Folfirinox started on Wednesday and other stuff

[J_T]

Hi all, thanks for your lovely messages.

I had a lovely time in Lanzarote but it was hard at times too. Like Hilary and Crete, Lanzarote was a place Ray and I have visited often over the years. We had just started revisiting (after a long gap) for some winter sun as our more recent holidays have been walking in the mountains in Europe.

Just passing a supermarket we used often had me tearful, it gets you so unexpectedly at times. I found myself thinking of Karen and Hilary particularly, and of course all the others in the forum family who have lost their loved ones, knowing I'm not alone helps a little bit.

Some days are definitely harder than others but we carry on.

Love to all

Julia x

[Cathy]

Hi Julia (and Kate)

Lovely to have you both back and I'm glad that the holiday went as well as it did.

It was always going to feel very poignant for you but I'm sure the sunshine and quality time with the family will have done you (both) the world of good.

You can rest assured that your forum family will be here for you now you are home and starting on your new journey.

Sending you loads of love and virtual strength and hugs as always

Cathy xxx

[cestrian]

Hi Julia

Can appreciate you'd have some difficult moments revisiting this lovely island. My wife and I are booked for a long weekend there at the end of this month visiting very dear friends who live there. For me it's another little challenge but maybe not so much as it was for you.

Welcome home and keep on keeping on!

Love and Peace

Mike

[J_T]

Thanks for the messages, they mean a lot

Mike, am quite envious of you jetting off to warmer climes, I'm sure you will be fine, just enjoy! We really loved Lanzarote, so relaxing, especially down in Playa Blanca. The island gets a bad press, its not grotty at all lol!

My daughter, Kate, has already said we're going back in January so I shouldn't be too envious!

x

[belgrade]

Hi Cathy,

What a coincidence, we've also spent a lot of time in Almyrida. Dave used to enjoy walking from Kalyves (and in more recent years when we stayed in Douliana) to Almyrida. We had a good holiday and in some ways it was a comfort to return to a place which held so many memories for us all. My daughter and her boyfriend have decided to walk the Samarian and Imros gorges next year when we return to Crete in Dave's memory.

Good to hear you and your family had a good holiday Julia. I know what you mean about the little things that trigger memories and get to you, but there is some consolation in drawing on those memories and the knowledge thay can never be taken away.

Thinking of you all,

Hilary x

[J_T]

I find I'm still inextricably drawn to this site. Its like a comfort blanket, especially on days like today. So sad today and still trying to come to terms with losing Ray. That same feeling of helplessness that I had when he was diagnosed and we learned our lives had changed forever. Thing is, you never really realise how much until the inevitable happens.

I guess, as always, its one foot in front of the other but its so hard.

My best to everyone.

xxx

[Slewis7313]

Hi Julia, it is nice that you are still dropping in as your and Ray's story has in effect been part of our own stories for some time with the support we have drawn from each other during some difficult times. It is good to hear how you are getting on, even if it is not always as good as we might wish it to be..... we all understand.

Wishing you well

Steve

X

[Cathy]

Hi Julia

As Steve was saying, Ray's journey has been so much part of our journey. Kate's thread was the first I responded to when I joined the forum and we shared, and were privileged to share, your ups and downs alongside our own.

I've said before that I am in awe of people like you who still revisit the site to offer support to others treading in your path. I hope I have that strength. I am not where you are at the moment but I can empathise with how you must feel and know that it is the start of a long journey of coming to terms with losing Ray and starting on a different new path. And there will be times when you will inevitably feel low and back to square one. Accepting that that is normal and giving yourself time is important as is looking after yourself and letting others do so as well. If someone asks if there is anything they can do, take them up on it if you need to.

I know we will stay in touch Julia and it goes without saying that we think of you, Kate and our other forum friends all the time.

Cathy xx

[J_T]

I've just come back from a week in beautiful Northumberland with my son and his family. Ray and I were there in 2011 and we both loved it.

While I was there this time, I was looking through the books in the cottage we rented and there was one about Judi Dench. Each chapter was one of her friends talking about her and of course her late husband, Michael Williams was mentioned. He died from lung cancer in 2001.

One of Judi's friends had this to say about Michael's illness;

"His had been a mighty battle, 18 months in which despair and calm alternated without quite turning into hope, as each month he rose a little then fell a little more."

This resonated with me so much as this is mostly how it was for Ray, but of course only 7 months in his case, from diagnosis.

