My Dad My Dad

[lorraine]

Hi

Went to hospital to get the results of dads scan/chemo which he has had for the last 3 months,not good.

The chemo has not worked,and the cancer has grown bigger in the liver.

Dads lost nearly 4 stone now and is getting very weak and sleeps alot.Hes still eating but not much.

Care will be at home,and its just keeping him pain free.Waiting for a macmillain nurse to get in touch now,i think we all knew that it was going to be bad news by the way dad has gone downhill in the past 3 weeks.This cancer has spread so fast its not given dad a chance to fight it.I found out yesturday that dad was told he only stood a 15% chance that the chemo would have worked anyway(that was hard to take in)but dad knew that.Dad has just been one of the very unluckly ones that it just grabs hold of and he's never really stood a strong chance in beating it.

This will be dads last christmas and he may know only have 1/2 months left so iam spending as much time as poss with him,hes changed so much i just dont wont him to suffer.I love him so so much the pain is so hard to deal with at times.

Lorraine

[Ellie]

Dear Lorraine

So very sorry to hear the latest on your Dad. What an awful thing to have to deal with, knowing the treatment hasn't worked. It's hard enough to bear at any time of the year, but must be even worse around Christmas time. PC seems to take over so quickly, unless you are one of the lucky ones who are diagnosed early. It must be heartbreaking for you to see your Dad that way.

I hope the Macmillan nurse will make your Dad as comfortable as possible and that you can try to make the most of your time with him. You have my thoughts and sympathy and sincere wishes that he gets good care and is as peaceful and pain free as possible.

Love

Ellie

xx

[lorraine]

Hi

Thank-you Ellie for your kind words,it means alot.

Lorraine

[kazzie]

Dear Lorraine,I am so sorry the scan wasn't good news,I really don't know what to say .I just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts and make the most of every minute you can.Love to all your family xxx Karen

[lorraine]

Hi Karen

I know its hard to know what to say.

Yesturday dads work (WAITROSE) paid for a private ambulance to take us all back to the isle of wight to see dads family.

It was a very good day but also very sad as without saying it we all new that would be the last time.

Its just not far.Why him.Thats what always goes around in my head.But ive seemed to have some strength inside me to say p/c your not going to crack me up and fill me with sadness, i look at dad when he sleeps now and think what a great man he is and how peaceful he looks when hes sleeping,then he wakes up gives me a smile and says alright love .

Lorraine

[kazzie]

Hello Lorraine,I'm glad you day went well,a change is as good as a rest or so they say but I think its what you all needed,I take great strength from what you write,and from you.We have Dad's scan on the 30th dec to see how things are going,and he's been taking his honey too so he's quite happy,almost in his own little world as mum is forever saying I might as well not be here as he never talks,so I think she is struggling at the moment.He retires today so we'll see how things go from here.Take care

Karen xx

[lorraine]

Hi Karen

We all have strength within us we just need to find it and keep it with us through hard times,i think since we knew that dads treatment was to stop, then it was like ok lets get on with this and make the most of every minute.It will get harder for us i know that and i still cry everyday but this site helps alot.

I do really really hope your dads scan results come back with good news,and iam glad you found the honey and hes enjoying it.

My dad is not a talker and just stares into space thinking to himself.He always tells you what you wont to hear, so he doesnt upset us which is hard because its storing up inside him .Thats why iam glad the macmillain nurse spoke to him today,she said he got alot off his chest and hes afraid of upsetting us.

She comming back next tuesday to check on dad as hes started to see things that are not there,he knows he doing it but carnt help it he says.

Is your dad talking to anyone as it may help.Sometimes we wont to say things but are afraid to incase we say the wrong things.

Dad as very stressed and didnt say much for aweek before the results,he also kepted wakeing up at night .It does feel like treading on egg shells but sometimes we need to tred hard othertimes soft its finding that balance which is never easy.

My Stepmother finds it hard as she has to be firm with him sometimes to eat his food ect and then she feels as if shes nagging him (he sometimes pulls a face behind her back).But shes doing a great great job.Tell your mum to hang in there its tuff but she and you can do it.

Thinking of you all

Lorraine x

[lorraine]

Hi Again

Just found out that dads calcium levels are to high which is making him very sleepy and unsteady on his feet.May go into hospital tonight and be put on a drip,they can sort it out so maybe then he wont sleep so much.FINGERS CROSSED

Its all because the liver is not working well.

