Living day by day

[DRAD3]

Hi Sue - lovely to hear from you and agree with Jools that funerals definitely should be about celebrating life and the person. Gary's funeral was a lovely day where friends and family I hadn't seen for years came and talked about old times and how generally wonderful he was! (I was so, so proud to be his wife that day). Like Pete, he would have been very embarrassed, but secretly pleased, and I did feel he was by my side all day and sharing it all with me. I hope you have a good day, surreal as that seems, but if you plan it well and do all that you and Pete had wished, it all helps afterwards (no regrets and all that). Take care.

lots of love

Deb

x

[susikus]

It seems hard to believe Pete has been gone over a week. Tonight will be my first night alone in the house - with my lovely dogs for company - and I'm quite looking forward to it. Funeral plans are all coming along nicely - Pete would have been amazed at how many people are coming - it will be standing room only in the church. I have written my eulogy and am determined to be able to do it, but have written it all out just in case someone else needs to take over. Similarly my girls are going to sing ("For Good" from the musical Wicked) and we are going on Monday to a friend's recording studio to record them just in case they are not able to perform on the day.

I have told work I am coming back the monday after the funeral - they are giving me an admin week and then I will start seeing patients the following week, but in reduced clinics. I am so very lucky with my work - not many employers would give you unlimited compassionate leave and I've been off for three months.

Love to you all on this rollercoaster ride - and don't forget to contact your MP - I was a little harsh with mine - told him I needed his help because I had a funeral to organise! Got his attention though.

Sue, xxx

[DRAD3]

Hi Sue - as always, you are doing amazingly well. There is lots to do isn't there? Being busy is a good thing I think. I do hope that you find the strength to speak at Pete's funeral. I did. It was, quite frankly, one of the hardest things I have done but no-one else could have said what needed to be said and I wanted to make sure everyone knew how wonderful and courageous and good Gary was. It was very therapeutic writing the eulogy - I cried many tears during that time but that was good and I did manage to hold it together on the day (just). My trick was not to look up, just concentrate on what I had written. If I had caught anyone's eyes, I would have crumpled. I did feel like I was going to faint but just kept breathing deeply and held on to the pulpit. Take a little water with you too as I found my mouth suddenly became the driest I had ever experienced it! I am sure you will be absolutely fine as you are a strong person, we know that. Hope your girls also manage to sing and the CD idea is great - something to keep forever.

Keep going, Sue. You are an inspiration.

love

Deb

x

[Jool2504]

Hi Sue,

Pete would be so proud of you and the children, your all doing so well.

Stay Brave.

J&B

[Lulu]

Sue,

Jools has said it all, Pete would be so proud of you and the children. I am proud of you myself, you have an inner strength and it will get you through. Stay strong and know your cyber family here will all be with you xx

[susikus]

Ooh I've done a lot of cleaning this weekend - and goodness me the house needed it - but finally the tears have caught up with me - it was reading the birthday card Pete gave to me a little over a month ago that did it - and that induced a need to stop cleaning and come and talk to all of you. My birthday card from Pete is the only one my daughter left up after the sympathy cards started arriving - we have dozens of those now - and it just caught me. I will cope - I have to - but I miss Pete so very, very much.

[DRAD3]

Oh Sue - wish I had seen this yesterday but came on and off earlier in the day. I find the weekends the very worst for exactly the same reason - cleaning and tidying, I still come across things, reminders and I have my ipod in my ears and songs do the same - too much time to think after being at work and busy all week. You will have a massive hole in your life and in your heart that cannot be filled with anything else but sadness for a little while and it is important that you do stop and have a good cry and share it with people who understand. It must be so very raw at the moment and almost unreal. I am sure you are getting lots of love and support from family and friends and that will be so important but there will be times when you feel quite alone with it all but know that you're not and we are thinking of you and wishing you every strength to keep going, just as you always have. Treat yourself to lots of rest this week, buy yourself some goodies, have a facial, whatever but be kind to yourself because you know Pete would be wanting you to.

lots of love to you Sue

Deb

x

[yorkypaul]

Dear Sue, you are in my thoughts so many times a day. I have experienced loss several times in my life and have always found it so hard to cope with. I heard bits of the Jeremy Vine show today when they were discussing the loss of a spouse and how different people cope. I think I will go online and try to listen to the whole thing, as I only caught bits of it. I know that in the not too distant future, I will have to face the same loss.

