » Thu Oct 01, 2015 12:14 pm

My wonderful Dad passed away on the 21st April this year.

I am unable to be normal. I struggle to like people, or even pretend. I just want my Dad.

My mind is set on constant repeat of my Dad's last week. From the Oncologist saying treatment was no more, the look on my Dad's face, watching him being helped to a room. Watching the stroke. Realising he had lost movement, and speech. Hearing the secretions start. Knowing I could lose him any second. Never leaving his side. Seeing him go unconscious. Seeing him take his last breath. Organising his funeral, emptying his house, sorting out his belongings.

Then of course there was all the heartache before that week. The 14 month before. Being with Dad when he was diagnosed. When he was given a death sentence. Being at every appointment. Seeing Dad being so poorly. So ill. Knowing all that time that he would never get better, that he would die. Hearing him cry when he called me. Telling me he was scared to die, that he didn't want to die. Seeing him cry. Telling me all he wanted to was to be able to leave the house and enjoy whatever time he had. I so very desperately wanted to help him. When I wasn't with him, repeat converstaions would play in my mind of sad things he had said. Always thinking what he must have been thinking. My heart broke so badly, I never thought it could get any worse. I was wrong.

My poor Dad fought so hard, and he was so sad, and life was so cruel to him.

No one understands and I mean no one. People at work are continuing as normal. Family members are telling me they don't want to hear my anger and frustration and have chosen to ignore me or shout at me. Of course, they " know how I am feeling". Why do they? Have they been through the above, NO! So how do they know. Yes, I am angry. I am furious. I am extremely bitter to everyone that didn't bother with me and my Dad, and to everyone that didn't do enough, or say or not say certain things.
Certain people say, " I didn't act like you when my Dad died". Was he diagnosed a death sentence? NO. Did you watch him decline? NO. Did you often see and hear him cry because he didn't want to die? NO. Did you stay with him 24/7 while he was unable to speak, and having to check nurses were doing their job correctly? NO. Did you see him take his last breath? NO. Did you organise a funeral and empty his much loved house, all on your own? NO. It was all me, on my own. Dad had no partner to help, no other children to help. How can these ignorant people, who are supposed to love me, expect me to move on with my life, in such a short, a very short time. My heart is beyond broken. I cannot explain how sad and angry I am.

Sorry for coming on here and posting this. I needed to get it out, and no one can put the phone down on me here! If anyone has any advice on how to stop the repetitiveness of Dad's final week. I would be grateful to read it. I don't necessarily want my grief to stop, I will mourn my Dad until I die. I just want the last week to stop going round and round my head.

Thank you for reading.

Leila xx

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Re: Unable to cope

Postby jay » Thu Oct 01, 2015 2:48 pm

Massive massive hugs Leila, no one knows how we feel until they have walked in our shoes. You can try and imagine how it might feel but until it actually happens to you people have no idea. Ive only just stopped playing Jem's last month or so in my head.I found some dvds yesterday of Dad and Jem. I've had to put them back in the cupboard as its too heart breaking to watch seeing them moving and talking.The only advice I can give is take each day as one, don't try to think of the future, I also watch a film in bed just before I go to sleep and I usually wake up extremely earlier and put the ipad straight on to stop me thinking of things.I find it helps my mind switch off for a little while.
love Jayne
Im only a text away , never forget that Leila

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Re: Unable to cope

Postby Sueoliver » Thu Oct 01, 2015 4:19 pm

Leila I really feel for you and I do understand. I don't think there is an easy answer I wish there was. I will message you privately.
Love Sue x

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Re: Unable to cope

Postby sandraW » Thu Oct 01, 2015 6:49 pm

Leila, sending you a big ((((hug))) I am so sorry you are feeling so down and so sad love sandra xx