Lorraine

[lottied]

Hi Lorraine, god I feel so much for you. When I came on this site my sister was one month behind your dads diagnosis. Your posting made me feel so much better . I didn't feel on my own. I thought that your dad had a day out was brilliant and I hope you enjoyed it so much. My sister is now very ill and taking more morphine every day to cope with the pain. Christmas day she wants at her house, we'll do everything and ship it on over, she wants the best ever she says, I'lll do the best I can. I go every morning and work has put me on to flexible shifts and am doing lates because I need to look after my niece who is 21 this weekend and is cerebal palsy.I really, really hope you are ok. I think about you so much and think we are about at the same place now.I'm not over religious but my prayers are with you thinking of you and thank you for letting me spill my feelings out. Denise.

[lorraine]

Hi Denise

I have just got back from spending evening with dad,hes still in hospital may come out tomorrow.Its so very hard i found out today dad is only 8 stone, hes lost 5 1/2.

I wish my dad was in the same frame of mind as your sister about xmas,he tries to smile but its not there really.His eyes look different too,dont shine like they used to, they look very sad.Has your sister got to have anymore treatment.Now shes on morphine does your sister see things that are not there,my dad does and i wondered if it was that.Also dad forgets sometimes what he's had for lunch or whos' been round.

Its so hard for us all to deal with, people keep saying happy christmas i know they mean well but its not a happy christmas for us watching loved ones in pain ect..

I know my dad will never see another christmas so iam taking strenght from you and will follow in your footsteps to make sure i/we give our loved ones the best christmas ever.P/c will not beat us on christmas day!!!

Stay strong denise thinking of you and your sister and iam alway here to talk.

Lorraine

[lottied]

Thanks for replying Lorraine. I hope you are o.k this christmas morning. I know what you mean about it not being a merry one. I'm fine until some one is kind to me and then I just burst into tears! Better out than in they say. Yes my sister has started saying funny things now with the morphine. She says she can't help it and just says I'm doing it again aren't I ? She also forgets things and I'm going to have to keep an eye on her meds and when she needs her morphine patch changing because she thinks she's done it and she's not. Preparing stuff now to go over this afternoon. I do wish everyone the merriest Christmas it is possible for them to have and my thoughts are with you all Love Denise

[lorraine]

Hi Denise

How are you and how is your sister.

I do hope the last week has been ok for you all.Iam afraid my dad has gone down hill alot more, and the nurse has said that it may only be a matter of weeks now.Hes in bed most of the time and for the first time yesturday he spoke to me about me being there at the end,dad is now refusing to see other people, i think hes just so worn out plus he looks so different now so i can understand that.Hes on more morphine and ive found out that the liver and grown very big within he tummy due to the tummors.It seems anything he eats or drinks now is just feeding the tummor and robbing dad of what he needs.My stepmother is now doing more for him ,shaving,feeding,i go over twice aday if poss to help out but soon i will stay over.

Dad says just the same things as your sisters say's,its hard to say but i dont wont dad to go on much longer, its so hard to see and he would have never wonted this.He was such a strong person,but it feels as if i lost that person 6 weeks ago.

Its funny this may sound mad, but the other day i turned to look at something and for a split second i thought i saw a man dressed in black just standing on the drive way i had to take another look and of course no one was there,but this has happened twice now,i know its my mind playing tricks and that so much is going on at the moment and iam not into that sort of thing anyway but it did make me look twice.

Anyway enough about, how is your sister to date and how are you copeing do you have support from anyone.

Speak soon

Always thinking of you take care

Lorraine

[lorraine]

Why me, ive just found out that my grandad passed away today.He's been battling cancer for 11 years,but it came back and when i saw him with my dad the other week he has just had an op on his face.My dad and him just held hands looked at each other and said all the best mate. Some happy new year .

Lorraine

[kazzie]

Oh Lorraine,it really doesn't rain but pour,.You have every right to sit and say " why me " I don't think I could even imagine how you feel I can't put it into words .We had a shock this cristmas,my best friend from being little,had made arrangements to visit us in the new year to be able to see my Dad,because of his pc .When on xmas eve her mum had a massive stroke and died on boxing day only she was a sprightly ,motorbike riding 64yr old.What a shock ,as the saying goes you just don't know what is round the next corner.My thoughts are with you as you know .Take care love Karen X xx

[lottied]

Lorraine I'm so sorry to hear about your grandad as if you've not enough to cope with. How is your dad coping with the news he must be devastated. Words can't express the sympathy I feel for you. My sister is much the same and we got through Christmas she wasn't very well come the afternoon. I think it was to much for her. She gave us all memory boxes she had made for us with little cards she had written and a locket with our picture in. I'll treasure it for ever. When she says weird things we now call it confused.com The macmillan nurse comes to her but she really doesnt speak to us or asks us how we are going on.

