My Amazing Dad

[AnthonysDaughter]

My father died on the 24th January 2012, also my 31st birthday. He battled for 7months and we; my mother and sister were with him as much as we could be, providing him with 24 hour care. He is my hero, the most amazing father i could ever wish for, his main fault? Protecting us too much. I say this because i feel like a 12 year old again, he was the one i turned to to ask all of my questions, he seemed to know everything about everything! My partner came round once and saw my dad wondering up the stairs with copper piping, when asked what he was doing, the reply was, 'fixing the central heating' as if it was the most normal occurance! He was mr practical and mr fix it, everything was done to the highest specification.

Everyone who speaks of him has only kind words to say, the cards we have recieved and phone calls is out of this world. Im very proud to be his daughter. But, as im sure lots of you on here feel that the bottom has literally fallen out of our world. Dad died at home, an hour and a half after a beautiful rendition of half of ‘happy birthday’ before he ran out of puff, and his usual cheeky smile and 'thats your lot!'. I went off to work, we had had the Dr the night before as dad was having some pain around his side (Pancreas side of the body), this was unusual as usually it was a lower abdominal pain. Even the Dr had said possibly a few weeks. It came out of the blue for everyone, but it was quick, possibly a blood clot as they had stopped his blood thinning meds whilst in the hospice as his weight was slight. I had a call from mum to come home. it was the middle of rush hour and I was 5mins too late. My friend tells me its because he didn’t want me to see him, he was a proud man.

We were given lots of time after the diagnosis to tell him we loved him, but that was hard for us all, because with every 'i love you' it felt as if we were giving in, i know that sounds bizarre but we were never a tell you 'i love you' family, and i suppose any change in behaviour reminds you that this is not forever. To see him waste away was heartbreaking, but we got to tell him everything and that really helps.

The morning after he passed away we looked out of his bedroom window and saw lots of baby bluetits, one of dads favourite birds feeding from his beloved bird table, exactly 24 hours since he fell asleep, we have never see so many! we cried, but we know he is there, looking after us. I imagine him to be walking his beloved fields and sending us his love, its bizarre how you link things together in the aftermath.

It's the first time ive posted on here, and would really like to know how people cope, as it seems to be getting harder. Before dad passed the Dr recommended councelling as dad was in and out of our local hospice, we agreed but its all come after rather than preparing us before. Has anybody had positive experiences of councelling? Thank you all in advance. xxx

[PCUK Nurse Jeni]

Hi there,

Welcome to the forums, and sorry to hear the sad news of your dad's death.

You may find it will help being on here, where people are going through the same thing as you and your family did. There are many people affected by cancer, but pancreatic cancer is uniquely cruel, so it helps when people actually know what you have been through. Some of the physical effects are also unique to PC, and often experienced by others.

Counselling is a good avenue to explore for sure. What it does is that it gives expression to your emotions, by somebody who is trained and who is not emotionally involved in the situation. they will have a particular way of asking questions which will help you to verbalise your feelings, and hopefully, help you to grieve too.

I would certainly recommend it.

Hope this helps,

Jeni.

[AnthonysDaughter]

Thank you for your reply, I agree PC is very cruel, and so unknown. It saddens me to read the statistics and that so little is know about detecting it, finding it and treating it. Dad had an ultrasound scan in Nov 2010 on his stomach, nothing was found, then 4 months later he was found to have H. Pylori and lesions in his stomach In April. On June 17th 2011 the Dr came to visit at home after a ct scan, never a good sign and told he had PC. He was too young, he wasn't ready to go and we werent ready to loose him. Perhaps I should have put this in the coping with loss section, oh dear, new brain needed xxx

[louiepc]

Hi.

I lost my mum on 30 December 2011. It is terribly hard and exceptionally difficult to imagine how you can "carry on", somehow you do. I am lucky, I have three young children who have kept me going. I have to get up and sort them out whether I want to get up or not. I have to take them to school, listen to their problems, etc etc.

I have also been helping my Dad, he had major heart surgery less than week after Mum died. He's back home now, and I look after him as much as I can, he refuses to stay with me, although with three children he wont have much rest!

Your emotions are going to be very strange, you will have days where you can kinda act normal and almost "forget", then other days, something silly will set you off and you are a wreck. If you feel counselling is for you - go for it. I find coming on here very helpful, I can vent and let off steam and know that I am not going to be judged in any way. I have made some wonderful friends on here, they have all been there for me, no matter what the time of day.

We have Mum's funeral next Thurs, it will be 6 weeks next Fri since she's gone, such a long long time. In a way I want the funeral over with but in another way, I don't want to accept the finality that it means. I still go to call her, I chat to her in my head all the time, I kiss her photo morning and night, I miss her with all my heart.

Keep posting, I hope you find it helpful and positive.

Take care,

love louie xxx

[CFF]

hi,

I'm so sorry that you have just lost your father. Unfortunately you'll meet lots of heartbroken daughters, sons, wives, husbands, partners and even parents on this forum.

