My Dad My Dad

[kazzie]

Lorraine it is so sad to hear of all this but I suppose deep down we all know that is going to come soon to us all,be strong and brave for these last days,and I do believe there is a better place to go than all of this,my thoughts are with you all and you know we are all here for you too love to you Xxxx KAREN

[kazzie]

hello all,like in my last reply,I feel so much for Lorraine,I feel a bit guilty writing this,but like Denise says we could do with a bit of good news,it is only a bit but that is all we ask for,My dad's scan results today have shown his blood levels to be very good throughout all his chemo ( perhaps the honey is working ! ) They can't really tell on the pancreas as scar tissue apparently looks the same as cancer cells ,but its no bigger.On the liver the larger one is the same but the smaller one has been reduced,so really it is the best news that we can expect,and he only seems to be effected for about 2 days out of each week with chemo so he's carrying on with it,we are all a bit stunned I suppose as you dont like to raise your hopes too high,but for now we're very happy.

Denise and Lorraine you are both in my thoughts

Karen Xxx

[lorraine]

Hi Karen

Please please dont feel guilty, its good news to hear about your dad,and that goes for anyone else on this site.People need to know that its not all doom and gloom and that hope is still out there for some people.My dad has a very aggressive type which not everyone has.

My thoughts and prayers are with everyone on this site, that maybe they all get some good news through this journey that we all never thought we or our loved ones would ever have to take..God bless

Lorraine

[lottied]

Karen, Thank god I am so happy for you and I hope everyhing goes o.k. Please let someone be well. I've spent all day in hospital with my sister. she now has a deep vein thrombosis and is being treated with warfarin. We both kept our fingers crossed hoping she could come home. I promised her she wouldn't stay in hospital. The staff were lovely, I'm sure somebody was looking after us. They said her immune system is so low shes better off at home. Lorraine I'm thinking of you all and my sister asks about your dad, although today she's been to very very ill. She says it makes her feel better in away that someone knows exactly how she feels. My love to you all because non of us knows what tomorrow might bring Good night God bless speak to you soon. Denise xx

[Paul]

Hi Lorraine,

I just thought i would let you know that i know how you feel and what your going through, My mum was dignosed with pancreatic cancer in Dec 07 she had the op in Jan 08 at the xx in xx which went well they started kemo in April for six months 1 week on 3 weeks off at xx on the wirral , In Oct/Nov they said she was clear but she took ill in Dec. After another scan we were told that the cancer has come back. My mum used to be between 10 and 11 stone now she is just over 6 stone. She is 73 years old . Today 9 Jan 09 our family have a meeting with the Doctors. I will be lost without my Mum.

Paul.

[Joyce]

Dera Kazzie

I read your blog and was wondering are you talking about manuka honey?

[kazzie]

hi Joyce the website is Life Mel its quite expensive more so than manuka it was my Dad's McMillan nurse that told him about it ,she had a patient that had been told her white cell levels were so bad she couldnt have any chemo and then she found this and apparantly her levels came back up she has just come back from a walking holiday.But obviously something is different for everyone have a read Xxx Karen

[lorraine]

HI

Never thought i would be doing this yet, not for at least another 20yrs .But my lovely lovely dad passed away this morning,he held on for 4 days and wouldn't give up,but when the time came he was very peacefull.I think in the last few days it was much harder for us to see dad just lying there,he was painfree and out of it so thats the main thing. It only took 8 months from when we found out till today ,i just feel empty inside and iam just walking around not knowing what to do .Always make sure you tell your loved ones how much you love them,and just enjoy time with them.

God bless to my dad and everyone else x x x

Lorraine

[Ellie]

Dear Lorraine

I am so truly sorry to hear the news about your Dad. I have followed your journey on here, reading what your Dad has gone through and it must be devasting for you.

If there is any small consolation for you, it is that your Dad was peaceful at the end.

You have my sincere condolences and I hope what will help you through this is remembering the happy times you had with him.

My thoughts are with you.

