tired

[Thriae]

How are you today Marie? X

[marie souter]

Oh Jules am so sad about your dad my thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family ... and thankyou so much for all your kind words and support as always everyone ... time is drawing near now ... her hands and feet are swelling, she can't swallow so she can't take a drink and secretions have build in her throat making that awful sound ... I guess it won't be long ... still doesnt seem real yet .. I only popped home for five minutes so I'm going straight back now ... horrible times .... can't bear it x

[KATB]

Oh my goodness

Wishing you strength and sending you love - I know how hard this all is, it's all so fresh in my mind.

xxx

[Bee]

Marie,

I am thinking of you and your mum

Bee xxx

[jules 2015]

Hi Marie

I am thinking of you and sending you lots of love, strength and virtual hugs to get through this terrible time.someone said to me that I would find the strength to be there until the end and I did somehow. I know what you mean about it not seeming real, but you are doing a great job. Your mum must be so proud.

Julie x

[marie souter]

Not home yet will post in a few days but my beautiful mommy passed away Friday night 10:25pm

[nikkis]

So sorry to hear this Marie,

Lots of love,

Nikki

[cestrian]

Marie

My poor love, sincere condolences on your sad loss. You know that at this sad time you have the love and support of all of us.

Praying that you are able to come to terms with this and find the inner resources that you will need.

Yesterday I was thinking deeply about different levels of courage, trying to comprehend how very young men in wartime faced almost certain death and carried out acts of such extreme valour that it is difficult to understand how they were motivated to do so. I think on the forum we hear of how families rise to the challenges presented by caring for their loved ones in their final days and in ultimately losing them while still showing amazing fortitude. I know you will do as you have done throughout, present a brave face to the world and carry on with making the arrangements your dear mother would have wanted. As I have said we are all with you and are here to listen to your fears, anger and whatever other emotions you need to vent.

Love and Peace

Mike

[EmmaR]

Oh Marie,

So very very sorry but your beloved mum is free of the terrible pain now, so take courage from all our forum family be brave, be strong , sending all the love I can .

EmmaR xx

[J_T]

Marie, so sorry to hear that you have lost your mum. May she be at peace.

Look after yourself.

Much love, Julia x

[PCUK Nurse Jeni]

Hi Marie,

So very sorry to hear the news of your mum's passing. You have done an amazing job of nursing her in her final days. I am sure you had a very close bond.

Please accept our sincere sympathies - both from Dianne and I on the support line, and the wider charity staff. You are in our thoughts.

Kind regards,

Jeni.

[jules 2015]

Hi Marie

So very sorry to hear of your mums passing. Its been my dads funeral today so I know what you are going through. You have been a great support to your mum and there is nothing more you could have done.

God saw you getting tired

And a cure was not to be

So he put His arms around you And whispered "Come to me."

With tearful eyes we watched you

As you slowly slipped awayAnd though we loved you dearly

We couldn't make you stay.

Your golden heart stopped beating

Your tired hands put to rest

God broke our hearts to prove to us

He only takes the best.

Sending you lots of virtual hugs and am here for you if tou need to chat

Julie x

[Bee]

Hi Marie,

So sorry to hear of your loss, you have done a wonderful job in caring for your mum, now take care of yourself.

Sending a hug

Bee xx

[belgrade]

So sorry to hear about your Mum, my thoughts are with you and your family.

Hilary x

[Cathy]

Hi Marie

I am also so so sorry to hear your sad news. Your Mum had been poorly for a lomg time hadn't she but you did the most fantastic job of caring for her and I hope that you manage to get some comfort from that now. From reading your posts I don't think anyone could have done more.

I hope as you prepare for her funeral that you get the support you need and deserve.

Take care

Cathy xxxx

[marie souter]

Hey guys .. thankyou for all your kind words ... Mike I have to say ... I digested what you said and I can say it took me a great deal of courage to stay through those final days ... can't compare to those soldiers but ... I wanted to run a million miles away .. and stayed ... so the only word I can think of to sum of was .. courage ...

I've only been given a week to empty her flat so I've been staying there ever since 8th Nov and just come home today, I didn't feel like I could leave her beloved flat empty. So I've been in there sorting through stuff, it felt so wrong rooting through all her personal possessions but it was one of those things that had to be done.

