My Husband

[Bee]

Hi again,

Oh no, the live chat is next week so the heat has fuddled my brain! So maybe email the specialist nurses with specific questions, and chat next week too !

Sorry

Bee x

[karen17]

Hi Franks wife,

Your post brought tears to my eyes because you have just described exactly how I feel only I have not been able to tell anybody as I feel it's just dreadful and selfish of me to feel this way. I too can also feel myself distancing myself and I know it's because I'm frightened of the future and the hurt I will feel. I also can't stand seeing my strong man going through all this. He's so brave. I've just had 3 weeks off work on my Gp's advice and returned today. I realise I can't stay off and have to learn to deal with it. I've been referred to counselling starting this week which I hope will help.

I can't help with your other questions either I'm afraid. Perhaps give the specialist nurses a call?

[Bee]

Hi,

You two have been very brave tonight and shared your thoughts which must be common as surely it's a self preservation technique? it is such a horrific situation for all of us and our loved ones to be in. For me , I seem to feel different every day and actually different emotions throughout the day. Sometimes I want to keep my little family all together and away from the world and freeze frame our lives, sometimes I am in complete denial, sometimes I feel angry at everyone and everything that this is happening to the people I love, I feel so incredibly helpless and also frustrated that I can' t do anything, and then there are times when I am simply terrified like I guess you feel to?, then I feel sick with fear. Then i have spells of feeling just so terribly sad, Sometimes it is all exhausting, isn't it? And then I think, but it's not about me, so I assume my usual, one day at a time stance and keep plodding on. On the bad days I just hope the next day will be better, I don't know how else to do it!

What I do know that this forum is fab, never thought it would be my thing it it really helps. I have met none of you but read all the posts avidly and take some comfort from knowing we are all in this together!

Good night all

Bee xx

[LindaH]

Has anybody else ever felt like they are distancing themselves from the person they love who has got the cancer? Sometimes i feel as though we are not so close because it is a way of stopping the worry. It is weird as if i am trying to stop myself from being hurt. Yet I love my husband with all my heart and i am petrified of loosing him. I panic when i think about it. My mind whirs with thoughts of a funeral and a future without him. I cry for him and the chance that he will not be here to carry on and enjoy the life we have together.

Hi Frank's wife,

I can totally understand your feelings. I'm the one with the Pancreatic Cancer and when I was first diagnosed my husband could not cope with the news at all. He felt so helpless, he wanted to take it away from me, but of course he can't and it creased him. He is also petrified of losing me.

Now, since everything has 'calmed' down in-so-much-as I am feeling well and my tumour has reduced in size, my husband is slowly getting back to life as it was. I think it's really my daughter (who is 21) who has put things in perspective by laughing and joking with me about the day to day life of coping with the cancer. Everyone copes in their own way, I don't think there is a wrong or a right way of coping with this disease and the prognosis, there's certainly no rule book.

Make sure you take the time out for yourself. Like my husband, you can't take it away and it must make you feel helpless, but don't ever worry about the way you feel ie; distancing yourself from the person with the cancer, it's not distancing it's taking stock, looking at life in a different perspective which from time to time we all need to do especially when faced with illness.

Linda x

[J_T]

Frankswife: First of all glad to hear you enjoyed your Scottish holiday, we LOVE Scotland!

Wise words from other forum members. Maybe in reality you are distancing yourself from the situation rather than Frank? I can't say I feel like that myself but there have been times when I felt I could just run away! As has been said, there is no right or wrong way with dealing with this awful situation we find ourselves in or from our emotions. We are all different and even the patients themselves deal with things in different ways.

As much as it is a cliche, its one day at a time for me and I find it works, for now at least.

Hoping Frank's back pain gets sorted and they can offer him more treatment when you have your meeting on Thursday.

Julia x

[Cathy]

I totally agree with you all. There is no right or wrong way, people have different ways of coping. One reason why I love this forum is being able to "talk" to people who are in exactly the same position and who all understand. My way of coping on the whole is just muddling through trying to focus on the now and try not think about the future too much, maybe that's avoiding things... I'm not sure though I wonder how I'll even cope when he's not around but I guess I know I will somehow because I'll just have to although it's not a future that I want, in fact, it is a future I dread. I won't deny that there haven't been times when I've selfishly wished it were me instead - or like Julia said, just run away. Sometimes I look at other couples (I did this on holiday) and just think how lucky they are - that they can make plans and ancicipate (if they are lucky) a future together. We're both still young (ish) - it's NOT FAIR.

Jonathan is dealing with it really well I think. He's very brave. He's seeing a councillor now who he likes (I'm on a waiting list). He accepts his disease (which I find hard sometimes) but what upsets him the most I think is leaving me behind and he cries for me (as he says, he won't be here but I still will be and that upsets him).

He has 1 child, a son from his previous marriage who he is very very close to (they're best friends) and who it seems is on the verge of great success (in the music industry). It's a very exciting time and I just hope and pray that Jonathan can stay well enough to enjoy seeing that. That's not too much to ask is it?

Frank's wife - good luck for Wednesday. It could be that loss of muscle tone might be the cause - the fact that you are saying stooping helps - hopefully your oncologist will put your minds at rest

Cathy xx

[Franks wife]

Just to update after 12 months.

