Feeling so sad.

[Daddysgirl71]

Hi all,

I've posted before about my Dad's terrible fight with PC. We sadly lost him on 9th May just weeks after his 65th birthday.

I'm writing this as I thought I was coping, believing he's away to a better place, free of pain .. I'd even go as far as saying I went into denial, pretending he was still here just on holiday! It helped me but now it's hitting me like a brick! I watched home videos tonight of him last year fit , healthy , smiling and cracking jokes like he always did and now he's gone! I miss him , I'm sad, angry and lost! I can't believe I'll never see him or speak to him or hear him call me his baby girl (I'm 41) ever again!

I plod on looking after my family and visiting my step mum who is also so sad without her soul mate.

Please tell me it gets easier! I can't get the image of him at the end of his life out my mind.. His last hours were not peaceful , he was agitated, trying to get up and looking at me with pleading eyes. I wanted so much for him to just fall asleep and slip away. It was awful and it haunts me.

Sorry for this, i just need somewhere to vent! I'm so sad

Suz x

[PCUK Nurse Jeni]

Hi Suz,

I am so sorry to hear you are feeling so upset and sad after losing your dad. It is very likely that you are processing the grief, and going through some of the natural stages of grief. It will get easier, but sometimes it is better to get a little help along the way to help to manage the grief.

You may benefit from some form of bereavement counselling, which you could discuss with your GP? It is good to let the feelings and emotions spill out. These professionals are trained to help you to know what to do with them, and how to move on, even if it is slowly (which is fine also).

Do email me at support@pancreaticcancer.org.uk should you need further help.

Kind regards,

Jeni.

[NICOLA]

Hi Suz, I lost my mam coming upto 3 weeks ago, I feel like i'm coping really well but I'm thinking its going to hit me like a brick soon, we were so close.

My mam to didnt have a peacful end she was calling out my name begging for help, this will stay with me for the rest of my life.

Im desperatly looking for signs that she is around me but its early days yet.

Im sure that she's in a better place, I feel so releived that she is in no more pain it was awful the way she suffered at the end.

Stay strong you will have good days and bad xxx

[louiepc]

Hi Suz

Was wondering how you were. I think what you are going through is part and parcel of grief. I went through the same, thinking mum was on some long holiday, and in the end I went into melt down, wanting to see her.

I started bereavement counselling, and for me, it has worked. It's helped me realise why I am doing the things I was doing, how to process my anger, frustration, guilt, all of the emotions that come with grief.

I am now at a stage, that most of the time I can think about mum and not angry or cry, but smile and think of something special that she did.

Today is really hard for me, it's my wedding anniversary, and mum was such an important part of my wedding, it has also made me realise how much my husband has helped me. He has been my lifeline these last few months, he has been the light that has started making the dark ebb away. I am so thankful to have him, I think without him it would have been a terribly lonely time.

Take care, louie xxx

[DRAD3]

Hi Suz

So sorry to hear how sad you are. My husband died on 19th April. I read your post and thought I could have written it myself. Perhaps there is something in this "grieving process" as I feel we may be at the same stage. That gives me hope that things will get easier and I try to hang on to that! I have been in a strange state of knowing quite clearly what the reality is, but pretending that my husband is on holiday, or on a course. As time has gone on, I can't kid myself though and that is probably why it is getting harder, rather than easier. I go about my business every day, going to work, seeing family and friends, looking after my daughter and to everyone else I look fine - I get comments about how wonderful I am coping but I feel such a fraud because it is all just one big act. Everything I do, every moment of every day I am thinking about what happened - thinking this time last year, Gary had just finished radiotherapy and we had a lovely weekend in Cornwall, there is always something to remind me, songs, TV programmes, silly things but I don't say anything to anyone because I would get on people's nerves. I feel quite lost, not sure who I am any more - I feel not only that I need to re-build my life without my husband, but re-build myself and don't know how I can with such a big piece missing. I am so thankful for my daughter as I know I would sink very very fast if I had only myself to think about. I struggle with guilt (about everything) on a daily basis and am so angry most of the time (although I never show it) and so very very sad all the time. Jeni is right - bereavement counselling is probably going to help but I am not good at asking for help or letting my thoughts escape from my head. Thank heaven for this site as writing things down is wonderful therapy and knowing that everyone on here understands and cares. I hope you have a better day tomorrow, Suz, and have more and more. Know that you are not alone and you are sent much love and strength from your virtual family.