I woke up this morning thinking it was her funeral and immediately felt sick, but then realised I was emptying her flat..a finality all the same. I woke up with the song 'Time to say goodbye' going over and over in my head. Leaving the flat I went through every room and recited stories of things we'd done together the good and bad times, mostly good..times we shared that were precious. .. I don't want to go into the ins and outs of her final 3 days as there are people on here suffering with this horrendous cancer. If any carers would like any advice on what you may have to deal with and expect also what to 'INSIST' on! My personal email is [moderator - email address removed as per forums guidance about personal information. Please contact support@ email address should you want this address].

Right now I'm dotting her stuff round my flat and it hasn't sunk in..I just tried to ring my sis and getting no answer I thought I'll see how moms doing ... gutting.

The Macmillan team, district nurses and out of hours team were an invaluable source of support all through these 8 mths and although I decided to not have any carers we coped well me and mom and she passed away at home as she wanted, the team were so supportive all through and especially at the end when I probably needed them most.

We are actually having moms funeral on the 20th (I know a long times from her passing, but the crem is having alterations) .... I won;t stop being busy really til the day after so I guess I can let things sink in .. too much to do have to keep myself strong to do what needs to be done..

8 mths tho guys '8 MTHS' 6 bad episodes .. lotsa good times in there .. rollercoaster ... she did good am so so so proud of her..

[J_T]

Bless you marie. So many gone in recent months, its hard to take in. So sorry you've had such a short time to clear your mum's flat. I can't bring myself to go through Ray's stuff yet so I realise how hard it must have been for you.

Take care.

Julia x

[marie souter]

Hi Julia,

Yeah it was very hard I think probably the photos all her treasured albums I wasn't ready to do that, my sister and brother wanted to so I left the room, lay on her bed, something snapped in my head and I screamed at the top of my lungs into her pillow, so much anger at such a wasted life, it should've been detected, the doctor should've done something, I think I year going backwards and forwards is enough time for someone to do something..so so so so angry..that seems to have hit me totally different from when I lost my dad.

Its so hard to go through their stuff isn't it, you just do it when you're ready take it from me don't be 'told' you should be doing it.

I dunno...

In my head shes gone out shopping, she just hasn't come back yet..

[cestrian]

Dear Marie

Never has your own amazing courage failed to shine through this thread like a lighthouse and this is so evident in your recent post. Despite your sad loss there you are as you have always done quietly getting on with the task in hand. You truly deserve more help than just the virtual support that we try to provide.

I am sure all of us will be thinking of you on Wednesday - it will be easy for me as it's my day for chemo so I will certainly be reflecting on my own good fortune and praying that your mother's funeral is a source of closure and comfort for you.

May your God be with you at this sad time

Love and Peace

Mike x

[marie souter]

Hi MIke,

How are you finding the chemo, are you almost through it all? Mom didnt want it for the side effects but I see so many people with their tumor shrinking and getting that extra time, I wish I could've talked her into having it. I'm wishing you so many good things with this treatment you're having.

Things havent hit me at all yet really ... feel like I'm in some strange limbo. My brother said it was because I have lost my job as well as my mom, but I don't think so.

Probably think things may hit me at the funeral.

I did promise mom I would hold it together to do what had to be done but I told her after that I would need holding up for a while.

I think I'm dealing a little too well, which is a bit concerning, as when dad died I didn't deal at all ... bah it's early days, too much happening.

Dreading the quiet.

Battling on tho, hey tho, my house is finally sorted and back to my standards, I think my hubby and daughter are sick of me cracking the whip .. hehe

Take care

Hugz

Marie x

[karen17]

Hi Marie,

So sorry to hear that your lovely mum has passed away. I remember reading your posts when Bob was still with us and feeling full of admiration at how well you were coping looking after your mum with so little support. It was so clear how much you loved her and Im sure that was reciprocated. You did mum proud and don't you forget that.

Bob passed away only 8 weeks ago and like you I feel I am doing ok and then worry about that. When I lost my dad I was an absolute wreck and the only thing I can think is that dad's death was sudden and not expected whereas with Bob I always knew what was coming. There's still tears every day but I am functioning.

Anyway Marie you look after yourself now and I will be thinking of you on the day of the funeral.

Karen xxx

[cestrian]

Dear Marie

Still having problems with the site as following the recent work on it my Kindle seems unable to recognise when I'm logged in! This means I type a reply thinking I am logged in only to be told I need to log in to reply Grrrr!!

My chemo is still going fine and I finished the third cycle a couple of weeks ago, had last week off and start cycle 4 on Wednesday. Mercifully I've had no side effects and the treatment has made me feel much better. During my week off,last week and today I've had all my scans and eye tests. To be honest the radioactive stuff I'm injected with and the gunge I have to drink for the various scans seem to upset my stomach far more than the chemo!!