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Re: Unable to cope

Postby ElsieG » Thu Oct 01, 2015 7:53 pm

Leila, I am so very sorry for your deep and personal loss. I don't know you like some of the others but wanted to say something. I thought it was just me that felt as you do now about your Dad. My darling Mum died on 6th June 2011 of lung cancer with brain mets and for the first 2 years after she died I kept replaying the last day over and over in my head like a play that never ends. I kept playing the song Tell Me It's Not a True from Blood Brothers over and over again in my car, crying constantly and I slept with an unwashed pyjama top of hers under my pillow for over a year. When visiting my Dad, I used to go up to her wardrobe where her clothes were still hanging and gather them up so I could still smell her perfume. She was my Mum, a fun loving young 78 yr old, stolen from us by this dreadful disease. I thought I would never get over it and you don't ever really. Acceptance comes eventually, when you start remembering them younger, doing fun things, funny sayings, etc. we are facing it all again with my husband having PC so have to stay strong all over again.
Grief is individual, there is no hard and fast rule and it has only been 5 months since you lost the most important person in your life. Scream & shout all you like, no one can feel your pain except you but one day, you will move on, you will never forget but you will be able to smile again, I promise. Just not yet. God Bless. X

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Re: Unable to cope

Postby Didge » Thu Oct 01, 2015 8:48 pm

Leila, if you ask the admin to give me your email I will message you with some things that may help. xxx

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Re: Unable to cope

Postby janem » Fri Oct 02, 2015 7:57 pm

I rarely comment on here but after following your story I had to comment. It's been 20 months since my dad died of PC and 22 months since my mum died of the stress she put herself under trying to cope. It's does get easier gradually but I still have quite a few bad days and even now sometimes go to phone then reality sets in. I also find that I think back to my childhood a lot but it is getting better. It's still very recent don't think that you should be able cope just yet give yourself chance. The hospice was a great help to me they stayed in touch for the first year, I know that you live away from where your dad lived but perhaps you have a local hospice that could help you or find someone that could help you. Take care and look after yourself. Remember that he loved you and you did everything you could for him.

Nikki xx

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Re: Unable to cope

Postby sheena » Fri Oct 02, 2015 8:28 pm

Oh my lovely .I too looked after my dad but it was only 3 short weeks, I was 8 mths pregnant and I don't know if mother nature crept in but I was so shattered but refused to give in.my lovely dad had bowel cancer and I am now feeling blessed that he didn't hang on and suffer.I was so upset that he didn't get to meet his grandson as I know he would of been truly loved like I was ,he died 2 weeks before Xmas and I have never felt so numb and sad.hope I coped I just don't no.but 3weeks later my baby was born .That's when the heavens opened up and I cried buckets for days.my lovely dad has been gone for 25 years now and I always have him in my thoughts and at Xmas I raise a glass in his honour as he truly was the best.please try to think of nice things and it will get easier but don't be ashamed of how you feel or what others think I took at least 5 years before I could talk about him and not cry .love and hugs x

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Re: Unable to cope

Postby kateeighty8 » Fri Oct 02, 2015 9:18 pm

Leila, I'm so so sorry that you're going through this. It sounds like you were an amazing support for your Dad and it is heart breaking that you feel so alone. I lost my Dad yesterday after a very short battle with pancreatic cancer, and I had no idea how it would feel - I thought I could anticipate the feelings but I couldn't. I'm still not sure from moment to moment how it feels.

I won't say that I understand what you're going through. Clearly grief is very different from person to person and all relationships differ too. I can say that your words regarding anger and sadness strike a chord with me though, and I feel for you.

I am extremely lucky to have a large family and we each have support from each other - it is very distressing to think of you going through this alone. Please think about getting in touch with some kind of support group or reach out to the nurses on this site for some advice? I think you need someone to talk to who can empathise a little better with your experiences.

My thoughts are with you and I wish I could give you a hug, I'm sure your Dad would be so proud of you.



Re: Unable to cope

Postby Fifi » Sun Oct 04, 2015 12:38 pm

Thank you everyone for your lovely and kind replies. It means a lot to know there are some people who understands how I feel. It is very hard to see that I won't always feel this way. I truly love my Dad so much. He was the one person that knew me, and I knew he loved me. I felt his emotional heartache as if we were twins and those feelings are breaking me so much.

Elsie, thank you very much for sharing your personal events with me. It must have been hard for you. I appreciate so much you sharing them. As you said, it is nice to know that others feel the same way. I have a family member that constantly tries to make me feel like my feelings are abnormal, and belittles me. It is veey much, " what is up with her today". It is hard to show someone who hasn't been through it, and that is so frustrating. I have been reading your posts about your husband, and I am sorry you uave tk go through this all over again. You sound a wonderful lady and I know you are helping your husband through this terrible illness. You sound very much in love. Something to treasure.

