brother dying so much unresolved in his life

[ali40]

Hi, so sorry to read your last post, I wanted mum to stay at home she wanted to go to the hospice. She made the right decision as much as we would have done our best they are the experts and we were all so grateful she was there the care and compassion she was given was second to none.

As one of the nurses said to us you can enjoy the time with your mum now instead of the worry of being a carer to her and they were right.

The bed in the garden sounds wonderful, but mum only wanted to stay in bed and doze off as she got worse. I hope this is just a bad day as we had ups and downs.

My thoughts and best wishes are with you and the rest of your family.

Take care

Alison. x

[littlesister]

Thanks Alison, all the replies are both comforting, informative and I feel less alone -which of course I am not!

[littlesister]

Just spoke to my brother. his leg/hip is really hurting, they have upped his morphine by 25mg so now on 100mg patches. I think this will make him sleep even more. I wish he would stop telling me how grateful he is. Just shows me how awfully dependent he is becoming and how awful that must make him feel, especially to his flighty, airy fairy little sister (I'm not, but that is how he has always perceived me).

still not a day goes by when he doesn't vomit at least once but usually far more.

[littlesister]

Sorry that last sentence of the last post looks very odd. What I meant was he is still vomiting daily. I think that is probably worse than the pain for him.

[Ella50]

So sorry to read your post hun.. afraid I cant offer any advice on the sickness. though I did find my mam slept a little more when her medication got increased, but only temporary.

If ever hospice is an option I will second everything Alison has said. My mam perked up once there !! I think she felt safer. Im sure your brother can still spend time in the garden, my mams bed overlooked a lovely garden and as the nurses will say, she could have spent as much time as she had liked in it. it was a real home from home. Keep in mind there may be a waiting list for a bed.

..a big comfort you must be to your brother knowing he has such a loving sister, just take one day at a time And how things can change for the better just as quickly....

Sending you a big HUG

Love Ella xx

[littlesister]

Things taken a turn for the worst. The fall has left him in excruciating pain. His partner had to get DN, Macmillan and out of hours doctor involved early this morning. Out of hours Doc wanted to send him to A & E for xray but MacMillan persuaded him against as even if a fracture was found they would not be able to do anything about it, he is too weak and the transporting, waiting at A & E would put such a strain oh him. They have, yet again, upped his pain relief. He is adamant that he does not want to go to a hospice, his partner thinks she can cope with additional help which is on offer. You may think this is wicked but I hope it is over for him very soon - this suffering is too cruel.

[suef]

So sorry to hear how bad things have got. Thinking of you all.

Take care,

SueF

[littlesister]

latest update even worse, my brother's breathing has changed, he stopped breathing then restarted 3 times during the night, then woke confused, he didn't at first know his partner and then told her he thought he had died. this is all so awful.

[charney]

so sorry to hear your latest news and that things are not good,

my thoughts are with you.

love and best wishes

cheryl

x

[littlesister]

weird weird illness. Although my brother is sleeping a lot, once again he has rallied. Got up to have a pee this morning was able to stand for a few minutes to be washed and have his sheets changed. Ate a creme caramel - he has been sick but only once. Driving up to see him today. Obviously not yet his time yet.

[littlesister]

Update is not one of unalloyed joy but some contentment, or rather peace of mind. When asked how he felt this morning my brother thought about it and stated that he felt tranquil........................

[littlesister]

Here I go back to the begining. Always said I was like Kofi Annan, now I feel like Kofi Annan in his current despair. My brother is hanging on and hanging on. Still there is all the misunderstandings and hurts and it is revealing itself again as his partner and his children plan his funeral. Who is allowed to be at crematorium, who speaks at the memorial, how many songs - these arguments taking the place of all the hurts over all the years. I am trying to divert each from the inevitable hurts their decisions will bring. To be more precise it is currently the lack of control his partner is feeling, although this is not really the case but has pushed her to dictate who attends crematorium and the exceptions will cause his children immense pain and will be taken as a huge affront. I have been explaining this to my brothers partner this morning and trying to put it in the context of what my brother would have wanted. I don't want my nieces and nephew to be hurt but I want MBP to feel she has some control so that she is not left feeling outside as well as alone. It all comes back to my brother not having dealt with all of this years ago but it is what it is and we can't go back. I just hope sense will prevail, as for my brother, there is little left of him, both District nurses revealed that they expected him to slip away a couple of weeks ago, yet this morning he had some ensure and a cup of tea - true he brought it all up but the spirit is still willing. Ah me!

[DRAD3]

His spirit is definitely winning isn't it?! So sorry to hear how difficult things have been for your brother and for you and the family. I have been off-line for just over a week and come back to find so much has happened to you but, of course, that is precisely how it is, living with this awful disease. I am so glad to hear that a strong support network is doing its job and helping your brother's partner and I certainly understand her desperate need to gain some control. You are obviously a very wise and understanding person to see everyone's needs and try to help balance the conflict - I hope you manage this as well as can be possible. Wishing your brother much more moments of tranquility. Love and strength to you all.

Deb

x

[littlesister]

Thanks Debs, must say it is all very wearying and I am always in danger of deluding myself that I am omnipotent, I am however merely blood, skin and bone (with addition of fat of course).

