Mum

[louiepc]

It's been a week since we lost our beautiful Mum.

I remember thinking before she went - how on earth do you get through every day, once you have lost someone?

It's been a strange week. My Dad stayed with me on Friday and Saturday as we didn't want him on his own, and then on Sunday my Son stayed with him. I took Dad to church on Sunday, where Mum will have her funeral, and I had to be really strong for Dad, there was one point when I wanted to run out of the door and just keep running. They were talking about Christmas day only being the week before. Our Christmas day was wonderful, Mum sat up ate dinner even had a sneaky glass of wine. How is possible, that in a space of 5 days everything that seemed normal has gone? I can't quite believe that in a space of a week you can go from feeling elation to the depths of despair and sadness. It's as if the week has been stretched over a really long period of time, and you wake every morning but yesterday was a long time ago.

I "had" to be strong for my Dad earlier this week, I needed to make sure that he got to hospital to have his operation, so I didn't allow myself to think too much about Mum. She's was always on the edge of my thoughts, but I managed to focus on Dad.

He had his operation, and thankfully all went well. I asked mum to hold his hand in the operation, she was the only one who could be with him, and to make sure that she brought him back to us. She did what I asked - thank you Mum.

I stayed over Wed and Thurs at the hospital - such a lonely time and place. I found myself crying myself to sleep, tears would be on my face without me realising it. I met up with my brother yesterday - I feel so worried for him. Mum had said to him that if she could, she would try and let him know that she's ok, because this hasn't happened yet, he is very angry - saying that she wouldn't let him down, there can't be life after death.

I don't know if I'm going mad, but I talk to mum all the time in my head - asking questions and sometimes getting answers in the way Mum would have said them. Is it my mind playing tricks? Am I going mad?

I had a nightmare earlier on the week, I cried so much, saying to my husband - I can't call for mum anymore - i'm 38 years old and not called for mum for a long time, but the fact that I can't is the most gut wrenching feeling I have ever felt.

A friend spoke to me last night, and said what's it like, I said it's the most saddest, loneliest feeling I have ever felt, I think about Mum, think about calling her on the phone, and then a punch in the stomach, and realiasation sets in, Mum's not there. She's never going to answer ever again.

Another thing - I'm looking at pictures of her, and I can't seem to remember her features very well - is this normal? Does it get better?

I'm sorry, I know many of you have lost your loved ones, I'm sorry for the rambling. I have to be strong for my children and my Dad, but all I want is my Mum, I want her to wrap her arms around me and say that it's ok. It will never be ok.

[laura]

oh louie, i,m sending you the biggest, huggiest cuddle, just close your eyes, be peaceful, cast your mind back to christmas day and your mums delight that she achieved her goal, imagine her hand in yours, and think what she would now be saying to you now, she wants you to look after her loved one, your dad, also she wouldn,t want you to shut out your hubby and family, let them love you cos your the matriach now! i know thats what i will want my daughter to do when im no longer here[ not that im planning togo anywhere just yet, have my bri to look after]. your utter devastation and emptiness i do understand as will many on here, its all part of the aftermath of what youve been living through, dont fight it go with it and let the tears flow and help you heal, so wish i could give you a hug thinking of you love laura xxxx

[ma2houra]

Dear Louie

Please accept my deepest condolences for the loss of your mother, one can agree that mums are the most treasured and loved people in our lives. We often feel that all the doors in this world may close but mums door is always open.

Allow yourself, your heart the chance to grieve. The emotions you experience are normal and expected please don't feel bad for feeling bad..so to speak, death is never an accepted thing even though it escapes no one.

You have done what a loving daughter does, supported and cared and extended your soul to help your mum during this terrible time and even had some left over for others going through the same thing, so use those valuable memories as a source of comfort, think of her smile hugging you and of her love guiding you because in your heart she is still burning bright.

Take one day at a time, often this help ease the burden. One really hard thought is thinking how you will live without her so try to get through the day one day at a time, if you believe in God use prayer to offload your grief, if not often writing in a journal or even writing letters to your mum can help draw her a little closer to you.

Please take comfort in the fact she is no longer suffering, her peaceful state as she "sleeps" means she doesn't feel anymore pain. You are an amazing person for being soo strong for your family even when you feel like crumbling.

Try and get the support you need to pull you through is time, because for most, time helps ease the pain so if it is grief counselling or a therapy of some sort use the provisions around you in your local community so that you don't feel isolated.

That "rambling" that you do?..well that's often times more therapeutic for not only you but all of us effected by PC. Please ramble as often as you can, anytime of the day or night and know you will always be heard.

