Taking the plunge!

[nikkis]

Lovely Bee,

Thinking of you today, can only imagine how hard this is going to be.

Lots of love,

Nikki

[PCUK Nurse Jeni]

Hi Bee,

Thinking of you today for the Celebration of Chris's life.

Hope it goes as well as it can, and that you have some lovely memories of the day.

Kind regards,

Jeni.

[Cathy]

Hi Bee

As with the others, I truly hope that tomorrow goes wonderfully and my thought will be with you and your family, not just for tomorrow but for the path ahead.

Thinking of you

Loads of love and virtual hugs

Cathy xxxxxx

[InfoForMum]

Me too Bee. I'm sure it will be the send off he deserves and hopefully brings you lot of the support you need. Love to all of you.

Sarah

[marie souter]

Hi Bee I was wondering how you're holding up, I know its been 50 days (yes I'm still counting them) since my mom passed and I know how christmas was for me...how are you honey?

love and hugz

thinking of you

Marie

xx

[Bee]

Hi everyone,

I don't post often but do still read all the posts.

So the funeral was 23rd December , howling wind and pouring rain, which would have made Chris chuckle!

Standing room only in the church, over 350 people there, completely overwhelming for all of us. The service was just lovely, a real celebration amidst the tears. Our children helped to plan all of it, the music, the poems they read, our son carried his dad in, I am so proud of them. Then what a party we had, food wine, rugby songs,tears and so much laughter! I feel we gave him the best send off possible.

And then Christmas, last minute decision on Christmas Eve and travelled north to see family. It was never going to be easy but we got through it, that's all I can say. Our family and friends have been so supportive, but you just can't make it better for kids to wake up without their dad on Christmas morning.

We came home on Monday and spent last night with friends like we always do. I am so lucky to have amazing friends, another night we got through.

I always knew I would lose chris once the diagnosis was made but nothing prepared me for this. I know we were lucky that he stayed so well, and I had time in the hospice to say the things I wanted to but right now it's not enough. I just want to talk to him all over again, and hear his voice and touch him, and there seems no solution to how this feels. So I function on autopilot hour upon hour. Sorry am rambling !

I send all of you good wishes

Bee xx

[Cathy]

Hi Bee

Please ramble away. So lovely to hear from you.

I am so glad that Chris's funeral went so well despite the weather. I am sure others on here who lost their partners recently will completely empathise with how you are feeling. Jonathan isn't well at the moment and I dread what the future holds. I completely understand how you must feel.

Loads of love and virtual hugs to you and your family

Cathy xxx

[nikkis]

Bee,

That sounds like an amazing send off, you must have been so proud of your family. I can't say anything to ease your pain, it's all so unfair.

Paul is still in the hospice, and last night they suggested that the girls and I stay the night and we had a lovely evening all together. I kept thinking that you would be pleased that we had done that, making memories.

Lots of love,

Nikki

[sandraW]

Hi Bee, not posted on here before, my husband also has P/C I will post his story later but I couldn't just read your post and not reply. I have been reading your and Chris's story and I just want to give you a big cyber ((hug)) and say how incredibly brave you are being its so hard loosing a loved one at any time but Christmas must surely be even worse, it sounds as though Chris had a wonderful send off, he sounds to have been a lovely man, and it was wonderful so many people turned up to show how much he was thought of.

This is such a wicked disease, and so many on here have lost loved ones recently,I can't

give you any help with how much you miss your beloved husband, other than to say he will always be with you in spirit and just still say all the things to him that you want to say, Best wishes to you and every one here Sandra x

[J_T]

Hi Bee, glad everything went well and sounds like a really brilliant send off for the lovely Chris.

Glad you seemed to get the best you could out of the holiday season too. Know only too well how hard it is.

Much love

Julia x

[Bee]

Thank you all for your kind words, it really helps.

Have messaged June on Facebook as I think some of you are in touch there, don't know other surnames and I think she is away on holiday so will await her return and hopefully join you all on Facebook.

Nikki, so glad you and the girls stayed with Paul and as you said made memories, as someone wrote to me recently whatever happens no one can take those memories away. I hope his pain relief is improving.

Julia, I know that you know just how hard this is x

Sandra, thank you and I will look out for your post.

Take care all

Bee xx

[EmmaR]

Dear Bee ,

The celebration of Chris 's. is life sounded wonderful but the reality of what as happened is not so ! But you were strong for all the occasions Christmas, New Year , and now it is one step at a time it's 6 weeks since my Jon passed we had been married 51 year's and I like you just want to hear his voice talk to him hold him and wonder how I will carry on with out him at my side but then I think of all the brave women on this forum in just the same position as us and it is the thought of them thinking the same about us gives me the strength to look at Jon!'s photo and smile but when I am angry boy do I shout at him ....

Take care all of you on this forum .