Ellie

xx

[kazzie]

To Dear Lorraine,I am so sorry to have read your news,it was lovely to hear he was at peace before he went,and I do hope that was a comfort to you.It will be hard to understand your time now as you have spent so much time with him recently,we do hope you will keep posting on here to help you with your greiving process,all my thoughts with you and your family in these next few days

love Karen Xxx

[lottied]

Dear lorraine. I feel so much for you. I came on site tonight thinking you were all alright. I'm so sorry . Please if you need to talk come back on and let off steam. I know it helps sometimes for me because it's not somebody that knows you, and your just letting go . The pain is horrific having lost some one from cancer before but not as close as my sister. God I can't think what your'e going through. My love is with you. Denise

[lorraine]

Hi

I don't know what to write really i still feel numb,like its a dream.I can't believe iam never going to see him again

We have to wait till 30th jan for the funeral. Ive been helping to sort things out with my lovely husband and stepmum, we are all trying to support each other.One minute iam ok then the next i can say one word and i start getting upset again.Maybe i'll feel like this untill the funeral i don't know.

What i do know is that this is a horrible cancer to have,in the end it just took over my dad,it was too powerful for him.He put up a fight by having the op/chemo but the cancer was to strong and won the fight.

More needs to be done to find out/test for p/c.

Thinking of everyone going through this.

Lorraine

[kazzie]

To Dear Lorraine,I can't believe that you have to wait so long for your funeral,how are you doing?

I can't even to start to understand what you are feeling,and going through ,and I feel so helpless that there is nothing we can do

All I can say is, as you know we are here for you

all my thoughts

Karen Xxx

[lottied]

Hi Lorraine. I really feel what your'e going through. My gorgeous sister Wendy has been fighting for seven days now but I expect it to be at any time. I love her so much and sitting with her at the hospice and watching her fade away day by day is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Four times they have told us that it is time and she has fought back, not a good thing to be strong in this situation. You want them to stay but wish for them that they will let go. I read your postings and followed your dad through his fight and knew we were a month behind you. Wendy had a fall at home just over a week ago and everything went downhill from there. I'm spending as much time with my baby sister as possible. Thinking of you all out there who are dealing with this wicked disease. I'm going to ask the doctor if I can have a test to see if my pancreatic juices are pre cancerous. I don't know if this available on the NHS but I read about it in the Daily Mirror and it seems I am very high risk. Tonight I am feeling horrendous and missing her already. I dont' know how I'll manage without her. We havent had an argument since I was 16 and she knicked my clothes when I first started work! Any way I bet your sick of me ranting on. Hope you are all ok and thinking of everyone in this terrrible situation. Lots of love to you all Denise and Wendy xx

[lottied]

We've come to the end of the line. My gorgeous sister passed away at 4.10pm. I was there along with mum and two other brothers. It was very peaceful for her but oh so,so sad for us. I can't believe it's real and I still think it's a dream. Love to everyone our thoughts are with you all. Denise and Wendy x

[lorraine]

Hi Denise

Iam so so sorry to hear about Wendy.

This is such a wicked thing, and we have both lost wonderfull people to this.It seems to grab hold and not let go.

Iam glad that you and the rest of your family were able to be with her,and like my dad she was very peaceful at the end.Dads biggest fear was what was going to happen to him,but to be honest he was well looked after.The nurses kepted him painfree,changed or washed him twice aday even if he didn't need it.And i think in the last 4 /5 days when he was always asleep they looked after us just as much.Its just SO upsetting to watch a loved one go through this and i was not prepared for how much weight dad had lost,i found that most upsetting .

Dads funeral is friday

I know how your feeling, and i still feel in shock and can not believe what has happened.Then i feel bad because iam carrying on and everyone else is carrying on,and we have just lost someone who means the world to us.I mean one minute they are so much in your life then the next minute gone. what do we do next.?

I do know that dad and wendy are close by and will never leave us, are hearts will carry them forever.

They are both at peace now and p/c can not harm them anymore,they are free and looking down on us with a smile.

We are the ones in pain now as we'vd loved them so much and now they are gone.

Thinking of you at this sad time Denise and if you need to talk i am here.

May god watch over our loved ones and keep them safe.

