Devastated

[Sueba]

Hi

I'm up early didn't sleep much last night....

I'm devastated to tell you all my best friend,rock and beautiful husband died yesterday morning,unexpectedly and very quickly.

I want to tell you what happened.

As you may know Mick was diagnosed over a year ago age 42 with advanced inoperable pancreatic cancer and given the awful prognosis of having months to live.myself and our 3 beautiful sons were devastated but knew he would fight to stay with us as long as he could....

He started on folfirinox last November having 6 full strength doses and was told his tumour was stable but still inoperable and always would be.At this point we decided to travel to Heidelberg for a second opinion and was delighted when the consultant there said he woul operate.

It was a tough decision but micks wanted to go ahead despite knowing the risks,he decided if it gave him a few more months it would be worth it!

It was a difficult time in Heidelberg,I was out there by myself,the boys stayed at home with my parents.He had some very low points but we always looked forward to coming home,which we did 4 weeks later.

His physical fitness and strong mental attitude meant at 11 weeks post op he could tolerate 2 more folfirinox,this made him very I'll and he lost most of his hair and a lot of weight.But once the chemo had finished he rapidly grew stronger and stronger,he resumed his Thursday night football (at a lower level)came to the gym and we managed a family holiday to Greece in August.

We celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary and had a weekend away,all treasured memories.

If you asked him how he felt he would say as normal as ever!and he looked amazing!!

Probably about 3 weeks ago on one of our daily walks I noticed his skin had a slight yellow tinge to it,he went for a blood test and sure enough was jaundice.So back on that roller coaster of worry,both a CT scan and MRI scan were clear just showing up a bit of hypertension in his intestines but nothing to worry about,phew we thought!

So back to normal life!he played in a football match last Friday and met a friend for coffee on Wednesday afternoon,on his return he dashed to the loo and shouted to me he had passed some blood and took a sample which we rushed down to our doctors.

He was admitted Wednesday evening to our local hospitals medical assessment unit and it was decided to do a gastroscopy the following day as a non emergency,it was strange they took some bloods and his bilirubin levels had dropped and he didn't look jaundice.

He had his gastroscopy Thursday afternoon which nothing showed up as the cause of his bloody stool.A couple of varices were noted (varicose veins in stomach)but classed as a grade 1 out of 4.So he returned to the ward happy,relieved and starving!!!he had been nil by mouth.

After tea a doctor came and showed him the report which Mick had a good read of,micks then said so I can go home this evening?to which the doctor said we need another two blood samples so best to stay in till the morning.Mick,never a complainer,said of course,so we sat chatting about the boys Christmas presents etc

I left about 7:30pm as were both tired from the worry etc he kissed me and told me he loved me as he always did and I came home to the boys,micks said don't rush back early in the morning as he knew it would be round lunch time before he would be discharged.

Yesterday morning we exchanged messages,he'd had a bowl of porridge,he'd ordered our youngest sons Christmas present but still hadn't had any news on coming home.It was my best friends daughters 3 rd birthday so I decided to call on the way to the hospital and got there about 9:15amAbout 10 mins later I received an awful phone call from the ward saying come quick your husband has taken a turn for the worst!what?he had been fine?i dashed up there to be put in the relatives room.A nurse quickly came to tell me he had been sat reading the paper when he started vomiting a lot of blood,doctors were on the scene at once but he was losing consciousness and they were trying to stabilise him to get an endoscope in to see where the bleed was coming from.They anaesthetised him and dashed him off the ward,I caught a brief glimpse of him...

After that it wasn't good,they got the endoscope down and had to resuscitate him on the table,they miraculously found the bleed and injected as well as inserting a balloon to put pressure on the bleed.

He was whisked off to critical care but I was told he was very very poorly.

We (my parents had dashed up)were put in the relatives room on critical care but 10 mins later were told the devastating news Mick had passed away,he'd arrested again and his heart had just packed in,the bleeding was profuse and his body couldn't take it anymore.

The staff were excellent,they talked through the chain of events and comforted me with the knowledge that he'd lost consciousness mot long after he had vomited and then they had anaesthetised him so he wouldn't have known anything.

It is myself and my 3 strong sons who unfortunately have to feel the pain,but we will bear it so he doesn't have to!

I am so gratefull for the time we had post op,I had my husband back right to the end!we have been able to tell each,other how much we love each other and he's been able to tell the boys too.

In the end the way he went was my typical Mick!!he had stayed in hospital the might luckily as if this had happened at home I would have had to live with it.

He was sick before I arrived so I didn't see any of it,and when I went to see him after he looked peaceful and beautiful.

My heart has broken like so many of you here on this forum.

I really don't know what I am going to do but I promised him I'd look after the boys and that's what I will focus on.

Thanks

Sue

Xx

[cestrian]

Sue

Devastating for you to suffer the sudden loss of Mick so unexpectedly and at such a tragically young age. My sincere condolences to you and your boys.

As you say you do have the comfort of having been able to express your deep love for one another and you will draw strength from this particularly as time passes.

May your God bless you all

Love and Peace

Mike

[yorkypaul]

Sue, I am so very sad and sorry for your sudden and tragic loss. I suspect you will be in a detached, dream-like state for several weeks/months now as you function on automatic pilot (that's how it was for me, anyway). Your three lovely boys will give you strength and focus (as my children did, and still do 10 months on). I hope you have a network of loving family and friends who can be there for you.