EmmaR x

[Sueba]

Hi Bee

You have done amazingly well!

I lost my husband,at age 43,November 15th and found Christmas and New year extremely hard.My 3 boys were brilliant it was me in tears!

But like you say we just need to live an hour at a time for now,numbing my brain seems to be a survival technique!trouble is I keep loosing things,keys in the fridge etc

I'm sure in time we will be able to think of our hubbies with a smile rather than tears but for now just get through each day!

Hugs

Sue

X

P.s. Look me up on Facebook,Susan {name removed - moderator} ,don't be put off by the naked calendar pictures on my wall!!!!

[belgrade]

Hi Bee,

My heart goes out to you and all the others who have lost their husbands, I know exactly how you feel. I found Christmas quite difficult, but the New Year was in many ways harder. As Sue says, take it one day at a time. I find that trying to plan for the future sends me into a state of panic, so I go from day to day. Still find myself being drawn to this forum and feeling the sense of loss that is felt by many on here, but at the same time drawing support from the fact that others understand completely how you feel. Please keep posting!

Hilary x x

[Bee]

Hello , lovely ladies .

You are all so lovely with your thoughts and ongoing support. I never thought this kind of forum would be my thing, buts it's amazing how you connect with people who are miles away and have only PC in common.

Sue, I messages you on Facebook , wanted to check I had the right person before I sent a friend request, but maybe I got it wrong??

So another week has passed, been full of sorting affairs, tax forms, lists and paperwork, such a joy, especially when your brain is struggling to focus and it now seems a huge task to make a simple decision. Kids have gone back to school and so far it's going ok. I am still signed off sick and work seems a terrifying concept so not sure that I am ready for work yet, and then I feel,guilty about being off sick, so it's a no win situation.

It's four weeks tonight since I lost chris, someone asked me today if I felt angry. I don't and I haven't, I just feel numb or just desperately sad , mixed in with waves of fear for a future without him, is that just me or do some of you feel that way too ?

I think of everyone on here everyday, battling on against PC and making memories, or managing day by day and trying to find their way..

Take care all

Bee x

[J_T]

Hi Bee

The paperwork is just a nightmare isn't it? I decided to do probate myself and sent it off last week. I'm now sweating that I filled the forms out correctly and stupidly I sent the stuff off recorded instead of registered! Oh well!

You are right that the future is a bit scary without your partner and you soon begin to realise that its now down to you to sort out any household problems and you just have to get stuck in.

Its early days yet Bee so don't be hard on yourself and certainly don't feel guilty about being off sick, they will manage. Go back when you are good and ready and not before.

Much love

Julia x

[Carole McGregor]

Hi Bee

So good to see your post. It's such a strange time isn't it ? Really hard to know what to say when people ask you how you are. When Clive died, I sat in the same position in our kitchen for hours as people came and went around me. I just felt heavy, if that makes any sense, as though my body had slumped and everything slowed down. Still feel that way and I think it's the profound sadness that you talk about. I've often wondered if it is worse to lose someone suddenly without warning or to have the pain of watching the person you love most in the world gradually slip away from you. Haven't reached any conclusion but do think that on some level, without realising it, I began preparing myself for the worst from the moment Clive was first diagnosed so in a way, have already gone through the shock and anger phases and now left with the deep grief and overwhelming sense of loss.

Your children are much the same age as mine (13 year old twins). They are worrying me a bit as they don't seem to want to talk about their Dad's death. How are yours doing ?

Paperwork is endless isn't it ? Discovered when cancelling Clive's credit card that we have been paying for a dial up Internet service for property we sold 7 years ago ! Oh the ear bashing I would give him if he was here !

Much love

Carole

[PCUK Nurse Dianne]

Morning ladies,

As I am sure you know Jeni and I try not to 'intervene' too much on the forum, as it is 'your space', however we do log in to check and make sure you are all safe and receiving good support and comfort from each other.

We appreciate this is such a difficult time for many of you with recent bereavement and also at this time of the year. I know for those of you with young children, even teenagers, it can be quite difficult knowing how to cope with their 'loss' and bereavement coping too. There are some bereavement support groups and charities available to you, and one of those well recognised ones is called Winston's Wish. This is a free service and they have a very 'user friendly' web site if you may be interested in having a browse over it (Winstonswish.org.uk).

Also don't forget to look after yourselves too, there are support facilities if you do feel that you would like to talk to someone, also if you have a local 'Maggies Centre', they come very highly recommended. We are also here if you do feel that you just want to chat.

Take care ladies and thinking of you.

Dianne

Support Team

[nikkis]

Hi Bee,

If it makes you feel any better I have been off work since Paul had his surgery In May, there has just never been a point where things have been stable enough for me to go back, but I know what the guilt feels like.Very hard in our job to support other people when you are going through hell. I also think the times you spend alone between visits is difficult, but you will know when you are ready.