[littlesister]

GP came in yesterday, pushed by DN. It seems if someone dies having not seen a doctor for more than 3 weeks there has to be a post mortem so this was the purpose of his visit. I think since the begining of this this is only his third visit. My brother, despite complaining that dying was taking so long, shows no sign of leaving us just yet. He may not be eating but he is drinking a good bit and urinating. I spoke to him on the 'phone this a m and he wanted me to be precise about what time I would be there tomorrow - this is ironic, since my brother had never cared much about arrival times when he wasn't working.

I shall mosey on up there tomorrow and stay over. I offered to take the night shift but his partner thinks it is too close now, so suggested we both stay up with him. He has been defying all expectations. I guess, even though he is 75/76 he has always been very fit, clearly has a strong heart and without this bloody PC would probably gone on to 100. His motorbike only went a couple of weeks ago and his trendy little caravan.

I hope things have settled down with his children. His son has taken a very proactive position, very unexpected - note to self do not underestimate people, especially those you love! He is helping smooth the way and is a good peacemaker. He is there every single day despite, civic duties, union duties and work. I hope it is not too long for my brother, I hope his departing is gentle and I hope his loss leaves those left behind without too much trauma and hurt.

[louiepc]

sending you lots of love and prayers in this awful time.

louie xxx

[Ella50]

Sending lots of love.. Ella xx

[littlesister]

thank you Louie and Ella, it seems it has to be endured, trying to do this with good grace.

[littlesister]

Exhausted, not because I stayed over and stayed awake except for the odd, and probably frequent nodding off periods, after the DN and I persuaded brothers partner to go to her own bed and sleep but because of all the hurt surrounding my brothers imminent death. Today he can no longer speak, cant really open his eyes. All but gone.... His partner is laying down rules about who will be allowed to crematorium - causing upset with his children. His ex-wife (26 years ago and mother of his children) is getting upset because of it and also wants to attend funeral. children advised her against but.... my niece a carer with experience in terminal illness is again threatening to come down to sort out palliative care despite DN's twice a day, carer's twice a day and partner who is a former DN who is giving him the most attentive and tender care. Beam me up scottie. My diplomatic skills are depleted, if ever they were of any use. Gonna get drunk instead.

[farmers wife]

Dear Littlesister,

My heart goes out to you just now, please think of yourself, you have needs at this time. You all clearly care for your Brother, his Partner will be in such turmoil, added with her thoughts of her own life being empty at the end. For others, I am sure they would like a magic wand to make everything right.

I guess the pain of death is dealt with in so many ways, anger and hurt is strong, forgiveness and love is always there, sitting quietly in the background, but so often realised too late.

You have tried so hard and done your best for them. Don't let others get in the way of your love and time left with your Brother.

I will think of you and pray for peace and unity for your family.

Love, Karen x

[littlesister]

Thanks Karen, I can't see anything getting better any time soon. As for the subject in this middle of all this, my brother, today he is talking, albeit a bit of jibberish but I swear that yesterday I truly believed he would never talk again. He has drunk water and kept it down, he said to his partner that he "asked for a cup of tea 10 hours ago and where is it"!! drank his cup of tea and kept it down. Had another shot of morphine on top of that in his driver and patches; has been catheterised and is passing quite a bit of urine. Is now sleeping peacefully, so I think dying has again been put on hold.

His partner is biting her tongue regarding the funeral at the moment, I hope this applies also to his children and that it lasts. I know they are all in pain, much of which is ancient but now being brought to the surface - I suppose that is inevitable and I am going to embrace my new found role of trying to stay out of the fray.

[Ella50]

Hi there,, my heart goes out to you.. its not easy and everyone is different.. many relationships can change during this time. some people may pleasantly surprise you. things you think will happen, may never quite turn out that way.

I really do wish the best for you. glad your brother is where he wants to be, his pain being managed and is feeling peaceful.. thats all we can hope. There still seems to be many good moments to be had with your brother .. take care of yourself.. oh and have a 'beverage' or two for me......

Love Ella xx

[DRAD3]

So glad, you are now able to take a step back and feel OK with that. I sense your brother's inner peace has radiated out to those around him - is it his cunning plan?! I hope he gets all he wishes for and continues to be comfortable. Love and strength as always.

Deb

x

[littlesister]

Well, unbelievably my brother is still here. He drinks, he sleeps, drinks and sleeps. This state of affairs has been going on for so long. I think maybe, it is nature's way of preparing us all so that much of the grieving is done before the event and that the 'event' is both uneventful and a matter of course.

This was the same with my sister, the doctors expected her to slip away on boxing day or soon thereafter and she didn't die until 9th January, that after four years of her diagnosis.

My brother looks comfortable, I hope he is, he is very well cared for and his partner is very well supported. My nephew, my brother's son, has turned out to be an absolute rock and perhaps this length of dying has been good for him. He and my brother were particularly close, my brother seemed to always be concerned for him and now my nephew is the strong one for my brother and his partner. This period of adjustment could almost have been orchestrated.

[littlesister]

too tired to post all that has been happening, but my brother is still here. Yesterday I felt he had a warm, loving and comforting day,no pain, no agitation.