Lorraine x x

[lottied]

Hi Lorraine Thanks for getting back to me. Yes this is the most terrible time for us both to go through. You said your dads funeral is on Friday the strangest thing is Wendys funeral was on Friday at 11.00am. We have gone through this at the same stages although your dad had the chemo and managed to last a month longer than Wendy. All I know is they didn't deserve to suffer this way and you are right they are both at peace thank god. I hope we haven't frightened anyone reading this. Please be strong and always think positive it's the only thing that keeps you going perhaps we are the unlucky ones and soon there will be a more early detection, diagnosis and even a cure. To me this still hasn't happened and tomorrow I will see her beautiful blue eyes and happy smile I miss her so much. We still have her two gorgeous daughters her gift from her to us. Take care everyone and god bless Lorraine I know exactly what you are going through. Love Denise

[kazzie]

To Dear Lorraine and Denise,

I haven't been posting on here much recently ,as I have done something to my right arm which is making it hard to sit and type,but I have been reading your posts,and thought I really must come on now,I do hope your funerals went as well as they can do,and on that day both of you and your families were really in my thoughts .

You both have been through so much,and I thankyou for still coming on here ,it means alot to me I feel like I know you so well,as what we all are going/gone through is all the same.

My Dad at the moment seems to just be plodding on,he does seem a bit down.He has just had 2 presentations from different people and companies that he worked with and he has been very overwhelmed at what he has been given " for just doing his job" as he sees it.He is still having chemo its his week off and he sees his oncologist this week,so we'll see what he has to say.

We have booked a photographer for the last weekend in feb so I hope he will be ok,he is still looking good and this will be a big family photo with us,my mum and dad and brother and his family so fingers crossed,because it is something we all want very badly.

Ellie your husband seems to be doing well I am so happy for you and him,and hope your time away is good

Keep in touch everyone please

thoughts and best wishes for you all

Karen Xxx

[lottied]

Hi I'm sorry it's taken awhile for me to get back to you but we have been going through the most terrible time. I'm very, very grateful for your support. I hope you have had good news about your dad and that everything is o.k. It does seem strange that we are all going through this and yet have never met but we know so much about each other and how we are all feeling. I send my best wishes and hope that everyone is doing o.k at the moment. Thinking of you all. Denise.

[kazzie]

hello,sorry it's been a time since I've been on here,but it's because we've been quite busy,to catch up,about a month ago Dad had afew bad days and he also had an appointment with his oncologist ,and saw that he was quite down as well,so he had said that his blood levels have been so good since he started chemo and his scan was as good as it could be so he was to be allowed a month off chemo,so while he is feeling well we have been making the most of it,he's been picking my daughter up from school even taking me out to the shops,he really has perked up ,its been so good to see him at his old self,it seems to age him having chemo.

He has also been nominated for an award through his job ,so he feels really chauffed about that,

I do hope everyone else is doing ok this site does seem to have been quiet recently ,you all are regularly in my thoughts

[Ellie]

Hi Kazzie

I was pleased to see your post. You are right - it had gone very quiet on the site, which is a shame. We could all compare notes and help each other. I stopped posting because no one seemed to write anything anymore.

Glad to hear that your Dad has perked up a bit since his chemo was stopped. Just doing a few "normal" things, like picking the kids up from school, will probably give him a boost and make him feel stronger mentally. It's so hard as a carer to watch someone go downhill, or suffer with the symptoms and not be able to do much to help. Hope he gets on ok with the rest of his chemo.

My husband is having more symptoms with his chemo now and some days it gets him down. He started getting a lot of bad headaches and back pain, which wakes him up around 5am every morning, and start again around 5pm. The hospital have done an x-ray, which was ok, but they've also booked him in for a scan in early March. If he had back pain all day long, I'd be more worried, but it seems to come and go every 12 hours, so hopefully it's just the chemo. He's got about another 6 or 7 sessions to go, so I hope he can stay strong until it's all over.

Like you, I'm wondering how everyone else is getting on. A lot of new people joined the site, but we haven't heard anything from them since. Hope things are going ok for them.

Best wishes to everyone

Ellie

xx

[chinup]

hello everyone, like a few others I'd noticed it has gone quiet here. So sorry to the ones who have recently lost their relatives. But pleased that there are one or two making good progress.