My dad died suddenly from a heart attack when I was 20 and like Carol I have wondered what is harder that sudden loss or this slow painful waiting. I think that this is perhaps harder as at least with a sudden loss you have not had a long disruption to normal life beforehand, and you know they haven't suffered. That's how I feel today anyway!

Take good care of yourselves,

Love,

Nikki

[cestrian]

Hi All

Absolutely in awe of the courage shown by each and everyone of you following the deaths of your loved ones. Only you know how incredibly hard it is but the fact that you are able to post on here and offer each other such incredible love and support is truly inspirational.

My wife had a GP appointment this morning as, at 68, she is having some problems with her short term memory and also, on occasions, is a little confused. She seems to be suffereing form anxiety to some extent which she thinks is down to my diagnosis last year. I was very moved when she blurted out to the doctor "When anything happens to Mike I just don't want to go on!" I'm sure that some, if not all, of you have felt exactly the same at some time but I do truly hope she will find the strength that you all demonstrate. I know that our two adult children will give her loads of support when the time (hopefully a good way off) eventually comes. In the meantime I have vowed to be much kinder too her even when I'm not feeling 100% myself and get grumpy and short of patience. A bit of a surprise as she has always been very positive and even optimistic almost to the point where I have wondered if she truly understood my prognosis. She obviously does but has maybe suppressed the reality in her own mind to avoid the pain it would invoke.

Love and Peace

Mike

[J_T]

Hi Mike, as ever a very thoughtful post.

Sorry to hear your wife is having a few problems too, goodness!

I understand how she feels but our mantra was always 'one foot in front of the other' and that was true while we were dealing with the illness and its still true now. There were times when I thought I could have run away, but very quickly the thought came that Ray couldn't run away, he had to deal with it and I was going to make sure I was with him all the way. We're only human so don't you worry about being grumpy from time to time, you're allowed and I'm sure your wife understands. It doesn't get any more stressful than this - for all concerned!

What you said about her not fully understanding your prognosis may be true I don't know. What I do know is that I had the conversation with Ray where I said 'I can see you in front of me, I can see that you are are unwell, but I still can't get my head around the awfulness of it, it just doesn't seem real!'. I think whilst the person is still there, although very ill in some cases, there's still that thing at the back of your mind saying 'nah! he's going to be fine'. Denial I suppose.

Anyway, enough of my rambles, I hope your tummy niggles have eased and you continue to be well.

KBO Mike!

Julia x

[EmmaR]

Oh dear Mike as they say it never rains unless it pours .

I can seconded everything Julia said , where we get the strength from I am not sure but we do it's 7 weeks since I lost Jon the days are sort of ok the nights can be a sad time I have good family support as you know your wife will have but let's not go there ! We can do nothing but get up every day and be glad that we can see the another sunrise and sunset and have compassion for those worst off than ourselves and there always are ! the young ones on this forum fighting this awful bloody thing ,

I look at Jon's photo smile and say thanks for 51 years and off I go to take the youngest grandchild to school which we have done since he started 5 years ago ( the parents need to work ) when Jon was ill I couldn't do it , but started again this week and was rewarded with the biggest smile and his outstretched arms when I went to collect him ... But so wished his grandad was with me as he so often was unless he was playing golf oh I'm rambling again .

Mike I wish you and your wife what you always wish us Love and Peace

Take care EmmaR x

[nikkis]

51 years, how wonderful Emma, but how much you must miss him having had all that wonderful time together,

Love,

Nikki

[Bee]

Hi all,

51 years, wonderful but as Nikki says you must miss him so much Emma x

Once again you all give such support.

Carole, I had a look at Winston's wish website there is some useful info on there. My kids are up and down but I think ok, as far as I can tell, but then I worry that maybe I am missing something, another turmoil of emotion . If you want to chat direct Carole just ask the nurses for my email, or can you message on here, anyone know?

Bee xx

[PCUK Nurse Jeni]

Hi all,

Just wanted to add my own thoughts to you all at such a time. Mike, you have a lovely way about you in your thoughts towards your wife.

Emma - beautiful image of your grandson greeting you with outstretched arms, and yes, as you say, a reward.

Bee, Sue, Julia and Carole - you are amazingly brave ladies. There isn't anything I can say to change anything, but just wanted to send a virtual hug to you all. (Carole your comment about the overpayment made me smile, I have to confess!)

Nikki, and others re work - I agree with you in that you have been doing your own "work", and as you say Nikki, there is never a time when you feel you can go back safely - especially the line of work you do. Bee - do not feel guilty, and as another poster said, go back when you are ready to, and not before that, otherwise, you will get there and end up having to come away again, as it will be so hard to cope (probably anyhow).

Take care all, and so great the support you give one another.

Jeni.