I went to our GP practice yesterday and looked through his notes on the computer. They have told me I can go back anytime and look again but paper copies have had to be sent off somewhere else. I have Googled and found that I can apply to get copies of his health records, here is the link if anyone else wants to do it

http://www.nhs.uk/chq/Pages/access-to-medical-or-health-records-of-someone-who-has-died.aspx

I really think it will help me understand his illness a lot more.

Wishing you all well as ever.

Julia xxx

[Cathy]

Hi Julia

Glad you got home safely after your holiday. It is lovely to get away, especially to somewhere special, although it can also feel very poignant. Mind, I know you had your small grandchildren with you so maybe you didn't get too much of a chance to feel anything but a busy grandma?

Good idea about Ray's health records. It could be a good way to understand his illness and maybe help start to come to terms with what happened a little?

I don't know, not being in that place myself but I am forever in awe of all of you who have lost a loved one to this disease and how you all manage to go forward and cope.

Loads of love as always

Cathy xxx

[InfoForMum]

Julia, you've been so kind to me and I hesitated to post as I don't have a personal handle on what you are going through, but I do know that with my Dad (he died 11 years ago after prostate cancer surgery) and with my particularly traumatic labour with daughter number 1, going over and over things initially raised more questions than answers, but over time it really put my thoughts in order and allowed me to gently pack some of the pain away in a safe place in my head. I didn't forget. I just found I could chose to remember things rather than the traumatic parts jumping out at me. I hope this makes sense and I hope you find the same.

Hugs

Sarah

[cestrian]

J_T wrote:

> Thanks for the messages, they mean a lot

>

> Mike, am quite envious of you jetting off to warmer climes, I'm sure you

> will be fine, just enjoy! We really loved Lanzarote, so relaxing,

> especially down in Playa Blanca. The island gets a bad press, its not

> grotty at all lol!

>

> My daughter, Kate, has already said we're going back in January so I

> shouldn't be too envious!

>

> x

You can be as envious as you like! Weather has been excellent for the time of year with three days of sunshine though it did cloud up after lunch. Today our friends who live here took us to the far end of Playa Blanca along a beautiful seafront walk past the Hotel Rubicon up towards Faro. Followed it up with very nice Italian lunch.

Only downside is change of air/water/diet or whatever has sent my guts into overdrive despite loperamide! Oh and the way time flies as homeward bound on Tuesday.

Love and Peace

Mike

[marie souter]

Hey julia

How u doing honey?

Love n hugs

Marie

Xx

[J_T]

Hi Marie, thanks for asking.

Not too bad. I had a bit of an unexpected melt down at Cancer Care on Tuesday. I was feeling just fine, did a bit of shopping in town and then went for my massage - first one with CC. Went into the treatment room, she sat me down and asked me how I was. That was it, Niagra!!! Its really weird.

Great organisation though, looking after cancer patients and their families with lots of nice therapies and treatmets. I have another massage booked for January.

How are you doing Marie?

Jx

[marie souter]

aw Julia,

I been doing the same thing, I keep saying 'don;t hug me' then I complain to my husband he hasn't hugged me for two weeks ... he can't win..

I never took advantage of that side of things cos mom wouldn't actually go to any of the respite days, even though she always wanted a proper massage (not one of my cack-handed versions lol)...

It hits you at the worst times doesnt it....I went to the pics to see the new 'hunger games' movie and burst into tears in the pictures halfway through the film..

can't seem to go anywhere without doing that...

I find everytime things get a little difficult I wander down to her flat and stand outside her kicthen window (I know creepy huh) no ones moved in yet tho cos then THAT would be truly creepy .. seeing me stare in your kiitchen window at 1am ... Gonna be wierd doing my xmas food shop tomorrow without mom ... bleak days atm isnt it

thinking of you honey

love and hugz

Marie

xx

[J_T]

We didn't make use of them (CC) when Ray was ill either. I gave him some simple massages but he was too ill to go there really and I didn't want to leave him, though it would have been nice. I didn't know the service was still available afterwards but it is so I might go to a few more sessions. It was really calming and nice.

I don't think you're creepy going down to the flat. its comforting. I am doing things that never in a million years I thought I would. The sorts of things that when other people have told me, oh so and so who lost their mum/dad/husband/wife/whoever has done x, y, z and in the past I thought 'ooh that's a bit strange' not now though. Whatever helps and gets your through is fine.

Julia x

[marie souter]

Hi Julia,

Glad you see it the way I do cos my hubby is a little freaked out by it..So sad to see Bees chris taken this morning, man .. so many lately isnt there.

I think I may see whats available to me cos am getting a little agrophobic so it will do me good to get out I guess...

Love and hugz

Marie

xx