my story and struggling x

[zozie1]

It feels strange writing this, I joined the forums last year when I felt that I needed support and then seemed to be coping ok so never posted or replied to anything, in fact I very rarely even logged on. This is long I'm afraid but I need to get it down and tell my story.

My Mum was living in Tenerife when on July 19th last year she rang me to tell me she was in hospital with the words she always used 'its nothing to worry about' little did any of us realise at the time how serious it was and how it would end. Within the week Mum was diagnosed with a tumour blocking her pancreatic and bile duct - tests revealed that this was cancerous. She had a stent fitted and left hospital in Santa Cruz to put on weight before chemo could start, at the start of Sept she started a 7 week course of Chemo which she completed over 9weeks due to some complications and minor infections. I always knew the prognosis for her wasn't good (my aunt is a radiographer and went to see her and talked to the doctors) but mum was always saying 'when I'm better'. In fact the two times she let this slip was when I mentioned my 40th later this year and having a party - she said that she didn't think she would be there, and the 2nd time was the night before she died, and she said goodbye (something she never said it was always speak to you soon, love you).

So the time passed with her ups and down and I spoke to her 2 or 3 times a week either my phone or by skype, always being positive and allowing my son and my husband to speak to her aswell as I felt that this was important. Then on the evening of the 15th Dec I spoke to mum for the first time in a week as she had been unwell and not upto it for most the week, we spoke for 15mins and she also spoke to my son and husband, her only complaint was that her bum was uncomfortable as she had no padding so it hurt her to stay in any one position for too long. I cried after the conversation because for the 1st time since her diagnosis she sounded ill and tired. The following morning I got the call that I had been expecting and dreading from my stepdad Mum had died that morning, at home. I spent the next few hours in shock trying to organise a flight out to Tenerife and flew out the next morning. Mums funeral was on the 19th Dec in Tenerife with just a few friends, myself, my stepdad, my aunt and one of my sisters.

I flew back home just before Christmas and then flew back out to Tenerife at the end of Jan. When I was out there I helped my stepdad pack up the apartment (he had decided that he didn't want to stay in Tenerife)and deal with a few things out there before flying back with all that he wanted to bring back and Mums ashes. Since then my stepdad has been living with us and I seemed to be coping with everything and the grief. But in the past week it has started to hit me and I have spent too long being a blubbering wreck - it may have had something to do with mothering sunday and all the stuff in the shops. I am usually the strong one and the one that just deals with stuff, but little things have started to upset me (I have had an abusive message from one of my sisters since Mums death questionning my motives) and my other sister has not spoken to me, the way that my sisters have been wouldn't have usually bothered me as we have not been very close for a long time (in fact until mum was diagnosed I hadn't spoken to them for years), but I also haven't heard much from my biological dad (who I have always been close too) and I can't help but feel that by doing the right thing by my mum and stepdad (Mum always asked me to make sure he was ok) I have lost the rest of my family.......

So why am I struggling it all seems so straight forward and yet I sit here at night crying because I miss my mum and want to talk to her, do I apply for the promotion at work?, to tell her how well my son is doing. My stepdad is still living with us which isn't a problem except that he can't accept why Mum died and I feel that I have to be strong for him. My son is also struggling with my Mums death, and evrything it has involved such as me dropping everything just before Christmas a disappearing to Tenerife for nearly a week. He feels that he shouldn't be upset and cry despite the fact that he has been told its ok and he has seen me cry many times, usually I would ask my mum for advice on how to deal with things like this - but she is no longer here to ask.

I loved my mum and miss her terribly

[DRAD3]

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. To lose your mum is difficult enough - to now being everyone else's rock when you are feeling in need of support yourself and being upset by your sisters - you must be feeling quite overwhelmed with grief. No surprise Mother's Day was difficult - the world keeps turning and it is so unfair. I hope that by telling your story and sharing your thoughts with us, it helped a little? I know some of the forum family who have lost loved ones have accessed bereavement counselling - not sure whether it is something you might think of? It is not something I have tried, but everyone is different and it might help - you seem to be there for others and may need some support for yourself. Your son must be finding it difficult to know how to feel. My daughter has cried very little - I think everyone we know has been surprised and are expecting her to have a meltdown - she won't - she deals with it in her own way - it's right for her and her alone. I do it my own way too and you will. Be kind to yourself won't you - I hope you can get some support but know that this space is always here for you to use, in any case, and we will always listen, understand and support each other.

lots of love

Deb

x

[zozie1]

Thanks Deb

It did help getting it down, although reading back what I wrote - I missed bits out and somehow its doesn't matter as everyone here knows what I mean. Euan (my son) generally seems fine and doesn't cry much about Granny but when he does it really comes out. I know he has found it difficult having my stepdad living with us as normally it is just the 3 of us and my stepdad is very loud.

Because Mum was living in Tenerife when she was diagnosed and upto her death, we seem to have slipped through a support net (including my stepdad) and it can feel very much as though we are on our own. I had thought about bereavement counselling but I'm not sure as I've always just got on with things (it was the way we were brought up).

Love Zoe x

[DRAD3]

Hi Zoe - I think the support net is just lacking with PC, full stop. Linda's posts have said how it was very different when she had breast cancer and when diagnosed with PC, she felt it was a case of "you're on your own" - interesting but also very disappointing. Thank goodness for PCUK and this site.

I am sure you have such a lot of thoughts and feelings to express and no surprise that you felt your first post didn't quite cover it all - I am sure you could write a book - I know I could!! Feel free to outpour whatever and whenever you feel like it - we are always here to listen and share. Perhaps this space is all you need - I know it is enough for me (I am also one who just gets on with it - not good at asking for help - I get more out of helping others - that is a healer in itself).

I hope, as time goes on, you find things a little easier and other problems resolve themselves - no rush - it will happen in its own good time.

Take care, sending love

Deb

x

[zozie1]

I just thought that I would update this post.

In many ways things haven't changed and yet that have.

It was my mums birthday on tuesday (25th) and I was dreading getting upset - we lit a candle in the garden next to a plant that she loved in her own garden and then got me for my own birthday a few years ago (with the words you won't be able to kill this one....), and yes I did shed a few tears but it wasn't the gut wrenching crying that I expected and certainly had earlier on in the year. As a family we also had a memorial service for mum, as many if the family including my 93yr old gran couldn't fly out to Tenerife when she died. It was a lovely day full of memories and family.

My stepdad is still living with us although we have found him a flat 5minutes walk away and although he is worried about being on his own he does recognise that it is time to move out.

And I'd like to say thankyou to Debs and everyone else on her because just knowing you are here and know what I've been and are going through has helped a lot.

[Cathy]

Hi Zoe

I remember reading your post a while back - before I was on the forum, and I remember what a terrible struggle you were having and felt for you.

I am glad that your Mum's Memorial Day, and her birthday, went so well. They are such important and special times. Also glad that things seem to be getting sorted out for your step father as well which will relieve some burden from you.

Take care

Cathy xx

[LindaH]

Hi Zoe,

You will get through this period in your life and you will come out the other side being a stronger person. Just take your time. There is no time limit on grief, but it will get easier as the years pass and the wonderful memories of mum will be just that....wonderful.

I wish you and your family well Zoe, be strong my girl, live life to the full. More and more the tears will turn into smiles, but take your time.

I still miss my mum 20 years down the line, but I laugh at the things she used to do and say, she was such good fun even though at the time when I was a teenager I would cringe at the things she said and did, but now I laugh and laugh.

Linda xx