It's not good news here I am afraid, my mum, after finishing her chemo and having a scan which was basically good news (the tumour had stayed the same and no spread), started to feel a bit tired and unwell. She had bad abdominal pains which never really cleared and got worse if anything, though the pains did seem to come and go and we thought it was just the effects of the chemo. She then had a blood test which showed the tumour markers had gone up. Over the next couple of weeks she really swelled up and was in terrible pain, backache as well as abdominal, eventually she was admitted to hospital and last week had emergency surgery for a blocked bowel. The doctors were very reluctant to operate, saying it was unethical as she was so ill but in the end they had to as her bowel was about to perforate and they said she wouldn't last the night. She is now very poorly indeed, and has received the additional news that the cancer has spread all throughout her pelvic area and is 'very advanced'. I am in no doubt that she will not last much longer and it is just heartbreaking - since getting a good result in December with her scan, now, two months later she is now full of cancer. I do wonder if they weren't telling us everything before Christmas, it seems hard to believe that cancer can advance so quickly. Surely something would have shown up on December's scan?

Anyway, sorry to get you all down, but this cancer seems to be very cruel. Hope that there is some better news from someone soon.

[Ellie]

Hi Chinup

I am so very sorry to hear the news of your mum. After the tests and scan getting your hopes up, for this to happen must be so heartbreaking for you. I know what it is like for someone to have a blocked bowel - it happened to my husband and he had 3ft of his bowel removed in an emergency operation last year. Out of everything that has happened, that pain seemed to be worse than anything else for him.

What an awful situation for you to be in now. I know my husband seems to be doing well, but sometimes, in the middle of the night, I wonder for how long? I am worried about his back pain and cannot bear the thought of it being something more serious, so you have my utmost sympathy. You are so right, it is such a cruel disease.

All I can say is that I hope your Mum has the very best care, to make her comfortable and pain free. Hope you find the strength to cope with everything, chinup.

Love

Ellie

xx

[lorraine]

Hi Ellie & Chinup

Iam so very sorry to her about your mum,i was reading your post and its so cruel is'nt it.

This type of cancer does seem to move very fast once it's got hold,my dad only has 8 month from finding out till the end.

He's been gone 6 weeks now and i miss him so so much.

I miss his smile,his voice and the way he always made me a really strong cup of tea even though i liked it weak!!.

I have been looking at this site everyday,and i wonted to write but just couldn't, the page always seemed blank.

I think its just kicked in now that dads really gone,and i can cry at the drop of a hat.

Stay strong if you can as it will become very hard, and say everything you ever wonted to say to your mum ,even write it down so you know what you've said. I knew dad was leaving us and i said things i wonted to say,but then after he had gone i started to say `if only i had said that`.But then i suppose you can always say that.

Iam going now as iam finding this very hard to write at the moment,but i will keep posting to see how things are going.

Denise i hope your ok and iam sure you feel the same as me at the moment,iam thinking of you x

Lorraine x

[chinup]

Ellie,

thanks for your kind words, it is indeed heartbreaking. We are watching her fade away, while my dad remains so positive and hopeful that she can get over this latest crisis and that they can get back home and to some sort of normality. It just seems unreal that two months ago she was told that the scans were the same as a year ago, and then all of a sudden she is full of cancer. I have heard of people with pancreatic cancer having more problems with the bowels and digestion than anything else, it must be to do with pancreatic enzymes going wrong. I'm sorry that you are so worried about your husband too, I understand how you feel, I lost my first husband to cancer years ago when I was in my early thirties and it was agony watching him suffer with severe back ache. We never really knew what it was that was causing the pain.

Lorraine,

I really appreciate you talking the time to reply when things must still be very raw for you. I can see how terribly you miss your dear Dad. Pancreatic cancer does seem to be particularly cruel, I can hardly believe what it is doing to my lovely sweet little mum. Four years ago we were all on holiday in Florida and we have a picture of her on the beach in a bikini on her 64th birthday and she looked fantastic, so toned and beautiful. I hope that you can take comfort from all the lovely memories of your dad and that the horror of the last few months will start to fade.

Anyway, thinking of you both and everyone else here.