Take care

love

Deb

x

[laura]

hello suz, sorry to hear of your loss, grief, as with the illness, is all very individual and takes differant pathways to recovery, louie, nichola, and deb, am sorry that all your suffering is making life so difficult at the present, i truly believe the first year is the most difficult, because of all the differant family anniversaries, i really hope you all gain peace along the way, none of your loved ones would want your life to be so hard.

i can so well understand about putting on a face for the outside world, perhaps we should "let them in" and talk to them about how we feel, cos probably they too are grieving in a much lesser way.?

also i can relate to finding it hard to ask for help, or say im not coping, perhaps you find it odd to think that in my situation i am experiencing these difficulties!!!! believe me i do/am, i have just now, been assesed for some counselling, and i will give it a good go, i to feel angry, stressed, tired, out of control and i know that i have to get back on track for everyones sake.

anyway enough of my moans [ sorry ] but i do understand and i truly send my love and lots of strength to you all, c'mon girls we're the stronger sex, we can do this lol xxxx

[PCUK Nurse Jeni]

Hi Laura,

As ever, you are a mountain of strength for everyone on here, so thank you from us. (PCUK)

It looks as though there are several of you going through the loneliness of grief. I think Laura is right when she says about letting people in. It takes more emotional strength to keep up appearances and can tire you out also.

Just to say, that on the support line, we are committed to helping everyone affected by PC, and that means even during the grieving process, wherever we can. You are very welcome to email at support@pancreaticcancer.org.uk, or call on (020 ) 3535 7099 .

Wishing you all the best,

Jeni.

[Daddysgirl71]

Hi girls,

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply.. It means a lot! Reading these forum posts helps me so much.

Today has been a better day , thankfully. I have managed to chat about Dad with a friend and laugh about things which was lovely! I know everyone's grief process is individual but it's good to know I'm not alone in the emotions I am experiencing..

Girls, I thank you again from the bottom of my heart.. We are strong, we are not alone and things will get better! Our loved ones will never be forgotten, ever .

Suz xx

[DRAD3]

Hi Suz

So lovely to read your post. I have had a good couple of days and your message lifted me even more! I have come to realise that this is a roller coaster we are on and it is so nice to have the space to just vent emotions on the low days. I know it really helps me and I am sure by doing so, it enables the good days to be enjoyed.

I'd like to thank everyone too.

Deb

x

[ma2houra]

Dear Suz,

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you find comfort knowing there is no more pain for your dad.

I too lost my mother two weeks ago...she died holding our hands. First off it was like my heart and mind went blank and I couldn't feel anything then all of a sudden a tsunami wall of tears overcame me and I can't stop crying.

It's about taking baby steps, don't do too much at one time, give yourself a chance to feel grieve and ease slowly out of it. I really feel bad for all who lost someone they love to PC and at the same time find lots of comfort on this site knowing others out there know how I feel.

Hope you have brighter days.

Luv Ma2houra

[Jayne2011]

Hi Suz,

I have only just registered and this is the first time I've posted so appologies for this being weeks late.

I lost my father May 2011 so nearly 18 months ago and I totally know how you feel. I look after the kids and plod through each day but the grief hits when I least expect it. People presume as time has passed that I'm 'back to normal' but I'll never be the same person again. It's important to talk and if need be get help now to deal with your grief, otherwise you bury it in everyday life and it grabs you far too often. I miss my dad every day and I felt I lost my mum also as I now worry, care for and am there for her, role reversal, I have no parents to turn to, I've had to be strong.

I don't know when the sadness eases but I'm now ready to channel it into trying to help others cope with this terrible illness in any way I can.

Take care

Jayne