I lost my father on 26th September last year - I remember how truly lost and wretched I felt in the following weeks and months. It is so strange that it doesn't get easier exactly. But as each new day comes you know more and more that life will go on and you will learn to live in a world without your dad in it.

Sometimes I feel that I am 'doing well'. And other times the grief hits me so unpredictably and it's as painful if not more, than the day I lost him. I have to remind myself that it was only a few months ago. Sometimes I am almost physically attached to his photo or I can take my eyes off the one I have on my phone when I'm out. Sometimes I struggle not to think about the times when he was in pain or upset. But then sometimes I remember all the good stuff and it makes me smile. I'm just 10 weeks pregnant and although incredibly excited about the future in one way this doesn't take away the pain at not having my dad around.

It's not easy. But you will live on and you will feel better. I'm not sure our hearts will ever quite mend.

Louie - hope you're doing ok - it's been a long time to wait until your mum's funeral and understand why you have mixed feelings about it. I found my dad's funeral a real comfort in many ways although of course tough.

Keep posting on here when you need to - I have thought about counselling but not made it yet.

xx

[AnthonysDaughter]

Thank you for your reply, its nice to know I'm not going crazy and what I'm experiencing is 'normal', for want of a better word. When I look around the room I see so many sympathy cards, with hardly any duplicates, that scares me and makes my heartbreak a little more as I realise so many people are/have experienced so much heartbreak

On a positive note, CFF, CONGRATULATIONS on your pregnancy, lovely yo hear some good news, take good care of yourself. I'm sure your dad is looking down on you and smiling xxx

[deb68]

Hello and please accept my very sincere condolences on losing your special dad. This forum is such an amazing source of support and I hope it can bring you some comfort and help to lessen the isolating emotions of grief.

I lost my daughter to pancreatic cancer in 2010 at the age of only 27 years old and I found counselling very helpful in helping me sort out the nightmare that my life has become without her. I would certainly recommend you find a reputable professional therapist who specialises in bereavement - your GP or local hospice may be able to help.

I have only recently stopped going to sessions but did find it all positive. The other thing that was really helpful about it was that the sessions were 'my space' to talk about Gemma as much as I wanted without fear of upsetting anyone else or making them feel uncomfortable, as one thing I have noticed is that people react to you in very different ways when you are bereaved. They don't really know what to do.

I also found some books on grief quite helpful, but you have to be ready for this and only you know when that will be. One piece of advice I was given is to be gentle on yourself - look after YOU. Your dad sounds wonderful and my heart goes out to you and your family. Take care. Debbie.xxxxxxx

[Hopefulwife]

Hi Anthony's daughter,

I am so sorry to hear about your dad. I lost my husband Steve to PC on 23rd December. The funeral wasn't until 17th January. You have done well to open up to us all on here. It is a great place to vent frustrations, cry whilst typing, get lots of loving support and advice from people who are going through what you are experiencing. Steve died in our local (brilliant) hospice. They offered us counselling - saying they would be available whenever we wanted them but would write to offer it again a month or so afterwards. They have just written to us and we are going to take them up on their offer. I am doing my best to get through whatever I am supposed to be feeling - some days better than others - but my oldest son who is 24 and had a very fiery relationship with Steve, is really struggling. He has agreed to get some help so we are waiting for them to come back to us. My younger son who is 21 outwardly seems to be fine, but I am keeping a close eye on him too. I have a friend who goes to counselling and she says it really helps. So I am going to see them too, though separately. The thing my friend says really gives her comfort is that in her group meetings you can say how you are feeling about say how unfair you think it is when you see other couples walking hand in hand when that's how you and your other half were (I can sympathise with that one too) - and you can't do it any more because you're on your own - and someone understands because they feel that way too. The angry why us? (because it isn't just about the person with PC), the what do I do now? is it OK to laugh when I should be sad? All these questions need an answer and if you think counselling could help - give it a try.

There are lots of us on here who can help - sometimes just putting things to print helps - even if you don't press the submit button. Am I the only one to have done that?

Just knowing that there is someone else who is going through exactly the same thing doesn't make it any easier but it clarifies the feelings that you are having because we all feel the same.

What I can do is send you a big hug ooooooo Diane xx

[lynbo]

Hi

I totally agree with what Deb has put, I lost my husband to PC in August 2010, and I am still at counselling, its through our local hospice even though my Andy was never a patient there.

They have been brilliant, and as Debbie says, I have been able to talk through, and question my feelings without fear of upsetting anyone else.

I have fantastic friends and parents but I always worry about upsetting them.

This forum and the people on it are amazing

Lynne

xxxxxxxxx

[louiepc]

Hi

I have been thinking about you today, I hope it's all gone as well as it could. I am dreading mum's day on Thurs. In a really bad way this week, I feel like I did when we knew mum was going to die, but wasn't sure when, the anticipation, the nerves, everything is kicking in.

Anyway, I hope that you are ok, I really hope that you got some peace today.

chat soon xxx