The birthday card that was the trigger for your emotion was just the first of many that you will experience on this long and sometimes lonely road. Crying is no bad thing. It does feel as if it lets something out. Sometimes people talk about "moving on" or "getting over it". What total nonesense! In my opinion, we never get over a loss like this. All that happens is, with the slow passage of time, we accept what has happened and learn to live with it. We still have awful feelings of loss and sadness, but they slowly but surely become easier to handle. We start to reflect on the happy memories, but still,cry sometimes.

It doesn't even really help being told this at this stage. It will wash over you. I have a dear friend who is a consultant psychiatrist. In one of my times of terrible loss, he told me: "I can't give you a magic pill, or flick a switch to stop this pain, Paul. However, what I can do is PROMISE you that, given time, the pain will become less intense and you will learn to live with your loss. Nobody is saying that you will ever "get over it" or "move on". You will just get used to coping, without so much pain and anguish. Time. That's all. Just time. In the meantime, if you need help, see your GP. There is nothing wrong with that. It is a difficult journey without help."

Best advice I was ever given.

Sue. Continue to walk the path. Pete will always be beside you. I'm sure he knew he was a lucky man to have you in his life. Take care of yourself. Eat and sleep properly and, eventually, make yourself do something new. Something completely different. Eventually, not now.

Sorry to waffle. Thinking of you at this so painful time (though I am sure there is a feeling of relief for Pete too). Don't be afraid to address how YOU are feeling as well. It's fine to feel how you do. It's normal. Use your support network and talk. That includes your forum friends too.

Big hugs Sue

Paul xx

[susikus]

You are such lovely people, thank you all. As you can imagine it has been a busy time and I've been reading your messages but not finding time to post. It's quietened down now. The funeral was on Friday...

What a day! It was, even though I say so myself, a wonderful send-off for Pete. Over 200 people came, the church was standing room only. We had performances from the choir, the amdram group and the folk club, all of which Pete was a member of. I did a tribute and so did Pete's best friend, but the best bit of all was my girls singing "For Good" (from the musical Wicked). They sounded wonderful and as they sang a shaft of light came through the stained glass windows and lit up the coffin. A magical moment.

Pete has been laid to rest under the trees in good company in our local cemetery. We went back yesterday to see how he was and had a good look around - he is near to so many of my patients.

Everyone has finally gone home now and it's quiet and peaceful here. The dogs have had a loooong walk and are pooped. There is lots to do but all of it will wait...

with love and best wishes to you all - please do let me know how you are

Sue

xxx

[DRAD3]

Hi Sue

Pete's funeral sounds a perfect and fitting tribute - well done to you - I know how hard it is to organise and it fills your thoughts every waking hour in the lead up. Looking back and knowing that it was all you wanted it to be will be a great comfort to you. A tear came to my eye when you mentioned about the shaft of light - how wonderful. I hope all goes well at work tomorrow and that you remember to take it very slowly and stick to the admin and reduced workload plan. I am sure they will take care of you.

Do let us know how you are going.

lots of love

Deb

x

[susikus]

Well, I have survived my first week back at work - with a much, much reduced workload - and a very foggy brain. It has felt good to be back but it is very clear that I cannot just pick up where I left off. My GP bosses have welcomed me back with open arms but also have decided to keep on the nurse who was replacing me until at least the end of the year, for which I am very glad as there is no pressure on me at all to perform. And we are having a whole new computer system installed - which my brain cannot get hold of at all!

My patients have been so lovely - lots of cards and flowers and hugs and wonderful messages - but it does mean that everything I do takes more than twice as long. Baby steps - bit by bit I am getting there.

Love to you all

Sue

xxx