Janem, thank you very much for your posts. I always appreciated your comments when you have been through such a terrible time yourself. I know Dad loved me, and I know I tried as much as I could. Dad never wanted to die in hospital though, and I did get him a room at a hospice, but the hospital said Dad wouldn't have made the journey. I didn't want to cause him any distress, so he did die in hospital. I hope he can forgive me for that.

Sheena, thank you for your post. Thank you for showing me that Dad will always be with me, and our love will always be strong, no matter where we are.

Kate, thank you for posting at such a very terrible time. You always imagine how you would feel, it never works that way. I thought i would scream when my Dad died. I didn't, I sat with him and talked to him like nothing had happened. It was after the funeral that the pain started for me. But like people say, everyone is different, no one grief is the same. I am pleased you have some good support, I wish I had that. I am hurting a lot, but I had 14 month with my Dad. I cannot begin to imagine how you and your family must feel when it is such a short time. So very cruel. I think your Mum did a great job to look after him, and to take the diagnosis in for herself as well. You have to be so strong in these times, and we get the strength to be so strong, I don't know, love perhaps?

Leila xx

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Re: Unable to cope

Postby RLF » Tue Oct 06, 2015 1:43 pm

Hi Leila,
I don't really know what to say to help and I'm travelling a similar path to what you've been on. If I don't know what to say then you're family members definitely won't! It doesn't help you though if they choose their words so poorly. Time is a healer, though how much time is impossible to answer, only you'll know. This part of your grief will be the hardest, but you didn't let your dad down at all, he died in the hospital because that is where it was best for him to be at that time. Don't beat yourself up about it, you made the right decisions.
Hope you get some help, have you thought about talking to anyone? I've been to McMillian over the last few years and found it a great help to just talk out my problems and feelings. The counselor was definitely a help and I knew each time when I had been enough, though my sister in law was going for over a year after she lost her mum.

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Re: Unable to cope

Postby Sueoliver » Wed Oct 07, 2015 11:46 am

Hi Leila,
How are you feeling? Have you spoken to anyone? I will e mail you. Sue x


Re: Unable to cope

Postby Fifi » Wed Oct 07, 2015 8:21 pm

Rob, thank you. I know deep down that I did all I could. His life was in my hands, and I do believe he was pain free by the end, which is very important. I thought about contacting Cruse, but not done that yet. Didge has sent me some useful information. I have a supportive boyfriend who is ok with me talking about my Dad as much as I want. He makes me smile of some things Dad said. I wouldn't think of things if it weren't for him. He is all I have, and although that is quite sad, I would rather that than the ignorant people I did have. I was told a death is a death, and that circumstances don't matter. What I have seen and done doesn't matter. If it unexpected, or whether it is something like cancer, is no relevance. Absolutely shocking. The only people that can understand, are people here.

Sue, I am not too bad at the moment, thank you for asking. I haven't had contact with the people that upset me, which is making me less distressed. I will email you Friday when I am off work, will have more time then.

Leila xxx

jules 2015
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Re: Unable to cope

Postby jules 2015 » Wed Oct 07, 2015 11:14 pm

Hi Leila
I don't post on here often but your dad was diagnosed at a similar time to my dad. Unfortunately my dad only survived a short time after diagnosis. He died in Nov 2013 and I still experience flashbacks and relive his last few days every day. I am having bereavement counselling at a local cancer charity which I have found really helpful, I initially contacted cruse but there was a 6 month waiting list. I would recommend you contact your local hospice or gp to see what services are available in your area.. I too am angry at what hapened to my dad, I find it difficult to talk to anyone about how I feel and still cry whenever I try to talk about my dad and what hapened to him. Its still early days for you, you did everything you could for your dad try to take one day at a time. I.don't think I'll ever accept what happened to my dad, Im just hoping one day I'll be able to remember the happy times.
Take care
Julie x


Re: Unable to cope

Postby Fifi » Thu Oct 08, 2015 8:48 pm

Hi Julie,

Thank you for your post. Thank you for showing me, or confirming that there is nothing wrong in my feelings. We loved our Dad's and so the hurt will stay with us forever.
I too won't accept won't happened to my Dad, he should have died an old man, not a young man with this dreadful illness. I wish I never had to see him suffer the way he did, bit I did, and I am thankful that he weren't alone and that I could help him.
As well as the flashbacks, do you still hear things he said to you?

Leila xx