As far as I know I can carry on with the chemo and treatment under my clinical trial for as long as we all think i am getting some benefit. I see my Professor this week so should find out what progress I've made since the last set of scans - I certainly feel really well at present, am eating well and putting weight on so all looking good for now.

Thanks for asking and typical of how thoughtful you are when you have such a lot on your plate. As I said in my last post I and many more will be thinking of you on Wednesday.

Love & Peace

Mike xx

[cestrian]

Dear Marie

Still having problems with the site as following the recent work on it my Kindle seems unable to recognise when I'm logged in! This means I type a reply thinking I am logged in only to be told I need to log in to reply Grrrr!!

My chemo is still going fine and I finished the third cycle a couple of weeks ago, had last week off and start cycle 4 on Wednesday. Mercifully I've had no side effects and the treatment has made me feel much better. During my week off,last week and today I've had all my scans and eye tests. To be honest the radioactive stuff I'm injected with and the gunge I have to drink for the various scans seem to upset my stomach far more than the chemo!!

As far as I know I can carry on with the chemo and treatment under my clinical trial for as long as we all think i am getting some benefit. I see my Professor this week so should find out what progress I've made since the last set of scans - I certainly feel really well at present, am eating well and putting weight on so all looking good for now.

Thanks for asking and typical of how thoughtful you are when you have such a lot on your plate. As I said in my last post I and many more will be thinking of you on Wednesday.

Love & Peace

Mike xx

[marie souter]

Hi Karen,

Thanks once again for the support, I think 8 weeks since you lost Bob is still such a short time and its still very raw for you I think its very early days for things to be hitting home for you. Whilst some people have the ability to just block it and carry on as normal I know I'm not one of them, my Dad had COPD with right sided heart failure and had to survive on 100% oxygen for 6 mths before he passed, I think if he had died suddenly maybe I would put my new process of grieving down to that. To be honest I was so much closer to mom more than dad and I expected to be in a hell of a state but I guess it will come. 3 years it took me to deal with dads passing and be able to focus on his lovely face and actually finally be able to look at his photos. I feel bad as there are pictures dotted round of mom all over since she passed but I noticed hardly any of my dad (sorted soon) I put that down to not being able to bear looking at his photos I found it too painful. I focused on his suffering and 'emotional torment' for so long. I am sure the real pain will come soon but maybe I am over thinking it and just need to let things happen as they will do without 'punishing' myself over it.

This all sux big style I see so many people suffering and having to deal with this awful cancer, theres not enough publicity about it at all and it needs sorting.

Thinking of you too honey

Hugz

Marie xx

[marie souter]

Hi MIke,

I am so pleased the chemo is going well for you and no side effects, well I know they told me some people don't get any but I found iy hard to believe, how mint that they actually aren't fibbing. The horrible sludge you have to drink, damn necessities (I know I probably spelled that wrong) and my grammar is terrible (as if you couldn't tell lol).

I love your positivity and I know you are bound to have your down days and rightly so be angry about it all but I think you come across as someone who is strong, courageous and inspirational and I always look forward to reading your posts.

I think it's easy to just not come on here after losing your loved one, but I feel that people need the support from others who have been there and bought that t-shirt as distressing at it is. The people who have continued to support me on here even though they are going through it themselves or have lost their much loved relative have a strong bond and I don't feel like I can leave people like that. The new people who come on at the beginning of this journey I feel a responsibility to continue the support I so greatly needed from all you guys when I started my own personal journey. It's just so sad seeing one after the other go. I don't feel like pancreatic cancer gets enough financial aid, my husband looked like a deer caught in the headlights when I mentioned the prospect of shaving my head for charity and donating my hair to somewhere who make wigs for cancer patients (I have waist length hair). So that idea was scrapped but we are now holding a fundraiser 12th or the 14th December (not sure offhand). We have a venue and some performers (local and family) I have a musical family and everyone can sing, we're charging at the door and going round local businesses to ask for gift donations for raffles and possible cash donations and I shall be rattling the PC tins whilst there to get people to put their hands in their pockets on top of charging an entry fee all proceeds to go to pc research, there needs to be more screening and I am not prepared to sit on my bottom and do nothing about it. I hate procrastination and dammit I will help whatever way I can whether verbally or by taking action. Seeing so many (and I know its a drop in the ocean) on here fighting this everyday with courage and fortitude and sheer strength, I have so much admiration for people like yourself, carers and the medical team who really make a difference everyday.

Bless you for being so supportive

LOve and hugz

Marie xx