I've re-read my posts and it makes me so sad. My husband lost his fight against PC on February 22nd 2014. He survived for 14 months after diagnosis. He was truly a fighter. At Christmas we noticed his stomach had bloated. We mentioned it at the hospital and it was decided to drain the fluid build up. 13 litres drained over 3 days. He had the drain removed and we carried on as normal for a couple of weeks. The fluid came back and Frank was fitted with another drain on 15th February. He had the drain until 21 February and in that time we drained 21 litres. As that last week we by it seemed as the fluid was draining so was his fight. He got very weak and stopped eating and drank very little. He looked so thin and his face was so gaunt. The drain wS removed on Friday evening of the 21st. He could hardly keep his eyes open and struggled to speak much. Not like my Frank at all. Saturday 22nd - he was in pain and felt sick. It was the first time that a district nurse was coming to see him. He had spent all day in bed and she arrived at 4 pm. Her last call of the day. Frank died 1/2 hour after she arrived. I think he was waiting for her to come so I didn't have to cope with that on my own. Always thinking of me.

He was my Hero, My Best Friend, Soul Mate, Problem Solver, Lover, My Other Half. These last 6 weeks have not been easy. I'm so lucky to have a great support network and wonderful children. Our daughter is expecting a baby on Tuesday. It's so sad that Frank will not get to hold his first grandchild. He was so close to being there. It has given me a focus and a light at the end of a very dark tunnel. I try not to think to far ahead because it scares me. A widow at 50 is not what I imagined my future to be. I wish you well, each and everyone of you, who has been, and continues to be affected by this cruel disease. As my husband said "don't ever give up as a cure could just be round the corner".

[Guest]

I am so sorry to read this. This disease is so cruel and it scares me every day.

Have no words to take away your pain, but my heart aches for you and your family. I hate reading these posts. I hope you can find comfort from posting here. We are all in the same boat one way or another unfortunately.

[EmmaR]

Oh so very very sorry to read your post having been there when I lost my hubby in November last year there are no words that really give comfort at the moment but just please know your forum family are here for you .

EmmaR x

[J_T]

So sad to read about Frank. This disease is relentless, its so heartbreaking.

As one life ends a new one is ready to start, a little bit of Frank carrying on in the grandchild he never got to see.

Much love

Julia xxx

Edited April 5, 2014 by J_T

[Cathy]

I'm so sorry to read this. So heartbreaking.

My own Jonathan died in January 13 months after diagnosis, he also got fluid build up towards the end and all of a sudden looked very poorly and deteriorated and died quickly. I think that there is comfort to be had in that neither of our partners lingered for long. I'm 50 later this year myself too and I empathise with how you are feeling.

Although it feels a lonely place to be, remember that others had tread or are treading the same path as you and know how you must be feeling.

Take care

Cathy xxx

[nikkis]

Hi there,

So sorry to hear that Frank has lost his battle. 50 is no age to die. Your emotions must be so mixed at the excitement of a first grandchild, but Frank not being there. Babies keep you very busy, so hoping there will be lots of love and comfort there.

Take care,

Nikki

[sandraW]

So sorry to hear the news that you have lost your beloved Frank, you will miss him dreadfully but he will always live on in your hearts and minds, enjoy your new grandchild, take care sandrax

[Franks wife]

Thank you so much for all the posts concerning Frank and myself. It really does make you feel as though you are not on your own.

Fifi - yes you are right. All of us are or have been bobbing along and trying to make the most of our journeys.

Emma - so grateful to be a member of this forum family and to know we are all related by this disease.

Jt - the baby is now my focus especially as I'm my daughters birth partner. I know this baby is going to be looked after by a very special guardian angel.

Cathy - I'm so sorry to hear that you lost Jonathan. We seem to be travelling parallel lives. You're right about the fact that neither if them had a drawn out ending. Frank's was very quick at home and with me at his side. It would have been awful if he had been very ill for longer.

Nikki - I'm game for all babysitting etc. this baby us going to be a special bundle of hope and happiness.

Sandra - I speak to Frank everyday. Whatever I'm doing I talk. I search for signs that he has heard me. I've so many happy memories and also the knowledge that we loved one another so much.

Once again thanks for the support we all receive on here. I will let you know when the baby is born. I send my love and hugs to all of you. We are all special people. Xx

[Franks wife]

I became the very proud grandmother of a beautiful little boy at 23.22 on 5/4/14. Mother and baby are doing well. I will endeavour to give the love of 2 grandparents to that little boy.

[Cathy]

Fabulous news!!

A little bit of light and happiness for your dark days.

Thank you for letting us know..... I'm sure you will be a wonderful grandmother.

Cathy Xxxx

[sandraW]

Congratulations to you all, proud Grandma I'm sure you will give your new grandson all the love he needs sandrax

[Guest]

Lovely news for you and your family. xx

[J_T]

Congratulations!

Julia x

[Slewis7313]

A little bundle of joy just when you needed it most.....Congratulations!

Steve

X

[EmmaR]

Oh just wonderful news just you all take care and stay strong good things will come from that little person

Emma xx

[PCUK Nurse Jeni]

Hi There,

So very sorry to hear about Frank's passing, and apologies for joining the conversation a bit late. Please accept our sympathies and condolences from all at PCUK - our thoughts are with you.

On another note, very many congratulations on the birth of your grandson - what a lovely bundle of joy to have to love so soon after Franks passing. I am sure that you will be a wonderful grandma. Enjoy every minute of being with him.

Kind regards,

Jeni, Support Team.