Scared for my dad

[Jwilson]

Helen have a bit of wit. We are all here supporting you even in the smallest of ways. You can't always be the one with the positive comments. Good luck for the next few days.

June

[cestrian]

Helen

I've always cried more when I've lost one of my dogs! They are an integral part of any dog-loving family but at least with a dog you can always take the right decision when the time comes. It must be so difficult for you and your family when your beloved father is so poorly and you feel unable to help apart from giving him all the love and care that you can and ensuring his professional care team make life as pain free as possible.

You have the added responsibility of helping your Mum to cope with all of this but you do need look after your own health as well so take time out when you can, even the odd hour or two will help. Apart from sometimes being a bit of a miserable old sod I am pretty good but a friend takes my wife to lunch every couple of weeks and she also visits my sister for the odd afternoon. Be kind to yourself as well as others, have a good cry if it helps, and spoil yourself whenever you get the chance - we are all here for you.

Love and Peace

Mike

[Helen_Catherine]

Hi again, thank you for your replies. Unfortunately again I do not have any good news but thought I would update on what is happening now. We were told yesterday by the hospital staff that my dad only has days left to live. It's unbelievable how quickly this cancer has took a hold of him. I can't put into words how devastated I am to be honest. Just when you think things can't get any worse they do. I have never had a week like this in my whole life.

I have gone from being in hospital with my mam on Saturday night to my dad back in hospital the next day. He was told he had an infection from the biopsy which is why he was so poorly. He's been really confused and as the week has progressed he has got worse. Some days he hasn't really been able to hold a conversation and he is bed bound now. On Wednesday night my dog fell ill again also, he was breathing quickly, trying to be sick and drooling everywhere. I took him to the emergency vets and they were really concerned for him and kept him in overnight and gave him pain killers. The next day he was much the same so they asked me to take him to the specialist vets where he was supposed to be having them surgery on his cyst next week. They wanted to have a look at him as they thought it might be related to the cyst. The specialist vets were really baffled and were concerned he wasn't going to pull through. They kept him in and did tests and now they think he has something called Addison's disease which is completely separate condition to the cyst but is treatable. Apparently it can be brought on by stress and part of me thinks he has picked up what is going on with my dad. I know that sounds silly but he's quite a sensitive little dog. He is still on the vets but seems to be improving with the help of drugs. The vets can't believe it, they said they have never known a dog have such rare conditions in such a short amount of time. They said I was really unlucky and they don't even have a clue what's happening with my dad. So with spending time with my mam, at the hospital and the vets and also being at work I am completely shattered. Every day I have tried to get over what has happend that day and then something else has kicked me back down again. I tried going back to work on Wednesday but was leaving work early to go visit my dad. Now he has his own room and we are only expecting days with him left I am obviously not going back to work and spend my time with my family. I am really scared for him, I don't want to lose him but I don't want him to suffer either. I can't believe that this is happening and I don't know how I am going to cope. I don't even know what to say...

[nikkis]

Oh Helen,

I wish I could give you a hug. You are doing such a great job trying to hold everything together, and I know it is so hard dealing with your own feelings and trying to support your Mum as well. We have a dog and love him very much, so I understand that's all you needed, him ill as well.

Try and take care of yourself, rest and eat when you can,

Nikki

[Cathy]

Hi Helen

I'm sorry to hear things haven't got any better since you last posted. It's sounds like you must feel exhausted just keeping everything together. At least it sounds as if your dog is getting a little better. Lets hope s/he is home soon.

Yes, just get yourself signed off work. Are you all getting any support from Macmillans now?

I hope that your Dad is comfortable and that they are giving him anything he needs to feel so.

As Nikki said, take care of yourself too, and post on here whenever you want.

Cathy xx

[EmmaR]

Helen nothing I or anyone on this forum can say that will really convey our true feeling as to what your are going through so I will just send as much love as I can to you and your family you will get through this stay strong and remember( If you weep because the sun as set your tears won't let you see the stars ) old Hindu proverb .

Emma xxxxx

[Helen_Catherine]

I can't believe I am typing this but my dad past away at 12.50am on Wednesday morning. After spending a day asleep for most of it and not being able to talk when he was awake, I think it was all too much for him and he slipped away about 4 hours before I left him. My last words to him were to get some rest now and that I loved him very very much. I know that he wanted to say it back but he couldn't. I couldn't say goodbye to him, I always said I would see him tomorrow even though I knew there was always a chance I wouldn't. It broke my heart when my mam told me to rush to the hospital and then she rang me again whilst I was on my way to say it was too late. Part of me thinks that as my dad was quite a quiet and private man at times that he wanted to pass away on his own. The day before he kept telling us to go home and I think that he found it difficult us seeing him how he was and wanted to be left alone. I know that most people would have kept vigil at such a critical time. But after spending the whole day with him the day he died, I began to sit there and wonder if he actually wanted someone to be there 24/7. It was difficult because he couldn't answer me if he wanted to be left alone or for me to sit with him. I guess the not knowing will always torment me if I did the right thing or not. He never complained about what was happening to him and I can't imagine how difficult it would have been for him. It doesn't feel real at all, and I know it hasn't sunk in. I just want to grab his clothes and smell them to feel like he's here still. I keep thinking he will walk through the door but I know deep down he never will. I don't know when or how I will come to terms with this loss and words can't describe how much I will miss him. I wish all the best for every one of you on your journey with this horrid evil cancer. My journey was only short but you did help me along the way.