You have helped me personally a great deal. I am 33yrs old and afraid to say that soon may lose my mum too. Iam soo frightened of the coming months watching her get weaker and sicker and wonder how will I survive without the most dearest person in my life. Mothers and daughters share a bond that is unique and special, and like you I have thought to myself who will I call when she's gone? Well there is no right or wrong answer or solution to grief, only things that help and things that don't.

You help all of us here by sharing your thoughts...thank you very much. I hope and pray your sadness lifts and is replaced by love..and once again I am sorry for your loss and will be thinking of you during this time

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

[CFF]

Hey all,

I've only just seen this forum and think it's a good addition. It made me think that in some ways I've come a long way to how I felt when I lost my dad 3 months ago - but also how difficult things are still.

It also made me realise that I have spent ALOT more time on this forum in the last month or so - much more than in the period running up to dad's death and just after. I wonder why? I think in 'external' world after a period of time people seem to kind of 'forget' that you're still grieving. You carry on at work and see friends and all of those things. But things, although easier, are still difficult. I also really 'feel' for all those on here who are at a different stage of grief or caring for a loved one.

I have to close my mind off to my dad sometimes - because I can become so preoccupied with wanting to remember everything - I want to remember every single detail, conversation, hug, smile, even the tears and the pain of the illness, remember it all. But if I do that I can't do anything else. So I save it up and then I make some space where I'm on my own and I'll look at my folder of photos, listen to the music I put together of all his favourite songs (although this really tips me over the edge) and sometimes I'll read the material we put together for the funeral. And even though I think I've been getting along ok, I cry for England and it's as painful as the day he died. But then sometimes after I'll feel so sad but a little better in some small way.

This probably isn't much reassurance to you Louie - but I recognise that I don't cry nearly as much as in those early days. Where the rawness, and that everything is so surreal and even I didn't think I was crying my eyes were constantly 'leaking'!! But after a while I went back to work and although this marked the beginning of a new phase of sadness, in some ways more difficult that the early days and weeks of grief, it is nevertheless moving on in some way shape or form.

I think I'm missing dad most at the moment because I have just found that I'm pregnant. I kind of think the timing is really a good thing though - if I had been pregnant or had a small child then maybe I wouldn't have been able to look after my dad as much as I did last year, it may not have been physically possible. And it would have been worse for me for my dad to know that I was expecting a baby and he wasn't going to be alive to see it, than the fact that he just knew I was happy and with a man I love and he thought the world of.

Going to go, feel so tearful writing this and supposed to be going to the supermarket.

lots of love x

[HelenF]

Hi Louie

I read your post with tears in my eyes, my normal state at the moment and I thought so its not just me then - talking to my Dad as though he was here.

I feel like I am going mad, at the moment it seems harder than it did when he first died 7 weeks ago. I have been told a 1000 times to stop giving myself a hard time and grieve, to give myself time on my own,to relax and to take one day at a time. So my heart goes out to you because so many of us on this forum have been in the same place, a very difficult place at the moment.

I look at his picture every day, whilst I cried my eyes out doing it, I wanted to make sure I could see him when I went into rooms around house, even though he was on other pictures, I wanted picures just with him in them. One picture is a recent photo but one of him before he got ill and he looks so well, and at first I found it hard to remember him that well almost podgy - he was never podgy! I love him so much.

Oh goodness I am not helping but I think I am trying to say we are all with you, so is your Mum. I am glad to read the posts from ma2hours and CFF it gives us hope that we will cope even when we think we cant

[lynbo]

Louie

A hug for you, let me tell you, 15 months on, I think about Andy ALL the time, I make my brain ache trying to picture every bit of his face, his smell, his touch.

I try to hear his voice, it's all there but you just try and long for it so hard it becomes like you are mad? So I know how you feel.

My counsellor says its normal? I don't know what ' normal' is anymore?

All I can tell you is, that you are not mad, and this feeling may last a while, but, you are not alone.

You are coping amazing, that's what I think, keep your positiveness going louie, your mum will be proud that you are helping your dad through his grief and difficult time

Xxxxxxx

[lovelyjoyce]

Hi all, i lost my mum 6 weeks tomorrow, the time has gone so slow, i miss her every day, when things happen i find myself thinking i must phone mum. The other night i had a dream that she was still with me, then after i woke up i realised that she wasnt. It was 6 weeks from the time we were told about mum till the day she was taken and these weeks seemed to go on for ever. I dont think i will ever get over losing mum.

All my prays go out to all x