I found it really strange how you said about the man in black because two weeks ago I had the same experience but he was stood in my kitchen, a man in dark clothes, at first I thought somebody had broken in, my heart stopped. yet when I looked again he had gone. My sister is getting upset because her tummy is very swollen but everywhere else she is so thin yet she is eating well. Thinking of you at this terrible time I send my love to you and all your family. Denise

[lorraine]

Hi Denise

Dads gone back into hospital today as we think his calcium levels are going back up.

Its a cancer hospital so they can monitor pain ect...He may be in for 7/10 days

Its funny denise but everything you say about your sister, how she is what shes say`s its like a mirror image of that my dad is going through.

I just feel drained .MY husband has been great with the kids over xmas,i feel torn between dad and them,but my husband has been a star.We have only seen a macmillan once.

What great present your sister gave you,something you can treasure forever,lets lift our glasses tonight for them,the great people that they are and always will be.

Lorraine

[lorraine]

Hi Karen

What a shock for your friend,what can i say my heart goes out to her.Like you say you just never know whats round the corner.This has made me think more about my loved ones and spending time with them or just talking on the phone.

How is your dad getting on now.

Lorraine

[kazzie]

Lorraine,hi,I too have thought hard about friends and family it seems to put a different prosective on things,I'm afraid I'm an organizer and need to plan things in advance and know what I am am doing and when,my Dad also is very much like this (a worse case than me) and so now is so different taking each day as it comes ,it is taking a bit of getting used too for me and him.But we'll get there!How sad your Dad has had to go back into hospital you must feel like you are being pulled from pillar to post at the moment and not know which way to turn for the best.Your strength will come from somewhere you won't know where but it will.A We have actually had quite a good christmas,the timing of his chemo had alot to do with that though,he was due to have his last dose on boxing day but that was moved to 29th and usually just before he has it he is feeling quite good so he was encouraged to join in with the kids Wii games which we were pleased with,and he also put on 3lb over the christmas period too which again has pleased everybody,he isn't feeling very good today and so they are staying in tonight but he is off to London tomorrow to visit family for 2 days and my husband is taking them so thats a 5 hr drive there and they will be back on friday.He had his scan yesterday and gets his results next thursday so big fingers crossed,positive thinking and lots of prayers at the moment,and hopefully some good news.A new year about to approach and I do hope you will get something out of it,thoughts with you,take care love Karen Xxx

[lorraine]

Hello guys

not good news, dads got worse in last 2 days ,he has now been moved to a room on his own.

Yesturday he started getting hicups and he is sweating alot but no temp.We wrer told this is all to do with the cancer,Big change today he slept most of it and hardly said a word to us and if he did we either could not hear him or it was something that did not make sense.He is not really eatin/drinking anything either.

I was going to stay with him last night because he went down hill so fast,but nurses said he should be ok and they would ring if any small change was to

happen.We are now at his bedside most of the day and have phones on standby when at home just in case .

Each day now we are seeing 2/3 things that change either with dad or things the nurses are doing to/for him .

This is the hardest thing for anyone to go through, lovely dad is slipping away from me day by day and i can't do a thing about it .

Lorraine

[Ellie]

Dear Lorraine

So sorry to read your latest post. It must be heartbreaking for you to see your Dad that way. Hope the nurses will keep him comfortable and peaceful.

Just to say I am thinking about you.

Love

Ellie

xx

[kazzie]

To Dear Lorraine,I too am sorry to read how your Dad is and wish all the strength and best to you and all your family,you are allin my thoughts

love karen Xxx

[chinup]

Thinking of you too, Lorraine, this is such a very hard time for you now. You just be peaceful with your dad. xxx

[lorraine]

Thank you all for your kind words.Spent all day with day today he is now not eating or drinking and the nurses have now put him on a sringe driver so the pain releive is constant.He managed a very slight smile and i told him i loved him,hes not really talking anymore.

I dont know what else to say so iam leaving now

Lorraine

[lottied]

Hi Lorraine I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. This time is precious for you all, I'm sure he'll be as comfortable and peaceful as possible. Thinking of you all and know I have this to come. Karen if you read this I hope everything goes o.k today for your dads test results. There has to be some good news out there!

[lorraine]

Hi

Dad is still with us hes a fighter,but he does not responed anymore .

The nurses say he can still hear us so we keep talking to him,big changes each day now and hes lost so much weight.

He may not last the weekend,i just wont him to be at peace now and go to a better place.From now on i will stay with him to comfort him.

Seeing dad now its hard to remember what he used to look like,but then we look at photos and it all comes back.

Nurses have been so good and are treating dad with great respect i take my hat off to them.

Lorraine