[Jwilson]

Helen, so sorry to hear about your dad, you sound just devastated. That feeling of expecting him to walk through the door followed by the realisation that he never will......terrible. I understand that. After my mum died a few years ago I kept thinking oh I must tell mum that, then the jolt....oh no I can't ever tell her anything any more. The suffering is over and by gum there is suffering with this flipping thing. Keep strong....or strong ish

June

[Cathy]

Hi Helen

Oh I am so so sorry to hear this. Your Dad's journey was so swift I'm not surprised you feel it doesn't feel real.

You did a great deal for your Dad and it would have been very clear to him, and a huge comfort to him, that you loved him dearly so please don't torment yourself by wondering if you did the right thing. You did everything right as far as I can see. And it sounds as if his last few hours were very peaceful.

Sending you lots of virtual strength for the days ahead and virtual hugs

Cathy xx

[KATB]

Oh Helen I am so very sorry to hear this. I lost my own dad on the 12th so I know the pain you are in.

I think you are right about people not wanting everyone to be there at the very end. I was with my dad for the whole of the week before he died but he actually passed away when my brothers and I were downstairs and not in the room with him. I was devastated by this but the district nurse told me that her mother did exactly the same thing and it did make me feel better. I was there as much as I possibly could be and so were you.

Sending you love at this difficult time.

Kate

x

[PCUK Nurse Jeni]

Dear Helen,

I am so sorry to hear the news of your dad passing away.

It really is a devastating blow when this happens in such a speedy manner. My thoughts go out to you. I know I speak for the whole support team, and indeed the charity, in sending our sincere condolences.

For both you and Kate, then I understand the story of your loved ones wanting to be alone - sometimes, it seems as though they wait for a moment when there is no one around, and then slip off peacefully. I have both professional and personal experience of this, so I know exactly what you say. People often say a baby will be born when its ready to be born - I guess we can say the same about death - they slip off when they are ready.

Its great that you are all supporting one another as well as you do. Very special.

Kind regards,

Jeni.

[jules 2015]

Dear Helen

I am so so sorry to hear the news about your dad, I have been reading your posts as your dad's situation sounrd so similar to my dad's. You must be so devastated, this dreadful disease seems to take over so quickly, I'm glad that he didn't suffer any pain.

My thoughts are with you at this sad sad time

Julie x

[Thriae]

I read your thread as part of coming to terms with the inevitable death of my dad. I just wanted to offer some personal reassurance that it - as I believe - was almost certainly the way your dad wanted things to be. I, like others here, have experience of the seeming ability that we have to choose( (to a certain extent) when to enter and when to leave this world. I know people who have hung on until after Birthdays or Mother's Day to die as if to make the timing of their death and the manner just that bit more bearable for those they leave behind. Or perhaps, to exert some last choice and control over their life that is about to end.

I believe this even more keenly after the experience of my 3rd child's birth. He was almost 3 weeks overdue, and by the time my parents arrived from nearly 300 miles away - planned to meet their new grandchild by this time - I went into sudden labour about 2 hours after their arrival at our home. It was as if he waited for the moment to be right. If the same is true in life and death, and if you share such beliefs, I hope you can find comfort and peace in yourself that your dad died at the moment that was right for him.

Of course, you have your grieving to do, and nobody would wish to rush that, but I do hope you will not berate yourself for not being there and are able to move from the tears, shock and sadness to a position of happiness and fond memories.

Kind thoughts.

[Helen_Catherine]

Thank you so much for your replies. I guess I am kind of looking for reassurance about me not being there when we passed away. And what other people think about it, I hadn't really thought about it until now whether someone did have control over when they actually pass away. But that day I was thinking about how much he was suffering and if he was hanging on until I had gone just so he could pass away quietly. My dad wouldn't have wanted to see me upset hence up until the day he died I never cried in front of him. It's kind of weird in a way how he was asleep for most of the day then after I had nipped to go get a coffee and I came back he was awake. He couldn't speak and he couldn't hardly move but he did mange to move his hand to hold mine. And he had his eyes open and I know he was listening to what I was saying to him. I'm glad I had that time with him and I will hold onto that for comfort.

We are arranging the funeral for my dad who was none religious so we are having a humanist ceremony. He was very adamant he wanted no religion so we will be thinking about a lot of memories we have of him to put in the service. I have wrote a poem for the funeral as a kind of goodbye from me to him but I am worried people might think it is a bit amateur. I am no professional poet so I'm thinking whether to have the one I wrote and be slightly embarrassed or just look for another one that a professional has wrote!

[EmmaR]

Helen so so sorry to read your post me and my family are on the same path that you have just walked just been told no Chemo for my hubby so I dont know how long we have .Please stay strong for your mum and please use your poem it will be your loving goodbye to your Dad and not anyone else's .

EmmaR XX

[Jwilson]

Dear Helen

Your father would prefer your words before the words of any literary genius. You knew him better than any one so have the confidence to stand up and tell it how it was. Amateur my foot! Good for you for writing something. I have been half thinking about what I should say when this killer takes my husband. Like your dad Bill is non religious. Ashes scattered in the mountains that he knew so well is what he wants. I don't know if I could carry off actually getting up and speaking. All the best to you if you do it!!! Take a deep breath and go for it.

June x

[Bee]

Hi Helen,

I am really sorry to hear your dad has passed away, it's sounds like you did everything you could for him all the way through his journey.

As for the poem, what a lovely idea, I am sure it won't be amateur or criticised because it will from the heart. Sy what you feel because the truth can't be wrong!

Take care,

Bee xx

[Cathy]

Hi Helen

Please use your poem. Even if you decided not to get up yourself to say it, someone else would, or you could even have it printed as part of the order of ceremony (in fact you could do that even if it was spoken during the ceremony). No-one would think it amateurish, more likely to find it incredibly moving.

Cathy. Xx