Thank you for all the kind wishes and support you sent to me while Andrea was ill. If you ever just want to message me I will always reply, offering what little advice and comfort I can. Meanwhile I send you and the boys my love and prayers.

Paul xx

[J_T]

Dear Sue, I am so shocked to hear Mick has gone. I've been following all the Crossfit stuff on FB and thinking how fab it all is and how well Mick was doing.

My heart goes out to you and your three boys. Take good care of yourself.

I will be thinking about you in the difficult days ahead.

Much love

Julia xxx

[Bee]

Dear Sue,

I have read your post with tears running down my face, I am so sorry to hear of your loss, as always there simply are no words but you are in my thoughts.

Mick was diagnosed shortly before my Chris and at the same age and I think our children are similar ages, although their paths have been different with this disease I have always looked out for your posts as they seem to be the youngsters of this forum.

I am sure you and the boys are in a state of shock and bewilderment as everything was so sudden, I hope one day you can take comfort from the fact that Mick enjoyed life right until the end and you had the opportunity to create some wonderful family memories.

Thinking of you

Bee xxx

[Slewis7313]

Dearest Sue (and of course family), I simply cannot comprehend what has happened to Mick and my heart really goes out to all of you. It is again so unfair that after Mick's hard battle which seemed to have been won that he was so suddenly taken from you all. It is good to hear that he did not seem to suffer and was active up to the end. You have both been such an inspiration and help to me and I will be thinking about you over the next days.

Please take care all

Lots of love

Steve

X

[Cathy]

Dear Sue,

I was stunned to come to the forum this morning to see your post, and absolutely devastated for you.

Like Julia I have been following Crossfit on Facebook and it could only have been, what, 2 weeks ago you and I messaged each other on it and I'd said how well Mick looked on the YouTube video?

I am sure you must feel absolutely numb and in shock at the moment.

Am praying for strength for you and your boys and am thinking of you at this very sad time.

Cathy xxxxx

[EmmaR]

Oh dear dear Sue , what can one say I have followed you and Mick's journey and always said prayer for such a young family to have to bare this awful disease , I am at low ebb with my Jon but he is 71 but you were lucky to have the love of a good man and 3 precious sons with him , in time you will remember the good times and the boys will be so proud of what you done caring for their Dad .

Sending all the love I can .

EmmaR xx

[nikkis]

Dear Sue,

Am so sorry to hear that you have lost your lovely Mick, what a shock. I can't even begin to imagine how hard this must all be.I am sure it is some comfort to you that you got to do all those lovely things together this year.

Take care of yourself and your boys,

Nikki

[belgrade]

Dear Sue and family,

I am shocked and so very sorry to hear about your husband. My thoughts are with you and your boys.

Take care,

Hilary x

[dabber66]

So sorry Sue, devastated at your posting, you and your boys will be in my prayers, such a blessing you have three sons, strange how we feel we all know each other so well through the postings. Carole. x

[marie souter]

Oh no .. My heart goes out to you, am so sorry for your loss. I just lost my mom on Nov 8th and I felt she was too young to go at 65 but 42 leaving you and his beautiful children. I can't imagine how you must feel. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers..

Marie

xx

[Thriae]

Sue, I am so desperately sad for you. It is truly unfair that someone so young should lose their battle like this - particularly after such bravery in going through aggressive chemo and surgery. As a mother myself I can imagine how deepened your anguish is, though I hope you will be inspired and comforted by the resilience that little people seem to show.

There really are no words that can make this okay, so all I can do is offer you my deepest sympathy alongside everyone else here, and wish you all the strength and love you need to carry on as a family.

Love, Aimie

[karen17]

Dear Sue I just don't know what to say! Read your post with tears streaming down my face the same as many others I suspect. Funnily enough I had briefly gone on facebook yesterday and seen a photo on Julia's thread I think. I thought I recognised the people in the photo but it just didn't register with me that it Mick. You and Carol were the first people I spoke to on here and now all three of us have lost our lovely husbands at a tragically young age. Like you I also draw comfort from the fact that Bob was still leading a normal life up until the last couple of weeks and I know that he did not realise he was not going to get over his infection. He was also totally unaware which I was grateful for.

My heart goes out to you and the children and I will be thinking of you. If you want to talk or rant you have my email.

Take care

Karen xxx

[Carole McGregor]

Oh my dear friend. I had started to worry a bit when you didn't reply to my last email but convinced myself it was just you being busy, busy, busy as usual. I am sitting here in shock. There is nothing I can say that will ease your pain. What I do know from the brief time we have known each other is that you and Mick had something really special and faced this cruel disease together as a team with great courage and strength. I am sure you made Mick feel loved and cherished every day, as he did you. Like Karen, you know where I am when you are ready. The next few days will be difficult. The weeks after that almost unbearable but remember, you are not alone.

Love

Carole

[Holly13]

Dear Sue, I don't know what to say, other than that I am so so sorry for your loss. Mick truly was an inspiration to us, especially for my Dad, Steve, who both Mick and yourself helped so much. I will always remember and be grateful to him.

You and your family are in my thoughts,

Love Holly xx

[marie souter]

Sue,

Am so so sorry for your loss x its awful seeing one person after another passing on here, truly heartbreaking .. sorry I havent posted to you before as my own mother passed away just recently with this awful disease .. my heart goes out to you

hugz

Marie

xx

[Birchen]

Dear Sue and family

So very very sorry at your sad news. Really feeling for you all at this dreadful time.

love Lyn x